TresSugar

You Asked: His Libido Is Too Much For Me!

DearSugar — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 12:30:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend loves giving me oral sex. It's gotten to the point where he's like obsessed with it, and while I love him and thoroughly enjoy being intimate with him, I don't want oral sex everyday of my life! He actually got mad at me once because I told him no - I just wasn't in the mood for anything sexual - and he pouted the entire night. How do I make him understand that it's not just about what he wants without hurting his feelings or giving him the wrong impression? - Not on the Same Page Penny

To see DearSugar's answer read more.

Dear Not on the Same Page Penny,

While some women complain that they don't get enough sex, I hear you when you say that oral sex everyday is just a bit much! Clearly you two need to communicate your needs and desires because it sounds like you're on two different pages here. Sex is a great way to deepen your connection and share love with one another, but there are many other ways to experience that same kind of connectedness.

Talking about sex can be very intimating so be mindful of how you approach the subject. Make sure to touch upon the positives, reiterate how you feel about him, but also explain your desire to make sex special, not just something to cross off your daily checklist. Hopefully after a good heart to heart, you'll be able to set some new boundaries so you both can be happy and sexually satisfied. Good luck!

Source

Why Does the Pill Decrease Your Sex Drive?

DearSugar — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 15:00:00 -0800

Last week I asked how you felt about taking hormonal birth control, and the majority of you responded overwhelmingly that you're all for it. Even with the annoying side effects like moodiness, breast tenderness, and occasional weight gain, you thought that the near-perfect effectiveness when it comes to pregnancy prevention was worth it.

For many women though, taking hormones to control the cycle can affect your libido. To find out why, just read more.

Many women complain of sexual side effects while on the pill. This is because the pill has the ability to decrease the frequency of some women's sexual thoughts, and the hormones can make it more difficult for her to get aroused. It can also decrease natural lubrication, so if she does have sex, it can be painful. Some studies even say that these effects can last for months after a woman stops taking the pill.

The reason this happens may have to do with the drug's effect on a woman's testosterone levels, which is thought to help drive her desire. The hormones block testosterone production in the ovaries and increase the production of the protein that attaches to testosterone to make it inactive.

This isn't always the case, and some women may actually experience an increase in sex drive. Different hormones affect each woman differently, so if one pill isn't working for you, it may take some trial and error to find one that does. Some women may also benefit from switching to a different form of hormonal birth control such as the NuvaRing or the patch. So if you're experiencing a lull in the bedroom and you suspect it's from your birth control, make an appointment with your gyno to discuss other options because hey, there's no point being on birth control if you aren't into having sex!

Source

Not in the Mood? Have Some Watermelon

DearSugar — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 07:00:00 -0700

Have you or your honey been less than excited to get busy lately? If so, don't start popping Cialis or Levitra pills just yet. A quick trip to the produce aisle or your local farmers' market to pick up some juicy, sweet watermelon could do the trick, and no, this is not a joke! Researchers at Texas A&M are reporting that the ingredient in watermelon known as citrulline may help to increase a person's libido. When you consume watermelon, citrulline is converted to arginine, which is an amino acid that benefits your heart and circulatory system. Arganine also boosts levels of nitric oxide in your body, which helps to relax blood vessels, much like Viagra does. Consuming this fruit may even prevent erectile dysfunction. It seems that the rind has higher concentrations of citrulline, so scientists are working on developing a variety of watermelon that has higher concentrations in the pink fleshy part.

I'm in full support of anything that puts you in the mood for love so have a slice (or 12) of watermelon this holiday weekend! Enjoy!

Source

Group Therapy: Deal breaker in a long term relationship?

Sun, 29 Jul 2007 12:44:24 -0700

Ok I have to start this somewhere. I have been going out with a guy for nearly 3 years. He is clever, funny, sexy and is perfect in everything except one way. And that one way is a biggie. He has no libido.

Now initially I didn't notice this because for the first three months we did it at least twice a night every night. And that is about my appetite for it I'm afraid. Then it started to dwindle. Normal relationship cooling off I hear you say. Well after many a discussion about it he admits that he is not that sexual and that this happens to him with every girlfriend he has ever been with. It is not me, he loves me with all his heart, wants to marry me and wishes he could fix his problem. Before you say it he is not cheating on me, he wouldn't have the time!!

Click here to

I can't begin to tell you how humiliating it is being turned down again and again and again. He NEVER initiates sex so if I don't we would never sleep together. But as he only says yes about once a fortnight that is A LOT of being turned down. I have tried EVERYTHING. Dressing up, dressing down, being outright sexy, subdued sexy, whispering nothings, telling him what I enjoy most about his body etc etc etc.

It is now spreading a disease in my mind about him. I get so angry about it and about his disinterest in his problem. He doesn't understand how much he hurts me. Example last night I get out the bath and sneak up to him and start caressing him, he turns round and asks me what I am doing as he is busy (playing a computer game). How do I stop this from turning into a deal breaker? Please please help!!

You Asked: Turning Things Up a Notch in the Bedroom

DearSugar — Thu, 22 Mar 2007 12:00:00 -0700

DearSugar --

I've been with my significant other for 5+ years, and well, we don't always get romantic as often as we'd like. We both work full time, have busy social lives, etc. How can we turn things up a notch?! ~ Randy Sandy

To see DEARSUGAR's answer read more

Dear Randy Sandy --

Excellent question, and one we've all had to ask ourselves, rest assured. Let's jump right in, shall we?

First of all, you gotta schedule it. Believe it or not, making it a priority and putting in the calendar helps. It's awkward when you sit down to plan the dates and times, but you'll both get over that when the appointed hour arrives. Trust me on this. Try it.

A little exercise decreases the stress hormones and increases the excitement hormones. If you both exercise or enjoy walks, schedule a little rendezvous afterward. And sweat can be a very good thing for the pheromone department; think about skipping the shower beforehand.

Dopamine, a chemical that functions as a neurotransmitter, loves novelty, but novelty with a slight element of fear. Do something outside your comfort zone together and then head directly home. You know each other and will have to decide whether that new thing involves racing go-carts, trying a strange food you've never had, or making out in your car in the daylight in the Target parking lot. But you get the drift.

God, I love the UK. Go here for the best Kama Sutra website on the planet. There's a "love position locator" that let's you choose the effort level for each of you individually and the overall difficulty level. Up pop the positions that match your selections. Click on the positions for instructions, visual and written, and there you'll also find how many votes this particular position has received! Look through it together, pick a few, giggle a bit, and get busy. Again, it might feel awkward being so deliberate and formal, but that fades once the romance begins.

I like spontaneity myself, so here's one if that's your speed. This game helps build tension, which can be helpful when kickstarting things. Each of you write down 5 to 10 sexual or sensual things you'd like to do or have done to you. I'm guessing you guys can trust each other not to visit a scary left field for the other? Anyway, get a 'his' container and a 'her' container. You put your little 5 to 10 scraps of paper in his box, and he puts his little suggestions in your box. Come your scheduled play date, one of you draws a suggestion from your respective box -- take turns on separate dates -- and commence with the request. Ask questions if you need a little elaboration or clarification. And no peeking at the requests beforehand!

Hit your local bookstore and visit the sex section. No Amazon.com for this purchase. You need to see the books. There are about a gazillion titles published into this category, so look through them carefully until you find one that doesn't make you squirm or roll your eyes, because I guarantee both those things will happen repeatedly. That said, I guarantee you'll find at least one book that speaks to you and provides more suggestions for keeping your connection alive this way.

One last thing: you might spend some time online at Good Vibrations. I love this place, and I think it's a great reference point for sexual exploration that's respectful and woman-centered. Books, videos, toys: you can feel comfortable that their selection is carefully chosen and vetted. Besides, all the staff is extremely well-educated and trained. Call them, ask them anything, and they'll point you in the right direction.

Most of all, Randy Sandy, have fun together and continue to love each other well -- that's the secret to all of this, of course.

Source

Pillow Talk: In the Mood for Love?

DearSugar — Fri, 23 Feb 2007 17:00:00 -0800

Is one of you in the mood when the other isn't? Do you find yourself remembering when you first met your husband or boyfriend, and you literally couldn't keep your hands off each other? Every little erotic moment was savored and spent.

Do you worry about what it means that things changed a year or two into the relationship? You are not alone. And I hope you'll be glad to hear that it doesn't necessarily have anything to do with the love or attraction, or the lack thereof, between you and your partner.

Click here to read more

Psychologists and researchers call being sexually out of sync with your partner "desire discrepancy". It's normal, and it's common. But let's start at the beginning: When you first meet someone and become romantically involved -- those butterflies you feel, that flood of excitement -- the hormones that fuel desire and sexual attraction get a serious boost.

There's lots of great information in this article I'd love you to read, but here's a quick, reassuring fact:

If you’re worried that you and your partner have fallen out of lust, consider this: You may never have been in sync at all. It just seemed that way because the novelty and excitement of having a new lover boosts the hormones that inspire desire. As a relationship continues, though, the initial infatuation disappears and each partner returns to his or her “normal” level of sexual desire-which may be high, moderate, or low. And libido may wax and wane at different times in a person’s life.

As a relationship continues, though, the initial infatuation disappears and each partner returns to his or her “normal” level of sexual desire-which may be high, moderate, or low. And libido may wax and wane at different times in a person’s life.

Although it's a relief to learn there's nothing "wrong" in your relationship or sex life, that your set point may have been different all along and merely obscured by the initial chemistry of love, this still leaves a lot of room for private anxieties. Rejection, insecurity or frustration can erupt if you and your partner aren't talking openly and compassionately about the subject.

And remember, it's entirely possible to experience the mental and physical attraction that was so prominent during that "honeymoon stage". We've mentioned before that dopamine elevates passion and novelty elevates dopamine. Do something new together; anything novel with a little fear factor will give you both a nice hit of dopamine. Dr. Patricia Love, the author of Hot Monogamy, provides couples with the insight and skills necessary to create and sustain long-lasting love, especially that shift from romantic or hormonally-influenced love to what she calls "vintage love", which grows deeper and more passionate with time.

And ladies, both her book and the article I linked offer great starting points for gaining those skills.

Source

Speed Read! Sarah Palin Faces Oprah

TresSugar — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 09:30:12 -0800

Sarah Palin sat down with Oprah yesterday to chat about abortion, John McCain, and Levi Johnston. - Huffington Post
Speaking of Levi, we will not see his Johnston in Playgirl. - Gawker
Lesbian couples make the best parents, according to a new study. - Lemondrop
Why middle-aged women swoon over Twilight. - New York Magazine
Viagra for women? A lousy antidepressant makes an excellent libido booster. - Bust
Two young actresses, two different stories. (Hint! Kristen Stewart and Megan Fox.) - Women & Hollywood
America's first cannabis cafe opens in Portland, OR. - The Lede
What do celebrities' websites reveal about them? - LA Times
Oprah apologized to Robin Givens for her insensitivity about domestic violence during a recent Mike Tyson interview. - The Frisky

Ask a Pastry Chef: I Lost My Libido!

TresSugar — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. Today, a professional pastry chef will offer her common sense advice. You can submit questions here.

Today's Question:

Dear Pastry Chef,

Recently, I started a new job. After being unemployed almost eight months, this is definitely a major relief. However, I am in the transitioning phase where I am learning a bunch of new things and work is really consuming a lot of my time. At night, I am so exhausted. My desire to have sex is just not there. I want to do it and I hate having to turn my man down or go along with it just because I feel bad. I know many women have libido issues. How can I overcome this? Is this something that I just have to deal with?

Thank you,
Longing For My Lost Libido

To see the Pastry Chef's answer, read more.

Dear Longing For My Lost Libido,

All I have to say is "tell me about it!" As someone who works in a career that equates to manual labor, I definitely know how you feel. After a long day of lifting heavy mixing bowls and running around the kitchen nonstop, it can be challenging to find that second wind when you leave the job. Maybe nighttime isn't the best time for you to "get busy." You might be more energized and pumped up in the morning or after a good workout.

First, I would try talking to your partner - especially since you don't want him thinking it's him turning you off! Then I would try being intimate at different times of the day, other than bedtime. I always feel it's a little more exciting and spontaneous when it's not bedtime. And aren't spontaneity and excitement two keys to a healthy relationship - physical or emotional?

Either way, don't stress it so much. If you're feeling it, go for it; if not, don't ever let anyone force you into it.

Congrats on the new job!

A Pastry Chef

Libido-Boosting Ice Cream - Hilarious or Horrifying?

TresSugar — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 14:10:35 -0700

If you've always been envious that men have access to a libido in a pill, you might want to try "The Sex Pistol" - a new ice cream cocktail crammed with ingredients like ginkgo, biloba, and arginine, known to boost sex drives. The frozen drink, which comes with a shot of absinthe, will be served this Fall in a new London bar called the Icreamists. Patrons will be allowed only one drink each, since they don't want things getting totally out of control!

Hump Day: I Have Little Desire to Have Sex Anymore

TresSugar — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 04:00:00 -0800

Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's sex advice column. Are you confused about sex? Do you have trouble having an orgasm? Is there something you'd like to try but you're worried it's too weird? Send your questions to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!

Today's Question:

“When my husband and I first got married, I was so in love with him that we had sex what (for me) seemed like a lot (a few times a week). But now, three years into it, I feel like my baseline libido, which never was much in the first place, has flatlined. I simply have no interest in sex mentally or physically. My husband keeps asking me if there’s someone else, but in reality, I don’t want sex at all - with anyone. I’m worried he’s going to leave me, this is causing so many problems between us. Any advice?”

To see the answer, read more

It’s pretty common for sexual frequency for couples to lessen after a couple of years. It’s not always just the stereotypical “things are becoming routine” situation. Shifts in hormones can occur as time goes by and those shifts can affect sexual desire. Lots of people have a low interest in sex for any of a number of reasons. It’s not necessarily a sign of any kind of problem and if that has been your pattern for a long time; that may be simply how your sexuality is.

Do you consider your lack of interest in sex a problem? If you do, you might want to see if there are any medical issues causing it. You could have low testosterone for example. While we generally only think of it as a male hormone, women also have some testosterone in their systems and it’s often related to interest in sex. Sexual desire is quite complex and sometimes, the answers aren’t as easy as that, but it could be worth exploring.

Whether you think that your low desire is a problem or not, it sounds like your concerns center on how you and your husband talk about it and what his and your expectations are. Differences in desire can be one of the more tricky relationship challenges and almost all couples face it at some point or another. When you consider how much we (as a culture) equate sexual desire with relationship health, it’s no wonder that many of us feel a lot of pressure around it.

While I would NEVER suggest to anyone that they engage in sex that they don’t want, the two of you might want to explore other ways to connect physically. After all, it doesn’t have to be sex or intercourse. For example, would it work if you gave him backrubs? What if he masturbated while you help him or ran your hands across him? And are there ways that you would like to receive physical contact? As another possibility, are there ways in which the two of you could make room for him to get his sexual needs met, such as giving him solo time at home for some self-pleasure?

Whether you find your low desire a problem or not, you could also find a sex-positive therapist. One of the most helpful things that a therapist can offer is tools for talking about tricky topics and a safe space to do it in. Plus, sometimes an outside perspective can be really helpful. There are plenty of great people who know about sexuality issues and lots of them can be found on the website for the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists. Anyone in their directory has passed a rigorous certification process, which gives them the foundation to be as helpful with sexuality topics as possible.

Ultimately, the best advice I can offer you is to be honest with each other about what’s going on for you and how you each feel about it. With that as the foundation, the two of you can start looking for new ways to be together that work for both of you.