TresSugar

Four Steps For Handling Hurtful Comments

DearSugar — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 15:00:00 -0700

There's nothing as rude and hurtful as a critical comment dressed as praise or a joke. The truth is no matter how they're brushed off, you know when someone's said something to intentionally put you down. Anger and embarrassment are natural reactions, but an article from November's O magazine offers some more productive ways of countering rude comments. I've summed up the four principles it mentions, so to see them just read more.

Find your emotional balance. In order for a verbal attack to be effective, the person being insulted has to be vulnerable. If you feel good about yourself, you'll recognize the attack as a character flaw in the person throwing it and not yourself.
Do what you can to get mean people out of your life. People who intentionally say something hurtful are not nice and by being around those people you're only opening yourself up to their cruel behavior.
If there's no way to get away from someone like this, then you have to learn how to properly defend yourself. The article offers three techniques as follows:
- Give a direct response to acknowledge that a comment is rude and to stop it in its tracks. For instance, "That was mean. Please stop."
- Don't get defensive - concede the truth in their words, but ignore their negative behavior completely. For example, if someone says something about how awful you look, you might respond with, "I'm tired today. How have you been?"
- Rudeness seeks to make others feel child-like and weak, so counter a biting statement with the tone of a reprimanding parent, like "If you have nothing nice to say, please don't say anything at all."
Changing your reaction to backhanded compliments and rude observations takes time, but the more you practice the more natural it will feel.

I found these strategies helpful, but I know everyone has their own ways of dealing with these situations. How do you react when someone makes a comment you know is meant to be to be critical and put you down?

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Sunday Confessional: I Hurt Her, But She Won't Let It Go

DearSugar — Sun, 19 Oct 2008 09:00:00 -0700

About two years ago, I entered a bleak time in my life and fell into a depression. Fortunately, I was able to make it through, and I feel much stronger today. However, at the time it was difficult to just leave the house, and I really distanced myself from many of my friends. In fact, one of my closest friends was going through her own struggles, dealing with a terrible breakup and the loss of a grandparent. More than once she called me crying and I failed to return the call, too lost in my sadness.

In the midst of this, it was also her birthday and she begged me to come out with her. With much trepidation, I said yes, but when the day finally rolled around, I totally flaked. Needless to say, that was her last straw. She wrote me an email basically telling me that she was sorry I was unhappy but there was no excuse for my behavior. That email as well as some other incidents forced me to see things differently, and with the help of my therapist, I was able to start putting my life back together. Eight months ago I reconciled with my friend. I told her I was so regretful of the pain I caused her, and though it took some talking, we worked it out.

But since then she's been very passive aggressive with me. She often won't call me back. And when I ask, she says, "Now you know how it feels." And she's always quick to remind me of how I hurt her, and even puts me down. She's such a good person, but she seems to have these bursts of anger towards me. I take full responsibility for what I did, and I was even willing to put up with this to some extent, but two years after the fact, it's getting old. I don't feel like this is warranted, but maybe I'm wrong. Do you think I deserve this? Or is it time for me to be forgiven?

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Do Tell: Have You Ever Been Used?

DearSugar — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 12:00:00 -0700

I’ve been fortunate enough to build a strong group of friends over the years, but in the process, I’ve encountered my fair share of people who were only out for their own gain. Of course as I’ve gotten older, it’s rare that I find myself in the position of being used by someone, but I’d be lying if I said it’s never happened before. And it’s always an unpleasant realization. Have you ever realized that someone was using you?

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You Asked: Am I Just Insecure?

DearSugar — Mon, 12 Mar 2007 12:00:00 -0700

DearSugar --

I am 33 years old and my boyfriend is 25. He's a very good young man but for some reason I can't seem to trust him. I feel as if he's hiding stuff from me. When we go out together it's always a disaster because he's looking at other women. Not just looking but loookking! He says it's nothing but I feel so funny. I love him but sometimes I feel I should let him go. Maybe there's no future because he's so young.

All his friends have 8- to 10-year relationships. When he broke up with his first love he was very hurt. And after 4years when I came along I had to tell him it was inappropriate to talk to her anymore. He stopped for a while, but when we had arguments, I think he started to talk to her again. Keep in mind she's married with 2 kids.

Even so, I have no proof of all the things I'm saying. But I just can't trust him. He says the strangest things to me about sleeping with younger women when I get old and it hurts, but he thinks it's funny. Should I get out while it's early? It's only 1 year so far. Help! ~ Uneasy Evelyn

To see DEARSUGAR's answer read more

Dear Uneasy Evelyn --

I don't know which came first, your insecurity or your boyfriend's behavior, and I'm not sure it matters in this case. From what you've described, one couldn't help but feel unsure and uncomfortable about this relationship, as he seems to have no idea what's appropriate or loving. Staring at other women is not alright. Talking about other women in sexual ways is not alright. You can't trust him because his behavior suggests he has very little regard for how you feel, which means there's no way to know what he will or won't do.

I'm very, very glad you're asking these questions, Evelyn. I wish I could say it's his age that limits your future with him, but I fear it's his attitude that's the problem. A healthy relationship is one in which there is mutual physical and emotional safety, honesty, enjoyment, respect and acceptance.

I encourage you to think long and hard about what you want in a man, what his qualities and virtues should be. Decide for yourself what is and isn't acceptable to you, and make those things clear to anyone you become involved with. Ask yourself how you want to be loved, and be true to how you answer that question, Evelyn. There is someone out there who will be good to you, someone you can trust; please don't settle for anything else.

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You Asked: Is Sex Supposed to Hurt in the Beginning?

DearSugar — Wed, 12 Sep 2007 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar--

I just recently lost my virginity and my first time hurt a lot. I thought things would get easier after that but my boyfriend and I are still having difficulties. The subsequent 4 or 5 times we've tried having sex since have all ended up with me telling him to stop because it hurt so much. I always end up feeling really sore afterwards too. Is it supposed to hurt at the beginning like this? What can we do to make it less painful? We've tried with him on top and me on top both with the same disappointing results. Help!

--Sore From Sex Sally

To see DEARSUGAR's answer read more

Dear Sore From Sex Sally--

Since you are new to sex, it's going to take your body a while to feel comfortable and for your muscles to relax. I'm sure you were a little nervous the first time, and because it hurt, you were probably worried about the pain the next few times you had sex which made you tense up all over again. After a while, your body will adjust, but in the meantime, here are some tips.

Get yourself some personal lubricant. When you have sex for the first time, you're so busy wondering what the hell you're supposed to be doing that it can be hard to get aroused and produce the natural lubricant that helps make sex feel good. If you are not creating your own, there's nothing wrong with getting it from a bottle. You can find some at grocery stores and pharmacies right near the condoms. Put some on him and some on you, and it will decrease the friction and make things feel a whole lot smoother.
Remember to still have foreplay. I know you are all excited to finally be doing it, but don't forget about all the other intimate things you did before you had intercourse. All the kissing and touching will help to relax and excite you, which will make the sex feel all that much better.
I would also stick to you being on top. That way you can be in charge of how fast and deep the movements are.
If you are feeling burning or irritation, you may be sensitive to latex condoms or to Nonoxynol-9 spermicide. If that's the case, get yourself some polyurethane condoms that are latex free or condoms without spermicide.
If you are on the Pill or taking allergy medication, it doesn't really matter how excited you get - your lady business can still be dry but it's nothing a little personal lube can't take care of!

I hope these tips help. Don't get too frustrated and keep up the communication with your boyfriend. Nobody tells you that sex isn't as magical as you would hope and expect it to be in the beginning but the truth is it takes a while to work everything out, but trust me, it will be well worth it in the long run!

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Dear Sugar Needs Your Help: Sex Hurts! What Can I Do?

DearSugar — Sat, 20 Oct 2007 09:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar and Hurting Down There Hillary need your help. She loves having sex, but it's painful for her. I am sure you have all experienced this first hand, so can you offer her some advice?

Dear Sugar,

Okay, I wanted everyone's view on this matter. Here's my problem. I love
sex, and I wish I could have it all the time with my boyfriend, but my
vagina gets irritated and sore, and it hurts really badly after and during intercourse. Does anyone else have this problem or is it just me? And if you do, is there something you can buy or do to relieve the pain? I know this is an embarrassing topic, but please help me out if you can.

-Hurting Down There Hillary

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Ask a Wife: How Do I Stop Being the Other Woman?

TresSugar — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 08:00:58 -0800

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. This week, a woman in a happy marriage tries to help out a woman stuck in an affair. If you have a question you'd like answered on Conventional Wisdom, you can submit it here.

Today's Question:

I am involved with a married man and I don't know how to stop. He's been married for a couple of years, and his wife often goes out of town. I feel like I'm in a relationship with him: he calls or texts before he goes to sleep, cooks me dinner when he can, and we talk about almost anything with each other. I don't expect him to leave his wife for me, and it doesn't seem like he's going to. He just says he wishes we would have met before he got married. I know deep down that this is so wrong, but I feel like I can't do anything about it. I feel too happy when I'm around him. Help!

Signed,
The Other Woman

To see the advice, read more.

Dear The Other Woman,

I have some bad news and some good news. First, the bad news: you are not happy. You are in a relationship that is damaging to both you and this man's wife. The only person remotely benefiting from the situation is this unfaithful person you are involved with.

Now the good news: real happiness does exist. You can find someone - who's not married - to talk, laugh, cry, and have sex with. And it will be so much better. But first you need to do some work on yourself. Look at your life and decide what type of person you want to be. Do you want the adjectives selfish, dishonest, and disrespectful to describe who you are? Or would you rather have the words loving, faithful, and complete describe your behavior and your relationship? Next you need to boost your confidence. Think about what has made you do something that is undoubtedly so hurtful to yourself and this other woman. Is it because you are afraid of being alone? Is it because you think this is the best thing you can get? If so, let me tell you that a little patience can go a long way. Focus on the things you really enjoy in life (do you like running? painting? traveling?), the things that make you excited, and you will only become more desirable.

The search for love is a hard and frustrating one, but you are just going down a dark and depressing path with nothing but hurt waiting at the end of it. End things with this unavailable man, figure out why you love yourself, and then you will find someone who loves you for all those qualities too.

Signed,
A Wife

How Would You Feel?

TresSugar — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 04:00:04 -0800

This post comes from Group Therapy in our TrèsSugar Community. Feel free to add your advice in the comments!

I'm 20 years old and have been dating this guy for four years. Last night, I was using his computer and I saw that he searched for plus size lingerie. My feelings were instantly hurt. I felt so fat! I think that my boyfriend should not make me feel like that! He has never called me fat or anything, but just the fact that he looked at plus size lingerie says that he thinks it! If I ask him if he thinks I'm fat or anything he, of course, denies it. He says that if he thought I was ugly he wouldn't be with me. So, what now? Am I just overreacting? I am so hurt!

There's lots of great stuff going on in our community - join it, check it out, share your posts or advice in the great groups and maybe we'll feature it here on TrèsSugar!

How Do I Handle This Strip Club Situation?

Tres Community — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 06:00:15 -0800

This post comes from Group Therapy in our TrèsSugar Community. Feel free to add your advice in the comments!

First of all my husband and I have been married for half of a year now. He's in the Navy and just got deployed, but right before the deployment he was sent to Hawaii for one day. I dropped him off at the airport and it was so hard for me to let him go. He called from Hawaii and we talked for five minutes then he said he had to go and he would call back.

As I was checking our bank account to check on the bills I noticed he had paid to go in to some type of club. While crying my eyes out because of how much I already missed him and knowing he wasn't coming home any time soon, I waited for him to call back. When he finally did I got him to tell me the truth and it turned out to be a strip club. This was his first time going into a strip club. The problem is that I feel so offended and disrespected. I know I'm not unattractive, and I'm very open minded in our sex life. So to me it seems as if I'm not enough for him, and that he didn't care about how I feel about strip clubs. The fact that he was lusting over those girls makes me so angry and upset.

To see the rest, .

When we talked I was so mad and disappointed and couldn't stop crying. But after a while I realized that I've been told not to say anything negative or upsetting to him since he was going on deployment to a very stressful environment. I won't be able to talk to him at all while he's gone, I can only send emails but I can't confront him there either. So I had to pretend that I got over it and that I was OK, so he wouldn't feel bad and guilty. But in reality I feel so disgusted and can't take the thought of him wanting someone else. I'm alone and don't have any family here, this is our first deployment and I'm still trying to handle it. He made things so much worse for me, now I'm not just worried about his safety, but also at the thought of when he goes to a port he's going to cheat on me. I'm just hurt and feel resentment towards him, but for as long as he's out I have to pretend I'm fine and support him through the emails. I know some people might think I'm over reacting, but to me this is just like cheating.

There's lots of great stuff going on in our community - join it, check it out, share your posts or advice in the great groups and maybe we'll feature it here on TrèsSugar!

You Asked: My Boyfriend Called Me By His Ex's Name - Twice!

DearSugar — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 12:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend of seven months, who has been amazing, romantic, and thoughtful so far, referred to me by his ex's name on two occasions in front of others. It hurt me very much and it continues to hurt. The first time was around Thanksgiving, the exact time of year they had broken up. The second time was a couple of weeks later, at a Christmas party. He says it means nothing and it was just a slip of the tongue.

They had dated for two and a half years, and he has never wanted to talk about her or why they broke up, but after the second time he called me by her name, I insisted that he tell me about her. He said their breakup really hurt him, but they had intimacy issues and ended up being more friends than lovers. He wanted to work on their relationship but she did not so it ended.

He has told me that he is 100 percent committed to me and me only. He treats me extremely well and makes me very happy. He always tells me how much he loves me, has asked me to move in with him, and tells me how much happier he is with me than he was with her. I have met his family and friends and we get along really well. So was this really just a slip of the tongue? If so, what do I do to get over it? Could he still have feelings for her? I don't want to be naive and I don't want to be blindsided. Any advice would be a great help. - He Made a Mistake Mindy

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear He Made a Mistake Mindy,

From what you're telling me, it sounds as though everything in your relationship is going great except for these two slips of the tongue. While I don't doubt that those mistakes hurt you, you have to remember that people mess up every now and again, even at the cost of someone else's feelings. It's pretty clear that he adores you from the fact that he's constantly reassuring you, but at the end of the day, it's up to you if you're willing to forgive him.

Time will lessen the blow of his mistakes, and keeping the lines of communication open about your feelings will help too. What he did was wrong, but I can honestly say that I don't think it came from a malicious place so if you think you can let it go, I think it'll be worth your while. With that said, if he makes a habit of calling you the wrong name, I'd say that it's a pretty clear indication that he's simply not over his ex. I hope it all works out for you; good luck.

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