TresSugar

You Asked: How Can I Get Over My Mistake?

DearSugar — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 12:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I am having problems getting over my ex. We broke up a year ago, and I still hold on to serious feelings for him. We dated for nine months and we had a great relationship; he treated me incredibly well and was an amazing boyfriend. The problem was I always had another guy in the back of my head. I ended up kissing the other guy, and my boyfriend found out but decided to forgive me. We were OK at first, except every once in a while I would see the other guy and be confused again about my feelings.

To make a long story short, my boyfriend decided to end it with me. I realized after it was too late that this other guy meant nothing to me and that I truly loved and wanted to be with my boyfriend. We have been in and out of contact, but he refuses to give our relationship another try. I have learned from my mistakes and want to get back together more than anything in the world. I have apologized and done everything in my power over this year to prove to him that I am trustworthy, but he's not budging. Should I give up hope and move on? I just can't get over the fact that I was the one who did this and can't seem to fix it. - My Mistake Misty

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear My Mistake Misty,

Hindsight is always 20/20, but it unfortunately sounds like it's too late for you and your boyfriend. From what you're telling me, he put up with a lot in this relationship and quite frankly, I don't blame him for ending it - he probably felt like second best.

Telling your ex that you know you made a big mistake, that you still love him, and that you want to get back together with him is really the best you can do. If he's unwilling to even consider giving it another shot, persuading him otherwise will be close to impossible. Perhaps time will change his mind, but in the meantime, try to put this relationship behind you. If you two are meant to be together, you're paths will cross again in the future. Good luck to you.

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You Asked: My Boyfriend Called Me By His Ex's Name - Twice!

DearSugar — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 12:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend of seven months, who has been amazing, romantic, and thoughtful so far, referred to me by his ex's name on two occasions in front of others. It hurt me very much and it continues to hurt. The first time was around Thanksgiving, the exact time of year they had broken up. The second time was a couple of weeks later, at a Christmas party. He says it means nothing and it was just a slip of the tongue.

They had dated for two and a half years, and he has never wanted to talk about her or why they broke up, but after the second time he called me by her name, I insisted that he tell me about her. He said their breakup really hurt him, but they had intimacy issues and ended up being more friends than lovers. He wanted to work on their relationship but she did not so it ended.

He has told me that he is 100 percent committed to me and me only. He treats me extremely well and makes me very happy. He always tells me how much he loves me, has asked me to move in with him, and tells me how much happier he is with me than he was with her. I have met his family and friends and we get along really well. So was this really just a slip of the tongue? If so, what do I do to get over it? Could he still have feelings for her? I don't want to be naive and I don't want to be blindsided. Any advice would be a great help. - He Made a Mistake Mindy

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear He Made a Mistake Mindy,

From what you're telling me, it sounds as though everything in your relationship is going great except for these two slips of the tongue. While I don't doubt that those mistakes hurt you, you have to remember that people mess up every now and again, even at the cost of someone else's feelings. It's pretty clear that he adores you from the fact that he's constantly reassuring you, but at the end of the day, it's up to you if you're willing to forgive him.

Time will lessen the blow of his mistakes, and keeping the lines of communication open about your feelings will help too. What he did was wrong, but I can honestly say that I don't think it came from a malicious place so if you think you can let it go, I think it'll be worth your while. With that said, if he makes a habit of calling you the wrong name, I'd say that it's a pretty clear indication that he's simply not over his ex. I hope it all works out for you; good luck.

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Sunday Confessional: I've Been a Selfish Sister

DearSugar — Sun, 12 Oct 2008 09:00:00 -0700

I'm 28 and the youngest of three children. My siblings and I had a challenging childhood; our dad disappeared from our lives when we were little, and our mother suffered from severe depression. My sister, the eldest, took on the responsibilities of taking care of my brother and me, even though she was only a few years older than us. As early as middle school I started to rebel, and I ended up getting into drugs and a series of abusive relationships later on.

In the process I also managed to completely alienate my sister. She was always there to help me, and I was always pushing her away. Some years ago, I did the unthinkable and hooked up with her boyfriend at the time - a man she was very in love with. She was destroyed, but she said that she knew it wasn't me. She told me she'd let it go if I checked into rehab, which she offered to pay for. After much begging, I agreed to go. But within a few weeks I left, and ended up costing my sister thousands of dollars. By that point she'd finally hit her limit, and told me she wanted me out of her life.

It's been five years and we haven't spoken, though I'm still in touch with my brother. I've cleaned up my life significantly, and I have a stable job for the first time in my life. My sister recently had her first baby, and I'm desperate to see them. But when I told my brother I was going to reach out to her, he told me not to because he doesn't think she'll be willing to see me. I know I've done some bad things, and I know I'm still imperfect, but don't you think my own sister should be able to forgive me?

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Dear Poll: Have You Ever Mistakenly Accused Someone?

DearSugar — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 16:00:00 -0700

Around here we talk a lot about how important it is to trust your instincts, which I’m a huge supporter of. We have those instincts for a reason! But every once and a while wires get crossed somewhere along the way and we misconstrue what are gut is telling us. I know this has happened to me before, and my incorrect instincts have led me to make a false accusation for which later, I felt rather foolish. I’m sure it’s more of an exception than a rule, but have you ever accused someone of something they didn’t do?

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Group Therapy: Who Should Call?

Sun, 28 Sep 2008 11:00:00 -0700

My friend and I have been friends on and off for six years. She has dated two guys also on and off for eight years. She dates one and then breaks up with him. The other will be there for her and then they'll date. It goes back and forth like this for months, with each relationship never lasting more than a year. She has moved in with both of them at different times, moving in and out of a house for a total of six times. I was there all six times helping her.

Meanwhile, I dated a guy for four years straight. We broke up almost a year ago. I hit rock bottom, and my friend was never there for me, leaving me to go out of state to see her boyfriend. When I asked her if she could help me move out of my ex's place she asked if I could do it on my own. We went to a baseball game, which I paid for, and she invited her boyfriend at last minute. I got drunk and said some bad things, but I don't know what exactly they were. The next day I texted and said I was sorry. She responded that we needed to talk.

I'm OK with talking about what was said and what I did wrong. It will hurt, but it must be done. I have asked her three times to meet up and talk this out, but each time she says, "Next week. I'll let you know." The game was back in May, its now September. Do I let her call me when she wants to or do I keep trying to arrange a meeting? What should I do?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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Sunday Confessional: I Wasn't There When She Needed Me

DearSugar — Sun, 21 Sep 2008 09:00:00 -0700

A few weekends ago, I ditched out on my long-time friend to hang out with a guy that I have feelings for. My friend and I had been planning on going to the movies, and when I canceled she got upset with me. Since I so rarely flake out, I immediately became irritated with her, and we ended the phone call on a very negative note. We didn't hang out that night, and I ended up going over to my date's house.

Much later in the night, when I was fooling around with my crush, I got a text message from my friend saying that she needed to talk to me. I ignored it out of anger. A few minutes later she called me, and again, I ignored it. Not giving it much thought, I put my phone on silent. I was annoyed, but I figured I'd call her in the morning and we could talk about stuff then. The next day when I checked my phone, I had multiple missed calls from my friends, desperately trying to get ahold of me.

As it turns out, my friend decided to go to the movie alone and on the way home, she had been assaulted by some young guys. They took her jewelry and her wallet. Needless to say, she was shaken up, but luckily they didn't hurt her and fortunately, she had her phone in her back pocket so she was able to call for help. As it turned out, she was trying to get ahold of me to meet her at the police station. She eventually got another friend to come get her, but I wasn't there to help her when she needed me most. I feel beyond horrible. I've seen her since and tried to talk her, but things are strained; I'm not sure I should even try explaining myself. I'm so torn up. Is what I did to her and our friendship ever forgivable?

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Where Do You Stand? Saying "I Told You So"

DearSugar — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 15:00:00 -0700

When it comes to dispensing advice to our loved ones, it’s difficult to know when it's worth it. And if you do decide to speak up against a bad decision only to be ignored, it can be incredibly frustrating to watch as what you predicted would happen does. If I end up in that situation, my first reaction is to dispense the requisite “I told you so.” However, time and experience has taught me that “I told you so” does little good. Either your friend still won’t get it, or they'll already be beating themselves up enough. So, since I’m sure we’ve all been on the receiving end at one time or another, where do you stand when it comes to dishing out “I told you so's"? Do you avoid it or do think it’s something someone else should hear?

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This or That: Caught in the Car or Stuck in the Rain?

DearSugar — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 08:00:00 -0700

In an attempt to spice things up, your boyfriend decides to take things out of the bedroom and onto the open road. But what you think is just a romantic mini road trip ends up being more than you bargained for. Parking off a one-lane, seldom-used road, you guys to try something totally new. Would it be worse if . . .

This: You decide to give sex in the car a try only to be interrupted mid-session by a tap on the window from a police officer? Apparently he happened to be passing by and wanted to make sure there wasn’t any car trouble.

Or . . .

That: In an attempt to be romantic, your boyfriend lays out blankets for you under a tree, but when it starts pouring, it turns out his keys are locked in the car? Not only do your cell phones not work, but it’s a four-mile walk to the nearest house.

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Sunday Confessional: She Stabbed Me in the Back

DearSugar — Sun, 31 Aug 2008 09:00:00 -0700

A year before I left for college, I started dating a guy I was crazy about; it was my first love. We had a very happy relationship, but as high school relationships do, things got difficult when I went away to college. By the time I headed home for Winter break, it was clear that he was spending time with another girl behind my back. He admitted to it, and I immediately ended things. Of course, I felt completely wounded and foolish.

It was only a few weeks later that I learned that girl he'd been hooking up with was none other than one of my closest friends. I was extremely hurt, and my initial feelings of embarrassment were only multiplied - I was played a fool by my boyfriend and my friend. By the time I talked her again, I was already settled into college life and had emotionally moved on from my ex. She wanted things to go back to the way they were, but in my mind our friendship was over.

Now seven years later, she contacted me via email out of nowhere. It turns out she heard from a friend that we are both living in the same city. As a recent transplant, she doesn't know anyone and she's looking for friendship. Of course her email doesn't acknowledge anything about what happened before, but it was the first thing I thought of. I don't care about what happened seven years ago, but what she did then makes me question who she is now. Should I forgive her past actions and become friends again? Or is she not worth my time?

Source

This or That: Blow Out or Blow to the Head?

DearSugar — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 12:00:00 -0700

The sex with your new boyfriend has been amazing. You guys have the kind of chemistry you thought only existed in movies. But during a fairly animated and exciting romp, things seem to get out of hand. Would it be worse if . . .

This: In the excitement of the moment, you just couldn’t control yourself and you let an embarrassingly loud bit of gas pass? He laughs in a way that makes you feel like it’s at you not with you.

Or . . .

That: Trying to be sexy, you manage to elbow him right in the temple so hard the he passes out? Although he’s only out for a few moments, you’ll never forget the expression on his face as he comes to.

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