TresSugar

Dear Poll: Do You Get Lost Easily?

DearSugar — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 08:00:00 -0700

A sense of direction really comes in handy when you’re trying to navigate anywhere new. But unfortunately, not all of us have a natural knack for knowing where we are or getting where we’re going - some people have a propensity to always get lost, even with directions! There’s nothing like being stuck in the car for an hour circling the same streets to ruin a person’s mood. So ladies, does this sound like you? Are you easily lost?

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Behind the Iron Curtain: Was Sex Better Before the Wall's Fall?

TresSugar — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 10:13:52 -0800

Life may be better since the fall of the Berlin Wall, but is sex? It was at first. Prostitutes came in vans, porn was everywhere, and sex shops opened like wine bars in a gentrifying neighborhood. Yet interest waned throughout the '90s, and nostalgia set in for "love as it was before."

Before, men and women didn't need porn to get excited or toys to orgasm. What did they need? Imagination, says former relationship columnist Jutta Resch-Treuwerth, and they had it. Poll after poll shows there was lots of "imagination" behind the iron curtain. On average, East Germans lost their virginity earlier, had twice as much sex, and had more orgasms than their Western counterparts.

So what made sex so "gut"? Find out after the jump

Ask an Older Woman: Help! My Friend's With a Married Man

TresSugar — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 06:00:00 -0800

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. If you have a question you'd like answered on Conventional Wisdom, you can submit it here.

Today's question: One of my good friends has been seeing a married man for about a year. He also just happens to be her boss. When we get together, she bombards me with the details of their relationship. He tells her he's never been happier, and that he'll leave his wife for her soon (yeah, we've heard that one before!) and she seems to believe him. My problem with this whole thing is that not only am I sick of listening to her, and of course could tell her so, but I've lost respect for her. Is it wrong to break up with a friend who's doing things I find morally reprehensible? Is there anything I can do to get through to her that what she is doing is horrible for her, not to mention this man's wife?

Signed, Confused Friend.

To hear what an older woman has to say, read more
Dear Confused Friend,

Ahh, the folly of youth. For every bad relationship I bored my friends with, I in turn listened to details about men (or women) they were with who didn't deserve them. It's part of being a friend.

My best advice to you is to be honest with your friend. You don't mention if you've told her how you feel, or if you did, how she reacted. If you haven't, now is the time to start. Tell her you care about her, but you think that contributing to cheating is morally messed up, and that in the end she's probably just going to get hurt. (I guess "the other woman" sometimes ends up with the guy, but who wants to end up with a cheater?) Also, sleeping with your married boss? Pretty dumb. Do other people in her office know? This is not good for her professional life either. I'd tell her that, too, although it's hard to imagine an adult who doesn't know this.

If you really like this friend and this is the only thing she's done that makes you question her character, ride it out and hope she comes to her senses. There's only so much advice we can give people. If you've told her how you feel and she continues with this affair, that's her decision. If she steers you toward this topic when you hang out, just let her know you don't feel comfortable listening to it anymore.

Sometimes, though, if friends do sketchy things, those acts are a window into the rest of their sketchy selves. I had a friend who not only cheated on her husband once, but throughout their marriage, and I began to notice that her behavior towards him mirrored her behavior towards me and everyone else. She was selfish, narcissistic and unable to ever admit fault. We'd had fun partying together when we were younger, but as we grew older, I realized I needed to respect my friends. After a blowout fight when she said horrible things to me, I took it as my cue to get out, and I dumped her.

You're in a tricky situation, but honesty is the best policy. If you can't be honest with her, maybe you aren't really great friends to begin with, in which case slowly turning down her invitations to hang out and discuss him should send her a message. Good luck!

Rape Victim Denied Healthcare For Taking Anti-AIDS Drug

TresSugar — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 13:00:00 -0700

I'll admit that I didn't know anything about the anti-AIDS medication given to rape victims until someone I know had to take it. The preventative drug cocktail, which must be started within 72 hours of exposure and taken over 28 days, is given as emergency treatment to people who might have been exposed to the HIV virus, often victims of rape.

Thanks to the debate raging over healthcare reform, it has come out that health insurance companies deny patients health insurance because they took the medication. At least that's what happened to Christina Turner. After being drugged by two strangers, Christina had physical injuries indicating that she had probably been sexually assaulted. Her doctor prescribed her the anti-AIDS medication, but she soon found out that taking it made her uninsurable. When she lost her coverage for an unrelated reason, Christina went out to purchase a new policy. Insurance companies examined her health records and found the anti-AIDS prescription. They told her that it raised too many health questions, and that she might be able to come back for coverage in a few years if she could prove she was AIDS free. They didn't seem to care that Christina had never contracted HIV.

It horrifies me that a woman who has been a victim of sexual assault can have that tragic experience held against her by health insurance companies. And I also can't help but think of what Christina's story means for people who are actually HIV positive. If Christina was penalized for merely taking this medication, it surely must be harder to get coverage if you are already living with the disease. What is your reaction to all of this?

Muscle Milk, the Drink Douchebags Reach For First!

TresSugar — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 09:00:00 -0700

I didn't know people really still said "getting tail" as a term for bagging chicks. (OK, I guess there's really no way of saying that without sounding like a Neanderthal.)

Speaking of Neanderthals, the irony is not lost on me that the tagline for this Muscle Milk ad is "Drink. Evolve."

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Hump Day: I Feel Used When I Have Sex With the Man I Love

TresSugar — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's sex advice column. Are you confused about sex? Do you have trouble having an orgasm? Is there something you'd like to try but you're worried it's too weird? Send your questions to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!

Today's Question:

"After five years of being apart, I'm now re-dating my high school sweetheart whom I love. We lost our virginities to each other, and even during those five years we continued to have sex every now and then when we were single and managed to see each other. (We went to colleges in different cities.)

Now that we are together again, we've decided to wait a while before we have sex, but that does not mean that I don't find him attractive or that I don't sometimes just want to rip off his clothes. The problem is that one of the last times we had sex (about a year before we officially reconnected), I felt like a prostitute. I don't exactly know why, I just felt used afterwards and it was not enjoyable to me at all. I think part of the reason I say 'prostitute' is because he kept making me change positions and just seemed really into it for himself. I love him and I know that he loves me, but I think I'm having trouble getting over that experience. Even now, he will ask me to dress up for him so he can masturbate, which, as his girlfriend, I would normally be happy to do, but I just get that 'used' feeling again. I feel like a piece of meat, or just an object.

Of course he senses my change in happiness and it ruins the mood. I don't know exactly why I started feeling this way and I don't know how to get over it. I'm so afraid that once we start having sex, I will continue to feel this way. What's wrong with me? Please help!"

To hear what Dr. Glickman has to say, read more
First thing: there is nothing wrong with you or how you’re feeling. Whatever is going on for him, whatever his intentions or motivations, there is absolutely nothing wrong with how you feel. There’s a big difference between having uncomfortable feelings and having something be wrong with you.

Second thing: trust how you feel about this. Something in this situation doesn’t feel right to you, and whether that’s about him, you, or the two of you together, your feelings are there to tell you something important. Unfortunately, they don’t always give you a lot of useful information, but they are valuable for making sure that you know that something is going on. In my experience, the best thing to do is listen to that and try to figure out what those feelings are trying to tell you.

It sounds like you have some unresolved feelings from that first experience of feeling like he was using you. When old feelings linger, they can affect how we feel about present-day experiences. Sometimes, that’s because the current situation is a lot like the past one, and at other times, it’s because we project those emotions onto the present even when the circumstances are very different. Either way, the best approach is to create space to talk about them and figure out what you need. I strongly suggest having that conversation with him when you’re not in the middle of the emotion because that makes it easier to talk about what’s going on without getting lost in the feelings.

Since you said that you’re not sure what it was that made that so uncomfortable for you, here are a few questions that might be worth exploring:

What was it about that first time that felt uncomfortable for you? When he was into changing positions so much, what about that made you feel used? Was it how he did it? Something he was saying? If he had said or done something differently, would that have made it better for you? The more you’re able to answer questions like these, the easier it’ll be to talk about your experiences.

Also, I’m not quite clear from how you phrased it, but when he asks you to dress up for him while he masturbates, do you do that? In my book, that counts as sex and I’m wondering how that fits into your mutual decision to hold off on sex. I can totally see how a request like that could trigger that “used” feeling if the two of you are supposed to be waiting. If it feels to you like he’s pushing your boundaries or trying to get you to do something beyond your comfort zone, one of the best things you can do is tell him that you don’t want to do that. If he persists, that’s a big warning sign to end things.

It would be really easy in this sort of situation to imagine all sorts of reasons why he’s acting like this. And while any of those guesses might be accurate to some degree, I want to caution you to try to not jump to conclusions. For example, some possible things that might be prompting him to act like this could be:

Maybe he’s gotten interested in experimenting different ways of having sex and doesn’t know how to start the conversation with you about it, so he’s just going for it. Maybe he’s gotten into porn and is trying to act out what he’s seen on the screen. Maybe he wants to explore some fantasies, his or yours, and hopes that you’ll reciprocate with your ideas. Maybe he’s clueless about how these situations feel to you and thinks that you’re enjoying it as much as he does, at least until it’s obvious that you don’t. Maybe he’s being selfish about your sexual interactions. Maybe he’s hoping that you’ll speak up with ideas of things to do.

Of course, there’s no way to be sure what actually is going on for him unless you ask (and he’s willing to tell you). The longer these things build up, the bigger they get. So as challenging as it may seem to talk about it with him, it’ll be a lot easier if you do it sooner rather than waiting. Take some time to tell him how you’ve been feeling. Find out what his intentions were. Trust your feelings and keep your boundaries solid.

I know that’s all pretty vague and I wish I could give you some more concrete suggestions. But there are too many possibilities for me to be able to steer you more than that. This sounds like a really hard time for you and whatever you decide to do and however things work out, I hope you find the support that you deserve.

And no matter how you feel, there is nothing wrong with you.

How Old Were You When You Lost Your Virginity?

TresSugar — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 13:00:00 -0700

In a hard-to-believe fit of modesty, sexy funny lady Tina Fey revealed to David Letterman last night that she was 24 before she lost her virginity and "couldn't give it away." (I'm incredulous about the latter claim - not that she was 24.)

I don't think I know anyone who waited that long, but everyone has her reasons for delaying sex. Honestly, I think being ready to have sex is better than "getting it out of the way" as I hear some people describe their motivations for having sex for the first time.

I had a good first experience, but it happened before I was 24! At what age did you lose your virginity? If you want to see the clip of her revelation, read more.

DC Sniper's Ex-Wife Says Those Bullets Were Meant For Her

TresSugar — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 07:00:00 -0700

On October 23, 2002, Mildred Muhammad was visited at her Maryland home by the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives agents. They'd come to inform her that her ex-husband, John, had begun shooting people around her. "You are the target," they told her ominously.

John Muhammad would come to be known as the "Beltway Sniper," and with his teen accomplice Lee Malvo, he went on a shooting spree in Maryland, DC and Northern Virginia that left 10 people dead. Malvo is serving a life sentence, and Muhammad is scheduled to be executed November 10 of this year.

In her new book, Scared Silent, Mildred Muhammad talks about her 12-year marriage to John. Things started out well, but John became emotionally and physically abusive after he returned from an Army tour during the Gulf War. Mildred is convinced that his plan was eventually to kill her so that he could regain custody of the children he lost in 2001 and to get compensation for them as crime victims. (He believed the nameless "Beltway Sniper" would be blamed.)

"I was recalling every frightening comment John had ever made to me. He once said, 'When a man hits a woman, it means that he has lost all respect for her. It would be easy for him to kill her after that.' But I did not foresee, not even in my wildest nightmare, that John would ever kill people who had nothing to do with me or our troubled marriage."

Mildred Muhammad hopes that her book will help other victims of domestic violence get the help they need.

Lying Liars and the Lies They Tell

TresSugar — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 09:00:00 -0700

Last night's Gossip Girl episode may have been titled "The Lost Boy," but it should have been called "Nine Lies." Who isn't lying to whom? Blair and Chuck lie to each other to get into the Sotheby's auctions. Georgina - surprise - lies to Dan about her reformed ways. We think Carter lies to Serena, but it's really Blair and Chuck playing a trick. And then Scott, who's been lying to Vanessa, Dan, and Rufus about going to NYU, tells a new lie while trying to come clean on the original one.

At the episode's end, all the lies are exposed and forgiven, and all is well both uptown and downtown. Until next week, anyway. The lies in our lives may not be as exorbitant as those told on GG, but we all tell lies and are lied to. What's the worst lie you've been told by a friend, suitor, or significant other? Was it a deal breaker, or did you forgive?

For more Gossip Girl coverage, check out Buzz's recap, CelebStyle's fashion breakdowns, and the quizzes on Bella, Fab, and Geek.

Photos courtesy of The CW

America: A Country For Rude People

TresSugar — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 14:00:00 -0700

High-profile incidents of rudeness have dominated the news cycle over the last week. The president of the United States can't give a speech without being heckled, Serena Williams lost her cool during the US Open, and yes, Kanye West acted like a "jackass" by interrupting Taylor Swift's VMA acceptance speech.

In today's New York Times, columnists David Brooks and Gail Collins weigh in on the decline of American manners. Specifically, conservative Brooks suggests that Kanye's outburst is a turning point for America's future, equivalent even to the Battle of Gettysburg (seriously, David Brooks?) and a sign that American society is in decline.

Putting aside the possible implications, do you think Americans are getting ruder?