TresSugar

Dear Poll: Have Your Body Image Issues Affected a Relationship?

DearSugar — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 16:16:50 -0700

Even the most beautiful and seemingly perfect women have insecurities about their bodies, especially in the bedroom. I guess it's just part of life as a woman! For some, it's relatively simple to embrace flaws, but insecurities can be crippling for others. Since body image issues affect everyone differently, I'm curious. So tell me, have your insecurities ever affected one of your relationships?

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The How-To Lounge: Asking For Help

DearSugar — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 10:00:00 -0700

Although being independent is great, if you happen to have a stubborn streak, your determination may hinder you from reaching out for help when you need it. For whatever reason, asking for help has become synonymous with not being tough enough, but I’ll be the first to say, that’s just not true. So if you’re one of those girls who has to do everything herself, read my tips for how to reach out for help when you really do need it when you read more.

Recognize that there’s nothing wrong with needing help. In fact, being able to acknowledge that you don’t know how to do something shows good judgment.
Try by yourself first, but know when to admit defeat. When you’re wasting time trying to do something that another person could have helped you accomplish already, then it’s time to reach out. You don’t want to wait until it’s too late.
Go out of your way to ask someone whom you feel comfortable with. Knowing that you won’t be judged for your question and that they won’t lead you astray can make all the difference in the world.
Make sure you know what you’re asking for. Most people are better at helping when they can advise on a specific problem.
And finally, once you make your big break and ask, don’t forget to say thank you.

Are you comfortable with asking for help?

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This or That: Weight Loss or Increased Sex Drive?

DearSugar — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 07:00:00 -0700

After working with your gynecologist to find a birth control method that’s better at preventing your terrible PMS and cramps, you’ve finally decided on one that sounds promising. And after taking it for only a few months, you notice some big changes, both good and bad. Would it be worse if . . .

This: Your PMS has totally disappeared along with 10 pounds, but so has your sex drive? You’ve never felt better about your body, but less in the mood.

Or . . .

That: You’ve got control of your cramps, and find yourself consistently in the mood to get frisky, but you’ve also packed on more weight than you're comfortable with? You've tried amping up the exercise, but it's not going away.

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Do Tell: What Part of Your Body Do You Like Best?

DearSugar — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 10:00:00 -0700

It seems like many of you have the same insecurity about your bodies that I do - my stomach, grr! Since we are so quick to self-deprecate, I'm back to turn the tables and talk about the things we do like about our bodies. It can be somewhat uncomfortable to toot your own horn, but go ahead, give yourself a confidence boost and tell me, what part of your body do you like the best?

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Do Tell: What Part of Your Body Are You Most Insecure About?

DearSugar — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 08:00:00 -0700

No matter how beautiful or perfect you may think someone is, I can almost guarantee that they have their own set of insecurities just like you and me. While the female body is a beautiful form no matter what shape or size, it's really all about the way you feel inside in regard to how you look on the outside. And even though it's commonly just in our heads, most women I know have at least one part of their body that they wish could be smaller, tighter, leaner, prettier, or just plain different from what it currently is. Sound familiar? If so, do tell, what part of your body are you most insecure about?

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You Asked: He Broke Off Our Engagement

DearSugar — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have been together almost two years and our relationship took off quickly. I am not a materialistic person, but he goes out of his way to pamper me and buy me things - I think he thinks it's what makes me happy. I've told him that all I need is his love, but he still continues to shower me with gifts. We have wonderful times together, we share the same sense of humor and I love him, but sometimes I feel like we aren't on the same page. Despite all that, we got engaged on our one year anniversary.

On my birthday, we had a little argument and completely out of the blue, he decided it wasn't going to work out with us, just two days before he made me promise to never leave him. I feel things really changed for us when we became engaged - his idea not mine - and he says he needs some time because he doesn't know how he feels. What am I supposed to do? I love him and I miss what I thought we had. Any suggestions? Taken Aback Tanya

To see DearSugar's answer read more.

Dear Taken Aback Tanya,

I don't blame you for being taken aback, I would be too, but it sounds like you two haven't been on the same page for quite some time. While that is no reason for him to spring a breakup on you out of the blue, it might have been a blessing in disguise.

His actions throughout your relationship make me think he's insecure, so could he have broken off the engagement because he thought you might beat him to the punch? From what you've told me, it sounds like you have been settling. While I don't doubt you miss him, I think you should ask yourself why you miss him. Is it because he provides for you or makes you feel safe, or is it because you are truly, madly in love with him? If your answer is the latter, I say fight for him but if it's the former, mourn this relationship as the loss that it is and move on so you can find someone you truly love. Good luck.

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You Asked: I Can't Control My Jealousy

DearSugar — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I am in a relationship with a wonderful guy and the only problem we have is me - I cannot control my jealousy. I take every look or stare he gives another woman as a demerit to myself, leaving me wondering why I'm not good enough. I know a look is just a look, but I can't help but take it personally. I end up silently holding a grudge until he makes me upset about something unrelated, then I bring it up again. I know I am being stupid and ridiculous, not to mention causing problems in my relationship, but I don't know how to be all right with it. He used to be the one in my shoes, driving me crazy and getting mad over the smallest glance that I'd give to someone else, yet he doesn't seem to understand how I feel. Please tell me how to pull myself together. - Overprotective Onnalee

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Overprotective Onnalee,

It sounds to me like your boyfriend planted some unhealthy fears into your head, which are now getting the best of you. All successful relationships should have a level of trust which outweighs any jealous tendencies, and it's pretty clear that you guys are lacking that variable. While some jealousy is perfectly normal in even the best relationships, picking your battles is crucial so it doesn't create too much bitterness or resentment.

Since you both bring a level of insecurity to the table, something tells me you, or both of you, have been cheated on in the past. Since he used to behave this way toward you, he has to understand how you feel, so have a heart-to-heart with him and talk it out in a calm setting, before a fight ensues. Holding a grudge and using past hurt feelings to prove a point will only create more distance, so if you can't get your jealousy under control on your own, I suggest talking to a therapist about it. As you know, being possessive and insecure can wreak havoc in any relationship, so hopefully you can gain a clear head and move on in your relationship.

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You Asked: I Can't Tell if He's Kidding!

DearSugar — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I recently met this guy who seems too good to be true. He's extremely attractive, exactly my type, intelligent, funny and single! We have been on a few dates but have only kissed. Everything seems to be going well, but one thing has been confusing/bothering me. Since one of our first dates, he has been making jokes and comments regarding having a small penis. I asked my friends about it and they figured he was just saying that because it is in fact big, and he wants to make me curious. He made another comment yesterday (probably his fifth) and I just couldn't take it anymore. I questioned him as to why he keeps talking about his small penis and asked if this was a normal joke topic among guys. He told me it wasn't a joke, it was in fact the truth. He said he'd rather I know now, before we have sex (which may happen in the near future) so I'm not surprised.

This attitude is confusing and totally unattractive. I don't know what to think - I've never dealt with a man with a small penis before and definitely not the insecurities that come along with it. I don't know how to react to his jokes, which continued immediately following our "talk." This is odd behavior to me and I'm wondering if this is a normal coping mechanism for guys lacking below the belt. What can I do to make him feel better about himself? - Perplexed Pam

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Perplexed Pam,

To be honest, I'm just as confused as you are! Since you're still in the getting-to-know-you phase, I would think that he'd be doing his best to show you all his good attributes, not wasting time cutting himself down. If he is in fact small, the only reason I'd think he'd continue to talk about it is that he's trying to lower your expectations so you're not disappointed when your relationship progresses to the next level.

I completely understand that his self-deprecating humor is both confusing and unattractive, so I think another little chat is in order. Tell him that talking about his penis size to soften the blow is actually doing the complete opposite. This is obviously an insecurity you cannot relate to, so keep reassuring him of your feelings and the next time he makes a jab at himself, try to stop him before he has a chance to finish. We all know the old saying, "It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean," so hopefully his size, whatever it truly is, won't be an issue when you two finally become intimate. Good luck.

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You Asked: Is He Trying to Tell Me Something?

DearSugar — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year now. When it came time to resign our leases last spring, we both did as we knew it was much too soon to live together. He is 27 and pretty much has his life together while I'm 22, have a ton of debt, and am contemplating going back to school.

This week my boyfriend told me that he is seriously considering buying a condo or an apartment. This news really scares me - does this mean we'll never get to live together? I don't really see myself moving into his house and paying his mortgage and it's really starting to stress me out. Am I overthinking this or should I just forget about cohabitation until we are actually considering buying a home together? - Insecure Indy

To see DearSugar's answer read more.

Dear Insecure Indy,

I think your reaction is completely normal but just because he's thinking about buying a home, it doesn't necessarily mean you're not being considered in the equation. You said you might be going back to school - would that mean you'd move away? Since your plans are still up in the air, I think it would be best if you talked to your boyfriend before jumping to any conclusions. Open up the lines of communication, let him know where your insecurities lie and make sure to tell him what you want out of this relationship.

Though many people feel it's ideal to get a place together instead of moving into one person's already established home when cohabiting, there is no right or wrong way. If you do end up moving into the place he buys, there are many ways you can divvy up the bills to make things fair. He could pay the mortgage while you pay the utilities and the groceries, or something alone those lines. It's also important to look at this realistically: just because he buys a condo or an apartment, it doesn't mean he's married to it for the rest of his life. Purchasing real estate is always a great investment so before you put labels on your relationship, talk to your boyfriend and make sure you're on the same page.

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You Asked: Does He Actually Love Me?

DearSugar — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have been going out for almost five months now and a few weeks back I said those three little words . . . and he didn't respond. While I wasn't expecting him to say it back, the actually reality that he didn't hurt me.

We talked about his reaction, or lack thereof, later, and he says that he feels the same way but is not comfortable saying it yet; he needs more time. In fact, he and his ex didn't exchange an "I love you" until about a year into the relationship. He feels like his actions should speak clearly, and in many ways they do, but I still can't help but feel insecure. I am not sure I can be with someone who can't tell me they love me. And I worry that maybe he doesn't really love me, but just doesn't want to lose me. How can I be sure he loves me if he won't say it?

- Looking For Love Linnie

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Looking For Love Linnie,

Unfortunately there aren't any guarantees in the game of love, and just as you can't be sure if your boyfriend's truthful when he says he has those feelings for you, there is no way to be positive that his feelings were real if he were to say "I love you;" hence, the saying that actions speak louder than words. And of your own admission, your boyfriend's actions make it clear that he cares about you very deeply. I can understand both your fears and your need to have him return the sentiment, but it might be too soon to assume that he won't be able to ever say this to you.

Just let it be for now. You can bring it up again in a while, but try not to let this become something you obsess about. Enjoy your relationship, and give your boyfriend the benefit of the doubt when he says that he needs more time. Perhaps uttering those three words is a very serious commitment to him that he doesn't take lightly, which isn't necessarily a bad thing.

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