TresSugar

Handle This: Your Boyfriend Is Turning Into a Couch Potato

DearSugar — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 07:30:00 -0700

If you were put in a situation like this, how would you handle it?

Your live-in boyfriend had been holding onto his job for dear life for the past six months, but he unfortunately got laid off March 1. Thankfully you still have yours, but you don't make nearly enough money to hold down the fort for much longer. You're a little worried as the economy isn't getting any better, but you're confident that your boyfriend will do everything in his power to find something sooner rather than later.

His first week of unemployment was very productive, but he's since become increasingly lazy and negative. He's on the couch every night when you get home - beer in hand - and he hasn't worked out in days. While you know it's a tough market out there, this is very out of character for your boyfriend - he's a go-getter, not a couch potato! To make matters worse, whenever you try to talk to him about how he's feeling or offer advice or support, he snaps at you. It's a tough situation, so tell me, how would you handle it?

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You Asked: How Can I End It Once and For All?

DearSugar — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 12:30:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I tried breaking up with my boyfriend for the fourth time on Valentine's Day. He loves me very much and I care for him too but we just don't have a future together. He is a high school drop out, he doesn't have a job, he's thousands of dollars in debt, and has never tried to save for our future. I do a lot for him, but I'm tired of always giving and never receiving - I feel like we have had the same relationship for years and we are now at a standstill.

When I do try to break up with him, he cries and begs me not to leave, and it breaks my heart every time. I can't stand to hurt him which is why I find myself in this predicament. We don't live together or have children so it seems easy to make a clean break, but I just can't do it. Do you have any advice? -Stuck Stacia

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Dear Stuck Stacia,

I hear that you love and care for your boyfriend, but if you are not in love with him, and you know for a fact that you have no future with him, you just have to bite the bullet and get out of this relationship once and for all. He'll probably cry and beg for you back, but know that you'll only hurt him more if you stay. You've folded so many times before because you just weren't ready, so when you're finally in the right state of mind to break up, be strong and firm, and reassure him that you really are just better off as friends. This won't be an easy process, but after everything is said and done, I'm sure you'll feel a huge weight lifted off your shoulders. Good luck.

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You Asked: Should I Cut My Losses Now?

DearSugar — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 12:30:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have been dating about six months and I was seriously considering marrying him a month ago. He is gentle, humble, passionate, and I just know he'll be a great father. The problem is he's unemployed. He was a subcontractor in the construction industry and he loved his job, but the construction industry has just fallen apart in our town. I thought I would be able to handle this but the truth is, he doesn't really know how to do anything else and there are no jobs in sight.

We've talked about money and it's clear his parents taught him nothing. Even though he is 30 and has a really nice car and apartment, he has no savings of any kind and no health insurance (it's too expensive since he's self-employed). To make matters worse, I have a very stable job as a high school teacher. The fact that my job is not in jeopardy (yet) just makes me feel worse about everything. I'm not trying to rub it in his face, but at the same time, my parents struggled when I was growing up and I picked my job specifically so I would never have to worry about unemployment. The longer he goes without work, the more our relationship gets strained. I can handle not going out and I am fine with teaching him about money if he wants to learn, but I feel like he should be much more proactive in his job search. I don't want to throw away an otherwise great relationship over this, but at the same time, I know that a lot of couples divorce over money and I am starting to understand why. Should I cut my losses now or give him more time to pick himself up again? - Disappointed Diana

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Dear Disappointed Diana,

I'm sorry to hear that your boyfriend lost his job - it's a very scary time right now so I understand your concerns. With that said, he won't be unemployed forever so if you can accept his situation for the time being, I agree, it's not worth throwing away an otherwise seemingly good relationship. If you stay together, yes, you'll have to make some adjustments in your life, you might even have to pick up some of the slack, but I'm sure he'd do the same for you if the roles were reversed.

If you feel that he's not making an effort to find work, either in his field or another field for now, that's another story. You can do your part to support him and teach him about money, but he's a grown adult and it's his responsibility to make his future and his career a priority. I wish you luck during these difficult times - hopefully there's a light at the end of the tunnel for you both.

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5 Tips For Supporting a Loved One Who Has Been Laid Off

DearSugar — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 10:00:00 -0800

As we all know, times are tough so chances are you have a friend or two that's been laid off. If you're in the same boat, you probably know what helps and what hurts when talking about it, but if you have yet to be affected by job loss, I have a few tips you might want to keep in mind if you have to support a loved one who is newly unemployed. Check them out below and if you have any suggestions you'd like to add, please do so in the comments below - we could all use as much advice on this subject as possible!

First things first: If your friend is in a panic after getting her pink slip, remind her of the five things she needs to take with her from work.
The most important thing to do when supporting someone is to listen. Typically people like to vent their frustration so let her get whatever she needs to off her chest and simply listen.
While it's easy to say things like you understand, unless you're wearing her shoes you probably don't, so try not to rain on her parade and compare your sister's friend's job loss to hers - it's different.

Want to see two more tips? Just read more.

Even if you're not in a position to do much to help, ask her what you can do anyway. She might appreciate simple things like you offering to babysit a few hours a week so she can interview, or inviting her over for dinner or a girls night in. Being around friends and family is crucial when you're feeling low.
If you have contacts that could benefit your friend, offer to point her in their direction or pass along her resume yourself. Though it's tough to get a job in most industries right now, it always helps if you know someone.

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Tough Question No. 3: When Are You Getting Engaged?

DearSugar — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 07:30:00 -0800

If you're dating and you have a job, don't think that you're exempt from the line of questioning at Thanksgiving - getting engaged is of course the next one! Some women enjoy just dating their significant other, but if you're actually waiting for a ring yourself, this question could hit a nerve. To see my suggestions on how to answer tough question number three, just read more.

If you're simply not ready to take that next step in your relationship, tell whoever is asking that you're just enjoying being together for now. Reiterate that you're not in a rush to get hitched and hopefully they'll back off.
Blame your youth. Tell them you feel too young and don't feel the need to be married just yet.
If you are ready for an engagement yourself, take a cheeky approach and say something like, "I've been asking myself the same question" or "I'm not sure, but if you find out when, let me know!" If you take the pressure off with humor, it'll make talking about it a lot easier.

If you're in a similar boat this year, tell us, how do you plan on answering this tough question?

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Dear Poll: Are You Competitive About Your Career?

DearSugar — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 10:00:00 -0700

Job security isn't what it was a few months ago, and for some, even talking about work hits a major nerve. I'm not in the same industry as most of my girlfriends, but when I listen to the ones who are in the same field talk about their careers, you can cut the tension with a knife. It's almost like they're competing; everything from whose company is doing better to where their Christmas party will be this year. It's a scary time right now, so shouldn't we all be supporting one another instead of competing?

So do you and your girlfriends have the same kind of competitiveness when it comes to talking shop? Or do you avoid talking about work at all costs for exactly this reason?

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You Asked: I'm Getting Depressed About Being Unemployed

DearSugar — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I just finished my master's in May and I still can't find a job. I am in the education field and I live on Long Island, where jobs are hard to find. My boyfriend and I have an apartment together, and he is working a lot to keep us afloat. We have considered relocating for my sake but figured we would allow some time first. Money aside, I am having a really hard time dealing with being unemployed. I am feeling sad over the fact that my boyfriend is overworked and has to basically support me. I feel like all of the time and money I spent on my education is not paying off. I have a part-time job, I work evenings, so I spend most of the day at home and then miss my boyfriend because he has a day job. At first, I took advantage of getting myself organized and continuing my job search, but now I have a hard time getting out of bed and feel like there is no purpose to my day. I know that I am depressed. I would love to have some input on how I can get out of this slump and get on with things. - Desperate Davida

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Desperate Davida,

I'm sorry you're having a hard time finding a job. We are living in a crazy time right now, so try not to be too hard on yourself - there are a plethora of people in your exact situation. For some advice on the career front, check out this advice from my friend SavvySugar; hopefully she'll be of some help. In the meantime, I have a few suggestions myself.

While I don't blame you for feeling guilty that your boyfriend is working extra hard while you look for a job, try to keep it all in perspective. It doesn't sound like he's miserable doing it, so just be appreciative! I'm sure it makes him feel good to be able to help you, and if the roles were reversed, wouldn't you do the same for him?

Since you are working opposite schedules as your boyfriend, I recommend looking for a new part-time job during regular business hours. Not only will it give a purpose to your day and time with your boyfriend, but getting back in the routine of going to work everyday, no matter what the job is, will make the transition that much easier when you find a full-time job. Since relocating is potentially an option, why don't you give yourself a time frame? If you can't find a job in six to eight months, send your resume out in cities where you could see yourself living.

I know it's probably really disheartening to think all your hard work isn't paying off, but in time, I have faith that it will. Be patient with yourself, let your boyfriend take care of you for a while, and make sure you communicate with him. Perhaps just talking it out will relieve you of the guilt you feel. Good luck.

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You Asked: Should I Quit My Job?

DearSugar — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I really dislike my job; I might even go as far as saying I hate it. I work for a hotel at the front desk, and not only do I have to deal with rude guests all day, but I have to deal with rude and inconsiderate co-workers as well. I have been with the company for over a year, but I've never felt appreciated and I dread going to work every day. I would quit, but I am taking a week paid vacation in November and I am moving to a different state in March, so I feel like maybe I should just stick it out until then. I'm afraid that if I leave now I wont be able to take my vacation, plus I can't really afford to go a week without pay. And I'm also afraid that if I leave after my vacation, it will look bad on my resume to only have had a job for four months. What should I do? Stick it out and be miserable for the next six months, or run while I can still salvage my sanity? - Disgruntled Dede

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Disgruntled Dede,

Being unhappy at your job is a terrible feeling so I'm sorry you're restless, but since you have so many things going on in the next few months, it's probably best to just stick it out. The job market is incredibly tough right now so if you quit after your trip in November, there's no guarantee that you'll be able to find something else, especially if you're just going to be moving four months later.

Since you know there's a light at the end of the tunnel, do whatever you need to in order to make the most out of the next six months - if there wasn't an end date in sight, I would definitely tell you to hit the want ads! Starting each day with a bad attitude will only make the situation worse, so if you keep it all relative, chances are these next six months will fly by. Good luck and remember that March will be here before you know it!

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You Asked: My Friends Don't Understand Why I Love My Job

DearSugar — Fri, 30 May 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have recently landed a great new job. The most important thing is that I have worked really hard to get here, but my friends are super negative about it. It has gotten to the point where I lie about being happy in my job just so they'll back off. Though I never go into detail, this seems to make my friends feel better, but the truth is, my new job is really hard, and I love the challenge! How can I relay this message to the people I love without making them uncomfortable? I want to be honest without bragging, but every time I say anything positive, I get serious backlash. Please help! - Actually Happy Annie

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Actually Happy Annie,

Since I don't know much detail here, I will just say that it sounds as though your friends are simply jealous of your new job. Finding something you love to do that presents a welcoming challenge is no small feat, so you should indeed relish it! Lying just to appease them can't last forever, so the next time one of your friends gives you any flack, just be honest with them! Tell them that you're sorry that they don't understand, but you actually really enjoy your job, and leave it at that. Chances are, they'll feel stupid for making you feel guilty for feeling otherwise, and it'll never be a topic of conversation again. You should be proud of yourself for working hard to get to where you are today, Annie, and if your friends don't understand that, you might want to reevaluate the role these people play in your life. Friendship is all about love and support and from the sounds of it, you are getting the exact opposite reaction.

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Group Therapy: How Can I Motivate Him?

Mon, 17 Mar 2008 03:00:19 -0700

Recently I began dating an amazing guy. He's everything I've ever wanted/needed out of a relationship, almost. There is one thing that has bothered me since we started dating. He's 19 and doesn't have a job and never has. He lives with his parents, doesn't pay rent, and spends a large majority of his time doing nothing productive. I can honestly say, if he were more motivated and working, he'd be everything I want.

I've talked to him about it, and he blames his lack of motivation or such on his older brother. He says he's always followed in his brother's footsteps, who is also living at home and doing nothing with his life. I think this may be true to some degree but at the same time, an excuse nonetheless. It's important for me to be with someone who has goals and aspirations and motivation, because it helps keep me up and going myself.

We've talked about it and he says he'll start looking for a job and that his lack of motivation is something he really wants to change. He's started taking daily walks to try and get himself up and going. But it's been about two weeks since we've talked about it, and nothing has really changed. He hasn't looked for a job to my knowledge at all. I really want to help motivate him, but at the same time I don't want to watch a really great guy go down the drain because of one thing he could have changed. Any tips on how I can help him get going?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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