TresSugar

DearSugar Needs Your Help: How Can I Find Myself?

DearSugar — Sat, 07 Mar 2009 09:00:00 -0800

DearSugar and Searching Sandra need your help. While in a five-year relationship, she lost track of the person she is and the woman she wants to become. Now that she and her boyfriend have split up, she wants to find herself, but she doesn't know how. Do you have any advice for her?

Dear Sugar,

My on-again, off-again boyfriend of five years broke up with me a few days ago. We’d had the same problems since the beginning of our relationship and we knew they were never going to get better - we just weren't right for each other. Part of the problem was instead of growing with him, I depended on him for happiness and didn’t bother to discover who I really was. I was never truly satisfied because I didn't know what I really wanted out of life. I know that only I can make myself truly happy, but I just don’t know how to get there. So my question is, how do you get to know yourself? What should I do to get the clarity I need to move on with my life as an independent woman? - Searching Sandra

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The How-To Lounge: Asking For Help

DearSugar — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 10:00:00 -0700

Although being independent is great, if you happen to have a stubborn streak, your determination may hinder you from reaching out for help when you need it. For whatever reason, asking for help has become synonymous with not being tough enough, but I’ll be the first to say, that’s just not true. So if you’re one of those girls who has to do everything herself, read my tips for how to reach out for help when you really do need it when you read more.

Recognize that there’s nothing wrong with needing help. In fact, being able to acknowledge that you don’t know how to do something shows good judgment.
Try by yourself first, but know when to admit defeat. When you’re wasting time trying to do something that another person could have helped you accomplish already, then it’s time to reach out. You don’t want to wait until it’s too late.
Go out of your way to ask someone whom you feel comfortable with. Knowing that you won’t be judged for your question and that they won’t lead you astray can make all the difference in the world.
Make sure you know what you’re asking for. Most people are better at helping when they can advise on a specific problem.
And finally, once you make your big break and ask, don’t forget to say thank you.

Are you comfortable with asking for help?

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Group Therapy: I Need to Find Myself

Sun, 31 Aug 2008 11:00:00 -0700

My boyfriend and I broke up for a short time about two weeks. Though it was brief, it forced me to look at myself and the person I have become. I focus a lot on my boyfriend and me as a team and never pay too much mind to myself as an individual. I don't have real hobbies and enjoy the time I spend with my boyfriend who seems to brighten up even the most boring situation. I know that while that's normal, finding things that are enjoyable that I can do alone may end up being a bit more healthy.

I am 22 years old, suffer from depression, but truly love life, and I don't want to continue wasting it and not thinking about myself and my happiness. After the short breakup, I was utterly heartbroken, and now I have this urgency to do something to make me happy, and not just depend on him for it. I am at a complete loss as to what to do, and I feel strange for that. I feel like what I am striving for - a hobby, independence, or happiness - is completely unattainable. Has anyone felt like this? What did you do to pull yourself together and start caring about you?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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Group Therapy: He's My World, but It's Driving Me Crazy

Fri, 18 Jul 2008 03:00:00 -0700

My boyfriend and I have been dating for roughly a year and a half. We both lived in the same student building when we met, so when we started dating I naturally began spending more and more time in his room, until I had "unofficially" moved in. At the end of term when it was time to look into finding a group of people to get a house with for the following year, it just seemed natural that he and I should live together - we reasoned that if we didn't live together one of us would wind up spending the majority of our time at the other's house.

Before I met him, I was a painfully shy person, and very nervous about starting my first year of college. As a result I wasn't able to meet anyone straight away. When we started dating he helped give me the confidence to come out of my shell, and I became friends with a lot of his friends. He also played a major part in helping me get through my actual schoolwork. Recently, now a year later, I've just been feeling stifled and having mixed feelings about the relationship, and I don't think it would be happening if we hadn't started living together.

I realize that I haven't accomplished anything on my own since college began. I met all my friends through him, and I live in our current house because of him. It seems likely that I passed my first year purely because I had his help. I appreciate what he's done for me, but I want to be my own person, and I have the confidence now to do so. On the one hand, life is good, and my boyfriend is great, but on the other hand, I'm only 20 and I want to see if I can make it on my own. Should I just accept that I have a good thing going and stick with it? Or try to branch out?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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Dear Quiz: Are You Independent?

DearSugar — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 11:00:00 -0700

Some women prefer company while others prefer solitude, but being around people isn't the only thing that defines a woman's independence. In fact, independence has a lot more to do with a woman's attitude then anything else so let's find out if you need to start working on stretching those wings.

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If you need help, do you ask for it?

Definitey, I'm not just going to struggle with something if someone else can do it.

I'll try it myself, but if I still can't manage on my own, I'll ask.

Unless it's an emergency I won't ask; I can usually tackle anything myself.

How do you plan your Saturday night?

Figure out what I want to do, and then do it!

Find out what all my friends are doing, and go along with their plans.

Think of something fun, and invite my friends to join in.

You're in a complete bind. Your car battery is dead and you need a ride to work. What do you do?

Hoof it, and plan on coming home and trying to fix it myself later.

Call my roommate, my mom, and my best friend to complain, while I wait for my boyfriend to pick me up.

Get a tow truck, take a cab to work, and ask my co-worker for a ride home.

When you're feeling down, how do you usually handle it?

I call all of my girlfriends and get them to cheer me up.

I usually wallow a little bit alone, and then call my BFF for a fun night in.

I just keep it to myself; it's my own drama anyways.

When it comes to work, what are your thoughts on group projects?

With the right team, I'm all about them!

I absolutely hate them; I don't want to have to rely on others.

I always prefer group projects; it takes the pressure off of me.

You Asked: I'm So Depressed

DearSugar — Wed, 17 Oct 2007 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I just graduated from high school this past May and am currently living from home, but since then, I feel like everything has gone downhill. Most of my friends have moved away to go to school and I still live at home. I attend an amazing university, but still, I can't help but feel depressed. I feel like I don’t even know who I am anymore. I'm not happy with what I’m doing with my life.

I just ended things with this guy who was extremely controlling and every other relationship I have been in has been just as bad and I feel like it’s me that’s causing it. I feel like I need a new change of pace. There is nothing here for me anymore.

I want to leave, but I love my family to death and the thought of leaving them and everything I know behind just breaks my heart. But at the same time, I just feel like the only way for me to move on with my life is to get away from all the things that are making me unhappy. Please help!

-Sad Sally

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more

Dear Sad Sally,

If you’re not happy with your life right now, you’ve got to figure out what’s making you feel that way, and change it. Since you just graduated high school, and your friends have moved away, I don’t blame you for feeling lonely and left behind. It's great that you like the school you’re going to, and you love living near your family, but do you love living with them? I’m thinking that part of your unhappiness must be that you’re struggling with wanting your independence and your own life, just like other women your age.

I know you love your family, and it’s really scary to think about leaving the comforts of home, but you don’t have to move far away per se. See whether your family can help you pay for rent so you can get a place of your own or think about getting a part-time job if you're not too busy with school work. Taking the plunge out of the nest will be the best thing for you. It’s a great experience to have your freedom. You’ll get to meet new people, grow as an individual, and learn a lot about yourself. You'll still get to see your family, but you'll be able to have your space from them too. I'm sure your parents will support your decision one hundred percent, and do what they can to help make it happen. Change is good for the soul, and it sounds as if it would be just the thing to give you a new attitude about life. Good luck, Sally.

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Dear Poll: Are you Attached at the Hip?

DearSugar — Wed, 08 Aug 2007 13:00:00 -0700

When you're in a relationship, do you like to do everything with your significant other? Do you like to exercise with him, go shopping with him, even sun bathe with him? Or do you like to be more independent -- would you rather come home at the end of the day with stories for him or surprise him with that new top you bought? Different strokes for different folks, so ladies tell me, do you like the constant closeness with your mate or do you prefer a little breathing room?

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Some Words of Wisdom

DearSugar — Wed, 11 Jul 2007 16:00:00 -0700

I just came across a wonderful poem whose commandments (if you will) struck a chord with me. I wanted to share it with all of you so just click here to read more

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
enough money within her control to move out
and rent a place of her own,
even if she never wants to or needs to...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
something perfect to wear if the employer,
or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a youth she's content to leave behind...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to
retelling it in her old age...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets her cry...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems,
and a recipe for a meal,
that will make her guests feel honored...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a feeling of control over her destiny...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to fall in love without losing herself...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to quit a job,
break up with a lover,
and confront a friend without;
ruining the friendship...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
when to try harder... and WHEN TO WALK AWAY...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that she can't change the length of her calves,
the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that her childhood may not have been perfect..but it's over...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
whom she can trust,
whom she can't,
and why she shouldn't take it personally...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
where to go...
be it to her best friend's kitchen table...
or a charming inn in the woods...
when her soul needs soothing...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she can and can't accomplish in a day...
a month...and a year...

-Author unknown
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You Asked: Am I Intimidating to Men?

DearSugar — Mon, 19 Mar 2007 13:31:00 -0700

DearSugar --
My friends tell me because I am successful, have my own money, etc., that I am intimidating to men, and thus why I can't find a date. I don't believe this! I am cool, very approachable and easy to talk to. I have several guy friends that at one time or another have wanted to "couple" but we never did. My point is, I am putting myself out there, available to date, but men seem to not be interested. Is this because I am successful? ~Confident Cassie

To see DearSugar's answer read more

Dear Confident Cassie --

Unfortunately, Confident Cassie, it's possible you're meeting men who are, indeed, intimidated by a successful woman. That said, the world is plenty full of men who find a woman's success and independence extremely attractive and desirable. It sounds as if you have some close male friends; perhaps it would make sense to ask them what they think. How do they feel about your success or successful women in general? How about their friends?

Sometimes, we're not aware of how we're experienced by others; in fact, we can be downright unapproachable without even know it. Ask your guy friends how you come across when first meeting people. Are you projecting openness and curiosity? I'm not super warm and fuzzy at first glance: I'm an introvert, a bit shy, and a little reserved until I know you. It takes a particular kind of person, man or woman, to observe these initial qualities without misinterpreting them. Luckily, I'm also good at meeting and valuing that 'particular kind of person'. Know yourself this way, Cassie. Accept it and work with it.

What kind of man appeals to you? Are you going places where they hang out? If so, check in with yourself about conversation. Are you talking at length about your success or your job? Most of us don't dig this with the fellas, so be aware of how much you discuss your intelligence and success. I'm not suggesting you hide your light under a bushel, I'm just saying there are a lot of things that make you a valuable and interesting woman; be sure you don't minimize other qualities and virtues.

You might check out Why You're Still Single: Things Your Friends Would Tell You If You Promised Not To Get Mad. It's irreverent, illuminating, helpful and full of good, common sense. Co-written by a man and a woman, the alternating points of view make for very interesting reading. Check it out here.
It might also be worthwhile to put this question to Brad Sawyer, who offers relationship advice for women from a guy's point of view. You never know, he might have something very fresh to offer.

Practice patience, know what kind of man you're looking for, and reflect a little on the interpersonal stuff, Cassie. I feel quite confident that you just haven't met your match yet. Keep putting yourself out there and being open, and one day you'll have your confidence, your career, and a man who loves you for you.

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Fighting the New American Revolution - Energy Independence

CitizenSugar — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 03:00:26 -0700

The US is gearing up to celebrate Independence Day, the day when citizens vowed to fight against crushing taxes, inflation, and a rising price of necessities - Americans took a stand then against tyranny, and fought. Now as the country picnics and watches fireworks to commemorate that fight, is the situation any different?

Taxes, inflation, cost of necessities - what was once tea, is now Texas Tea - oil, all factors point to another fight. Is energy the new American Revolution? In this new battle for independence, are citizens willing to sacrifice to win freedom from the tyrannous and costly addiction we have to standard forms of energy?

John McCain's plan for a modern energy revolution takes that parallel seriously - he's dubbed his energy revolution the "Lexington Project," named for the town where, according to his speech last week, "Americans asserted their independence once before." To see the battle plan for energy independence, read more.

McCain's Lexington Project includes:

Expanding Domestic Oil And Natural Gas Exploration And Production: "John McCain believes it is time for the federal government to lift these restrictions and to put our own reserves to use. There is no easier or more direct way to prove to the world that we will no longer be subject to the whims of others than to expand our production capabilities."
Taking Action Now To Break Our Dependency On Foreign Oil By Reforming Our Transportation Sector: Which includes innovation incentives like his Clean Car Challenge.

Investing In Clean, Alternative Sources Of Energy: The plan commits $2 billion annually to clean coal technologies and 45 new nuclear power plants by 2030.
Protecting Our Environment By Addressing Climate Change: Basically this: "A climate cap-and-trade mechanism would set a limit on greenhouse gas emissions and allow entities to buy and sell rights to emit, similar to the successful acid rain trading program of the early 1990s."
Promoting Energy Efficiency: By making the federal government conserve too - since they are the largest electricity consumer on the planet.
Addressing Speculative Pricing Of Oil: No Carter-inspired windfall profits tax and strict policing on energy market-wagering abuses.

Will this do it? Is the US headed into a new revolution? Is the US ready to wage a war for energy independence? Is it time for a Boston SUV party?

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