TresSugar

Mind Reading

GiggleSugar — Thu, 16 Aug 2007 12:00:00 -0700

I guess herd mentality doesn't apply to misplaced clubbers at a sporting event. (What's her thought bubble?)

Hump Day: Sex Makes Her Uncomfortable

TresSugar — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 07:30:23 -0800

Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's sex advice column. If you have questions about sex, send them to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!

Today's Question:
I'm 24 and in my first relationship. I really like the guy, we've been going out for six months, but I get nervous whenever he slips his hand under my underwear. He gets the hint and stops. I don't mind him doing other things (we haven't slept together yet), but I wish I wasn't such a prude. I don't know what he expects and I worry that he will be grossed out, as I only shave/wax the bikini line but not the whole thing. What if he thinks it is ugly? I also don't know what I should expect; he knows I'm a virgin, but I don't know how to speak to him about why I get uncomfortable, and I don't know how to overcome it! I also have a few stretch marks and worry that he will be grossed out by them. Please help?

To read Dr. Glickman's response, read more.

Thank you for sharing this challenging situation. I know that it can be scary to talk about things like this, but these are all really common thoughts.

One of the things that can help when you’re on the edge of your comfort zone is to take it very slowly. It’ll probably help to tell your guy about your discomfort, even if you can’t tell him why it’s there. You could simply say "I have a lot of discomfort around sex." You also might want to do a little solo exploration. It takes the pressure off because there aren’t any partner expectations. Check out the wonderful book Becoming Orgasmic. If you’re looking for tips or ideas for techniques, Tickle Your Fancy is full of suggestions. Once you know a bit more about what you like or dislike, you and your boyfriend might be able to find something that you both like to do.

It’s worth mentioning that vulvas come in all different shapes. (The vulva is the external female anatomy. The vagina is the inside part.) There’s a long history of negative attitudes towards the vulva, but each one is unique and beautiful in its own way. A lot of women have the idea that there’s something wrong with their vulvas because they don’t look like what we see in porn or because they have hair, and I think that’s unfortunate. I strongly recommend getting to know your parts and Scarleteen has a great site about that. It’s geared towards teens, but there's lots of amazing info about sex, bodies, and pleasure.

Another option would be to explore some of these concerns with a therapist. When you have an itch on your back, you need someone else to scratch it. Therapists help us by reaching the spots we can’t reach on our own. Lastly, depending on where you are, you could join a body-image support group. While they tend not to focus on sexuality, they can be an incredibly helpful way to work through our concerns about our bodies and how we (or other people) feel about them.

Working through these challenges isn’t always easy, but it can be very rewarding. Whatever route you choose, I hope you find the pleasure and joy that you deserve.

Copperfield Can So Read Your Mind

GiggleSugar — Sun, 06 Jan 2008 02:00:00 -0800

Copperfield just gets creepier. As if his boomerang eyebrows weren't enough to catch and keep our attention, the dude stares into the camera like a blood thirsty vampire and claims that he will "magically" find us if we play his mind-reading travel game. So I played to prove him wrong - only to prove him right. Sigh. Your turn.

Hump Day: I'm Self-Conscious About Receiving Oral Sex

TresSugar — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 06:00:00 -0700

Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's sex advice column. Are you confused about sex? Do you have trouble having an orgasm? Is there something you'd like to try but you're worried it's too weird? Send your questions to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!

Today's Question:

"I'm very self-conscious about my body, and that extends to receiving oral sex. I like to give blow jobs to my boyfriend, but I worry about smelling and tasting good so I rarely let him reciprocate. I wonder if I never get satisfaction when I let him go downtown (he has to practically beg!) because I can't relax enough to enjoy it. Any advice?"

To hear what Dr. Glickman has to say, read more

First off, the vagina is self-cleaning, as long as it's healthy. I mention that because I want to make sure that it's very clear that all of the myths about the vagina being dirty have more to do with sexism and sex-negativity than anything else. That was a bit different in the past, when women's medical needs weren't really addressed and things like yeast infections and bacterial vaginosis went untreated. At the same time, if you ever suspect that your scent has changed, that can be a sign of these or other conditions and it's worth getting checked out by a medical professional.

But assuming that there isn't anything like that going on for you, you definitely have my sympathies. Worries about our bodies and how our partners perceive us is a serious mood-killer. And the irony is that our partners often either don't mind or actively admire exactly those parts of our bodies that we're worrying about!

From what you've written, it sounds like your boyfriend has no problem going down on you. After all, if he's begging for it, it's probably something that he's into. How does he describe your scent or taste? If he's just as enthusiastic about that, maybe that can help you reframe how you feel about it. As the saying goes, we each have our own tastes (sorry for the bad pun, but I couldn't resist).

Try taking a shower before having sex. If you do it together, then it becomes part of the warm-up instead of a chore. While it may not be strictly necessary, if it helps you relax, there's no reason not to. Just don't overdo it with the soap. The vulva (the exterior female sex organs) is covered with sensitive skin and some women find that washing too much can be irritating. And don't get soap inside the vagina - it can be irritating or even set off a yeast infection if you're sensitive.

It might also help if the two of you approach oral sex as a pleasure in itself, rather than worrying about whether you'll have an orgasm from it. Set the bar a little lower for a while and aim for discovering ways that it can feel good for you, even if you don't have an orgasm. Make it a science experiment and have him try different techniques so you can discover how they feel. One great way to do that is for him to do two different things, such as sucking your clitoris or making circles with his tongue for a little bit. Then you decide whether you liked A or B more. It's a fun way to explore new sensations and keep your focus on what you're feeling, rather than worrying about your scent. If he needs some ideas for things to try, Tristan Taormino's Expert Guide to Oral Sex is a great DVD on the topic. Or check out Violet Blue's book Ultimate Guide To Cunnilingus for a fun read.

It could also be helpful if you ask your boyfriend for some positive reinforcement afterwards. After all, you're moving into an edge of your comfort zone and you deserve some hugs for that. When you're ready to move on from the oral experimentation, you'll probably feel better about it if he tells you how much he enjoyed it and that he's glad that the two of you are trying it out. If he goes too far and starts seeming pushy about it, that could backfire, so a light touch is better. But that's a really good way to make sure that you end on a positive note.

I hope that this helps. I know that it can be really hard when exploring out things that feel uncomfortable. It's a good idea to stretch enough to give it a serious try without going so far that it's too much. Take it slowly and remember - you want it to be fun!

Ask a Divorced Woman: Can I Save My Marriage?

TresSugar — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. If you have a question you'd like answered on Conventional Wisdom, you can submit it here.

This week, a divorced woman offers advice to a woman struggling with her marriage. After you read her answer, be sure to check out our Group Therapy group where I found this question.

Today's Question:
I've been married for a long time, and last year around Christmas my husband told me out of the blue that he didn't love me. I asked him to move out, and he did in February. We started seeing each other again in April and he has now moved back in swearing undying love, and it does feel different as he is attentive, etc.

The problem I have is that he slept with a work "friend" when we spilt up, and he still works with her. She is looking for another job, but he is not because he is trying to get funding for an MA from his employer. I have aired my dislike at them working together. I just need outside input on the different paths I can take. Should I throw him out or just bide my time and wait. I love him but hate this situation.

Signed,
Confused

To see the divorced woman's answer, read more.

Dear Confused,

It seems like you are having a hard time trusting your husband, and based on what has happened, I don't blame you.

Your husband told you out of the blue that "he didn't love you." This statement makes it hard for you to trust that he won't just change his mind again in the future. Then, once you split up, he had a relationship with someone else that he still sees every day. While it's true he didn't technically cheat, I think you are completely rational for taking issue with this.

It is eating away at you knowing that he works with this woman and it will probably keep you from repairing your marriage. You can give it some time, but if after a few months she is not gone, you should tell him to get a new job. If he doesn't make an effort to get away from this woman, then you should question his level of commitment. I'm happy you feel that he is more attentive now that he has come back, but I think you need to spend more time focusing on your needs.

In the end, I think you should take things one day at a time until you determine whether or not you feel complete in the relationship. I'm sure you have a lot invested in this marriage, so don't feel guilty for trying to make it work. But if it can't work for you, don't be afraid to move on.

Signed,
A divorced woman

Join TrèsSugar's Most Popular Groups!

TresSugar — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 15:00:00 -0700

Our most popular group may be the anonymous and answer-ready Group Therapy, but these others - many that you made - aren't far behind. Post pictures that express your state of mind on the Mood Gallery; discuss your latest under-the-covers read on books and shoes's Sensual Reads; get real answers to explicit questions on legallyblonde's Sex 101; find a laugh at DesignRchic's Funny Farm; and get inspired at Fashionsugar's Inspiration of the Day group.

Group Therapy	Mood Gallery	Sensual Reads
Sex 101	Funny Farm	Inspiration of the Day

Learn more about Très's growing community, including how to join and start groups, here.
Source: Flickr Users haaley, bored-now, quinn.anya, and basheertome

Hump Day: Why Do I Get Dry Sometimes?

TresSugar — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Today's Question:

"I get really dry sometimes when my boyfriend and I are having sex. I know all about lubricants, but I'm having trouble guessing when I might need help." To read Dr. Glickman's response, read more

There are a lot of reasons why women experience fluctuations in how much they lubricate. For some, it’s just part of the menstrual cycle. Some women lubricate more at ovulation, while others say that’s when they’re driest. Lots of women also report that their vaginal lubrication changed when they got pregnant and again, some say that they became much wetter and others say that they got drier. So while we know that changes in hormones can influence it, there’s a lot of variation in how much and in what direction. It’s also worth mentioning that menopause generally reduces how much lubrication your body will produce.

Lots of medications and drugs also affect vaginal lubrication, even if it’s rarely listed on the bottle or box. For example, allergy medications are formulated to dry the mucous membranes in your sinuses, but they can do the same to the vagina. Anti-depressants, antihistamines, anxiety medications, smoking cigarettes or marijuana, and drinking alcohol can do the same. In general, if a medication or drug makes your mouth or sinuses dry, it could also reduce vaginal lubrication. Unfortunately, most doctors are unaware of these effects or they don’t feel comfortable talking to their patients about it.

I think it’s really unfortunate that we have this cultural myth that vaginal lubrication is proportional to arousal. Many women find that they can be totally turned on while being pretty dry and others might be quite wet while barely aroused. The best thing we can do is learn to separate the two things in our minds.

You say that you know about lubricants, but for the folks who don’t, here’s a little info.

There are pros and cons to the lubricants on the market, and it can take a little experimenting to find one that will work for you. You might also find that a lube that worked great for a long time isn’t working so well anymore. It’s kind of like shampoo or skin lotion - after a while, you might need to change brands as your individual chemistry changes.

Water-based lubricants can be thin and slippery, or they can be thicker gels. They rinse away really easily, making cleanup a snap, but they do dry out after a while. The glycerin-based lubes last a bit longer, but they tend to get sticky when they dry out. You can add a little water or saliva to freshen them up. While glycerin doesn’t cause yeast infections, it can make one worse if you get one for some other reason, so if you’re prone to yeast infections, avoid these lubes. The glycerin-free lubricants don’t get sticky, but they usually don’t quite last as long. They soak in like hand lotion, so adding water doesn’t work; you need to add some more.

Silicone lubricants don’t dry out (so if you spill some on the kitchen floor, be sure to wipe it up) and are hypoallergenic. They’re also waterproof, which is a plus if you want to have sex in the shower but it can make them a bit trickier to clean up and they sometimes stain sheets. They’re also hypoallergenic and have no taste or scent.

Some people like to use oils as sexual lubricants. If you want to give them a try, use something organic and vegetable-based, such as coconut or almond oils. Mineral oils like baby oil or Vaseline actually dry the skin since the body can’t absorb them or break them down. Coconut oil is solid at room temperature, so it doesn’t go rancid. Keep almond oil in the fridge. And never use oils with latex condoms, diaphragms or cervical caps. Oils will make them dissolve: a condom will break in about 30 seconds if it comes into contact with oil.

A few tips for using lubricants. First, keep the bottle near the bed. You’ll want to be able to grab it when you need it. Second, pump bottles make it a lot easier to add more without fumbling to get the bottle open. Third, if you accidentally get too much lube out of the bottle, don’t put the extra back in. You don’t want to contaminate the bottle with anything that might be on your hand. And lastly, many lube makers offer single-use packets or small bottles. While they cost more per ounce than larger bottles, you can stick them in a pocket or purse pretty easily, not to mention your carry-on bag.

So I think that the best thing for you to do is to keep lube handy and use it when you need it. It takes about 5 seconds to apply and it’ll make sex a lot more fun. And don’t stress about whether it means anything that you sometimes need a little extra slipperiness.

Don't forget to send your questions to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman will offer his sound advice!

Hump Day: My Boyfriend Is a One-Minute Man

TresSugar — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 06:00:00 -0700

Today's Question:

"My boyfriend has premature ejaculation problems, and it's a little frustrating for me. As far as I know, he doesn't have any health problems. Is this psychological? Can I help him fix this?" To hear Dr. Glickman's response, read more

One of the challenges when talking about premature ejaculation is coming up with a common definition for it. Masters & Johnson defined it as when a man ejaculates before his (female) partner at least half of the time. Others have tried to define it as when he orgasms within two minutes of starting to have intercourse. That kind of definition works better in some ways, especially since many women don’t orgasm from intercourse. Ultimately, the “problem” of premature ejaculation rests on whether it causes concern for either person and since you’ve said that you’re finding it frustrating, that’s good enough for me.

There are a lot of potential causes of premature ejaculation, from the physical to the psychological. It can be caused by anxiety and stress, hormonal imbalances, prostate health issues, and relationship difficulties. With all of these possible reasons, some of which need a medical exam to detect, there’s no way for me to tell you what’s causing it for him. Having said that, there are some tips that I can offer you. Bear in mind that these assume that there aren’t any medical factors complicating the situation.

First off, anxiety is a common cause of both erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation. Unfortunately, worrying about whether it’ll happen can make it happen, creating a self-fulfilling prediction. One of the best ways to address that is to widen your definition of what you consider sex and pleasure to be. If you can let go of the focus on intercourse and enjoy the buffet of sexual options, the worry tends to decrease. It can be really helpful to talk about how you might make that happen when you’re not having sex or just afterwards. If he’s feeling embarrassed about the situation, it’s probably going to be a lot easier to have the conversation when the clothes are still on.

Another factor that can influence when a guy ejaculates is what position he’s in. For many men, being on top seems to make him orgasm more quickly, while lying back and being straddled can make things last longer. While I’m not aware of any actual research on this, I’ve heard stories from enough men to suggest that you give it a try and see what happens.

Still another reason that some men ejaculate more quickly than they or their partners might like is that they don’t know how to work with their sexual energy. Modern tantra and other similar practices offer many men a lot of useful tools and tips for lasting longer. While this approach might not be everyone’s cup of tea, I think it’s worth looking into. Check out Mantak Chia’s book The Multi-Orgasmic Man for a really interesting and easy-to-read take on this. He also has a book for women and one for couples.

Also, some men report that one of the best ways to last longer is to be on the receiving end of a little more foreplay. Actually, I dislike the word “foreplay” since it implies that everything else is just a lead-up to “real sex.” But leaving that aside, many of us are familiar with the idea that lots of women prefer/enjoy/need some warm-up before intercourse. What you might not know is that a slower approach can be a great thing for lots of guys, too. Men’s sexual arousal isn’t just about getting an erection; ramping up can increase how much sexual energy he can maintain. Or to put it another way, just because some guys can hit the ground running doesn’t change the fact that a little warm-up makes it a lot easier. So try extending how much time you give oral sex, hand-jobs, kissing, whatever. It can help him relax and increase his arousal, both of which reduce anxiety and can make it easier for him to last longer.

To get to the last question that you ask, there are some things you can do to help him but he needs to be willing to deal with this situation in the first place. A lot of men feel ashamed of early ejaculation, even though a lot of men experience it, at least sometimes. One of the best things you can do is to talk about it with him at a time when you’re not having sex. Right after it happens is probably not ideal since he’s having whatever feelings this brings up for him. And yes, men have feelings, even when (or especially when) they don’t know how to show them!

Slow-Sex Movement Guru: On Orgasms and Sex Positivity

TresSugar — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 11:00:00 -0700

"I’ve never actually met a woman who wasn’t orgasmic. I’ve met women who’ve put themselves against a cultural idea, but we orgasm differently from the model that we’re told orgasm is."

This is the last post in a four-part series of interviews I had with Nicole Daedone, who is emerging as the leader of the slow-sex movement, and who founded the OneTaste urban retreat center in San Francisco. OneTaste invites men and women to learn about mindful sexuality by participating in workshops, yoga, and (for residents only) controversial "OMing" sessions in which men stroke women to orgasm during daily morning sessions. To read the fourth part of the interview with Nicole, read more.

TrèsSugar: Do you think that so-called “sex positivity” has helped women? There are a lot of women who have grown up around the idea that sexual desire isn’t something shameful, but rather something to explore and have fun with. Has it brought its own problems?
Nicole Daedone: I think that it’s like yoga; you’re constantly making microadjustments. I think that we went too far this way, into heedlessness, and that’s not any fun either. We’ve opened a field of sexuality and so the next question is, “What do we do with it?” Just open is a mess, but open and directed is power.

TS: You have a book coming out, but what’s your fantasy about where all this is going?
ND: My vision of how it’s going to go is that there will be a slow-sex movement and it will be women who carry it. It will be twofold: top down with a lot of information coming in from the media, but it will also be grassroots where the message will be transmitted from one person to the next.

TS: What do you think about the fact that there are many women who still - alone or with a partner - have never had an orgasm?
ND: It’s heartbreaking. It shows how far away from our own bodies we have to be to feel that way. I’ve met a lot of women who say they’ve never had an orgasm.
TS: Or they fake it! I think that some women feel that there’s a right way to have an orgasm: it’s supposed to look like this, sound like that, feel exactly like this …
ND: But - I’ve never actually met a woman who wasn’t orgasmic. I’ve met women who’ve put themselves against a cultural idea, but we orgasm differently from the model that we’re told orgasm is. So yeah, you know what? I don’t do "that" either.

Thanks, Nicole! (To see all of TrèsSugar's coverage of the slow-sex movement and Nicole Daedone's interviews, click here.)

Slow Sex Movement Guru: What Do Men Want?

TresSugar — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 14:00:00 -0700

"The men who come to OneTaste are men who are so sick of having to pretend like they know what they’re doing."

This is the third in a four-part series of interviews I had with Nicole Daedone, who is emerging as the leader of the slow-sex movement and who founded the OneTaste urban retreat center in San Francisco. OneTaste invites men and women to learn about mindful sexuality by participating in workshops, yoga, and (for residents only) controversial "OMing" sessions in which men stroke women to orgasm during daily morning sessions. To read the third part of the interview with Nicole, read more.

TrèsSugar: Why do you think men come to OneTaste? Is it different from why women do?
Nicole Daedone: Everyone is coming to plug into the same thing. But there is a gender differentiation. My experience with most men is that they can sense that the kind of power that they have in our culture is a precarious thing. Because it’s not real, it’s not based on truth. It’s crumbling, right? We’re watching that everywhere, so most of the guys that I see who come in don’t really want to hold the power of sexuality. They don’t want to be the sole holders of this thing.

How we have sexuality set up at this point is a subject-object relationship and so it’s just inaccurate. Guys are thinking, “But I have power” and women are thinking, “But I’m the victim." We know that's not true; we want to find that right true relationship. The men who come to OneTaste are men who are so sick of having to pretend like they know what they’re doing.

TS: Regarding the OMing sessions, how does it help men to unload their sense of having to hold the power, as you put it, when they're touching women and bringing them to orgasm? I'm sure this is very misunderstood!
ND: The primary reason that it’s misunderstood is what I was talking about with the subject-object issue. If you look at it like something is operating on something, like “he is doing something to her,” you miss the point of what’s actually happening. It’s this amazing feedback loop, a kind of surrendering into a field of sexuality. Both people are plugging into something together and playing different roles in it.

TS: In tantric sex, there's an emphasis on eye contact. But in the article about OneTaste in the New York Times, the writer says there's a no eye contact rule. I think that could be misconstrued as something really anonymous and weird.
ND: There's actually no rule that you have to make eye contact. I’m saying, “Look, you don’t have to look into each other’s eyes.” I know that as a woman, I’ve done a lot more eye gazing than I was actually comfortable with and then what I’m doing is that I’m looking at him and wondering if I really look attractive. Then all of a sudden I’m contorting my face to make sure it looks attractive and then I’m no longer focusing on the sensation of no longer focusing on the attraction.

TS: There’s this idea that intimacy might only happen if you’re gazing into somebody’s eyes.
ND: I’ll have this experience with my boyfriend where my back will be to the door and I’ll feel him come into the room. That is such a subtle level of intimacy that we very often miss because we so rely on our visual sense. More what I’m saying is let’s take these things that we overly rely on and sometimes just be willing to not rely on those but not exclude them. I’m not interested in excluding anything, I’m interested in including more.

TS: For some women, male sexuality just feels toxic. I don't think it's inherently so, but perhaps becomes that way.
ND: I think that the reason it becomes toxic is because it doesn’t have counterbalance. I think that we have male sexuality that has grown up like this, and female sexuality that has grown up like this, and so I think it just gets out of balance and wonky.

One of the feminist things we can do today is say, “Hey, wait a minute. I’m responsible for this, I’m not being victimized by this sex that’s coming at me." I deal with these guys trying to find the tiniest spot on a woman’s body after however many years of having a woman not talk to them about their sexuality except to say, “No” or “I don’t like that,” or like “Ewww.” So these guys have as many issues as the women!