TresSugar

Group Therapy: How Can You Be Sure?

Sun, 17 Aug 2008 11:00:00 -0700

I am in the process of ending a good relationship with a great guy. It hurts so much, but I don't feel I am in the place in my life for a relationship and I feel he is not the one for me. One the one hand, I'm scared to end up alone in life, but on the other, I am scared to end up with the wrong guy. When someone is great, but you're just not sure, how do you cope? How do you let go and move on from a relationship that ends like this? I don't want to be stuck in this place forever - I want to move on with my life. Does any one have any advice for this kind of situation?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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Group Therapy: How Do I Accept His Female Friend?

Thu, 14 Aug 2008 03:00:00 -0700

After almost seven years together my boyfriend and I took a break, and a couple of months ago, got back together. There were many things that led to our breakup. I was always lost in my own head and never listened to him, and he was always trying to protect me so he never shared any of his problems. These are both things we've worked greatly on since getting back together.

While most things haven't changed between us since getting back together (the love we share, the fun we have, and the excitement we feel), there has been one new addition to his life that I was not and still am not terribly fond of. A girl he was crushing on not too long before we broke up has now become a good friend. Because he befriended this girl before we broke up, she represents to me the hurt I went through when we split, even though she had nothing to do with it.

So every time I see her or hear her name, I become angry and hurt. The thing is, I want to get to know her, and my boyfriend wants me too as well, because she was a good friend to my boyfriend during our time apart. However, there's also a pretty big part of me that doesn't want to get to know her because of what she reminds me of. How do I let go of what she represents to me so that I can see her for who she is and not for the pain I feel when I think about her?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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You Asked: My Boyfriend Won't Stop Talking About His Ex

DearSugar — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I've been on and off with this guy for more than a year now, but the last six months we've been in a steady relationship. About a month ago he told me he loved me. He's only been in a committed relationship once before, which was about two years ago. The story of how they broke up is not exactly clear, but I know she cheated on him and broke his heart. He tried many times to win her back, but she wanted nothing to do with him, and is currently in a new relationship.

The problem is he talks about her all the time. At first I was very understanding, but now it's getting annoying. Within the first three months we were dating, I asked him if he was over her and he said that he was trying. Not long ago, I asked him again. He said, "I am. Before I wasn't sure, but now it's clear; I'm over her." And yet, he continually talks about her. When I mention that it bothers me he stops for a while, and then he's back at it again. I don't know what to do. I love him and I don't want to lose him, but I also don't want to be with someone who wishes they were with the one who got away, and not me! Is it time for me to move on? Or can I make this work?

- Over Being Understanding Beth

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Over Being Understanding Beth,

I don't blame you for being tired of listening to your boyfriend talk about his ex; I wouldn't like it either! While I'm sure he truly loves you, it does sound like he has some pent-up issues about his ex, but unfortunately, that's something that only he has control over.

Open up to him and let him know that by continuously mentioning his ex, you're not sure he can truly let go and focus on what he has in front of him. Don't be shy about sharing your fears that he'll always wish he was with her instead of you; I think that's a truth he needs to hear. But do remember that a change like this doesn't happen over night. It's many small steps that happen over time, so be patient. However, if things stay the same you'll have to decide for yourself if this is something you can tolerate.

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Group Therapy: How Do You Let Go?

Sun, 20 Jul 2008 11:00:00 -0700

I am tired of my relationship with my boyfriend. He takes me for granted and clearly doesn't appreciate me and the things that I did for him while he was down and out. I believe that he's holding onto the relationship because he has no one else that will treat him like I will. However, I do have reason to believe that once something better comes along he's out of here. He doesn't respect me and or care who I talk to or go out with. Bottom line is he doesn't love me and he's incredibly selfish.

But I'm still human and it's hard to let go. It hurts. I become anxious when I think about telling him all of this - I know he'll go out of his way to hurt my feelings. That will only make me feel that much worse. I don't have any true friends. The one that I do have lives about two hours away; I have two boys and my parents. He's my day to day friend, so what do I do? How do I let go?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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You Asked: My Parents Won't Let Me Go

DearSugar — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I'm 21 years old and currently going into my last year of college. Before I was with my current boyfriend, I was in another long-term relationship, which ended when I went to college. My parents made my life miserable by pressuring me to break up with him, telling me that we weren't right together. It wasn't a bad relationship, and even though it didn't work out, I don't regret it.

Now it seems to be happening all over again. This Summer I decided to stay near school since I have a steady, full-time job. I'm renting a house with three close friends and my boyfriend of a year and a half. My family was disappointed that I didn't come home for the Summer but told me that if I could budget it, then they would support me. I love it here, and I'm very happy with the choice I made. My parents came up to visit this past weekend and when I asked if my boyfriend could come to dinner with us, my mom said no; she needed to talk to me about some red flags she sees.

They've only met him twice, and I don't think it's fair for them to judge him already. It seems that whenever I get into a serious relationship, instead of supporting me, they have to tell me that I'll ruin my dreams if I settle down too early. I'm happy to listen to their advice, but after that I feel like they need to support me. I know who I am and what I want, and I don't plan on sacrificing any of it for a guy, but that doesn't mean I'm going to break up with my boyfriend. How can I make them understand and support me?

- Unsupported Sienna

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Unsupported Sienna,

You sound like a smart woman with a good head on her shoulders, but trying to break away from your parents - especially when you're super-close as a family- can be really difficult when they're set on holding on to you. As long as you're staying focused on your future and what's truly best for your life, then I think you're on the right path, though it may not be the same path your parents would like for you. Unfortunately, I doubt there's much you can say to make your parents learn to let go any faster - only time will do that. But for now, continue what you have been doing: seriously listening to your parents opinions, paving your own way, and making the healthiest choices for you.

Remind them that while you will always defer to their judgment when making decisions, you can't always make the choice that's best for them. If you act maturely, then eventually they'll have to treat you accordingly. Watching a child enter into the big world is scary for parents, but I'm sure in the end they just want you to be happy. Be patient while they negotiate your new independence, but don't let them scare you out of standing your ground.

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You Asked: He Won't Let Me Get Over Him

DearSugar — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I'm having a hard time getting over my first lover. I lost my virginity to him a couple of months ago, but since then we've ended things. It was long distance so we flirted a lot via Internet chats, email, etc. I realized I just can't manage a long-distance relationship, but I still can't get him out of life. He's in my thoughts and everything reminds me of him.

Something about his personality makes me feel so confident, but the distance and a big age difference has made me sure I need to let go. Except each time I sign online he sends me a flirty message. He even sends me sweet text messages on my phone. His contact only fuels the fire. I can't seem to forget him or stop responding to him.

- Completely Helpless Hallie

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Completely Helpless Hallie,

Letting go can feel nearly impossible when you still care about someone but know that being with them isn't the right decision. We can't choose who we fall in love with, but we have a choice about who we want to be with, and considering the age gap and the distance, it sounds like you've made the right choice for you. Unfortunately, making the decision to end a relationship is only one half of the equation in moving on. Then the real willpower has to kick in!

Obviously his consistent contact is making things more difficult than usual, so it's time to cut all ties. I wouldn't go so far as to change your number or screen name, but blocking him on your IM or asking for some space would be effective in diminishing interaction. But regardless of his effort to stay in touch, it's really up to you to no longer respond to him. It's not an easy thing to do, but it is a very important step in letting go.

Eventually time will do the trick, but for now, if ignoring him seems impossible, just try responding without actually pressing "send." Turn off your computer or remove his phone number and delete his messages before even reading them. It's not fun, but it'll get easier each time you do it.

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The How-To Lounge: Moving Forward

DearSugar — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 11:00:00 -0700

Even if you’re the one doing the breaking, breaking up isn’t easy. But when you’re the one being rejected and having your heart broken, it’s especially difficult. In my opinion, the very worst part of the breakup is when you actually have to let go. To check out some helpful advice on making this experience easier, read more.

As I’ve said before, being sad is an important feeling, so don’t hide from it. In fact, embracing it can really make a difference when it comes to the healing process. So get out your tissues, call your mom, and wallow in your own self-pity for a while.
As much as you want to crawl into a hole and hide, don’t. Go out; interact with people. Don’t worry about meeting new guys, just focus on having fun and being comfortable as a single gal.
Write it down! Writing down everything you might want to say to your ex may not be as satisfying as actually saying it, but it can still be helpful, productive, and cleansing. Plus it lets you obsess as much as you want!
Stop focusing on the good, and start thinking about the bad. OK, I only mean when it comes to your ex. Instead of remembering all the good things, try to remember all of the things that upset you, hurt you, and drove you nuts. I know it sounds negative, but it’s actually very helpful at providing a reality check, since most of the time we tend to glamorize the past.
Try to do something new. Start cooking, rock climbing, or training for a 5K. Not only will it distract you from feeling down, but it’s a great self-esteem booster.

Just remember, you will feel better eventually. Just don’t give up!

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You Asked: Should I Just Let Him Go?

DearSugar — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

It's been a while, but I'm still not over my ex. I've known him for 10 years, and we work together so it's not possible to just avoid him. At times I feel like I'm finally going to be free from him, but then he does something that wins me over again. He's the person you could see yourself being with forever. He's smart, funny, responsible, and when I'm with him I feel so comfortable. We've always kept a friendly relationship because we were best friends first.

I'm lost on what to do. I seem to push every other guy whose interested in me away because I'm not sure whether both my ex and I are over each other. I can't ask him because he'll just avoid answering me - that's how he is. Should I finally let him go? I'm scared I'll never meet someone as incredible as him again.

- Can't Let Go Lisa

To see DearSugar's answer read more.

Dear Can't Let Go Lisa,

From your description, your ex sounds like a great guy, but he is your ex, which means that something didn't work when you guys were together. Because I don't know the details of your relationship and subsequent breakup, I can't say whether or not trying to work on a relationship again is a good idea. However, it's important for you to remind yourself that there's a reason why you guys aren't a couple anymore.

Instead of worrying about what could be, focus on living in the present. Next time a new guy shows interest in you, take the bait. Don't think of it as letting go of your ex, but rather opening up to new experiences and people. I truly believe that the most important part of breaking up isn't letting go, but keeping an open mind about yourself and those around you. If you can do that, everything else will just come naturally, whether that's moving on or making it work again. Keep your chin up and hang in there!

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National Get Over It Day: A Little Humor Never Hurt

DearSugar — Fri, 09 Mar 2007 10:35:00 -0800

Oh, it's way too easy to ruminate and obsess, to become lost in a maze of seriousness, heaviness and despair. One of my favorite things about my partner is his knack for seeing the goofiness or humor in most situations. And he knows when and where to switch gears, which is a good thing.

Thing is, sometimes we need help getting another perspective. And sometimes the best way to relieve a little tension is to laugh; I always know I'm in a solid place when I can laugh at myself. In that spirit, we're doing a shout-out for National Get Over It Day here at DearSugar.

Ladies, is it time to quit trying to understand or make sense of something? Is it time to just let it go? Figure it out later, much later? If so, today's the day: write about it here, say goodbye, and make room for something else. I'd suggest picking something small but annoying; work up to the big stuff, maybe.

Wise Guide: a question about letting go

DearSugar — Wed, 21 Feb 2007 03:00:00 -0800

“To live in this world you must be able to do three things: to love what is mortal; to hold it against your bones knowing your own life depends on it; and, when the time comes to let it go, to let it go.” -- Mary Oliver

How much fear do you have about losing that which you love? Do you feel emotionally and spiritually prepared to let go when that time arrives?

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