TresSugar

Has Anybody Ever Told You You Were Mean?

TresSugar — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 09:00:00 -0700

I think most people think of themselves as nice, but we can all have a mean streak from time to time. When I was in high school, my best friend told me that her younger sister thought I was mean. I definitely wasn't the mean girl in school, but I guess I had treated my friend's freshman sister like an underling. It totally came as a shock to me, and since that day I've been more careful about coming off as unintentionally rude to other people. Has anyone ever accused you of being unkind?

You Asked: I'm Insensitive and Want to Change

DearSugar — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 12:30:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I grew up with a verbally abusive mother. She swore, screamed, and said nasty things when she was upset, and she still doesn't understand the impact that her cruel words had on my feelings. As an adult, I'm learning to accept her for who she is but unfortunately, I've also become conscious of the fact that I've inherited her out-of-control mouth; and I don't like it. I've been called "harsh" and "blunt" since I was a preteen, but only now have I realized that those terms are just euphemisms for "mean"! I've begun to catch myself making mean jokes at others' expense, swearing like a sailor, making judgments, and being rude in social situations. The worst part is that I can only seem to catch myself five seconds after the horrible words escape my mouth. I have many friends and a loving boyfriend, but I'm afraid I will drive them all away with my insensitive and harsh words. I'm a good person and I want to change, but I'm not sure I can. Is it too late? - Potty Mouth Patsy

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Dear Potty Mouth Patsy,

Your concerns are valid and I'm glad you're willing to change your ways - admitting your wrongdoings is the first step. It sounds like you have a classic case of not thinking before speaking, but it's not too late, Patsy. First off, try to process your words before saying them out loud and see if that changes anything; I bet it will. Since re-training yourself might take a while, be sure to acknowledge your mean statements and apologize if you fear you've hurt someone's feelings. We all say stupid things every now and then, but it's important to take action and make amends if necessary.

Since you've been clearly hurt by your mother's behavior, you should consider talking to a therapist to work out how her actions affected you and why you're repeating history. You can change this behavior in yourself if you set your mind to it so be patient with yourself and use that fear of being abandoned by your loved ones as motivation. Good luck.

Dear Poll: Do You Call Out Your Friends?

DearSugar — Wed, 07 May 2008 16:00:00 -0700

Sometimes our friends don't act on their best behavior, either towards us or to other people, but no one's perfect all the time, right? So when they do act out, it's our job as their friends to tell them so - or is it? Sometimes when you're stuck in a funk, it's hard to realize it on your own. Then, even if it's unpleasant to call someone out on their bad behavior, sometimes they need a friend to put them in their place. So ladies, whether your friend is being a bridezilla, a birthday drama queen, or just plan bratty, tell me, do you call them out on it?

Source

Do High School Mean Girls Become Adult Bullies?

DearSugar — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 10:00:00 -0700

Yesterday a story was released on CBS News' The Early Show" about eight Florida teens, including six females and two males, involved in the filming and beating of another teenage girl. According to reports, "the teens' motivation for the attack was to produce a video that would become popular on YouTube."

The victimization of women by other women has sadly always been par for the course when it comes to young social groups, but this truly displays a whole new level of awfulness. While Mean Girls may have made this phenomenon funny, it's incidents like these that remind us that real-life mean girls are nothing to laugh about.

Though I hope that many of these young women will grow up and realize the nature of their shameful deeds, I can't help but wonder what happens if they don't. Do you think this behavior is something girls can grow out of or do you think they just become adult bullies? Since workplace bullying has come under scrutiny, tell me ladies, have you experienced bullying from another woman as an adult?

Source

You Asked: My Friends Have Changed

DearSugar — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have a tight-knit group of girlfriends that I have been close to for the past two years. They've been a great support to me during this time, but lately something is different. I'm not sure if I've changed or if they have, but we just don't seem to get along anymore. They've been really rude and angry to me lately for no reason. It's like they're ganging up on me, and I keep getting the feeling that they're talking about be while I'm not there.

I have been very busy between work and school, and I haven't been able to spend much time with them. They've been very judgmental of me, and there have even been a few incidents when I caught them avoiding me or ignoring my calls. I'm really sick of this, but I don't have many other people I can turn to. I miss the way things were, but I don't want to subject myself to this anymore. What should I do?

- Abandoned Alicia

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Dear Abandoned Alicia,

I wish I could give you a reason for why you're friends have suddenly turned their backs on you, but unfortunately, it's impossible to guess. It's not all too uncommon for friends to drift apart as life gets in the way. I'd let your friends know how much you care for them and how their actions are making you feel. Make sure they understand that you want to be spending time with them, it's just that your schedule is really overwhelming and ask them to bare with you. Try planning girls' nights in advance - throw a movie party or plan a taco night.

If they continue to treat you like this, you might want to let them go. Friends are meant to be there for you during the good times and the bad, they're not there to make you feel guilty or bad about yourself. Perhaps time will make them see their immaturity, but it may not be worth waiting around to find out. Making new friends is always challenging, but it's also completely rewarding!

Source

You Asked: Why are Women so B*tchy?

DearSugar — Mon, 18 Jun 2007 07:54:46 -0700

Dear Sugar--
I have always been somewhat of a "lone wolf" and I have started to look at isolation as heaven. My friends ignore me, talk behind my back and are not considerate to me. We used to all have fun together, but now, THEY have fun and have inside jokes while I politely stand by waiting for them to acknowledge I am there. I think it might be because they have "known each other for SO long" and I am a "work friend" that just moved here without knowing anyone. Should I just stop trying to be their friend or keep on putting forth the effort in hopes they open up their circle to me? I know this seems like a stupid question, but it is really hard not knowing anyone and having the comforts of a best friend to turn to. I'm sensitive, but I also hate pity parties. --Left out Olivia

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Dear Left out Olivia--

Is this a scene straight out of Mean Girls? I am sorry you are feeling left out of your new circle of friends -- unfortunately girls can be incredibly catty and hateful to each other, but know that most of the time women act that way out of insecurity. Although I am sure it doesn't make you feel any better about the situation, rest assured that you most likely aren't doing anything wrong. Have you confronted these women about the way their actions are making you feel? Have you suggested any ways to get to know each other better or work on your friendships?

Moving to a new city and making all new friends is not an easy task, but if these women continue to make you feel badly about yourself or if they make you feel like you are not good enough for them, it sounds like you would be better off starting from scratch and finding a new circle. Join a gym, or get involved in your community. Enroll in a local book club or read in a coffee shop. The more you get out there, the easier it is to meet new people. Just because you work with these women, it doesn't mean you need to be their best friend. You don't deserve to be treated poorly just because you haven't known them for "so long" so if I were you, I would stop trying now before you get yourself too invested in each other's lives. Good luck to you.

Source

You Asked: Ridiculed For What I Love

DearSugar — Wed, 14 Mar 2007 12:23:00 -0700

DearSugar --

I love to read. Period. Reading is like getting wings, lifting me above the boring routine of everything. I have a book all the time. In the car (when I'm a passenger), in school, at lunch, EVERYWHERE. It's because life is so boring. But every day, I get ridiculed for doing something I love. People call me a sicko for reading so much. It shouldn't hurt me, but it does. How do I ignore them successfully?
~ Bookish Betty

To see DEARSUGAR's answer read more

Dear Bookish Betty --

I love that you love to read. Seriously, I think it's one of the coolest things that people do. Trust me when I tell you that the very same people who give you a hard time for reading would be giving you a hard time for something else if you loved that. People can be like that sometimes, and I wish it weren't true.

I know that it hurts, Betty, and I don't know if it's possible to change the fact that it hurts. The most important thing to do around the hurt is to know, with complete certainty, that it will lessen with time, that you will meet other people who share your passion and intelligence, and that what's wrong in this situation has nothing whatsoever to do with you, but with the unkindness, insecurities, and foolishness of others. The problem belongs to others, Betty. You'll need to remain strong and proud, and you'll need to guard against believing their nonsense.

On a different note, Betty, I encourage you to look around a little, to listen and to interact with good people. All the things in the books you love are things the writers observed, heard and experienced, and transformed into words in your books. While life can be strange and mysterious, difficult and boring, that's only part of what it's like. It's our responsibility to discover the rest, to find it and share it. Have experiences, Bookish Betty, don't only read about them. When you do this, I promise what you discover in books will become even more magical and beautiful.

I found a few websites for you, too. I'm guessing you'll meet some people through them who share your love of reading and who will appreciate your passion for it, Betty. There are a lot of us out here, I promise.

Looks to be some cool resources here. And this is an internet public library with tons of links for books, zines, online reading lists and clubs, etc!

Source

Giggle's Anti-Gift Guide: Mean Bags

GiggleSugar — Wed, 28 Nov 2007 00:02:00 -0800

If you ain't got anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Instead, pelt that insult in the direction of a deserving target using the fiercest bean bags in town. Mean Bags are delightfully colorful (in more ways than one) and "sewn deliberately with hostility and mean-spiritedness in mind." Give that special someone the gift of passive-aggressive animosity this Christmas season, ~~give~~ hurl a mean bag.

What Women Say, What They Really Mean...

GiggleSugar — Mon, 15 Oct 2007 13:00:00 -0700

I've seen this list of "translations" for things women say versus what they mean. It's more amusing to see it acted out, though. Men complain that women say "Nothing" when asked "What's wrong?", for example, but they should trust me when I say the following. They'd much rather hear the passive-aggressive responses than the "truth"...

East vs. West: Berlin Wall Divided Two Attitudes Toward Nudity

TresSugar — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 08:00:49 -0800

When the Berlin Wall fell 20 years ago last week, East and West Germany had to integrate two very different cultures. Freedom may have spread quickly through the East, but nudity - the East's favorite and perhaps only freedom - never caught on in the West.

Freikörperkultur (FKK), or liberal body culture, was really the only way to rebel in the East, where the most quotidian details of people's lives were observed by the Stasi, East Germany's secret police. Though the East German government forbid FKK at first, many government officials were into walking around nude, so they protested with the argument that "doing FKK" did not mean you weren't a good communist. Good point - don't they put kids in school uniforms to level the playing field? What's more egalitarian than wearing nothing!

Yet on the west side of the wall, the attitude toward nudity was more on par with America and its don't-even-discuss-it-in-public ethos. A West German interviewed a former East German for Vice magazine to find out what's so great about wearing nothing. Check out some of the highlights after the jump.