TresSugar

Love Across the US

DearSugar — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 07:30:00 -0800

Thanksgiving is a big travel time, and since many of you will be making the trek through states all across the US, I thought you'd like to learn some love statistics about those places. With help from Oprah.com, you'll learn some useless trivia that could actually be a great conversation starter during dinner! Enjoy.

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Hump Day: I Have Little Desire to Have Sex Anymore

TresSugar — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 04:00:00 -0800

Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's sex advice column. Are you confused about sex? Do you have trouble having an orgasm? Is there something you'd like to try but you're worried it's too weird? Send your questions to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!

Today's Question:

“When my husband and I first got married, I was so in love with him that we had sex what (for me) seemed like a lot (a few times a week). But now, three years into it, I feel like my baseline libido, which never was much in the first place, has flatlined. I simply have no interest in sex mentally or physically. My husband keeps asking me if there’s someone else, but in reality, I don’t want sex at all - with anyone. I’m worried he’s going to leave me, this is causing so many problems between us. Any advice?”

To see the answer, read more

It’s pretty common for sexual frequency for couples to lessen after a couple of years. It’s not always just the stereotypical “things are becoming routine” situation. Shifts in hormones can occur as time goes by and those shifts can affect sexual desire. Lots of people have a low interest in sex for any of a number of reasons. It’s not necessarily a sign of any kind of problem and if that has been your pattern for a long time; that may be simply how your sexuality is.

Do you consider your lack of interest in sex a problem? If you do, you might want to see if there are any medical issues causing it. You could have low testosterone for example. While we generally only think of it as a male hormone, women also have some testosterone in their systems and it’s often related to interest in sex. Sexual desire is quite complex and sometimes, the answers aren’t as easy as that, but it could be worth exploring.

Whether you think that your low desire is a problem or not, it sounds like your concerns center on how you and your husband talk about it and what his and your expectations are. Differences in desire can be one of the more tricky relationship challenges and almost all couples face it at some point or another. When you consider how much we (as a culture) equate sexual desire with relationship health, it’s no wonder that many of us feel a lot of pressure around it.

While I would NEVER suggest to anyone that they engage in sex that they don’t want, the two of you might want to explore other ways to connect physically. After all, it doesn’t have to be sex or intercourse. For example, would it work if you gave him backrubs? What if he masturbated while you help him or ran your hands across him? And are there ways that you would like to receive physical contact? As another possibility, are there ways in which the two of you could make room for him to get his sexual needs met, such as giving him solo time at home for some self-pleasure?

Whether you find your low desire a problem or not, you could also find a sex-positive therapist. One of the most helpful things that a therapist can offer is tools for talking about tricky topics and a safe space to do it in. Plus, sometimes an outside perspective can be really helpful. There are plenty of great people who know about sexuality issues and lots of them can be found on the website for the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists. Anyone in their directory has passed a rigorous certification process, which gives them the foundation to be as helpful with sexuality topics as possible.

Ultimately, the best advice I can offer you is to be honest with each other about what’s going on for you and how you each feel about it. With that as the foundation, the two of you can start looking for new ways to be together that work for both of you.

Smart B*tches, Trashy Books Unravel Romance Novels

TresSugar — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 11:00:00 -0700

Sarah Wendell and Candy Tan have helped romance readers discern the good smut from the bad for years with their blog Smart B*tches, Trashy Books. And now with their book Beyond Heaving Bosoms: The Smart Bitches’ Guide to Romance Novels, they offer a guide through the heady world of the $5.99 novel and defend it with wit and intelligence.

So we asked these two smart readers about romance novels, and oh how they talked. So much, that we're breaking all their thoughtful answers into a five-part series. What's up first? Who reads these glossy books?

One out of five people read romance novels - who are these people?

Sarah: The truth is, behind the stereotypes, smart, savvy women read romance. It's a 60+-year-old industry of women operating independent businesses writing books consumed by an audience of women who spend $1.7 billion dollars a year. Two romance readers may have absolutely nothing in common except for the books they read, because romance readers are an incredibly diverse audience - no group of readers that supports a billion-dollar industry can be homogeneous. We're found across all ages, education levels, income levels, geographic locations and reading habits - and we all love romance novels.

Candy: The demographics for romance novel readers are all over the place, though there are strong trends. They overwhelmingly tend to be women, for example. They also tend to be voracious readers, period, and to be more highly-educated than the population at large. Other than that, it's hard to generalize.

You say, actually five out of five people read romance novels, what are some romances in disguise we've probably read? To see their answers, read more.

Sarah: Every fictional narrative contains a romance element. Where would Bond be without the sexual tension? What horror thriller in general doesn't contain the romantic suspense to support the plot? Romance is one of the oldest narrative traditions, so it's everywhere.

There are few readers more diverse in their tastes than the women and men who read my site, so I asked them. From the readers of Smart B*tches, here are romances you might not have recognized:

Lois McMaster Bujold's books, like the Miles Vorkosigan series, especially A Civil Campaign; Patricia Gaffney's Mad Dash; Diana Gabaldon's Outlander series; William Brinkley's The Last Ship; Jean Auel's Earth's Children series; many of Philippa Gregory's historical novels; Lauren Willig's Pink Carnation series; and many of the novels you read in English class, including, and especially, Jane Austen - Pride and Prejudice is one of the best romances ever written.

Candy: Sarah's right about romance being an element to a lot of fiction and storytelling, but the modern romance genre is its own beast with a long, tangled past. If you've read Jane Eyre or Pride and Prejudice, you've read books that would qualify as romances if published today. A lot of the sturm und drang (storm and stress) of certain romance subgenres owe a debt to books like Wuthering Heights, for example.

Here's the thing: the plot set-up and conflict dictates the genre the book's most likely to be slapped with. Speculation involving science and technology? Sci-fi. Mystery or conundrum that needs to be solved? Mystery. Mystical other worlds involving magic? Fantasy., etc. And there's considerable bleed-through among the different genres: it's perfectly possible for a book to be both a science-fiction novel and a murder mystery. But what drives the emotional conflict? If it's romantic love, odds are high you're reading a romance novel. Sharon Shinn and Catherine Asaro have written plenty of novels in which the central driving emotional conflict was a romantic entanglement, even though the plot setting was science fiction.

Stay tuned tomorrow to read about what romance novels tell us about women, relationships, society.

Polygamist Leader Calls His Arrest Religious Prosecution

LibertySugar — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 09:30:06 -0800

The leader of a polygamous community in Canada says authorities are engaging in religious persecution by charging him with practicing polygamy.

Winston Blackmore claims there are tens of thousands of polygamists across Canada, but that his religious sect is being targeted and authorities are disregarding his right to religious freedom. He told the media: "This is not about polygamy, to us this is about religious persecution.

Authorities arrested both Blackmore, 52, and another man with polygamous factions in British Columbia. Blackmore is charged with marrying 20 women (that's a lot more than anyone on Big Love!) and Oler is accused of marrying two women. The case will be the first test of Canada's polygamy laws.

Photo courtesy of HBO

Elevation Revelation: Science Behind Obama's Hope Revealed

CitizenSugar — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 13:30:00 -0800

Ohh, 'bama. America fell in love with your smile, your smarts, your wife, and your story. And what a story you tell! Some call it high-flying rhetoric, which it is. But that implies style without substance; emotion without logic; dip without chips, which it is not. I hope anyway!

Speaking of hope, I knew it wouldn't be long before science explained why Oprah cried on a perfect stranger's shoulder and sincerity killed irony in unmarked warehouse neighborhoods across the country. It's called elevation. Jonathan Haidt, a psychologist at the University of Virginia, coined the term and explained it to Slate. He said:

Powerful moments of elevation sometimes seem to push a mental 'reset button,' wiping out feelings of cynicism and replacing them with feelings of hope, love, and optimism, and a sense of moral inspiration.

While another person's "moral beauty" may make us want to be a better people, Haidt's research shows it's a rather useless catalyst for action. But hope's not lost! Yet. Elevation changes people cognitively and opens minds to new possibilities. "This," Haidt said, "will be crucial for Obama."

Sounds like Obama will have to move quickly before his window of hope is shut?

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I Like You! America's New Self-Image

CitizenSugar — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 14:30:46 -0800

If you've meandered through Europe with a Canadian flag on your backpack, it's time to switch it up. With the US's improving image, it's suddenly cool to be American again - both at home and abroad.

First off, the US is making new friends. "Yes we can, be friends," proclaimed a German newspaper across its front page, "We have fallen in love with the new, the different, the good America."

US citizens abroad are receiving more friendly gestures and kind words for being nothing other than their American selves. This newfound goodwill isn't just improving America's international image, but also its sense of self at home. For more on unlikely patriots coming out in the bluest of places, read more.

Nowhere is this more evident - OK, hopefully somewhere - than at a spontaneous election-night celebration on the streets of a hipster safe haven in Brooklyn, where American flags waved without a hint of irony. If these ~~kids~~ 30-year-olds are willing to get handcuffed for their country, then I would say change truly has arrived.

Does it anger you to see people be proud on a part-time basis? Or is it good to see excitement where there was once apathy?

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Are You a 52 With a Message For the 48s?

Molly — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 14:30:44 -0800

Now that the brutal - in both length and ferocity - election season is over, it's time to mend some broken fences. While making up with friends and family wasn't what you were most excited for post-election, there already seems to be less tension in the air and fewer heated political arguments during casual conversation. There's nothing wrong with a little healthy debate amongst friends, but there's also something to be said for putting any name-calling behind us.

Now, there's a website to do just that. From 52 to 48 With Love is a collection of photos and notes sent in by readers with the message that whomever you voted for, we are all Americans, and the only way this nation is going to get back on the right path is if we all work together. Sure, it's a little cheesy, but mostly it's heart-warming and funny to see Americans from all walks of life put forth the same message of unity. Do you have something you want to say to your friends across the aisle?

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You Asked: We Broke Up, Now Things Are Better Than Ever

DearSugar — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My old boyfriend from five years ago and I began speaking again a year ago, after both of us got out of really unhealthy relationships. At the time he was living across the country, but we developed a relationship and he decided to move back. At first our relationship was a dream. He was considerate, caring, sensitive, and treated me very well. Soon after he moved back, he also started working long hours while attending school, and our relationship became strained. He's always had a bad temper, but I began seeing more of it. We would rarely have sex, and he would often seem distant. Although he was apologetic when it was brought up, he would never really change his behavior.

Last week, after one particularly bad weekend, I felt I had no other choice but to end the relationship. The next day we talked and both agreed that it just wasn't working. He apologized sincerely for the way he had been treating me and described just how tired and stressed he's been. The night we had this talk was honestly one of the most special nights we have ever had, even though we were ending things. We made love and it was better then it had ever been before. He's called me every day since and it seems like he's turned back into the guy I used to know.

I only broke up because I felt I had no choice due to the way I was being treated, but now that things are so good, I want to get back together. Are we building our relationship again? And if so, should I demand to know where he stands? Or is that jumping the gun?

- Together or Not Taylor

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Together or Not Taylor,

It seems to me that your relationship feels so great right now because it's not in a relationship at all. I'd guess that a lot of the stress your boyfriend was dealing with was stemming from the pressures of your relationship, and now that you've broken up, a weight has been lifted, and your boyfriend is able to be himself.

Of course, it's normal that outside stress puts strain on a relationship, but in your boyfriend's case, his behavior sounds over the top. You need to talk to him and find out what he's thinking before you find yourself counting on a relationship that he's not able to give you. And before you two head down the road of reconciliation, I highly recommend you figure out how to successfully work through the difficult times. A bad temper that flairs every time life gets tough is a debilitating issue for any relationship, and it's something your boyfriend is going to have to want to change. Definitely open up communication sooner rather than later so you can either start moving on or work together to move forward.

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Growing Old With a Good Friend

DearSugar — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 08:00:00 -0700

Even if you aren't afraid of getting older - it is, after all, an inevitable fact of life - it can be scary to think that you might grow old alone. I used to say that if I were single in my golden years, I'd want to have one of my good girlfriends by my side. We could reminisce about the good ol' times, complain about the kids these days, and sip cocktails out of coconuts. Better yet, we could take care of each other in our old age. As it turns out, some female friends are doing just that, and then some.

Yesterday I came across this post on the New York Times's The New Old Age blog, about single women who have set up joint housekeeping and medical care agreements, so they know someone is looking out for them even if they don't have husbands or children as caretakers. For the details, read more.

Despite the fact that mere friendships aren't afforded legal status in this country, some friends are formalizing their love for each other with unique arrangements. Explains author Jane Gross:

Another friend, Ann, shares my fantasy of setting up joint housekeeping, assuming she outlives her husband. Our thinking goes something like this: If one of us can see and the other hear, if one of us is mobile and the other cognitively intact, we'll muddle through as long as we can and then pool our insurance premiums to hire home care. We'd prefer to use the benefit for a masseuse and a manicurist but know it would be a hard sell to persuade MetLife that those were the kinds of "activities of daily living" our policies cover.

I’ve written before about pairs or small groups of unrelated women who are already doing this, some even constructing houses designed for their old age. But these arrangements, however cozy and comforting, exist outside the law, since friendship remains, and likely will always remain, an unsanctioned relationship with none of the legal rights granted to parents, children, spouses and, in some locations, domestic partners.

As Gross points out, caring for friends in their old age may only be an option for people who are financially independent, since paid time off for caretaking wouldn't apply. But if you had a retirement cushion that allowed you to enter into such an arrangement, it could be a lovely way to live out your golden years. What do you think? Would you ever consider something like this?

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Exclusive! We Talk to SF Mayor, Mastermind of Gay Marriage

CitizenSugar — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 09:00:12 -0700

Last night at the San Francisco premiere of the short movie The Butler's in Love (directed by David Arquette) Pop shimmied up to Gavin Newsom, mayor of San Francisco and instrumental force in the brand new rights for all to marry in the state of California, and popped a couple of questions of our own.

Since we've been closely following the burst of new weddings, we had to ask the political trailblazer:

What’s next after the gay marriage victory?

The biggest most important thing is to defeat the initiative this November. It is absolutely critical we not allow this extraordinary moment in time where the Supreme Court has stepped up and adjudicated that the Constitution did not allow us to discriminate against same-sex couples for the public to then just a few months later write discrimination into the Constitution - so that’s the most important thing then, is to defeat it. And then to continue our efforts to expand rights and to expand opportunities for everyone regardless of their race, ethnicity, or their gender, or their sexual orientation and then to continue to build upon these efforts and to continue to address the issues of racial injustice and gender injustice that continue to this day - so there’s still a lot of work to be done.

Newsom supported Hillary Clinton during her campaign - now that Obama's the candidate, we asked the big unity question. To find out what he had to say, read more.

As a former Hillary supporter, do you think the Democratic party can unite behind Barack Obama?

I was just with him two days ago in Miami - wildly enthusiastic. . . Look, at the end of the day we’re going to be united, at the end of the day there's no question in my mind that Barack Obama will be the next president of the United States and there’s no question that the overwhelming majority of Hilary Clinton supporters will enthusiastically support Barack Obama. There is so much at stake and one of the most important things at stake is the next US Supreme Court - and if people care about the issue of choice, particularly women that say, ‘Well I just loved Hillary and what she represented and I’m just not ready to support Barack’ – just think about the alternative and think about the constitutional consequences of having a Supreme Court with all but one or two judges appointed by conservative Republican presidents, and the impact that will have on a generation. I mean beyond any other issue that should be an issue that should drive those that are unsure - particularly women - to the polls enthusiastically in support of Barack Obama. And let's just dispense with the issue of the war and the economy, education and health care and the environment - all fundamental issues to our party - that we have a real champion, and someone we can be proud of to support and endorse and again, I was one of her national co-chairs, I traveled across the country for Hillary Clinton. I appreciate her, and I admire her, and I can say as a Clinton supporter and I am an enthusiastic Barack Obama supporter and if I can come on this easily and readily as I have, still maintaining my admiration for Hillary Clinton I think so many others certainly can and I hope and expect they will.

He's definitely young, but . . . do you think he could be a contender in the Democratic Veepstakes? Obama/Newsom '08? It could be a wildly welcome change - in scenery at the very least - and maybe what the White House needs? What do you think?

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