TresSugar

Politicians, Narcissism and Cheating - Oh, My!

TresSugar — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 06:00:00 -0700

There's been no shortage of politicians in the news who cheated on their wives (Sanford, Spitzer, Clinton - we're talking about you), and the television show The Good Wife is even dramatizing this all-too-familiar story. Most social scientists and psychologists are not surprised; many of the traits that are required for political leadership are prevalent in narcissism: ambition, risk-taking, and charisma. You don't need to be a narcissist to be a political leader, but it doesn't hurt.

So what is narcissism exactly? We all have self-love on some level, but in the '80s, the American Psychiatric Association argued that it can become pathological enough to be considered a personality disorder. They claimed that one percent of the population has NPD (narcissistic personality disorder); it's since been revised by The Journal of Clinical Psychiatry, which said that 6.2 percent of the population has NPD. To find out about NPD, read more

According to the DSM-IV, here are the traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder:

"A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance
2. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty or ideal love (megalomania)
3. Believes they are 'special' and can only be understood by, or should associate with, people (or institutions) who are also 'special' or of high status
4. Requires excessive admiration
5. Has a sense of entitlement
6. Is interpersonally exploitative
7. Lacks empathy
8. Is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her
9. Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes"

Most of us will never date or marry a narcissistic politician, but some of us will have the misfortune to date narcissists, who have a tendency to cheat. "Infidelity," says Stanley Renshon, a political psychologist at City University of New York and who writes about psychology and political behavior, "is a byproduct of narcissism."

Do you know any narcissists or have you ever dated one?

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Sex Therapist Says: Go Ahead and Snoop on Him

TresSugar — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 12:00:00 -0700

In an ideal world, says sex therapist and relationship counselor Dr. Ian Kerner, partners in committed relationships wouldn't hide anything from each other nor be suspicious of the other's activities. But Internet infidelity is such a problem these days, he argues, that sometimes you are justified in snooping on your partner's online activity.

You might not find out that your partner's cheating on you in the real world, Dr. Kerner says, but he might be committing emotional infidelity - that is, confiding in someone of the opposite sex, flirting with her, or even sending sexual messages. Research has shown that men don't think about emotional infidelity the same way that women do (most of them think it's not as bad as sexual infidelity), but it is a drain on the relationship nevertheless. If you've ever been with someone who checked out from the relationship and was investing romantic attention elsewhere without technically cheating, you'll know what he's talking about!

So when should you take this taboo leap into treating the person you're supposedly closest to like a crime suspect? I'll tell you after the jump, but you tell me - do you think it's worth taking this step, or are suspicions sign enough that it's time to bail? To see Dr. Kerner's list of signs you might need to start snooping, read more

Does he spend too much time on the computer or other digital devices?
Is he comfortable leaving Facebook pages or emails open when he's not at the computer?
Does he keep in touch with exes or members of the opposite sex on social networking sites like Facebook? Does it make you feel uncomfortable, or do you feel like you should know more and you don't?
Does your partner give you other reasons to not trust him - like flirting with others a lot when you are out together?
Has the frequency with which you have sex decreased?
Does your gut tell you something's wrong?

Ask a Feminist: My BF's Texting My Friend – Should I Worry?

TresSugar — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 11:15:00 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. A Feminist, who answered a previous Conventional Wisdom column, is back to answer yet another "Am I paranoid or is he cheating on me?" question. You can submit questions here.

Today's Question:

I recently found out my boyfriend has been texting my friend behind my back. He says there's nothing going on and that she has a boyfriend. He doesn't live with me as he works away, but he texts and calls her more than he does me. When I confronted him, he just said she was giving him relationship advice but I don't know what to believe. He also lied about being at work one day and apparently stayed with one of his friends instead of being with our daughter and me. I don't know what to do. I'm so paranoid lately.

Signed, Worried.

To find out what a feminist has to say to Worried, read more

Hi Worried,

I'm sure you know the saying, "Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you." I say this not to make light of your situation, but to remind you that both your extreme suspicion and your boyfriend's inappropriate behavior could be going on simultaneously.

To begin with - I need more information about your situation. You have a child with this boyfriend. Was this a planned pregnancy? Are you both together for the sake of your child or do you truly want to be together? How old are you? Do you plan to get married? I ask this to get a sense of what your bond with your boyfriend is right now, as well as to see if ambivalence might be fueling his lies and strange lack of boundaries. From the way you describe his behavior and your lack of trust, I almost don't need answers to these other questions.

It goes without saying that without trust in a relationship, there's nothing. If you both have promised to be exclusive with one another, and your boyfriend begins to erode your trust in other areas, it makes sense you would begin to wonder if he's strayed from his fidelity or plans to.

Although I can't speculate on his fidelity to you, I can say your boyfriend, the father of your child, seems to lack a sense of propriety, or a sense of what appropriate behavior is. To text and call your female friend without your knowledge to talk about relationship issues is sketchy in the extreme. Whether he's counseling her or getting advice (what the heck could he be asking her or saying about you?!), seeking emotional intimacy with your friend is just weird. Is he trying to get "close" to her in other ways? I assume your friend told you he was doing this and with what frequency, given that you say he's calling and texting her more than he does you.

This is a problem, Worried. I would confront him. Make sure he understands why this feels like an emotional betrayal, tell him that you want him to talk to you about your relationship, and that he needs to stop texting and confiding in your friend. If you can, maybe you both can see a counselor together. The bottom line is, use common sense in deciding whether or not you can trust him going forward. I really believe we women should trust our guts about infidelity or its potential - we're almost never wrong.

Good luck!

Sunday Confessional - I Cheated

DearSugar — Sun, 05 Apr 2009 09:00:00 -0700

There's no way to sugarcoat this one - I cheated on my boyfriend of five years who I live with, with one of his best friends. I couldn't bear the lies anymore, so I told him the truth and begged for forgiveness, because I really do love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. When I owned up to my infidelity, he thanked me for preventing him from making the biggest mistake of his life. Apparently he had a ring for me and was planning on proposing in two weeks.

I am absolutely devastated. I've told him that I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make this relationship work, but I have no clue what he's thinking. Do you think my slip-up is forgivable?

Source

You Asked: Is He Cheating on Me?

DearSugar — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 12:30:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I got married last September and ever since then, my relationship with my husband has completely changed. He has been wanting to do more and more things without me and he is just simply not the same man I thought he was. I have seen large receipts from the ATM and he has no accountability for where this money has gone. I'm just baffled, and have been suspecting another woman.

I was surfing the web and came across a quiz about cheating spouses. It sounds exactly like my husband, and according to my results, it says that most likely he's cheating on me. My question is should I actually hire a private investigator to find out the truth? Or should I just let his behavior continue? We've only been married for six months and I don't know if I can live the rest of my life like this. - Being Deceived Dede

To see DearSugar's answer read more

Dear Being Deceived Dede,

I'm so terribly sorry that you're struggling with this, especially so soon into your marriage. Since you have no proof that your husband has been unfaithful, you're going to have to follow your female intuition, but instead of hiring a private investigator, I suggest you talk to him ASAP. Confront him and ask him outright if he's been with another woman. Don't accept any excuses, provide him with all the evidence you have, and try to be as rational as you can.

If he admits to your assumptions, you need to figure out how you want to proceed. This doesn't have to be a decision that's made overnight, but I agree with you, you should not have to live the rest of your life like this. When you take a marriage vow, it's assumed that both husband and wife will take that oath to heart, so if he's not living up to his end of the bargain, it might be a blessing in disguise that you found out sooner rather than later. I hope this is all a misunderstanding, but if it's not, continue to be strong and lean on your friends and family for support. Good luck to you.

Source

Dear Poll: Have You Ever Cheated?

DearSugar — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 15:00:00 -0800

When I asked you all what your cheating policy is, most of you alluded to being cheated on, but being unfaithful is not only a male mistake. While I'm sure this won't be one of your proudest admissions, tell me, have you ever been the one to cheat while in a relationship?

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Do Tell: What's Your Cheating Policy?

DearSugar — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 07:30:00 -0800

I polled you last Summer, asking if you've ever been cheated on, and unfortunately, 65 percent of you have experienced infidelity. Breaking trust in the relationship is what I've always considered to be the worst part, but deception of any kind is equally damaging.

While some people feel once a cheater, always a cheater, other aren't as black and white on the issue. Every relationship is unique and while people do make mistakes, do tell, what's your cheating policy?

Source

True Confession: I'm Turning a Blind Eye

DearSugar — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 08:00:00 -0700

Weigh in and tell us if you forgive or not forgive this True Confession.

"I give up, I think my husband cheated on me again, but there's no hard proof. If I turn a blind eye and let him get away with it, am I excusing his behavior? Fighting with him just takes too much out of me."

Source

DearSugar Needs Your Help: Should I Have Been More Honest?

DearSugar — Sat, 20 Sep 2008 09:00:00 -0700

DearSugar and Holding Back Betsy need your help. She cheated on her boyfriend, but when she came clean, she wasn't 100 percent truthful in her story. She's still guilt-ridden, so should she broach the subject one more time and get everything off her chest, or should she just let it go?

Dear Sugar,
My boyfriend and I have been together for about two and a half years. We graduated college around the one-year mark and returned back to our hometowns (about 45 minutes from one another). We both started working and got consumed by our daily schedules. My boyfriend decided to go to med school, and at that point spent many days and nights as a resident in his local hospital. Needless to say, there was very little time for one another. I was training for my new job as well, and I met a guy. We became friends quickly. We went out a few times with other employees and there was definitely a lot of flirting going on between us. It never amounted to anything until one night, he invited me over after a few drinks. We laid in his bed, cuddled, and eventually we kissed. I freaked out and went home before it could lead to anything else. This guy was incredibly persistent and it actually came to a point where I quit my job.

After that night, I felt disgusted with myself. I felt consumed with guilt and thought it was necessary to come clean to my boyfriend, but I wasn't 100 percent honest with my story. I told him that we were out one night and he kissed me. I explained that I felt something was missing in our relationship which led to this event and that we needed to make our relationship more of a priority if we wanted to make it work. To make a long story short, we moved on from this and are still together. The problem is that every now and then, the images from that night will reappear in my head. I am always afraid that my boyfriend and I will run into him somewhere and I won't know what to do. I know that honesty is the best policy, but in an effort to avoid hurt feelings, I thought sparing the details of that night was important. Did I do the right thing, or should I open up this chapter once again and be even more honest? Should I have handled this differently? - Holding Back Betsy

Source

True Confession - I Cheated and Liked It

DearSugar — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 07:00:00 -0700

Weigh in and tell us if you forgive or not forgive this True Confession.

"Yes, I cheated, and I'm glad I did. I finally got to be with a man that cares about me, rather than a man who just randomly talks to me about soccer and video games. I'd go back again in a heartbeat."

Source