TresSugar

The Questions You Must Answer to Get a Spousal Green Card

Annie Scudder — Tue, 22 May 2012 11:40:02 PDT

Each year, almost 80,000 foreign spouses are awarded US green cards. The American government has determined that these couples are in bona fide relationships with the help of the "Stokes interview." Stokes refers to a federal court decision that ordered New York's immigration services to be more fair in deciding marriage green card cases. When officials have any suspicion that they're dealing with a sham marriage, they will interview the spouses separately, asking them questions about their personal life and relationship. The answers to these questions can't be memorized ahead of time, and officials will compare each spouse's answers afterward for discrepancies.

The New York Daily News recently looked into the city's "Stokes unit" and reported on some example questions. They include:

What restaurant do you and your husband usually order takeout from? Where do you keep the menus?
How did you celebrate New Year's Eve last year?
How much is your rent? Who writes the check?

One man, the paper reports, reported sleeping in the same bed with his wife every night, but didn't know that she had an oxygen tank next to the bed. Whoops. If an immigrant can avoid something like that and beat the system, after 10 years of citizenship, you're off free, thanks to the statute of limitations. Would you ever consider getting married for a green card?

"I Don't Want to Have an Arranged Marriage"

Tres Community — Sun, 20 May 2012 03:05:10 PDT

This week's confession comes from our anonymous Confession Booth group in the TrèsSugar Community. Weigh in with your advice below.

I'm a 23-year-old girl from a Sikh family where all girls in the house are traditionally married off through arranged marriage. I have been told to go and see a boy tomorrow, as my father's friend has insisted we go. I begged and pleaded to my mom that I do not want to go, as I don't believe in arranged marriages and I don't want my life as my sisters', but she didn't want to hear me and refused me to tell the boy no, as the family's "image" will get spoiled. I'm scared. I don't want to get married to some unknown man. I agreed we are just going to see the boy, but I don't want them to say yes. I'm still studying. I don't want this, and my sisters are too far to even help me. I'm so scared and I have no one to listen to me. I have no hope . . . I don't want this . . . please help.

There's lots of important stuff going on in our community. Join it, check it out, share your posts or advice in the great groups, and maybe we'll feature it here.

How Not to Destroy Your Marriage

The Good Men Project — Fri, 18 May 2012 12:30:42 PDT

We're happy to present this story from one of our favorite sites, The Good Men Project. Today, Mark Tyrrell offers eight relationship tools to make your marriage work.

"All marriages are happy. It's the living together afterward that causes all the trouble." - Raymond Hull

So how do you make your marriage work? Or do you just blindly hope it'll take care of itself?

Think of a hot, successful date with someone you’re attracted to. You have fun, great conversation and more sexual chemistry than a warehouse full of pheromones. You don’t have to “work at” the date because it’s self sustaining. It runs as smoothly as the gliding hand of a classical guitar maestro and you can’t wait for another rendition.

Teenage Dating in a Twilight-Hunger Games World

But marriage, or any long term relationship; well that’s a whole other caboodle.

If we’re not careful, marriage can deteriorate into little more than a torturous assault course; littered with routine boredoms, frustrations and resentments. Couple all that with external pressures and sometimes marriage feels not worth the effort. But there are major benefits to being hitched or committed, other than just a beneficial tax regime.

Healthy marriage; healthy people.

Being happily married bestows heaps of health benefits. You might be forgiven for thinking that if you’re married you don’t live longer it just seems like it but, no, a good marriage really can help you clock up more years (1) and married people are happier (2) even though they don’t always look it from the outside.

But when marriage doesn’t work it can feel being manacled to a maniac, marooned with a misogynist or nailed to a nag. And I don’t care what the studies say, that’s not healthy. You may hear couples say stuff like: “We are making our marriage work!” but how do we do this?

Making it work.

We pay lip service to “working on the marriage” but what is the work we need to do? Marriage vows such as “to love and to cherish” and “forsaking all others, for better or for worse” don’t really tell us how to make it work, although they give us a clue.

Fortunately a ton of research has been done on what to do and not do to make your marriage, or any intimate relationship work. Follow the guidelines here to become “good at marriage."

Tip one: Be romantic but keep it real.

We are all (force?) fed romance in movies and novels. The handsome man gets the beautiful woman. But what I wonder is what happens after our romantic couple ride off into the sunset together? What do they do exactly? Bicker? Moan at one another? Start to ignore each other?

After all that romance, our beautiful couple is bound to have massive expectations of their life together. But when rose tinted expectations clash with day to reality, watch out!

Romance is vital in any relationship. Always seeing the best in your partner helps to keep things intimate and love should be expressed. But if you have been raised on Mills and Boon Romance novels or feel-good movies, then your own romantic expectations can work against the sustainability of your long term relationship.

When day to day life fails to live up to the giddy, heady lust-filled days of the pre-settled down romance people can become angry, even blame one another: “This wasn’t what I signed up for." They find it hard to take the rough with the smooth because they never really figured there would be any rough.

Expectations not diluted with at least a dash of realism can be a royal road to relationship ruin. Your partner may be an angel, but they have feet of clay. You must learn to love those feet or at least accept them a bit!

Get the rest after the jump!

Changing Your Name: When and Where to Make the Shift

Laura Marie Given — Fri, 11 May 2012 03:05:36 PDT

Once you know - in a formal sense - how to change your name after marriage, it can be difficult to keep up with all the extra steps: who to tell, which documents to change, which groups you need to notify. To make things easier, we've come up with a short, simple list that you can reference postwedding. Not sure where to start? Here's what you need to consider:

When to Change Your Name

Your name can be changed only once you've received a certified marriage license with a raised, authentic seal.
For travel purposes, it's best to wait until after your honeymoon, because the name on your passport needs to match the name on your ticket and extra travel documents.

Who to Notify
In addition to changing your passport, drivers license, Social Security card, and other official documents, you also need to address the following:

Bank and credit card companies
Home utilities companies
Post office
Human resources department
Business cards
Leases, mortgages, or rental information
Insurance policies
Medical groups: Doctor, dentist, etc.
Professional associations and licenses
School records
Gym membership
Airlines and frequent flyer programs
Email address
Social media: Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, etc.
Personal or professional website
Magazine subscriptions

Don't forget to share the news with friends and family, too! Whether you're into a subtle announcement or something a bit more formal, here are seven ways to tell people that you changed your name.

Have you changed yours? Share any tips or suggestions in the comments below!

9 Love Lessons I've Learned In 10 Years Of Marriage

YourTango — Wed, 09 May 2012 02:00:36 PDT

We're happy to present this excerpt from one of our favorite sites, YourTango. Today, we have tips for a long-lasting, loving relationship.

As much as we all want to believe that once we find our true love, we'll live out our lives in blissful happiness, reveling in that loving feeling forever, reality is not quite like that. We tend to think that love is something that happens to us, instead of something that comes from us. The truth is that successful relationships take energy, effort and attention from both partners.

This year, I'll be celebrating my tenth anniversary with my husband, and while that's certainly not a record-breaking accomplishment, there are a few things I've learned along the way regarding keeping a relationship healthy, or at least from falling apart at the seams. Here they are:

Touch him. As human beings we all crave being touched. It gives us that sense of being connected to others, that sense of bonding. I'm not necessarily talking about sexual touching, but things like simply touching his forearm when you're talking to him, running your fingers gently through his hair or rubbing his ears lightly when you kiss him goodbye. A little bit of touch goes a long way, and in these hurried modern times, we can all use more than we're getting.
Compliment him. We're all naturally quick to point out our partner's flaws or things they did wrong or could do better, but why is it so hard to comment on what's great about him? Once we get used to each other, the great things become expected and taken for granted. Pick three things that he does really well, and the next time you see him doing one of them, give him a nice little compliment like, "You're so good at that, thank you for taking care of that for us." If you aim to give him one compliment every day it will begin to become natural and soon you'll find yourself doing it even more often. And you'll also find his annoying habits won't seem so bad.
Keep your dirty laundry in your house. If he's done something that really bothers you, and you feel the need to complain to your friends, co-workers, or your mom, bite your tongue as hard as you can. Words spoken in one ear have a tendency to make it to other ears very quickly, and these people will think less of your guy long after you've gotten over it. Mom and Dad are particularly good at holding grudges against the guy that hurt their daughter. If you need to complain, write it down in a journal instead of voicing it, or if you absolutely have to voice it to someone, tell it to your therapist or a relationship coach.
Be a winning team. Look at life's ups and downs as something that you're both in together. If you work together as a team, always looking out for the other, you'll be able to handle whatever comes at you. Just as the various members of a team have different talents, you and your partner have unique talents, so put them to work together to create greatness.
Take him at face value. Know that he is what he is and also know that he's not going to change. Then love him for what he is. Instead of looking at his bad habits as annoying, look at them as quirky traits that make him such a loveable guy. Write down three things that you absolutely love about him on an index card and keep it in your pocket at all times. Any time he annoys you, pull out the card and read each to yourself; you won't be able to stay mad. (If you can't come up with three things that you love about him then dump him and move on. I mean, seriously.)

For the rest of the article, head to YourTango: 9 Love Lessons I've Learned In 10 Years Of Marriage

Written by Jane Garapick for YourTango.

"Live-In Boyfriend Wants to Get Married in Our 40s!"

Tres Community — Mon, 07 May 2012 03:05:00 PDT

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

He's 26 and I'm 28. We've been living together for 4 years. Since day 1 I told him I wanted to get married by 30. He just told me he thinks it's something that people should do in their 40s, even 50s.

I really love him, I don't want to lose him, but to me it is very important to get married sooner bc I don't feel comfortable just living together with him. I don't know what to do, I think I'll never find someone like him if I lose him, but it is a big deal to me to just live together. He says he doesn't want to lose me either but he just don't want to do it yet.

Is this a deal breaker?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

Alison Brie Says Marriage Isn't For Her

Annie Scudder — Fri, 27 Apr 2012 10:45:44 PDT

Alison Brie, 29, who plays determined housewife Trudy Campbell on Mad Men and stars in the new movie The Five-Year Engagement, stopped by Chelsea Lately last night. The two seemed to have a lot in common, including being happily content not to walk down the aisle. Chelsea asked Alison what she thought about marriage, considering she has experience acting in movies about it. "So what's your take on marriage, are you into that?" Chelsea asked. "Not for me," Alison said with a laugh. Let's add Alison to the list of famous women who have alternative views of happily ever after - we know Chelsea's on that list, too. Watch Alison share her thoughts now.

"Should I Still Marry Him Even If He's Not My Best Friend?"

Tres Community — Wed, 25 Apr 2012 03:05:00 PDT

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I've been to many many weddings where the bride will always quote, "I'm so happy I'm marrying my best friend."

I am getting married in exactly 12 months, and I am having second thoughts. I've dated my best friend a couple of years ago. We dated for roughly 8 years and it was a bad breakup. We haven't really spoken since, but I always wonder "what if . . . " We were each other's first for everything, and it's extremely hard to forget him. Even after all these years apart.

I love my fiancé, and I can't see myself without him, but he's not my best friend! I feel like that's wrong, and he should be my best friend for me to marry him!

Have you married someone who is not your best friend?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

Famous Women With Alternative Views on Happily Ever After

Annie Scudder — Tue, 24 Apr 2012 08:00:00 PDT

Wedding season is in full force, but not all women are committed to the institution of marriage. With career success, friendships, travel, or other hobbies taking priority, many women don't have bridal on the brain. Or perhaps experience has helped some decide traditional relationships just won't work for them. Famous women often make headlines when they say "I don't" to marriage, kids, or other trappings of a conventional happily ever after. To balance out mainstream marriage mania, here are a few of the more articulate quotes from celebrities with alternative views on relationships.

Newly Engaged Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie on Their Love

Tara Block — Mon, 16 Apr 2012 13:00:00 PDT

Never-married no more! After seven years together, parents to six Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are engaged. Despite their big family and committed years together, we were all surprised that these two are making it official with a wedding - only because they themselves have denied the marriage rumors for so long. Ahead of the happy couple's impending nuptials, let's look back at what Brad and Angelina have said about marriage and their relationship over the years!