TresSugar

Group Therapy: How Do I Deal With My Friend's Annoying Habit?

Mon, 16 Mar 2009 04:00:00 -0700

One of my best friends has a very sensitive constitution - if her stomach isn't upset, she's got a cold, or the shingles, or the flu - you name it, she has it. She's one of those people who will tell you exactly how she's really feeling when you simply say, "Hi, how are you?"

Her latest thing is that she's been diagnosed with IBS, which explains her multitude of stomach problems and food sensitivities. Today I met her and a couple of other girls for lunch. We were discussing what to eat and she went on to say, "I was thinking of the pasta, but then I'd probably have diarrhea later today because of the wheat." I've learned to just tune her out, but after she left, one of the girls proceeded to tell me how annoying her constant need to complain is. I know she doesn't mean to do it and I want to help her out, but how do I tell her nicely to stop bringing up all her ailments? I don't want to offend her (she's pretty sensitive), but sometimes it's just overkill and I feel like it's my duty as her friend to tell her that she's starting to annoy people. Is it worth saying something or should I just leave her alone?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To read more GROUP THERAPY, click here or submit your own question here.]

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Group Therapy: Will He Ever Love Me?

Fri, 14 Nov 2008 04:00:00 -0800

I am 20 years old and in love. The only problem is I'm alone in that love - or so it feels. My boyfriend and I have been together for just about a year and he has yet to tell me he loves me. My question is, does it really matter that much if he says it? We're together almost every day, and are both absolutely crazy about each other; from the outside looking in, it seems we're both crazy in love, but he hasn't said it aloud yet.

I did bring it up one time. I'd been feeling it so strongly that I let my guard down and I told him first - it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. He hugged me and kissed me and seemed glad that I had told him, but it generated no mutual response. He said he was flattered, but just wasn't ready to say it yet. He reassured me that he will, and when he does, I'll know he means it. But I'm worried - I'm not sure what it is that makes me need to hear it from him so badly, but I just want to know we're on the same page. I feel vulnerable and confused. He means the world to me, we have (otherwise) an incredible relationship, so is it wrong that he hasn't said it yet?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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The How-To Lounge: Asking For Help

DearSugar — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 10:00:00 -0700

Although being independent is great, if you happen to have a stubborn streak, your determination may hinder you from reaching out for help when you need it. For whatever reason, asking for help has become synonymous with not being tough enough, but I’ll be the first to say, that’s just not true. So if you’re one of those girls who has to do everything herself, read my tips for how to reach out for help when you really do need it when you read more.

Recognize that there’s nothing wrong with needing help. In fact, being able to acknowledge that you don’t know how to do something shows good judgment.
Try by yourself first, but know when to admit defeat. When you’re wasting time trying to do something that another person could have helped you accomplish already, then it’s time to reach out. You don’t want to wait until it’s too late.
Go out of your way to ask someone whom you feel comfortable with. Knowing that you won’t be judged for your question and that they won’t lead you astray can make all the difference in the world.
Make sure you know what you’re asking for. Most people are better at helping when they can advise on a specific problem.
And finally, once you make your big break and ask, don’t forget to say thank you.

Are you comfortable with asking for help?

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Group Therapy: Adore the Boyfriend, Loathe the Friends

Fri, 15 Aug 2008 03:00:00 -0700

While it seems like an exaggeration, I have never once asked for relationship advice. So I'm coming to you now in hopes that my first time reaching out will be as helpful as I hope for! I have been dating this guy for a couple of months. He lives with two other guys and they were all super close before I came into the picture. Since we started dating, we hang out almost every night and joke about how obsessed with being around each other we are.

I feel like all this time we spend together has taken away from the time he used to spend with his roommates, so there is resentment toward me. They are not the type of guys to care what girls think, and while they make it seem in good humor, they are very rude and even sometimes flat-out ignore me. We are all very sarcastic people so my boyfriend writes it off as them just joking, but I feel like it's deeper.

It's too early in the relationship to say something to my boyfriend and come off as the girlfriend attacking his friends. Also, for those of you who think I should be direct, I feel like he doesn't notice it whatsoever, so I don't know how he can see my side. I can already see him acting baffled and shocked that I think that way just because of his male nature and devotion to friends. Should I bring it up? How so? Or should I wait it out and see if they come to their senses like the adults they should be?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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The How-To Lounge: Finding a Therapist

DearSugar — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 10:00:00 -0700

As you already know, I’m a huge supporter of therapy and often suggest it as a means of working through a specific issue - some problems are best solved with professional, and specifically, unbiased help. But finding someone who can meet your specific needs and whom you can trust is not an easy task. I’ve compiled a list of things to consider when seeking a therapist. To check them out read more.

Since you really are looking for someone you can both confide in and count on to provide real help, it’s important to do a little research before choosing someone. The first step is making sure that whoever you consider is certified with the proper credentials - don't be afraid to ask them.
You also want to consider the specific issues you’re looking to address. While one therapist might be known for dealing with victims of abuse, he/she might not be as successful working with patients who have anxiety disorders. It's incredibly important that they can meet your needs so inquire about their particular strengths before going in.
Similarly, if you’re looking at treating a specific mental illness you may want to widen your search to include psychiatrists who have the ability to prescribe medication if needed.
Since some people might be wary about sharing a therapist, try turning to the Internet instead of relying on a referral. One quick search will give you access to a myriad of resources like Psychology Today’s Therapy Directory.
Before you make any appointments, make sure to get the details on what your insurance provider does and does cover. If you can only use an in-network therapist, ask for a list of names in your area.

Don't be afraid to try out a few people before settling on one; it seems like a lot of work, but it really will be worth it in the long run.

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Group Therapy: My Friend's a Debbie Downer

Tue, 08 Apr 2008 03:00:00 -0700

Within the last few months, my best friend has become a serious downer. Her sister and I cannot figure out the cause, and it's getting worse and worse. She can, and has, literally sucked the energy out of the people around her. Last night we were out with friends, and a guy that doesn't know her well turned to me and asked if she was bored. I apologized for her and just shrugged my shoulders.

I find myself making excuses for her behavior every time we go out and it's beginning to bring me down. We've been trying to think of creative non-confrontational ways to address this, and so far we've come up with nothing. If we do say something flat out, we're positive it will turn into an aggressive shouting match. Do you have any suggestions?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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Group Therapy: How Can I Help My Friend Through a Breakup?

Fri, 04 Apr 2008 03:00:00 -0700

My best friend's boyfriend recently broke up with her. She's devastated, especially since it came out of nowhere. They weren't together very long, but it's the first time that she's been "dumped," so she's never had her heart broken before. My question is, what can I do to help my friend through her breakup? I want to be there for her, but when she's crying, I just don't know what to do. Do I just sit there and hug her to let her talk, or should I give her advice too? Should I tell her it will all be OK?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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Group Therapy: I Can't Get It All Done

Mon, 31 Mar 2008 14:00:00 -0700

I have three jobs, and work about 70 hours each week. My commute is about 45 minutes each way. I'm a vegetarian and I'm allergic to gluten, so I have to cook all of my meals at home. I go to a 90 minute yoga class three times a week. I don't spend hardly any time getting ready for work, but I do have to shower and dress in the mornings, and again after yoga. I talk to friends or family on the phone while driving. I'm also supposed to be finishing a script for a film (it's my own unpaid project) that is scheduled to be shot in June.

On top of everything else, my boyfriend moved in with me last fall. We were engaged at the time, but we have taken a step back due to big problems; I barely have time to sleep enough to keep from burning out completely, let alone lavish attention on him and always show him my best side.

I have to pay the bills, but I can't find anything in my life I can trim any further. I know I can't keep going like this for much longer. Where do I find the time to be everything to everyone? I've been considering asking my boyfriend to move out, but I don't know what that would do to our already failing relationship. What should I do?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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Group Therapy: My Boyfriend Watches Porn While Talking to Me

Sun, 10 Feb 2008 12:00:00 -0800

The other night while I was talking to my boyfriend on the phone I heard loud moaning and pornographic noises. We talk over Skype because he's at military school, so the microphone picks up a lot of background noises. It's not that I care that he does it so much, it's that he was doing it while talking to me (and I'm sure doing other things too). I told him that it upset me, and he still doesn't get why I'm hurt and angry. I feel betrayed. It's not like we were even talking about anything sexual. It seemed like he just got bored of me and wanted to watch other naked girls.

I don't know what to do. The fact that I'm irritated (and my boyfriend not getting why, or doing anything to help me feel better) is creating a ton of tension and arguments. I feel so turned off by him right now even though he insists he was thinking about me while doing it. Am I wrong? What should I do?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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Group Therapy: My Husband Has an STD and Lied to Me About It

Wed, 14 Nov 2007 14:00:00 -0800

My husband and I have been in therapy for the last two years. During one of our sessions, our counselor asked us about when we were intimate for the first time. I told the story, included the "talk" we had about prior partners, etc. My husband had his head down the whole time. When I was relaying the part about "the talk," I told our counselor that he had told me that he had just been to the doctor (at the time), and told me he was clean. I told him that I had been to the gyno several months before, was clean then, and hadn't been with anyone since. You gals know the drill.

Anyway, during the counseling session, I found out that he hadn't been tested. He had had a physical, and thought that they screened for STDs, which they don't unless you specifically ask for them. So, essentially, either a) he has been living under a rock during his adolescence and doesn't know about STD screens, how they work, etc, or b) he just didn't want to deal with the situation at the time.

It was a big blowout. We both went to get tested after that session; I'm clean, he has herpes.

I feel like I've been lied to and taken advantage of. When someone asks you point blank if you've been tested, and you haven't ever seen or discussed a STD screen with your doctor, how can you look them in the face and say yes, I'm clean? Now, I don't want herpes. I did all the right things, played by the rules, and if we were dating (not married) that would be a deal-breaker for me.

I've done my homework, talked to my gyno and he cautioned me against being intimate with my husband anymore. There's a history of cervical and ovarian cancer in my family, and herpes can make those chances increase. So, either I live in a sexless marriage or I end it. I'm very confused. I feel hurt, lied to, and betrayed. Advice?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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