TresSugar

Cuddling With Clothes?

DearSugar — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 10:00:00 -0800

One of my friends recently told me that when her husband is out of town, she sleeps with one of his old t-shirts so she can snuggle with something that smells like him. It keeps the loneliness at bay and although it sounds a little childish, she's not alone. Researchers reported that as many as three-quarters of women admit they cuddle with clothing worn by their significant other when he or she is away. And get this - two-thirds of men do the same thing!

Can you relate? Do you embrace clothes worn by your lover when you're apart?

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Hump Day: Is My Boyfriend a Sex Addict?

TresSugar — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 09:00:00 -0700

Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's new sex advice column! Are you confused about sex? Do you have trouble having an orgasm? Is there something you'd like to try but you're worried it's too weird? Send your questions to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!

Today's Question:

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for six months, and I’ve started feeling funny about the quality of our sex. At the beginning, sex was fantastic between us. We both have high sex drives, are creative in bed, and I think we both felt that we’d found our sexual soul mate.

Lately though, I’m feeling more and more objectified by him. He texts overly sexual things to me. (That’s fine, but how about an “I miss you!” every once in a while!) He wants to do rougher things, and although I don’t mind that and even find it a turn on, I'm beginning to feel less like a partner to him and more like an object. I know he’s really into porn, he masturbates a lot, has had lots of casual flings in the past and I’m beginning to wonder if he’s a sex addict.

What are the signs? What should I do? I care about him, but I am feeling suspicious that he no longer sees me as an equal, and I wonder if, with his insatiable appetite, he might even cheat on me. I know he’s done it in the past. Help! To hear what Dr. Glickman has to say, read more.

Dr. Glickman's Answer:

First thing - good for you for listening to your intuition and your feelings on this. A lot of people ignore or don’t listen to those early warning signs, and that often leads to a worse situation. It’s important to pay attention to them when they first show up and I’m glad you did.

I hear the term “sex addict” used a lot. To be honest, there isn’t any consensus among therapists or sexologists about what it means and there is still a lot of debate about whether someone can be addicted to sex in the way that someone can be addicted to drugs, with all of the physiological effects that can have. At the same time, it seems pretty clear to me that some people have sexual compulsions that they have difficulty controlling or working with.

Now, maybe most people outside the sexology or therapy worlds don’t really care about the difference between sex addiction and compulsion. But I think it’s important to not throw the “addict” label at people (not that I’m suggesting that you’re doing that) because it can be really triggering. In my experience, it tends to create a lot of shame and judgment on top of whatever difficult feelings someone may have because of their actions. Of course, if someone wants to use the word to describe themselves, that’s fine. It’s about self-definition, after all.

Leaving aside the question of whether your boyfriend is a sex addict, I think that the place to start is the fact that you’re not getting what you want. From what you say, it sounds like you enjoy some of the same things, which can be helpful. But if you want sweetness and loving moments mixed in with the rough and tumble, that’s a totally fine thing to ask for. Have you spoken with him about that? If so, has he been open to hearing that? And what have the two of you agreed to do? If you haven’t raised this topic with him, why is that? What could make it easier for you to talk with him about it?

Along those lines, what about the non-sexual parts of your relationship? Are you getting your needs and desires met? Does this pattern extend into those realms, too? If he’s open to talking with you and finding ways to support your relationship, great! That’s a good starting point for working through how things are for your sexual connection. But if he’s not open to that in other arenas, that’s probably a good reason to reconsider whether being “sexual soul mates” is enough of a foundation for a relationship.

Assuming that you two are both willing to work on this together, there are a few directions that you could take things.

One of the challenges that can arise when someone explores some of their sexual desires is that it can cause a disconnection from their partner, especially if they go through a phase of wanting to focus on a particular set of fantasies to the exclusion of other ways of being sexual. I’ve seen people fall into those patterns when exploring many different sexual practices, although it seems to be especially likely when rougher sex is on the menu. I’m not aware of any research on the topic, but my sense is that for some people, the heightened intensity of the interaction can make it easy to get lost in the fantasy and hard to stay present and focused on the real life person they’re with. So finding ways to connect in other ways, such as sweet text messages or more romantic sex can be a big help.

You might want to take a vacation from the rougher sex for a while, at least until you can reconnect in other ways. Being able to ask for the types of connection that work for you can be a big help. I like the book The Five Love Languages for that. The author describes five basic ways of giving and receiving love and care (words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch). He also talks about how we tend to have our preferred method and that we often get into conflict because we’re using different languages, not because we don’t care for our partners. It’s a good read, although I personally don’t care for his biblical approach and had to filter that out. You can get the basic idea on this page of his website without getting into his particular religious perspective, if that works better for you.

It could also be worth talking with your boyfriend about why he wants to have rough sex. For that matter, you might also get a lot out of exploring what your motivations are, too. There are many different reasons people enjoy any type of sex and having a clear understanding of what yours and his are could be really helpful for both of you. If you’re clear about what you want to get out of it, you’ll be much more likely to be able to create the connection that you desire. If you go that route, I strongly suggest not having that conversation during or after sex. Set some time aside for it when you’re both feeling relaxed and ready.

Finally, if none of that works for you and things don’t change, or if he’s not open to talking about it, that may be a sign that things really aren’t going to change. Take a good look at the situation and listen to your feelings. (It sounds like you’ve already been doing that.) I think that whether your boyfriend is a sex addict is less important than whether he’s able and willing to sit down with you and talk about your relationship, and whether the two of you are able to engage in the give-and-take that all successful relationships need.

(Remember, if you have questions for Dr. Glickman, send them to TrèsSugar and we'll pass them along!)

Have You Ever Been in Love With More Than One Person?

TresSugar — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 13:00:00 -0700

In case you missed it, last night was the finale of The Bachelorette. Spunky Canadian Jillian Harris's quest to find love on a reality show came to an end as she had to choose between Kiptyn, Ed, and Reid. The episode was filled with tears and sighs from Jillian, who had fallen for all three of the guys! In the end she chose Ed and seemed pretty happy.

Anyone who goes on The Bachelorette to choose a soul mate among 30 eligible men runs the risk of falling in love with more than one of them (or none of them). But this could also happen to someone sans TV cameras and exotic dates. Have you ever been in love with more than one person at the same time?

Ask a Buddhist: Can I "Find Myself" While With Someone?

TresSugar — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 09:00:00 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. Today, a person who believes in Buddhist teachings will offer her common sense advice to a 24-year-old looking to find herself. You can submit questions here.

Today's Question:

Is it possible to figure out what you want out of your life while in a committed relationship? My boyfriend and I started dating when we were 16, when we were still young and impressionable. Now, we're both 24 years old, and while we are very much in love with one another, we're both feeling as though we do not know ourselves as individuals. And while we want to figure ourselves out while being together, we have tried - though not very successfully - and it hasn't quite worked so far. So, is it possible to figure yourself out while in a relationship? Or is it best to just cut ties despite the love you feel for another and take time out for yourself, alone?

- In Love but Confused

To find out what the Buddhist has to say, read more.

Dear In Love and Confused,

Wow. Your question really hits home, and I'll try to answer it with the wisdom of my experiences and those of my friends.

I, too, asked this question when I was 24 after having been with my boyfriend, my first love, since I was 18. (Not quite as long you.) I had the 20-something equivalent of the seven-year-itch. I'd never been with another person, I'd moved in with the boyfriend at a young age, and although we had different things going on (he was older and had a career that he loved and I was in college), I felt that there was a big world out there I wasn't exploring so we could be together.

In my case, ultimately, the decision was easier because my restlessness had to do with wanting to having other sexual experiences with people. I loved him, but knew that if I stayed with him, my curiosity would get the better of me. Although it was one of the toughest decisions I had to make, and there were many doubts and tears, I didn't regret my decision to break up with him and move on.

Having said that, I also know people who have remained with the people they fell in love with as teens who are leading happy and fulfilled lives in which the experiences they have separately add to the relationship they have together. The relationship, for each of them, is a place where they not only share experiences that expand their sense of self (they travel together, volunteer together, have similar hobbies), but where, after they do their own thing separately (with their own set of friends, their own travel adventures, etc.) they can come back to the relationship without the other person feeling left out or intimidated by their partner's separateness.

This is where it can get tricky. What experiences contribute to that feeling of "individuality" as you refer to it? There are things you might not be able to discover while in a committed relationship - in my case, it was experiences with other people. Or let's say you want to travel abroad. Unless your boyfriend can do that with you, you might have to spend some time apart. Will you both be OK with being apart and being monogamous? Would you be able to take a break from your relationship, and the monogamy, with an agreement to be back together and see how it goes? Maybe counseling could help you figure out what it is exactly that feels missing, so you could experiment before you "cut ties" with this person you sound like you're really in love with. (I'm curious about what it was you tried and wasn't successful.)

Whether you met when you were 16 or 25 (or 35, 45 or 55!), the challenge of maintaining your individuality in a couple will remain. I know some people who met at ripe old ages who are in stifling relationships that end up being excuses for not exploring who they really are. You definitely have a challenge, but one that's not insurmountable. The question is, how creative can you be, how honest can you be, how flexible can you be? Try out everything you can, and if at the end of the day, you decide that the only way you can find yourselves is to be apart, maybe you can make a pact to meet up again at a certain age and see if it works?

Not losing yourself in a relationship is something everyone - of all ages - experiences. I have a feeling you two can be honest with each other to try everything out to see what works best for you. If you were meant to be together, it will all work out in the end. Good luck, stay present with what you're feeling, and be honest with yourself and your boyfriend.

- A Buddhist

Say What? Having Sex Versus Making Love

TresSugar — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 06:00:00 -0700

"It is possible to have sex and not be making love. The one-night hook-up after four mojitos comes to mind. It is also possible to make love and be having sex. Sometimes having the raunchiest, nastiest sex is a supreme act of love because when you love someone so much you can share that fantasy about your fourth grade teacher Miss Canfield, the class trip to the zoo, and the zebra incident, you’re displaying a lot of trust. And it is possible to be making love and not having sex, technically speaking, just by sharing a look, a smile, a touch."

- Brian Alexander, author of American Unzipped: In Search of Sex and Satisfaction

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Humpday: Takes the Bromance to Its Logical Conclusion

TresSugar — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 15:00:00 -0700

I can't wait to see Humpday, director Lynn Shelton's new film about old college friends who decide to enter an amateur porn filmmaking contest and to have sex with one another on film. Did I mention they're straight men? Shelton has said that the film is about how straight men can turn anything into a competition - even if it means having to do each other.

The film hasn't come out yet, so I'm only going on reviews and the director's comments, but I'm a little disappointed that the sex doesn't arise for the two men out of confused affection for one another, but rather because of a contest. To hear why I think we need more films about men loving each other (or lovin' on one another) and why it's good for women, read more.

I'm convinced that if men were able to admit on some level that they want to be close - not necessarily have sex, obviously, but that maybe an attraction is possible - a lot of macho crap like denigrating women and homophobia wouldn't be so rampant. Why? Because a more open definition of masculinity would mean fewer threats to it. Take gay men - you don't hear a lot of stories about them punching straight people in the face for being straight.

A slew of films about male bonding, or bromances - Pineapple Express, 40 Year Old Virgin, and Superbad - have highlighted the cute and sometimes touching bonds men share. (Although sometimes, as I argued here, it's at the expense of women.) In my favorite scene in Superbad, Seth (Jonah Hill) and Evan (Michael Cera) finally admit to one another during a slumber party that they love each other and will miss one another when they go off to college. It's stupid, says Seth, that men can't say "I love you" to one another.

I couldn't agree more, and whether or not Humpday ends up being a progressive movie about (extreme) male bonding or expands the idea of what straight men can be to each other (and others), I bet we haven't heard the last of this subject.

Momma Said: Maybe Your iPhone Can Message My Blackberry

TresSugar — Wed, 06 May 2009 16:00:00 -0700

This week the Postcards From Yo Momma editors are preparing us for Mother's Day by helping us understand mom. Now authors of a book - Love, Mom - they should know!

Today we have a common type of mom - the Technically Challenged Mom. One, geek knows all too well. Sure, she's savvy enough to own a BlackBerry, but that doesn't mean she wants to use it. Besides, she only wants to hear your voice.

To see the email and what authors Doree Shafrir and Jessica Grose had to say, read more.

Missed your call. Maybe your i-phone can send a message to my BlackBerry.

Doree and Jessica: This newfangled technology confounds me. You should probably just call me back on the land line.

Photo credit: Brad Walsh

Do Tell: What Do You Miss Most When Your SO Is Away?

DearSugar — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 06:00:00 -0700

We love our significant others for a million different reasons - the way they smell, how they're always excited to hear about our day, their adorable giggle, etc. So when you're apart from your favorite person, out of all the reasons you love them, what's the one thing you miss most?

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E. Jean Is Back, Offering Advice to a Woman Who Hates Her Man's Scent!

DearSugar — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 09:00:00 -0700

Dear E. Jean,

I'm a lawyer who is seeing a kind, generous, sweet, gainfully-employed man. But in conversations with friends, I refer to him as a "smothering barnacle." I also actively avoid kissing him, can’t stand the way he smells, and his baby kisses on my forehead make me want to scratch his eyes out.

I'm almost 37, never been married, and he is a great guy, but he smells so bad (to me) that I can’t bear to be near him, though he'd probably smell irresistible to some other gal who actually loved him. Do I break up with the best guy who's ever come along? - Texas Attorney

To see E. Jean's answer, read more.

Texas, My Trollymog,

Though 99.9 percent of the Dears are dying to tell you to get RID of the fellow (and are ready to strangle me for even running this question) . . . I quite like him. He doth reeketh a whiff? So what? That scent he's wearing is called "eau de employed." In this economy, honey, you may have forgotten what a man who holds a job actually smells like.

And come on, Miss Dainty Doily, how over-refined have you Texas attorneys become? Since when does a little tang banish "the best guy who's ever come along?"

Grab him by the ears and say, "Dude. Kill the baby smooches. I’m gonna show you how I like to be kissed." And when he leans in to begin the lesson, hold up your hand, smile and whisper: "Ahhhhhh - not so fast, you bewitching animal! Your man scent is a little too intoxicating for me. So look what I found . . . " And here hand him a box of hand-soaps, shampoos, and aftershaves. (If you're the high-strung Gossip Girl type - and aren't we all? - drive home your point by removing the top from the aftershave, sniffing and staggering backwards with your hand fluttering at your heart. He'll get the picture.)

A woman can always - always! - improve a "kind, generous, sweet" man because he wants to please you. Indeed, I once scrubbed down one of my husbands in vinegar and drove him around with his head hanging out the window till he dried off.

P.S. If you've washed him up and still want to wash him out, re-gift him to the ladies on GreatBoyfriends.com and chalk it up to a bad case of the "McClintocks." Martha McClintock, PhD, of the University of Chicago, has discovered that you're a sucker for gentlemen who smell like you do, but not exactly like you do; and you go wild for a fellow who smells like your dad, but not precisely like your dad. The theory is you will choose a mate with an immune system which will give your offspring a better chance in life.

But to hell with Martha! You have 50 or 60 years worth of olfactory foul-ups and fun in front of you.

To see more advice from E. Jean, visit Elle magazine and AskEJean.com.

Search For Missing NFL Boaters Cost $1.6 Million

CitizenSugar — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 09:30:41 -0700

You can't put a price on the joy that comes from rescuing a loved one swept away at sea, but you can calculate how much it costs the taxpayers.

After four football players went missing in the Gulf of Mexico, the US Coast Guard spent three days searching 20,000 square miles. One man was rescued, but tragically the three others are presumed dead. The cost to the Coast Guard? $1.6 million.

If the boaters had carried an EPIRB (emergency position indicating radio beacon), there may have been less need for the pricey fuel, high-powered aircraft, two Jayhawk helicopters, and other expensive vessels.

Is any price ever too much for a government-funded search and rescue? I don't think so. But, maybe we can start by making EPIRB devices mandatory for everyone's benefit, especially the boaters'.

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