TresSugar

Group Therapy: How Can I Make Our First Holiday Alone Enjoyable?

Mon, 22 Dec 2008 04:00:00 -0800

This is me and my boyfriend's first holiday season alone, without our families. Both of our families live in different states so we are pretty far away from everyone. I've felt upset this entire holiday season even though I have a wonderful boyfriend - I just really wish I could eat my mom's home cooking and see my brother and sister.

I'm trying to make this Christmas enjoyable for us, but I don't know how. I suggested something casual, like ordering in pizza and watching Christmas movies together, but it just doesn't seem special enough and he's not suggesting other alternatives.

I don't know what I'm asking here, I just want to know what you think is a good idea for a couple who has never spent the holidays apart from their families before, and for someone who is utterly depressed about it.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be read more GROUP THERAPY, click here or submit your own question here.]
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You Asked: When Will This Loneliness Go Away?

DearSugar — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I am really struggling with my emotions at this moment in life. I just moved 1,000 miles away from home in order to attend a great school, but I'm miserable. I haven't made many friends if any, and most of my time is spent in my dorm room alone. I know this isn't good, I should go to clubs and hang around campus to meet people, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I am very stressed and contemplating moving back home. My parents swear the problem is being away from my boyfriend - we have been together for about two years - but he wouldn't be in my hometown anyway, he's living away from home too.

In my hometown, I was involved in many community things and had a job that gave me great experience for my future career plans. But at college, everything big happens on campus; this is a small town, and I am a big-city girl. I don't know what to do. Any advice? - Homesick Sandra

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Homesick Sandra,

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this, but I can tell you honestly that I felt the exact same way when I first went away to school across the country from my family and friends. I was terribly lonely and hesitant to put myself out there, but after realizing that keeping to myself was only making matters worse, I changed my tune, made an effort to meet people, and ended up having a great college experience. Making new friends can be difficult, but luckily in a college setting, everyone is in the same boat as you are. Before calling it quits, make sure you've exhausted all your possibilities first.

Instead of going straight to your room after class, head to the campus coffee shop and read or study there. Hit the gym or join a campus club. Spark up conversation with the person you sit next to in class; at least you'll have something to talk abut! Your dorm floor is how most people make their first friends in college, so chat up the person next to you at the sink or hang out in the hallway when you hear people talking. And last but not least, get involved on campus. You say you were involved in many community things back home, so why not do the same now?

Getting accustomed to a new environment takes time. Try to be a little more patient and I'm sure once everyone settles into their new surroundings, friendships will be made left and right. Hang in there and good luck!

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Group Therapy: Friendless and Frustrated

Mon, 17 Dec 2007 14:00:00 -0800

I am a senior in college and I have found myself with very few friends. I was friends with a group of people for a couple of years, but realized they weren't the type of people I wanted to associate myself with. I broke away from them and have since had trouble finding new friends. I used to consider myself outgoing and somewhat of a social butterfly, but since I'm so late in the friend-finding game, I feel clueless. I am graduating in May and will probably not be staying in this area. Should I take the time and effort to make new friends for the few months that I will be here or should I just rely on my friends from home until I move and have a chance to make new friends in a different area? Also, how do I go about making new girlfriends!? I'm lost.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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Group Therapy: I'm Socially Awkward, Help!

Sat, 20 Oct 2007 10:00:00 -0700

I've always been very socially uncomfortable in larger groups. In 3 or less I am delightful, witty, hilarious, and warm. But as soon as it gets much more than 3 people I clam up. I smile and try to keep my face friendly, but I'm so stiff, and can never think of anything to say. Often at parties I'll just end up sitting in a quiet corner pleasantly watching people chatter. As the night wears on I may even pick up a random book I find at the party or sketch on a napkin. The terrible part is when I do find someone to talk to, invariably people start gravitating towards the laughter until I'm outnumbered again and edge out.

This social awkwardness has also made it very hard to meet new people and, in turn, make new friends. I've just moved to San Francisco and I don't know anyone, and I'm not sure how adults make friends, especially in a city where everyone's iPodded or on their cellphones. Does anyone else have this problem? What can I do about it? I'm sick of being on the outside looking in!

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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Group Therapy: Alone

Fri, 17 Aug 2007 14:00:00 -0700

I've been feeling really depressed lately. It's been off - some days I'm quite happy, but others I feel like I can't sink any lower. I've been crying quite a bit for the past year... a lot more than normal. Of course, several events have triggered this, one big one in particular, but I feel like things have just escalated from there. I lost a really close friend because she was unable to deal with a new relationship that I had just started. It came as a complete surprise to me. One day she just stopped talking to me. I think it grew worse because we became mutually resentful with each other. Before that, we had been nearly joined at the hip. I became closer to another friend by confiding in her, but she eventually became closer to the friend I had lost, and now, I feel betrayed and alone. My boyfriend was with me through all of this, but it has put a strain on our relationship. I became increasingly more dependent on him and depressing to be around sometimes. He had the job of comforting me when I felt my worst. He grew sick of that, though and thinks I should be over everything by now and move on. It's so hard to move on, though, especially when these people are still in my life (mutual friends), and it's very hard to form new friendships when I've built up all these trust issues. I feel very insecure now... I'm convinced whenever I meet someone new that they won't like me based on past experience, and I don't like barging in on existing close friendships. I'm going into my last year of university feeling very much alone and isolated. It will be very hard to make new friends when everyone my age or year as pretty much formed their groups or cliques. I've tried looking into clubs, but there doesn't seem to be any that I would be interested in joining. I also want to focus on doing well in school, but I've found my unhappiness to be very distracting sometimes... What should I do? I'm afraid if this continues, my relationship with my boyfriend will also end, and he means a lot to me. We've being fighting a bit more lately and have even discussed the status of our relationship, but we decided to keep going for a bit and see where it takes us. I would really feel alone if I didn't have some sort of support in my life.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

Eligible Bachelor Du Jour

GiggleSugar — Tue, 17 Jul 2007 09:30:00 -0700

You Decide: Is this a modern drunk marvel -or- an elaborate cry for help?

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Lonely Planet Releases List of Top 10 World Cities

CitizenSugar — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 07:53:20 -0700

If you're dying to get out of Dodge, you're in luck. The Lonely Planet series of travel guides has just released its list of Top 10 World Cities. One entry is causing a few raised eyebrows - including mine. Glasgow, Scotland has made its way onto the list despite its not-too-distant reputation for rough neighborhoods, gangs, and general dereliction. When I went looking for photos, indeed most of them told that story.

The guide paints a rosier picture of a city resurrected. It says: "Forget castles, kilts, bagpipes and tartan. You come for the cocktails, cuisine and designer chic (plus the legendary native wit). Glasgow has shaken off its shroud of industrial soot and shimmied into a sparkling new designer gown."

The Lonely Planet travel editor seconds that notion saying, "The time has come for Lonely Planet to let one of its worst-kept secrets out: Glasgow's got everything. We're delighted to highlight such a fun, stylish city." While some say celebration is too soon in a city "more violent than New York and sicker than parts of Iraq," we can hope that the Planet folks have their finger on the pulse of a trend of improvement.

To see the rest of the cities that made the list, read more.

Antwerp
Beirut
Chicago
Glasgow
Lisbon
Mexico City
Sao Paulo, Brazil
Shanghai
Warsaw
Zurich

If the travel fairy bestowed you with a magical round-trip ticket, would you head to any of these cities?

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Product of the Day: Lonely Woman Pillow

GiggleSugar — Fri, 17 Nov 2006 00:02:00 -0800

If you were feeling lonely before you got this pillow in the form of a man's arm, shoulder and part-torso, you might feel downright suicidal afterward. If single, why not try on-line dating, or my favorite remedy: eating nachos? You may gain weight, but you won't lose every shred of dignity. (Lest you feel that a message is being sent that only women are lonely, notice there's a Lonely Man pillow, too). I love that these come in different "business man shirt" colors: cornflower, pink, and wasabi green. Hey, beggars CAN be choosers!

Guidebook Writer Says He Never Visited Countries

LibertySugar — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 06:00:49 -0700

Apparently it isn't essential that a guidebook writer actually visit the country he writes about. A Lonely Planet author is claiming that he made up large portions of his books, and dealt drugs to subsidize his measly salary. Think twice before going to the titles on Brazil, Colombia, the Caribbean, Venezuela, Chile, and South America, for some first-hand advice.

These damning revelations came out in the writer's, Thomas Kohnstamm, new book Do Travel Writers Go to Hell? He says that he wrote about Colombia without visiting the country because they didn't pay him enough to go to Colombia. He says: "I wrote the book in San Francisco. I got the information from a chick I was dating - an intern in the Colombian Consulate."

This guy has the coolest job ever - traveling around the world and writing about it- and he does the arguably hard part while, ditching the fun of seeing the world. I know he's not making a lot of money, but he accepted the job knowing how much he was going to make. Do you think phony travel writers, like Kohnstamm, should go to hell?

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Someone Cared! Woman Called 911 in Richmond Rape Case

TresSugar — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 11:22:01 -0800

Margarita Vargas, an 18-year-old woman from Richmond, CA (and a graduate of Richmond High) was the lone person who called 911 on the night a teenager was gang raped outside her high school while a homecoming party was still going on. It's alleged that at least 20 people watched and did nothing. Vargas says that her brother-in-law came home and told her he'd seen a woman being raped; it was Vargas who insisted they call the police.

It might seem pretty sad that we're applauding Vargas for doing what people should do, as she said, "without thinking twice," but you'd be surprised how often people are apathetic. So many people are saying, "What do you expect of Richmond?" but I can say, as someone who was grabbed on the streets of San Francisco in broad daylight and ignored when I asked for help - apathy happens everywhere, in all communities. (Just read about the bystander effect.)

Many years ago, I was walking down a busy street in a popular business district in a "good neighborhood" and a man grabbed me inappropriately. I had just bought coffee, so instinctively, I poured it in his face and grabbed onto him, hoping to get him arrested. As I grappled with him, trying to make eye contact with people walking by, riding by on their bikes, driving by, and yelling, "Someone help! This man attacked me!" no one did anything. Eventually, I couldn't hold the man any longer, and he got away, perhaps to assault someone else later. Helping out is rarer than you think, so kudos to Margarita, who even walked over to the school to make sure the police had arrived.