TresSugar

Paul Rudd Busts a Few Moves

GiggleSugar — Fri, 16 May 2008 03:00:00 -0700

If you've never heard of the film I Could Never Be Your Woman, you're in good company. I don't know if it's worth watching in full, but I sure enjoyed this clip of Paul Rudd showing off for his date, Michelle Pfeiffer. He moves through virtually every corny dance that ever existed, from the two-step to some weird Broadway shuffle. I love a man who can dance, but I really love a man who doesn't mind making a fool out of himself. (Next to Mark Ruffalo, is there any cuter guy in Hollywood?)

Ask an Older Woman: Help! My Friend's With a Married Man

TresSugar — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 06:00:00 -0800

Today's question: One of my good friends has been seeing a married man for about a year. He also just happens to be her boss. When we get together, she bombards me with the details of their relationship. He tells her he's never been happier, and that he'll leave his wife for her soon (yeah, we've heard that one before!) and she seems to believe him. My problem with this whole thing is that not only am I sick of listening to her, and of course could tell her so, but I've lost respect for her. Is it wrong to break up with a friend who's doing things I find morally reprehensible? Is there anything I can do to get through to her that what she is doing is horrible for her, not to mention this man's wife?

Signed, Confused Friend.

To hear what an older woman has to say, read more
Dear Confused Friend,

Ahh, the folly of youth. For every bad relationship I bored my friends with, I in turn listened to details about men (or women) they were with who didn't deserve them. It's part of being a friend.

My best advice to you is to be honest with your friend. You don't mention if you've told her how you feel, or if you did, how she reacted. If you haven't, now is the time to start. Tell her you care about her, but you think that contributing to cheating is morally messed up, and that in the end she's probably just going to get hurt. (I guess "the other woman" sometimes ends up with the guy, but who wants to end up with a cheater?) Also, sleeping with your married boss? Pretty dumb. Do other people in her office know? This is not good for her professional life either. I'd tell her that, too, although it's hard to imagine an adult who doesn't know this.

If you really like this friend and this is the only thing she's done that makes you question her character, ride it out and hope she comes to her senses. There's only so much advice we can give people. If you've told her how you feel and she continues with this affair, that's her decision. If she steers you toward this topic when you hang out, just let her know you don't feel comfortable listening to it anymore.

Sometimes, though, if friends do sketchy things, those acts are a window into the rest of their sketchy selves. I had a friend who not only cheated on her husband once, but throughout their marriage, and I began to notice that her behavior towards him mirrored her behavior towards me and everyone else. She was selfish, narcissistic and unable to ever admit fault. We'd had fun partying together when we were younger, but as we grew older, I realized I needed to respect my friends. After a blowout fight when she said horrible things to me, I took it as my cue to get out, and I dumped her.

You're in a tricky situation, but honesty is the best policy. If you can't be honest with her, maybe you aren't really great friends to begin with, in which case slowly turning down her invitations to hang out and discuss him should send her a message. Good luck!

Rape Victim Denied Healthcare For Taking Anti-AIDS Drug

TresSugar — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 13:00:00 -0700

I'll admit that I didn't know anything about the anti-AIDS medication given to rape victims until someone I know had to take it. The preventative drug cocktail, which must be started within 72 hours of exposure and taken over 28 days, is given as emergency treatment to people who might have been exposed to the HIV virus, often victims of rape.

Thanks to the debate raging over healthcare reform, it has come out that health insurance companies deny patients health insurance because they took the medication. At least that's what happened to Christina Turner. After being drugged by two strangers, Christina had physical injuries indicating that she had probably been sexually assaulted. Her doctor prescribed her the anti-AIDS medication, but she soon found out that taking it made her uninsurable. When she lost her coverage for an unrelated reason, Christina went out to purchase a new policy. Insurance companies examined her health records and found the anti-AIDS prescription. They told her that it raised too many health questions, and that she might be able to come back for coverage in a few years if she could prove she was AIDS free. They didn't seem to care that Christina had never contracted HIV.

It horrifies me that a woman who has been a victim of sexual assault can have that tragic experience held against her by health insurance companies. And I also can't help but think of what Christina's story means for people who are actually HIV positive. If Christina was penalized for merely taking this medication, it surely must be harder to get coverage if you are already living with the disease. What is your reaction to all of this?

Ask a Woman Unwilling to Settle: My Boyfriend Calls Me Names

TresSugar — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. If you have a question you'd like answered on Conventional Wisdom, you can submit it here.

This week, a woman unwilling to settle shares her wisdom with a distraught woman who's sick of her boyfriend calling her cruel names. October is domestic violence awareness month. Remember, just because he's not punching you in the face doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Verbal abuse is still abuse.

This week's question:

"Every time my boyfriend gets angry, I get called names. 'Bitch' is the most often one thrown at me. I have told him so many times that it hurts me but he says it's only words. Sometimes he doesn't even apologize. Yesterday, he told me a story about his friend. I told him that I had a headache. He started shouting and telling me that I just wasn't interested, that I was rude. I wanted him to shut up. He called me a bitch again! He always tells me that he would never call me anything if I didn't make him by behaving like an idiot. Once he called me pathetic. I told him I didn't like that and he said at least he didn't call me a bitch. I'm sick and tired of explaining how wrong he is. He thinks he knows better. Please help!"

Signed,

In Pain

To hear what a woman unwilling to settle thinks about this situation, read more

Dear In Pain:

GET OUT. DUMP HIM. MOVE ON. LET GO. LEAVE. DROP HIM!

The simple truth is that your boyfriend does not respect you and he certainly doesn’t value you, your feelings, or your relationship. He is literally shouting this at you. And it’s time for you to hear him, loud and clear.

I realize it’s easy to become confused in matters of the heart. But at the core of any meaningful, loving, long-lasting relationship is always going to be respect. (Trust Aretha to say it like it is!) Without that, you’ve got nothing. And that is exactly what you’ve got right now-nothing.

Your boyfriend doesn’t have the maturity, self-awareness, or emotional development to be the man you want or to offer you the relationship you deserve. (Or at least I presume you expect something more, since you’ve taken the time to write in!)

You are only fooling yourself if you think this guy is going to change. And while you continue to endure his demeaning comments and cruel behavior, you could be out there enjoying the world, meeting new people, and building a life and relationships to be proud of. What are you waiting for?

Take that next step! Show yourself a little respect and leave him and his drama behind you. And while you’re at it, ask yourself one very simple question: why are you in this situation to begin with? If you take the time to sort out your head now, you’ll spare yourself the heartache and disappointment of repeating the same pattern in the future. And at that point you'll be free to meet someone worthy of your time and your heart. Stop being so afraid to take responsibility for your own happiness and make the change now!

Source

Comments du Jour: TrèsSugar Readers Reach Out

TresSugar — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 19:47:25 -0700

Yesterday's post asking you if anyone had ever made a comment about your looks you never forgot generated a flood of awful memories, reminding us all how tough it is to be a girl sometimes in a looks-obsessed world. A few readers reached out to give their fellow commenters some reassurance and kind words; here are just three examples and I suggest that everyone takes them to heart!

"These comments are so sad. I wish I could just make us all forget these awful comments and be happy." - janneth

"I just want to give all of the other posters a huge hug!!! I know all of the terrible things that have been said to you are LIES." - lawchick

"These posts make me so sad! Women are amazing and beautiful and sexy and every other good adjective you can think of! My Grandma once made a comment, very loudly and in front of my entire family, 'Stephanie, how many cookies have you had?' I was incredibly embarrassed. Thankfully, I married a man who likes a woman with a little 'junk in the trunk' and I have a pretty good body image. Plus, having two daughters that are so in love with their bodies has really put me in a good place with my body!" - doogirl

Hump Day: I'm Curious but Nervous About Back Door Action

TresSugar — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 07:00:00 -0700

Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's sex advice column. Are you confused about sex? Do you have trouble having an orgasm? Is there something you'd like to try but you're worried it's too weird? Send your questions to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!

Today's Question:

“I’m curious about having anal sex with my boyfriend, but I’ve had unpleasant experiences in the past. Any tips?” To hear what Dr. Glickman has to say, read more

I’ve noticed an increase in questions about anal play over the last few years, and while I think it’s great that more people are discovering new ways to experience pleasure, anal play isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. Many people don’t enjoy it at all and unfortunately, some guys have a tendency to pressure their partners into doing it. Quite a few women report that their boyfriends have seen so much anal in porn that they’re convinced that every woman wants it. But sex in porn is like a car chase in an action movie. There’s a lot that happens behind the scenes that you don’t see in order to create the illusion that shows up on the screen; in the case of anal sex - lots of lube and warming up.

For some women, anal play (note: not just anal sex) heightens their orgasms. First, the anus is very sensitive and packed with nerve endings. Second, its muscles are connected to the rest of the pelvic muscles and contract along with the vagina during orgasm. Third, there are people who enjoy the experience of doing something naughty or taboo.

So now that we have that taken care of, there are three ingredients to hot anal play: relaxation, lubrication, and communication. Let’s take them one at a time.

Relaxation: the anus is made up of two rings of muscles and they’re under both voluntary and involuntary control. With practice, you can learn to increase how much control you have over your ability to relax. And ironically, if you’re nervous about anal play hurting or not being fun, it can make the anus get tighter, which makes it more likely to be unpleasant.

The best way to get started is to go slowly and start small. Try a little external pleasure with a finger or a slim vibrator. If you’re concerned about keeping things clean, slip on a glove. Experiment with tightening the anus and bearing down - you’ll be able to feel it contract and relax.

If you want to try penetration, go slowly and use lots of lube (either water-based or silicone-based, which doesn't dry out as easily but is harder to clean off). You’ll probably enjoy it more if you’re also doing something that you enjoy such as using a vibrator. Lots of women report that anal play on its own isn’t nearly as much fun as when it’s an add-on.

Communication: the anus is a delicate part of the body and it’s easy to get too rough with it. It’s super-important to be able to tell your partner when things are uncomfortable, if you need more lube, or if you want to try something else. For that matter, it’s important to be able to say something if you’re not enjoying it, or if you’re experiencing any pain. And if your partner is pressuring you to do something that you don’t want to do, that’s a big red flag!

Important safety tips: any toys that you use for anal play need to be smooth, have a base, and ideally made of easy-to-clean silicone. Since the anus is so much more delicate than the vagina, it’s easy for toys with bumps and ridges to cause discomfort. (If you have a porous rubber toy or you’re not sure if it's made of silicone, cover it with a condom.) And NEVER put anything that has been used anally inside the vagina - that’s a great way to give yourself an unpleasant infection. Lastly, if your toy doesn’t have a base, there’s a chance that it could go all the way in and not come back out. That can mean a trip to the emergency room.

If you’re looking for more info, here are some great places to start. For books, I'd recommend Anal Pleasure & Health and The Ultimate Guide To Anal Sex For Women. For DVDs, Tristan Taormino's Expert Guide to Anal Sex and Anal Massage For Lovers are great.

I hope that helps! Email the folks at TrèsSugar if you have more sex questions. I’d love to hear from you.

Ask Someone Dealing With Depression: Should I Be Mad at My Friend For Telling People I'm Depressed?

TresSugar — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. This week, someone who deals with depression gives advice to a woman who is mad at her friend for telling people in her circle that she is depressed. If you have a question, you can submit them here.

This week's question:

I shared my struggles with depression with my closest female friend and told her that I did not want anyone else to know about it. She decided that because I wasn't answering her calls she would call the wife of a leader in our church and ask her for my husband's cell phone number so she could call him, asking about me. My "best friend" told the woman that I was going through something serious and when the woman said, "At least she's not seeking outside help" my friend said, "Well, I don't know for sure if she is or isn't."

Why else would she call her and say those things unless her intentions were to let her know about my situation and to inform her I "might" be seeking outside help for my depression? I found out about this conversation from the leader's wife and she only admitted to it after she knew that I knew about it. She insists that she only had my good in mind.

The thing is, it was a really huge deal to me that these people not be in on it because I know that they would attack me for being depressed in the first place, and also if I sought help outside of the church. The last thing I needed at that time was some church discipline. I was really suffering! I am so mad at my best friend for saying anything; should I forgive her?

Signed,

Angry and Depressed

To hear what someone dealing with depression has to say, read more.

Dear Angry and Depressed,

There seem to be three related but separate issues here: one is your anger at your friend, the second is the question of how your church is handling this, and the third is how to actually manage your struggle with depression.

As someone who has been through a lot with both depression and anxiety, I empathize with your situation. Depression hurts. As for your friend, I think you need to assess who this friend is to you, and whether she reached out to others because she was simply worried and didn't know how to handle it. While the outcome might have been a problem, if she did it out of legitimate concern I think she may be a real friend who just handled things badly because she cares and was confused about what to do.

My major concern with what you have said is that your church community thinks there is something wrong with getting outside help. Admittedly, I am not religious and have never belonged to a church, but I strongly feel that a community of any kind that is truly concerned with one of their members' well-being will support them in what they need, and not be judgmental about what that support might be. I think it would be worth explaining to your friend that what she might have considered finding you support actually feels like discipline, and that she needs to be more sensitive to what you need.

Finally there is the question of your depression itself. I do not want to assume you are in a situation where professional help from a therapist or doctor would be appropriate, but severe depression is something you need to talk to a professional about. If you feel like you are not getting help from your friends, family, or church, you're taking care of yourself by asking for outside help. Doctors are legally required to respect your privacy, and you could ask if they would refer you to a therapist.

Far more people struggle with depression than we can imagine when we are sitting alone with our thoughts, and there is support out there for you. You may just have been going through a rough patch and not need anything further, but depression is too serious a condition not to explore your options. Don't be discouraged if it doesn't seem like you can't find the right person to help you right away, but there are also lots of great people out there who can help. As for your friend, tell her how her action made you feel, give her the benefit of the doubt, and seek some relief for your pain from professionals. Good luck!

Ask a High School Principal: I'm Not Sure About Kids

TresSugar — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 08:00:43 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. This week, a high school principal offers his advice to a woman hesitant about motherhood. If you want to throw your hat into the ring, you can submit questions here.

This week's question:

I don't know if I want to have any kids. My boyfriend does. He'd like to start a family by the time he's thirty (in about five years). I know I don't want any children at this time. I guess I've always thought I'd have kids eventually. Sometimes I like the idea, but what if the desire for motherhood never really kicks in? I can't have a baby and think, "Oh wait, I don't really want this anymore." I don't want to resent my child, or my husband. How am I supposed to commit totally to a relationship when I don't know if we have the same goals for the future? Should I be worried about this now?

Signed, Confused About Kids

To see the high school principal's answer, read more.

Dear Confused About Kids,

During my 30 years in education I have watched the lives of young people unfold in unique and unexpected ways. While much time has passed since high school, your early twenties are still a formative stage of your life and career. You should feel good about what you are struggling with, for it is a sign of maturity and emotional depth. However, before you jump in and tackle the idea of having children with your boyfriend, you might want to take on a broader discussion of where you are in your relationship.

There are many issues to ponder, so I suggest you do a little homework. And as is true with school, there are fun ways to learn. To further understand each others' intimate thoughts, you could play a game over dinner asking each other questions like, "If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?" If either of you are from a large family, chat about how things might have been different if you or he were an only child. You could also ask each other to describe the ideal vacation. If he says it is a two week camping trip in the mountains and you are a sun and sand kind of girl, you better start talking. A little game like this could lead to a deeper discussion about the future and help you both decide if you are meant to live your lives together.

You certainly don’t have to come to a decision now about children, but if you harbor strong feelings on the subject you owe it to your boyfriend to express how you feel; you must come to some understanding before moving forward with your relationship. Good luck!

Signed, A High School Principal

Ask a Rambling Storyteller: How Do I Get Out of My Rut?

TresSugar — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. This week, a rambling storyteller advises a woman who is in a major life rut. Want to throw your hat into the ring? You can submit questions here.

Today's Question:

I'm in a rut. But it's worse than that, I'm stuck because I realized that I have no goals. I am 30-years-old and in my twenties two things happened. The first thing is that I worked dang hard to get two university degrees. I picked a field that I did well in academically (journalism), but when I entered the work force I realized I couldn't hack the competitive atmosphere and the lack of creativity. The second thing that happened was that I got sick. I was diagnosed with a painful autoimmune disease that left me in pain and frequently bedridden.

When I was sick I was miserable, but the drug that I was prescribed made me CRAZY. And it made me gain weight. I was depressed and anxious and didn't want to see friends or family, I felt like a loser because I didn't want to see anyone, didn't feel attractive, and felt like a failure because I gave up stressful journalism for a super boring marketing job. So fast-forward a couple of years to today.

Today, I'm healthy. I'm off the prescription that made me nutty. My mood is great. I feel more like myself than I have in YEARS. But the thing is . . . I've spent so much time with my health as my number one priority that everything else has been stagnating. I'm in a job that I find boring, I still have friends - but now that I've poked my head out of the sand I'm feeling out of step, especially as many are now in serious relationships and have seriously good careers. I feel like I'm behind, but the thing is I don't know what to do. I'm drifting, and I'm starting to get anxious! Can anybody help me figure out how to get my confidence back and get a plan together?

Signed, In a Rut

To hear what a Rambling Storyteller has to say, read more

Hi In a Rut:

The answer to your problem lies at Ponderosa. Stay with me. I want you to picture yourself at Ponderosa. You go there because everyone says steak is very delicious, and you like delicious things, so you’ve been planning to order a T-bone. In fact, you have been preparing to eat a steak for so long that you’re sweating A-1. So you go to the restaurant, but then you realize that - oh crap! - someone has pickpocketed your wallet. So you chase the crook, and it’s exhausting, but you finally nab her and get your wallet back.

With that ordeal over, you want to sit down, but a bunch of other customers have snagged tables - and most of them are already on to dessert, those jerks. FINALLY you get a table and order the steak you’ve been craving. But when it comes out, it looks like braised mouse and tastes like a sweaty toupee. You stare at it and think, “Ugh, I don’t want this at all.”

Now, is it your fault that you were delayed by a stickyfingered crook? Or that the tables were filled by customers who started eating way before you did? Or that it turns out that steak isn’t delicious to you? I bet you can easily realize that no, none of this is your fault. So why are you being so hard on the Ponderosa that is your life?

Let’s review what you’ve told me: You were diagnosed with a painful disease, and the recovery process was not easy. Yet you managed to triumph. You thought you wanted to be the next Helen Thomas, but actually, you don’t, and that’s okay. How about giving yourself some compassion and credit for being handed more to deal with than most and handling it well? Of course other people are doing other things with their personal lives and careers. That’s because they’re not you. They didn’t beat back a disease, and they didn’t realize that they want to do a different kind of work. Different situations, different places in life, so ditch this “I’m behind” talk.

If you keep comparing yourself to others, you will never be satisfied. Ever. Stop doing that and start living each day like you’re going to kick ass - because, honestly, you’ve been given a second chance at a healthy life, and you’ll thrive by focusing on the opportunities ahead of you rather than ones you’ve missed in the past.

So, how do you regain your confidence and get going again? Whenever you start comparing yourself to others, stop those thoughts in their tracks and remind yourself that you’re on your own path. Focus on your personal situation, your experiences, and your goals. Start with what you do know: You don’t want to be a journalist, and you don’t want to do the snoozeville job you’re doing. So what things interest you? What is your passion? Could you add some volunteer work to your schedule, take a class somewhere, or otherwise follow what you like to do? Doing that will help you figure out what to do for work, and it’s bound to boost your confidence and self-esteem. That, in turn, will help you get ready for a great relationship when it happens.

Going back to the Ponderosa allusion, you might not want steak, but hey, look, there’s a huge all-you-can-eat salad bar! Approach the salad bar of life, dear reader. Sample a little of this, a little of that, and you’ll start figuring out what does taste good to you. (Just stay away from the croutons. Stale bread helps nobody.)

Signed,

A Rambling Storyteller

Racial Preferences in Dating: Fetishism or Not a Big Deal?

TresSugar — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 12:00:00 -0700

We all have our physical preferences when it comes to finding a romantic partner. Some women want men to be tall, broad shouldered, and dark haired. Men may want a big-breasted blonde. We objectify those we find attractive to some extent, but what are the implications of preferring someone of a different race?

After reading an article a friend sent me, A White Woman Explains Why She Prefers Black Men, I realized that there's a big implication: the desire could be based on racial assumptions and stereotypes that, just because they're "positive," don't make them any less pernicious, objectifying, or, to put it bluntly, racist. Want to find out about racial fetishism? Then read more.

Whether you have "jungle fever" or "yellow fever" (you date blacks or Asians exclusively), you would be described, in the parlance of the day, as having a "fetish." One thoughtful person has explained a fetish this way:

Sexual fetishism in general is the sexual attraction to something which is not in itself a sexual object, such as feet or leather. Sexually fetishizing a person or group of people however means reducing them to objects, important only in their sexual function or interest to the fetishizer. Race fetishization means effectively reducing all members of a racial group to a monolithic whole, only valued in terms of their racial stereotypes. You are hearing racial fetishization when people talk about how black men have big penises, Asian women are exotic and submissive . . . just because a stereotyped characteristic is a "good" characteristic, that doesn't mean it's not racist.

So how does our White Woman (who is also a sex columnist) Who Prefers Black Men rate on the racial fetishizer scale? She's off the charts, a textbook case. Here are some salient bits from her essay.

That phrase, "Once you go black, you never go back'" is all about the feeling of the skin . . . Black men have more energy, style and edge than white men . . . something white guys don't have anymore: confidence in their masculinity, their sexuality . . . I am sure there must be some black men who aren't good in bed. Personally, I have not experienced one who isn't . . . They look better than white men, they touch and kiss and make love better than white men. Statistically, their penises are only a fraction of an inch bigger on average, but they seem bigger and harder . . .

Obviously, this white woman likes black men - a lot. It's all about sexualizing them, though, reducing all of them to their skin, to their presumed sexual prowess, their instinctual energy and innate masculinity. If racism is about assuming things about people based on their physical traits, how is this not racism? More disturbingly, her desire, conscious or not, participates in the kind of sexualization of black men that once justified their persecution and even murder.

So what to do about these nonpolitically correct desires? Censor them? Pretend they don't exist? One of my favorite sex columnists, Dan Savage from Savage Love, provides some intelligent advice. He never argues that we should police our desires, just that we be aware of where they're coming from and what they could mean in how we treat our partners. "There's nothing wrong," he tells one person seeking advice who has a fantasy of having a black man have sex with his wife, "with treating someone like a piece of meat during sex . . . some people enjoy being treated like pieces of meat . . . Consent is . . . always and everywhere the magic ingredient . . . As long as you understand the cultural forces that shaped your fantasy . . . there's nothing unethical about realizing your fantasy."

One wonders if these black men who Susan Bakos hooks up with know that she views them all the same way. (One wonders if she thinks viewing them this way is problematic at all.) The heart may want what it wants, Woody Allen said euphemistically about hooking up with his adopted daughter, but that desire can have ripple effects far beyond the couple in question, particularly when one woman's desire is presented, without any qualms or self-questioning, in an essay many people will read.