TresSugar

Group Therapy: I'm Feeling Bad About My Interracial Relationship

Fri, 03 Apr 2009 04:00:00 -0700

I'm currently in an interracial relationship and I'm really annoyed at the odd looks we occasionally receive while out and about. My boyfriend is white and I am Middle Eastern-looking (Turkish/German) so we do have different skin color. I am upset that this seems to matter to some people and it is starting to make me feel bad about myself, and I've always been really proud of my interesting look!

I think this may also be hitting a nerve with me just because my boyfriend previously dated a very standard American-looking girl and I am starting to feel like they looked better together. I don't want my insecurity to affect our relationship, so does anyone have any suggestions on how to get over this? And also maybe what to say to someone who gives us dirty looks?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To read more GROUP THERAPY, click here or submit your own question here.]

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Do Tell: What Insecurity Would You Rid Yourself Of?

DearSugar — Sun, 08 Mar 2009 10:00:00 -0700

Insecurities - we all have them no matter how hard we try to fight them off. They can come in many different forms: a character trait, a nervous habit, or a way of life. But almost all of them have the ability to affect our daily life and routine, our relationships, our job, and our friendships. Of course some insecurities are more severe than others, but no matter what, they can be hard to handle. So ladies, if you could rid yourself of one specific insecurity or character trait that interferes with your quality of life, what would it be?

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Group Therapy: My Boyfriend Held Onto a Gift From His Ex

Fri, 27 Feb 2009 04:00:00 -0800

About a month ago I was checking out my boyfriend's bookshelf and saw a book with a very lovey-dovey inscription from an ex-girlfriend. It wasn't signed, but I'm pretty sure it was from the girl he dated about three years ago. I didn't say anything to him about it but two weeks later, we were preparing for a party in his apartment, and we moved things from his bookshelf to his closet - including this book. Yesterday, I noticed that the other stuff was still in the closet, but the book is now sitting on top of his desk. He would've had to dig around to find it.

I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years and I'm wondering what this means. It makes me uncomfortable that he is holding on to this gift, and that he deliberately looked for it after the party. I know this make me sound really insecure, which is why I don't want to talk to him about it directly, but I can't help my feelings. It's especially troubling because we have been talking about our future recently, and I'm wondering if he is subconsciously having second thoughts. Am I overthinking this?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To read more GROUP THERAPY, click here or submit your own question here.]

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How Long Did It Take to Have an Orgasm With a Partner?

DearSugar — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 15:00:00 -0700

Over the weekend, I decided to take advantage of the damp weather with a trip to the movies to see Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist. I liked it and applauded it for doing something most teen comedies these days don't do: let teenagers have imperfections and real insecurities. In the story, it's revealed that Norah is unable to have an orgasm.

This revelation implies that Norah is lacking and of course, leaves her humiliated. The use of this particular insecurity really stood out to me. Looking back on high school, I think we were all at a discovery phase -learning what pleasure with a partner really was - and for many of us, an orgasm was still out of reach, though with experimentation we were on our way to getting there. I assume that Norah's anxiety is something many people dealt with, so tell me, how long did it take you to have your first orgasm with a partner? Was it easy? Or did it take some practice?

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You Asked: Am I Being Unreasonable or Is He Being a Baby?

DearSugar — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I've been working at my job for a while now, and my co-workers throw quite a few parties. I haven't gone to any, but there is an upcoming surprise party I want to attend. It's being thrown by a female co-worker for her brother, who also works with us. I told my boyfriend about it and asked if he wanted to come, but when I told him it was for a male co-worker, he got quiet and pouty and acted like I was asking for something unreasonable. I can understand if I told him I was going out with some guy friends and didn't ask him to come along, but this is a work party with a number of guys and girls, and I really wanted him to meet my co-workers. He claims that if the tables were turned, I would be upset too (which I don't think would be the case). I've never cheated on him or given him a reason to distrust me, so am I being unreasonable or is he being a baby? What can I do about it? - Irritated Irene

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Irritated Irene,

It sounds like your boyfriend is just being insecure. Did you catch him at a bad time? Have things been rocky between you two? Does he have something to be defensive about? Since his reaction sounds out of character, I'd talk to him so you can understand what upsets him about this party. Make it clear to him how much you want your co-workers to meet him and reiterate the innocence of this party.

Since I'm not privy to all facets of your relationship, I can't say who is being unreasonable here, but I don't think your request was the least bit out of line. Get to the bottom of his insecurity and his current trust issues, as there might be a deeper problem going on that he's been unable to bring up. Hopefully a good heart-to-heart will clear the air. Good luck.

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Dear Poll: Did You Lie About the Weight on Your Driver's License?

DearSugar — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 16:00:00 -0700

Whether we like it or not, body image plays a role in our life. In fact, weight problems can bring out cattiness among friends and reveal our deepest insecurities, which is why it’s not uncommon to learn that so many women lie about their weight on their driver’s license. I guess we feel better when the real number isn’t staring us in the face. So is the weight on your driver’s license what the scale says it is?

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You Asked: I'm Tired of Being Afraid

DearSugar — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

A while back my ex-boyfriend dumped me out of nowhere. I thought we were heading in a good direction and that we were finally getting to know each other. (In fact, less than a week before that happened we had spent our first romantic weekend together.) At the end of one date night on the way back to my place he told me that while he loved hanging out with me and that I was the best girlfriend he has ever had he just doesn't feel "it." While I respected that he told me that instead of leading me on, I was still very hurt.

Now I've started a new relationship after licking my wounds for a little while, but I've discovered that my ex has changed me. I now have this sudden fear of abandonment and I am afraid that my current boyfriend will do the same thing. I've never experienced these kind of fears before. My boyfriend is a great guy, and assures me that he isn't going anywhere; he knows what happened before. But I can't shake this feeling, and I'm afraid that it will ruin my relationship. Every time my boyfriend doesn't return my call immediately a small voice inside my head tells me that maybe it's happening again. I know it's irrational but what can I do? Please help!

- Nervous Natalie

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Nervous Natalie,

It's important for you to recognize that there are no guarantees in love or life; what happened to you before could happen to you again. But that's a possibility that you have absolutely no control over, and worrying about it won't make a difference. In fact, as you mentioned, worrying about it can put an unnecessary strain on your relationship. But, of course, it's much easier to tell yourself this than to convince yourself that it's true.

If you make the decision to let go of your fears, they'll naturally fade away, so don't hold on to them because you think they'll protect you from having this happen again; they won't. They'll only make you feel sad and scared. Luckily, acknowledging that your fears are irrational is a great step in the process. Now you just have to believe it. Whenever these concerns enter your mind, start squashing them by putting them in perspective. The fact is that even if your worst-case scenario took place, you'd make it through. It might be hard and painful, but in the end, you'd be OK.

I'm glad that you've opened up to your new boyfriend. Definitely keep those lines of communication open, but make sure that you avoid projecting your fears on to him, which could lead to resentment and extra stress. It's going to take some time, but if you can keep reminding yourself that there's no point in worrying, they will eventually disappear for good.

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Handle This: His Ex Is a Model

DearSugar — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 12:00:00 -0700

In the time you’ve been dating your boyfriend, you’ve inevitably learned things about his past including a few details about his ex, like that she dumped him out of nowhere and completely broke his heart. He seems very nostalgic about their relationship, and you’ve always had a fear that he would take her back if he could.

While flipping through a magazine with him, he points out a picture of her in one of the ads; it turns out she’s a model, and she’s breathtakingly gorgeous, which he's quick to point out. You know he's with you now, but you're no model. How would you handle this?

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You Asked: Is He Over His Ex?

DearSugar — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have been with the man that I plan to marry for a little over a year now. He is a great guy, but something recently happened that I just can't seem to get over. He was married previously, and things ended badly with his wife - she cheated on him. She has been unkind to me, and in the beginning I had to overcome insecurities that he might still be in love with her.

Six months into our relationship I came across some pictures of his ex in a photo album that now contains pictures of me and him. Obviously, I knew he had pictures of her, but something about sharing a photo album made me uncomfortable. I decided to tell him how I felt, and the next day he told me that he threw the pictures away. Yesterday as he was moving some of his things into my home I noticed a box of pictures. Out of curiosity, I began to look through them, and came across the pictures of his ex that he had supposedly thrown away.

I confronted him about it, and though initially defensive, he did eventually apologize. He claims that he doesn't know why he never threw them away. He has assured me that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and that nothing could change that. I know he loves me, but I don't know how to get over the feeling that he isn't over his ex. Why would he hold onto those pictures? Why would he lie to me? Am I overreacting?

- Picture Phobic Pia

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Picture Phobic Pia,

Due to his difficult divorce, it sounds like your relationship has been plagued with insecurity from the get-go. Even if you both love each other, insecurity can easily haunt a relationship and destroy a happy couple. You really have to put these issues to rest before you can consider making a lifelong commitment.

You won't be able to let any of this go if you don't start recognizing that your boyfriend did have a very serious relationship with another woman prior to meeting you and that history can't just be erased. It doesn't mean that he's still in love with his ex or that he doesn't love you, but the reality is that he probably does harbor some feelings towards her, both good and bad. With time those feelings are sure to lessen, but for now, don't let them play a role in your relationship or make you question what you know to be true.

That said I think it's important to always trust your gut. If issues with his ex continue, and you're starting to feel the familiar twinge of concern about his intentions towards you (or her), it's time to lay down the law. He absolutely cannot have both of you, so don't be afraid to tell him so. Love is an amazing thing, but relationships come and go, so take care of yourself first and foremost. Good luck!

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You Asked: I'm So Paranoid

DearSugar — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My husband and I have been married for over a year. We have a sturdy relationship except that I'm very insecure about a particular ex of his. When we first got together, they were still friends and he flirted a little with her when he saw her. Since then, he's managed to practically tell me everything about her: how much she pays in rent, her car payment, and many other details that only someone very close to her would know. Every time we're out in public I can't help but notice that he constantly seems to be looking around as if he's waiting for her to walk in.

I used to not be so paranoid! What is wrong with me? This is driving me emotionally crazy. I can't talk to him about any of this because he tells me I'm acting totally irrationally. What can I do?

- Insecure Ingrid

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Insecure Ingrid,

Regardless of whether or not you're just being paranoid, the fact is that you're having a difficult time coping and that alone requires deeper digging. First of all, your husband needs to address your concerns rather than just accuse you of being irrational. Something about his relationship with his ex is negatively affecting you so much that it's damaging your relationship - it should be an easy task for him to simply stop mentioning the details about her life.

As far as what you can do on your own, try not to assume the worst - don't let paranoia turn a simple glance into something more than innocent. If you can work on toning down your suspicions, it will give you the opportunity to listen to your gut - our instincts are the most valuable tool in a relationship if we can just learn how to trust them. If you're still convinced something is going on or if your husband refuses to acknowledge your worries then I would seriously consider seeking the help of a therapist before things get out of hand. Talking it out with a professional may help to reveal specifically where your insecurities are coming from and let you see the whole picture more clearly.

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