TresSugar

Dear Poll: Do You Prefer a Serious Man or a Kid at Heart?

DearSugar — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 17:00:00 -0700

I can appreciate a serious guy who is mature and looks at things from a rational point of view, but too much seriousness can be dull. Since I have to be able laugh, I love a guy who's a kid at heart, but not at the expense of his reliability. The ideal guy would possess a perfect combination of both traits, but if you had to choose, what would it be for you?

Source

Are Teens Growing Up Too Fast or Too Slowly?

TresSugar — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 15:00:00 -0800

When I first saw this headline on Newsweek, "Why Teenagers Are Growing Up So Slowly Today," I thought, whaaa? With all the sexting and drugs, aren't teens growing up too fast?

Just because teens are doing adult things doesn't mean they are acting like adults, argue Joseph Allen and Claudia Worrell Allen, authors of Escaping the Endless Adolescence. By sheltering adolescents from work and other grownup issues in cookie-cutter high schools, we may be preventing their brains from maturing. Says Allen: "We don’t give teens enough ways to take risks that are productive." That results in bad risky behavior for cheap thrills and a generation of 25 year olds who act like teenagers. Do you think there's any truth to the argument that not treating teens like adults actually stunts their adulthood?

Ask a Woman Unwilling to Settle: My Boyfriend Calls Me Names

TresSugar — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. If you have a question you'd like answered on Conventional Wisdom, you can submit it here.

This week, a woman unwilling to settle shares her wisdom with a distraught woman who's sick of her boyfriend calling her cruel names. October is domestic violence awareness month. Remember, just because he's not punching you in the face doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Verbal abuse is still abuse.

This week's question:

"Every time my boyfriend gets angry, I get called names. 'Bitch' is the most often one thrown at me. I have told him so many times that it hurts me but he says it's only words. Sometimes he doesn't even apologize. Yesterday, he told me a story about his friend. I told him that I had a headache. He started shouting and telling me that I just wasn't interested, that I was rude. I wanted him to shut up. He called me a bitch again! He always tells me that he would never call me anything if I didn't make him by behaving like an idiot. Once he called me pathetic. I told him I didn't like that and he said at least he didn't call me a bitch. I'm sick and tired of explaining how wrong he is. He thinks he knows better. Please help!"

Signed,

In Pain

To hear what a woman unwilling to settle thinks about this situation, read more

Dear In Pain:

GET OUT. DUMP HIM. MOVE ON. LET GO. LEAVE. DROP HIM!

The simple truth is that your boyfriend does not respect you and he certainly doesn’t value you, your feelings, or your relationship. He is literally shouting this at you. And it’s time for you to hear him, loud and clear.

I realize it’s easy to become confused in matters of the heart. But at the core of any meaningful, loving, long-lasting relationship is always going to be respect. (Trust Aretha to say it like it is!) Without that, you’ve got nothing. And that is exactly what you’ve got right now-nothing.

Your boyfriend doesn’t have the maturity, self-awareness, or emotional development to be the man you want or to offer you the relationship you deserve. (Or at least I presume you expect something more, since you’ve taken the time to write in!)

You are only fooling yourself if you think this guy is going to change. And while you continue to endure his demeaning comments and cruel behavior, you could be out there enjoying the world, meeting new people, and building a life and relationships to be proud of. What are you waiting for?

Take that next step! Show yourself a little respect and leave him and his drama behind you. And while you’re at it, ask yourself one very simple question: why are you in this situation to begin with? If you take the time to sort out your head now, you’ll spare yourself the heartache and disappointment of repeating the same pattern in the future. And at that point you'll be free to meet someone worthy of your time and your heart. Stop being so afraid to take responsibility for your own happiness and make the change now!

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Astrology: Do You Believe in Saturn's Return?

TresSugar — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 15:00:00 -0700

If you're anywhere between 27 and 30 and have ever had, oh, a problem, someone might tell you not to worry - or, actually do worry. It's all part of a perfect celestial storm known as Saturn's return. Taking about 29 years to orbit the Earth, Saturn returns to the place it was in at your birth every 29 years. This means one thing to astrologers - rebirth!

Birth is painful; rebirth isn't much better, especially considering Saturn is a sign of growth. Astrologers believe Saturn's return represents life changes: the first time it returns in your late 20s, you enter adulthood. The next time, around 60, you enter maturity, and the final time, at 90, you enter the wisdom of old age. None of it comes easy.

So what does Saturn's return mean for those approaching 30? It's out with the old and in with the new: self-examination, career changes, bad relationships ending, good relationships deepening, and, hey, maybe you'll have a baby! To which I say, these are all things that happen anyway.

Yet, Saturn's return is all over pop culture. No Doubt named its 2000 album Return of Saturn as Gwen Stefani approached her 29th birthday; there's a book - Surviving Saturn's Return - about it; and then there's this amazing blog that connects Saturn's return with events in celebrities lives. It's quite morbid, actually, blaming Annie Leibovitz's money troubles and the deaths of John Hughes, Heath Ledger, and Julia Child on the return of Saturn.

Sound about right to you, or should the idea return to outer space?

Source Flickr User LarsOh

Are You a Compulsive People-Pleaser?

TresSugar — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 04:00:00 -0700

We've all done it before - offering to do a favor we later regret, or overextending ourselves when really we just need me-time. But for some people (and I imagine women outnumber men here because of social conditioning), chronic niceness can verge on the pathological and actually be hazardous to the people-pleaser's overall health.

According to Les Barbanell, psychologist and author of Removing the Mask of Kindness, there are many reasons compulsive people-pleasers turn out that way. They could have had emotionally distant, controlling or depressed parents who were also possibly overcritical perfectionists. As a result, their children grew up believing that in order to win their love, they needed to do whatever it took to please them.

If gestures of generosity to other people are not measured against what a person can reasonably give, the result is often depression, anxiety, and (not surprisingly) repressed rage. In its connection to narcissistic personality disorder, so-called "caretaker personality disorder" shows its not-so-selfless and not-so-nice face: it can often cover for the do-gooder's secret ego trip. Like people with NPD, CPDers "require excessive admiration and envy . . .have an overt sense of entitlement, and . . . are incapable of forming equal and mature relationships."

When flight attendants tell parents to put their oxygen masks on before they put them on their children, it's a hint for all of us: don't take care of others before you take care of yourself - or you may pay for it psychologically and emotionally.

Ask a High School Principal: I'm Not Sure About Kids

TresSugar — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 08:00:43 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. This week, a high school principal offers his advice to a woman hesitant about motherhood. If you want to throw your hat into the ring, you can submit questions here.

This week's question:

I don't know if I want to have any kids. My boyfriend does. He'd like to start a family by the time he's thirty (in about five years). I know I don't want any children at this time. I guess I've always thought I'd have kids eventually. Sometimes I like the idea, but what if the desire for motherhood never really kicks in? I can't have a baby and think, "Oh wait, I don't really want this anymore." I don't want to resent my child, or my husband. How am I supposed to commit totally to a relationship when I don't know if we have the same goals for the future? Should I be worried about this now?

Signed, Confused About Kids

To see the high school principal's answer, read more.

Dear Confused About Kids,

During my 30 years in education I have watched the lives of young people unfold in unique and unexpected ways. While much time has passed since high school, your early twenties are still a formative stage of your life and career. You should feel good about what you are struggling with, for it is a sign of maturity and emotional depth. However, before you jump in and tackle the idea of having children with your boyfriend, you might want to take on a broader discussion of where you are in your relationship.

There are many issues to ponder, so I suggest you do a little homework. And as is true with school, there are fun ways to learn. To further understand each others' intimate thoughts, you could play a game over dinner asking each other questions like, "If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?" If either of you are from a large family, chat about how things might have been different if you or he were an only child. You could also ask each other to describe the ideal vacation. If he says it is a two week camping trip in the mountains and you are a sun and sand kind of girl, you better start talking. A little game like this could lead to a deeper discussion about the future and help you both decide if you are meant to live your lives together.

You certainly don’t have to come to a decision now about children, but if you harbor strong feelings on the subject you owe it to your boyfriend to express how you feel; you must come to some understanding before moving forward with your relationship. Good luck!

Signed, A High School Principal

Saving Yourself but Rushing Into Marriage?

TresSugar — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 12:00:28 -0700

I have a high school friend who was raised in a church-going family and got married right out of college. In her late 20s, she admitted to me that while she and her husband have a great time together, most of her other friends are still single or living with their boyfriends. "I don't really know why we got married so young," she said.

What I wanted to say - but didn't - was "Because you wanted to have sex!" For some couples, saving themselves for marriage means getting married sooner rather than later. Not surprisingly, some evangelicals are encouraging couples to marry younger, but modern-day, abstinence-practicing lovebirds sometimes find it difficult to balance that with their peers' tendency to get married later in life. To discuss this dilemma, read more.

Think of it as a wholesome twist on the traditional shotgun wedding, with its own complications:

The call for young marriage raises questions: How young is too young? What if marriage is viewed as a ticket to guilt-free sex? What about the fact that marrying young is the No. 1 predictor of divorce?

A recent story in Christianity Today, titled "The Case For Young Marriage," acknowledges that it's unrealistic to expect couples to save themselves for marriage if marriage isn't happening until their late 20s or early 30s. But the article doesn't endorse premarital sex; it merely suggests that the abstinence message may be coming on too strong.

Megan and Jay Mkrtschjan also got married right out of college, and the groom says it had a lot to do with sex. But now the couple says getting married young may have helped them, since they worked out their early hardships while both were still maturing, rather than getting married older, when both were set in their ways.

Do you think that abstaining from sex leads to earlier marriages? And if so, is there really anything so wrong with getting married young?

Stacy Anderson Is The Cougar

TresSugar — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 17:36:08 -0700

Meet Stacy Anderson, a sexy, intelligent, 40-year-old real estate agent who's done really well for herself and her four children. Married at 16 and feeling like she lived her youth for her ex-husband and children, Stacy's now ready to ~~PARTAY, mmkay?~~ find true love with a guy in his early 20s. (Wait - what?) I'm not saying it couldn't happen, but is looking for true love as a mature, accomplished woman among a pool of inexperienced horndogs with a thing for older women going to get you what you want?

This clip from the premiere episode of TV Land's The Cougar, hosted by Vivica A. Fox (!) will make you wonder if "true love" is what our gal Stacy here is really after. I'm just sayin'. . .

Sugar Daddies Are Making a Comeback!

DearSugar — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 10:00:00 -0800

Sugar Daddies were a thing of the '80s, but according to Fox News, they may be making a comeback! If you're unfamiliar with the term, a Sugar Daddy is an older, usually married guy, who has a younger mistress on the side. He's wealthy and he generally buys her extravagant gifts, takes her on luxurious trips, and gives her money to shop with. In return, she offers him sex with no strings attached. I know what you're thinking: it sounds like prostitution, but according to Fox News’ sexpert, Yvonne Fulbright, "pop culture has started to make this mainstream . . . and glamorize women who are in these situations."

Now that the economy has taken a nosedive, there is a resurgence of the Sugar Daddy, as some women are seeing this as a good option to get things they need or want. But it isn't just women taking from wealthy men. There are also Sugar Mommies - rich women getting sex by offering handsome young men material things. There are even online dating services, like sugardaddie.com, that help young individuals find a mature person to pamper them. I'm in no way supporting this kind of relationship and am really surprised that this is still going on. I know this is a little over the top, but tell me, do you know anyone in a relationship like this?

If you're interested in hearing more, check out this video from FOX News when you read more.

Source

Do Tell: How Has Your Relationship Changed With Your Parents?

DearSugar — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 09:00:00 -0800

Since we can't choose our parents, we have to take their good with their bad. And just like with any other relationship, age, maturity, and time can affect the way we interact with them. I know the relationship I have with my parents has changed numerous times over the years, so do tell, how has yours evolved?

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