TresSugar

Have You Ever Had a Missed Connection?

DearSugar — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 16:00:00 -0700

If you've ever looked at Craigslist's Missed Connections, you know just how many people are seeking out that certain someone they locked eyes with on the subway, at the grocery store, or at the airport but never got the chance to speak to. An article written today on Cnn.com explained this phenomenon perfectly:

Craigslist, Kizmeet.com, ISawYou.com, SubwayCrush.com - these missed-opportunity matchmakers have become a staple of online modern love. They've also become a way for some singles to fantasize about the people they'd like to meet and those they hope will want to meet them.

Missed connections are great for those who don't have the confidence or courage to approach someone in person - sometimes all it takes is a little buffer to ease the fear! I have friends that have had luck in this arena before so tell me, have you ever meet someone through an online missed connection? If so, were you the one who posted it or was it him that wrote a query about you?

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The Harsh Truth About Craigslist Missed Connections

TresSugar — Fri, 19 Jun 2009 06:00:00 -0700

Have you ever spied your dream lover in the frozen food section of Trader Joe's but were too shy to start a conversation or flirt? Maybe you were moved to post a prose poem on Craigslist's oddball "Missed Connections" section, writing to that person in the hopes that they would read your true feelings, remember who the hell you were, and contact you.

Still don't understand what Missed Connections is? Here's what the superharsh Craigslist genie has to say about it: "If you’re too much of a mush-butt to approach a person in the real world, you post an ad on Craigslist hoping that person is a pathetic loser who goes on to Craigslist and searches for losers who are searching for him.” Ouch!

There’s much to recommend this video, but just when you think the hilarity is done with, the real comedy comes in. This poor, shy soul's cat starts dissing her, calling her a “cat lady” and asking why she wears such long skirts. Sigh. Maybe this is what cats are all really thinking when they sit there and stare at us!

Hump Day: Is My Boyfriend a Sex Addict?

TresSugar — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 09:00:00 -0700

Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's new sex advice column! Are you confused about sex? Do you have trouble having an orgasm? Is there something you'd like to try but you're worried it's too weird? Send your questions to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!

Today's Question:

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for six months, and I’ve started feeling funny about the quality of our sex. At the beginning, sex was fantastic between us. We both have high sex drives, are creative in bed, and I think we both felt that we’d found our sexual soul mate.

Lately though, I’m feeling more and more objectified by him. He texts overly sexual things to me. (That’s fine, but how about an “I miss you!” every once in a while!) He wants to do rougher things, and although I don’t mind that and even find it a turn on, I'm beginning to feel less like a partner to him and more like an object. I know he’s really into porn, he masturbates a lot, has had lots of casual flings in the past and I’m beginning to wonder if he’s a sex addict.

What are the signs? What should I do? I care about him, but I am feeling suspicious that he no longer sees me as an equal, and I wonder if, with his insatiable appetite, he might even cheat on me. I know he’s done it in the past. Help! To hear what Dr. Glickman has to say, read more.

Dr. Glickman's Answer:

First thing - good for you for listening to your intuition and your feelings on this. A lot of people ignore or don’t listen to those early warning signs, and that often leads to a worse situation. It’s important to pay attention to them when they first show up and I’m glad you did.

I hear the term “sex addict” used a lot. To be honest, there isn’t any consensus among therapists or sexologists about what it means and there is still a lot of debate about whether someone can be addicted to sex in the way that someone can be addicted to drugs, with all of the physiological effects that can have. At the same time, it seems pretty clear to me that some people have sexual compulsions that they have difficulty controlling or working with.

Now, maybe most people outside the sexology or therapy worlds don’t really care about the difference between sex addiction and compulsion. But I think it’s important to not throw the “addict” label at people (not that I’m suggesting that you’re doing that) because it can be really triggering. In my experience, it tends to create a lot of shame and judgment on top of whatever difficult feelings someone may have because of their actions. Of course, if someone wants to use the word to describe themselves, that’s fine. It’s about self-definition, after all.

Leaving aside the question of whether your boyfriend is a sex addict, I think that the place to start is the fact that you’re not getting what you want. From what you say, it sounds like you enjoy some of the same things, which can be helpful. But if you want sweetness and loving moments mixed in with the rough and tumble, that’s a totally fine thing to ask for. Have you spoken with him about that? If so, has he been open to hearing that? And what have the two of you agreed to do? If you haven’t raised this topic with him, why is that? What could make it easier for you to talk with him about it?

Along those lines, what about the non-sexual parts of your relationship? Are you getting your needs and desires met? Does this pattern extend into those realms, too? If he’s open to talking with you and finding ways to support your relationship, great! That’s a good starting point for working through how things are for your sexual connection. But if he’s not open to that in other arenas, that’s probably a good reason to reconsider whether being “sexual soul mates” is enough of a foundation for a relationship.

Assuming that you two are both willing to work on this together, there are a few directions that you could take things.

One of the challenges that can arise when someone explores some of their sexual desires is that it can cause a disconnection from their partner, especially if they go through a phase of wanting to focus on a particular set of fantasies to the exclusion of other ways of being sexual. I’ve seen people fall into those patterns when exploring many different sexual practices, although it seems to be especially likely when rougher sex is on the menu. I’m not aware of any research on the topic, but my sense is that for some people, the heightened intensity of the interaction can make it easy to get lost in the fantasy and hard to stay present and focused on the real life person they’re with. So finding ways to connect in other ways, such as sweet text messages or more romantic sex can be a big help.

You might want to take a vacation from the rougher sex for a while, at least until you can reconnect in other ways. Being able to ask for the types of connection that work for you can be a big help. I like the book The Five Love Languages for that. The author describes five basic ways of giving and receiving love and care (words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch). He also talks about how we tend to have our preferred method and that we often get into conflict because we’re using different languages, not because we don’t care for our partners. It’s a good read, although I personally don’t care for his biblical approach and had to filter that out. You can get the basic idea on this page of his website without getting into his particular religious perspective, if that works better for you.

It could also be worth talking with your boyfriend about why he wants to have rough sex. For that matter, you might also get a lot out of exploring what your motivations are, too. There are many different reasons people enjoy any type of sex and having a clear understanding of what yours and his are could be really helpful for both of you. If you’re clear about what you want to get out of it, you’ll be much more likely to be able to create the connection that you desire. If you go that route, I strongly suggest not having that conversation during or after sex. Set some time aside for it when you’re both feeling relaxed and ready.

Finally, if none of that works for you and things don’t change, or if he’s not open to talking about it, that may be a sign that things really aren’t going to change. Take a good look at the situation and listen to your feelings. (It sounds like you’ve already been doing that.) I think that whether your boyfriend is a sex addict is less important than whether he’s able and willing to sit down with you and talk about your relationship, and whether the two of you are able to engage in the give-and-take that all successful relationships need.

(Remember, if you have questions for Dr. Glickman, send them to TrèsSugar and we'll pass them along!)

Do Tell: Which Celebrity Death Affected You Most?

TresSugar — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 10:08:10 -0700

On July 16, 1999, John F. Kennedy, Jr. took the fateful flight that ended in his death. I remember watching the news with my family as authorities looked for the missing Kennedy. As we sat around the TV, my parents recounted their memories of little John-John, and we were all so shocked when they announced that he had died. With no real connection to JFK, Jr. I still felt a whole lot of real sadness.

The 10th anniversary of JFK, Jr.'s death and the attention given to the recent death of Michael Jackson remind us that the death of a celebrity can really hit home. From John Lennon, to Princess Diana, Kurt Cobain, Heath Ledger, Michael Jackson, or John F. Kennedy, Jr., there have been so many famous deaths that have left the public collectively grieving. Which celebrity death affected you most in your lifetime?

Love For Sale: Personal Ads From the 19th Century

TresSugar — Fri, 19 Jun 2009 09:00:00 -0700

It's not often a history dissertation warrants consideration outside a university, but Pam Epstein, a PhD candidate at Rutgers University, has turned hers into a blog worth blogging about. She's using old personal ads to explore love and marriage in mid-19th- to early-20th-century America, and has dug up some real gems - both the ads and the men. What I love is that instead having categories like "missed connections" or "casual encounters," they have "matrimony." Finding a mate was never so easy! Until, that is, you read their "desires."

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Sunday Confessional: I Semi Cheated

DearSugar — Sun, 11 Jan 2009 09:00:00 -0800

I met a guy that I really liked before Christmas. It's been a while since I've felt a connection with someone, but I wasn't sure if he felt the same way. He went home to visit family for the holidays and I didn't hear from him for over a week, and I had no clue when he was coming home.

Since we hadn't had "the talk," I wasn't sure what the "rules" were while he was away - would it be considered cheating if I went out with someone else? Was he seeing other people back home? etc. There was no one else I was interested in, but on New Year's Eve, I ran into an ex-fling and we ended up ringing in the New Year together, so to speak.

The next morning when I checked my phone, the guy I was seeing had texted me, wishing me a happy New Year, telling me how much he missed me, and that he would be back that day to "see his girl that he told his entire family about." I was so happy to read his text, but I immediately felt guilty about being with someone else while he waited for me. I don't plan on telling him about my NYE affair, but can I be forgiven for keeping a secret from him in the beginning of our relationship?

Submit your own Sunday Confessionals here and see if you are forgiven!

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You Asked: Should I Take My Ex Back As My Best Friend?

DearSugar — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 12:30:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend of two years recently broke up with me. It was completely out of the blue and I still can't understand why he did it. He gave me 20 different contradicting reasons, but the main point is that he doesn't want to be with me anymore; and it hurts a lot. He had planned out the rest of our lives right down to when we'd get married, what church, when we'd have kids and what town we'd live in.

We had been best friends for over two years before we got together but we always had this awesome connection. I was very excited when he asked me out, although I was concerned that I could lose his friendship if we ever broke up. I took the chance but now that we're done, he wants to go back to being just friends. I'm not sure if I'm able to do that. My friendship feelings for him are all wrapped up in the romantic ones. We are in the exact same circle of friends and they all think I should give it a try. Half the time I miss my best friend, but the other half hates him for breaking my heart. What should I do? - Crushed Cathy

To see DearSugar's answer read more

Dear Crushed Cathy,

It's pretty clear that you still have some strong feelings around the breakup with your ex, so while going back to being just friends would be ideal, it will only work once you've let go of your romantic feelings for him. Since you're in the same circle of friends, you can remain cordial towards him, but it might just be too soon to jump right back into best friend status.

Crossing the friendship line is always a risk, but once the dust settles, hopefully you can see that your friendship is what brought you together in the first place. With time, maybe you both can work on rebuilding that connection but in the meantime, take all the distance you need to grieve your relationship. Good luck to you and try not to let your friends influence you to move too quickly.

Source

GiggleSugar Interviews Margaret Cho!

GiggleSugar — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 04:00:00 -0700

When I think of Margaret Cho, I think of her hilarious standup act in flashes of representative scenes. There's Margaret telling everyone how weird it is to be an Asian American on an airplane with a flight attendant offering you Asian chicken salad. ("That is not the salad of my people!") There's Margaret imitating her mother's cute Korean accent and puzzling over gay men and their, uh, interest in "the ass." And then there's Margaret imagining how period-centric the world would be if men menstruated. The busy comedian/activist/all-around rad diva took some time out of her schedule to talk with us about her many projects, including VH1's The Cho Show (the second episode airs tomorrow), what it's like to have a day named after you in San Francisco, and who is hotter: Lindsay Lohan or Samantha Ronson?

Source

To check out the interview (and/or to listen to it!), read more.

GiggleSugar: People feel very connected to you personally. Do you have any funny or crazy fan stories?

Margaret Cho:
People really connect with me for a lot of different reasons. I was the first Asian American person they ever saw on TV, and I was the first person to talk about gay stuff. I think when people see images of themselves in the media they feel like they matter, they exist and they‘re real so a lot of my connection with people who are fans of mine, it goes deeper than just an entertainment or artist kind of relationship, so I don’t really have like, a funny or weird fan story.

GS: You have a lot on your plate right now, particularly with The Cho Show which premiered on VH1 last week. I really love the chemistry you have with Selene, your gay friends, and your parents. It seemed to me like a 21st-century family.

MC: It’s like this beautiful, queer, multicultural, and very functional family. It’s really beautiful.

GS: Can you tell me what your vision for the show was?

MC: Well, I wanted to do a show about another Asian American family because I brought the first Asian American family to TV (All-American Girl) and I then I was alarmed that there had not been another one.

GS: Race, and sexuality and gender have been really central to your work and have inspired lots of people to join comedy who might not have felt like they could be a part of it. What do you think the state of race issues in comedy is these days?

MC:
It’s a big deal. Race is still very much a factor in how much we see of you. Like I look at my contemporaries, the people I started with are people like Ben Stiller, and I feel like, considering the difference in our careers, and how far he goes . . . he’s white, he’s straight, he’s a man. I think he’s great, I like him a lot, but . . .Race is a big factor in how successful people become.

GS: With some comedians I get the sense that they’re saying we’re post-identity, post-race, they think race doesn’t matter as much because now we’re all liberated . . .

MC: No! It’s just as bad as it always was. It’s incredibly sexist, incredibly racist, and incredibly homophobic. There’s no difference. It’s not liberated.

GS: I’m wondering if you saw the pictures of the Spanish basketball team . . .

MC:
Oh, yeah. That to me is so offensive but I feel that to them it was supposed to be affectionate. That’s how you’re affectionate, by showing racism. I think that there’s such a casual attitude towards racism against Asians that exists because I feel like the Asian community at large and especially the Asian-American community is not responsible enough to stand up to it and so I feel like it’s my responsibility to stand up to it.

GS: Who are some of the comics who inspired you and who are some of your favorite comedians now, and why?

MC:
When I was growing up, probably Joan Rivers or Richard Pryor or George Carlin or Steve Martin, Whoopi Goldberg, Paula Poundstone. Major huge influence. Love her. And now Wanda Sykes is my favorite. Chris Rock. Dave Chapelle. Bobby Lee. I’m a big fan of comedy.

GS: Do you see comedy evolving?

MC: I feel like comedians are becoming political - they’ve always been political - but they’re becoming more political now, and are even invited into the political realm to talk about politics. I’m an Obama campaign surrogate so to me that’s a very exciting thing to do. And so, I think, comedy has evolved and people are taking us more seriously as social commentators. Which is really cool.

GS: This is more a personal question but is also related to your humor. In your earlier shows like The Notorious C.H.O. you talk a lot about your experimentation when you were younger with sex, drugs and being kinda self-destructive. Do you regret any of that or do you think it contributed to who you are now and to your humor?

MC: I don’t regret that. I feel like . . . I want the brain cells back. (Laughs.) That’s the hard part . . .

GS: Don’t we all!

MC: Cuz I remember I used to be so lightning fast and it was like really crazy how smart I was. And now I’m just f*ckin’ so dumb, and I can’t remember sh*t.

GS: I think that’s age, too, cuz I’m right there with you.

MC: Yeah, but it’s f*ckin’ drugs. For me, it was totally drugs. I have huge gaps.

GS: But you weren’t a huffer or anything? (Laughs.)

MC: No, but you know, I did every drug, and a lot.

GS: You were a San Francisco girl, how could you avoid it?

MC: It’s so fun, but I miss the brain cells.

GS: They’ll regenerate. I think. (Laughs.) So, speaking of San Francisco, how does it feel to have a Margaret Cho day christened by the mayor?

MC: That was April 30. That was just last April. It was really cool and I actually work with Mayor Newsom a lot, because he and I are big gay marriage advocates.

GS: And your parents are still in San Francisco?

MC:
No, they moved. They’re in San Diego now.

GS: They’re so cute!

MC: They’re really cute.

GS: Your parents seem so not uptight!

MC: Well, they have their moments of getting super-uptight. They can’t fight their culture all the time. They can be pretty uptight sometimes and annoying. But they’re super-sweet and really fun, too.

GS: How does it feel to be successful and to also remain rebellious? Do you still feel like an outsider?

MC: I’ll always be an outsider because of who I am. There’s never going to be a feeling where I feel like I’ve arrived or I’m comfortable, but I feel like I’ve created my own thing. I love performing, I love doing standup comedy, and I love writing.

GS: You’ve been married for six years.

MC: We’ve been together for like 10. We’ve been married forever!

GS: But you still identify as bi or queer.

MC: For sure. Which I’ll always be. That doesn’t change.

GS: That’s wonderful. Are there any other projects that you’re working on that you’d like to talk about?

MC:
I’m doing a show for the Lifetime Channel now called Drop Dead Diva which is a comedy/drama. I play a legal secretary which is really cool and funny. I have to cover up my tattoos in a suit and be super-vanilla which is cool and which I love. And it’s a great show and then I’m going to finish out my tour dates, and then I’m gonna see if I finish out season two of The Cho Show. (I hope we are!) But we don’t know yet.

GS: What are some things that your fans might not know about you that would surprise them?

MC: Like, I am really a dog mom.

GS: Oh . . . ! [This is where I kept quiet about my cat fetish.]

MC: I have three dogs. They’re my whole life.

GS: Silly questions, now. Either or questions: Strawberry or grape-flavored gum?

MC: I can’t chew gum because I’m such a spaz like I would bite the inside of my mouth so much and bite my tongue and then my whole mouth would be filled with blood. It’s really stupid. I’m really dumb about chewing gum. I’m not sure how to. Sometimes, I’m super dumb about stuff. The other thing I’m dumb about is I don’t know how to do the laundry.

GS: I wish I didn’t know how to do the laundry and then I could make someone else do it. Granny panties or thongs?

MC: Um, I’d say thongs. But I do appreciate a granny panty in moderation.

GS: Lindsay Lohan or Samantha Ronson?

MC: Oooh. I love Samantha. (GS: I know!) MC: She’s such a hot dirty butch. I like her a lot.

MC: That’s it Margaret, thank you so much for your time. I hope to catch your show, Beautiful, in Santa Rosa!

You Asked: Is His Distance Normal?

DearSugar — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 12:30:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost six months now. From the start, I was aware that he suffered from mild depression but he happily and routinely takes medication for it. In the beginning, he was perfectly affectionate. The sex was incredible and I truly felt an emotional connection with him. He told me he did, too.

We met at work; I am a nurse and he worked on site in the maintenance department. About a month in, he was laid off and has since been collecting unemployment. He has been jobless for just about three months. He actively looked for a job for about a month, but he quickly gave up. He is being choosy - in my mind far too picky - and I feel like at this point, he doesn't have the right to do so. This is weighing heavily on our relationship. He is no longer affectionate. He is cold and distant to me. He makes no effort to hold a conversation with me, or think of things to do together. I can't explain it, but his tone has changed. He never initiates sex, and sometimes he even turns it down.

I can't take this pain much longer. I cook for him, clean his apartment, am at his doorstep within a half hour of him telling me he's lonely or misses me; I've even applied for jobs for him! I feel unappreciated, lonely, hurt, and simply unloved. What should I do? - Unloved Lauren

To see DearSugar's answer read more.

Dear Unloved Lauren,

I'm sorry to hear your relationship has taken this turn, but I'm glad to hear that your boyfriend is managing his depression. It seems that losing his job really exacerbated this change in his behavior and while it's by no means an excuse to make you feel unappreciated or unloved, it is completely understandable. Being unemployed in times like these must be incredibly unsettling, so it's no wonder his personal life is suffering, too. You're right, he shouldn't be picky about the jobs that are out there, but that's a decision he's going to have to make on his own. You can't force him into a role he's not interested in just because it offers a paycheck.

Since he's clearly taking his frustration and angst out on you, try to open the lines of communication more. Without adding more pressure to his plate, let him know how you're feeling, but take an understanding tone. Ask how you can help, but make sure he knows that he can't overstep his boundaries. The building resentment that I hear in your tone will only make things worse so if things don't change, perhaps a break is in order so he can figure out what he wants in his future. Good luck to you.

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Ruh Roh!

GiggleSugar — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 14:00:00 -0700

Who knew that one occupational hazard of being a news anchor was getting run down by a giant Zorb ball? My question though: How the hell is that thing almost $1,000?! Am I missing something? (UPDATE: Now that I've seen this video, I'm all for Zorbs. See what an open mind and an Internet connection can bring you?)