TresSugar

You Asked: I Want Marriage, He Doesn't

DearSugar — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 12:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have been in a relationship for about seven years, and we've lived together for nearly four. I have been trying to talk to my partner about getting married, but he just doesn't want to go that route. We each have our own children from previous relationships, as well as two that are ours together. I finally feel ready to settle down and get married, but he doesn't even see that as an option. We have both been married before; he is 39, and I am 31. This is the longest relationship I have ever been in, and I love this man more than I have ever loved anyone.

I just don't know if I am selling myself short. Don't I deserve a wedding to the man I want to spend the rest of my life with? Or should I just accept the fact that he doesn't think we need to get married and keep everything the way it is? I have been losing a lot of sleep on this one and feel as if I'm not as good as his exes. What do I do?

- Ready to Settle Down Sasha

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Ready to Settle Down Sasha,

This is not a matter of what you deserve; it's about what you want. If you want to be married, and your boyfriend doesn't, that's a big problem. Although the idea of acceptance sounds nice, actually doing it is very challenging, which is why you're dealing with this dilemma in the first place. You need to decide if marriage is something you can live without while still being happy in your relationship.

But before you make that decision, it's important to realize that it should have absolutely nothing to do with his exes. This is about you, him, and your family together; he's not with his exes, he's with you, and that should speak volumes about how much you matter to him. Your feelings about marriage and staying with your partner should not come from a place of insecurity, because those kinds of concerns are unlikely to go away just because you've had a wedding. Talk to your boyfriend. Find out where he's coming from, and then use that information to determine the right path for you and your children.

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Can You Be Too Intimate?

DearSugar — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 09:00:00 -0700

Intimacy is a relationship necessity, but is there such a thing as too much intimacy? This is something I consistently debate with my girlfriends, which is why I was so glad to see it broached by Jake of Married Jake, one of Glamour's love and sex blogs.

Jake was confounded when his new wife asked him not to pee in front of her anymore. Her rationale is that now that they're in it for the long haul, they need to actually try and maintain the mystery. Certainly, the longevity of a serious relationship can allow people to get too comfortable, but once you've hit a certain level of intimacy, I'm not sure it's possible to just go back.

Instead, I'd recommend embracing your established level of familiarity but throw in an element of surprise. Develop that closeness in a new context - go on a trip or try playing out a sexual fantasy. I suppose this means I'm all for intimacy - though of course I think privacy, personal space, and alone time are important too - but what do you all think? Like Jake's wife thinks, is it possible to be too intimate? And if so, how do you maintain the mystery?

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Money Matters, But More Than Love?

DearSugar — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 14:00:00 -0700

Yesterday, the Business section of the New York Times had an article addressing the significance of financial compatibility in marriage, likening its seriousness in making or breaking a marriage to that of sex and children. And, of course, it has me thinking about what it takes to make a successful long-term partnership beyond love. The article notes:

Marrying for love is a relatively recent phenomenon. For centuries, marriages were arranged affairs, aligning families for economic or political purposes or simply pooling the resources of those scraping by. Today, while most of us marry for romantic reasons, marriage at its core is still a financial union.

I know we're all grateful that we live in a time when love is valued, so it's somewhat disconcerting to think of a life-long partnership in business-related terms, like "financial union." If you're in love, it can be difficult to separate your intense emotions from the practicalities that go into making something work for the long haul, but sometimes you have to - financial strain can be a huge burden.

What do you think? Are you good at considering your relationships from a more pragmatic point of view? And if so, which elements of compatibility matter most to you outside of a shared love?

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Relationship Protocol: Have You Talked About Marriage?

DearSugar — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 15:00:00 -0700

If a relationship lasts long enough, it's natural for thoughts about the long-term future to arise. And figuring out if you and your significant other are on the same wavelength can help you determine whether or not your relationship should continue.

But while considering the future is common, and often important, there's still something inherently scary and exciting when having a talk about marriage for the first time. That's probably why many people jump right into it and others tend to hold off. So tell me, have you talked about marriage or the possibility of it with your boyfriend yet? And, if so, how long did you wait before bringing it up?

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Where Do You Stand? Online Dating

DearSugar — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 15:00:00 -0700

I’m a huge supporter of online dating - heck, I’m fan of anything that gets two compatible people in contact with one another - but I’ve always thought of it more as a tool that’s used when a person is ready to settle down, and less for casual dating (unless of course, that’s the kind of site that you’re browsing).

Most people I know who have had success with online dating were done with fleeting relationships and wanted to establish something with someone looking for the same level of longevity and stability. If you were ready to settle down, but hadn't met anyone yet, would you give it a try? Or do you think of it as just another way to meet people, like going to a bar? When it comes to giving online dating a try, where do you stand?

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Group Therapy: Is Companionship Enough?

Mon, 07 Jul 2008 03:00:00 -0700

I've been with my boyfriend for nearly nine years. He is the most amazing person - it's almost the perfect relationship. However, our sex life is really missing something. We're not celibate, it's just that he has a very low sex drive. In fact we haven't had sex in three months even though we share a bed.

We've had this problem in the past, and though we try to deal with it, eventually we just lapse into the same routine. I'm losing interest in fighting these same battles over and over again. I've questioned many times in the past whether it's worth staying if nothing is ever really fixed. I've always decided that I'm better off staying in it for the companionship, because I'm sure I couldn't find a better guy. But it's getting harder and harder to make this decision to stay with him.

I know that relationships are hard work, but I don't want to be old and resentful of my boyfriend because there's no physical attraction. He compensates in other ways, but I've already noticed myself getting resentful. Has anyone else ever been in a similar situation? When do you walk away?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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Relationship Protocol: Exclusivity or "The Talk"

DearSugar — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 15:00:00 -0700

So often I hear people refer to having the “the talk” in a new relationship to determine where the relationship is headed. Deciding to be in a committed, exclusive relationship is a big deal for many couples as they quickly move from single to taken. Even still I’ve always held onto the romantic notion that the exclusivity talk isn't always necessary; instead, a relationship can grow gradually, until you know he’s not seeing anyone else because he’s always with you!

On the other hand, making something official removes opportunity for confusion (or seeing other people), so in that context I can understand the desire to have “the talk.” In your own relationships, have you found a discussion about whether or not you’re exclusively together to be necessary? Or like me, do you prefer just to see what your relationship grows into?

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Do Tell: What Do You Consider a Long-Term Relationship?

DearSugar — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 15:00:00 -0700

When a relationship is serious, it’s common to define it as long term in order to qualify its significance. But what does long term really mean? Chitchatting with some girlfriends the other night, I realized that we all had a different length of time that qualified as long term in our books. For some of them it was only a few months, but one was a stickler for length - she said two years! So what about you? Do tell, how much time has to pass before you consider a relationship to be long term? Or does it have more to do with the seriousness than any set amount of time?

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Do Tell: What Does Commitment Look Like?

DearSugar — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 07:00:00 -0700

Yesterday Reuters reported on a study, showing that men and women can tell whether a member of the opposite sex is interested in long-term commitment or a fling simply by looking at them. The article notes:

Women found men with softer features more likely to opt for commitment . . . the research also showed that women who were open to short-term sexual relationships were usually seen as more attractive.

It seems that this perception is based on human instincts and the desire to mate; however, it got me wondering why people continually fall for someone who's not interested in the same level of commitment. If we can tell what a man wants just by looking at him, then how come so many of us keep going for the ones that are all wrong for us? Then again, do you really think you can see a guy across the room and, without even talking to him, know what kind of relationship he's looking for? Weigh in and tell me what you think!

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Group Therapy: I've Lost the Butterflies in the Stomach Feeling

Mon, 25 Feb 2008 16:00:00 -0800

My boyfriend and I have been together for two and a half years. I still have two years left of college and he is running his own company, so he is very busy. While I can't imagine my life without him in it, all we do is fight. He never picks the fights either; sadly, I have to admit that it's all me. I don't know why I instigate the fights - maybe out of boredom?

We only get to see each other on the weekends, and we're usually happy and fine, but during the week I feel like we have nothing to talk about. Every phone conversation is painful, and I get so mad. I have said so many hurtful things to him, like telling him I don't like him anymore and that I will never feel the same way as I used to. I regret saying these things afterwards, but then I do it again several weeks later.

I feel miserable, and I take a lot of my anger and stress from school out on him. I know it's not fair at all. He is the most patient, selfless person and loves me despite my mood swings and horrible behavior. Have I said too many hurtful things to have a healthy relationship or is there still hope that I can be as happy and full of butterflies as I used to be?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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