TresSugar

Group Therapy: Does He Want Me Back?

Sat, 21 Feb 2009 10:00:00 -0800

About a month ago I broke up with a guy I'd been dating for four months. I felt his heart just wasn't in it, and he agreed that he wasn't totally focused on us either.

The other night I was out with a mutual guy friend and my ex decided to join us. My stuff ended up getting stolen from the bar (money, keys, etc.) and my only option was to stay at my ex's house until I could get to my spare keys in the morning.

He was so sweet all night and was physically affectionate too; touching my arm or leg when we talked, cuddling with me under a blanket on the couch, rubbing my back and sleeping close to me most of the night. In the morning, we woke up and just laid there and talked for at least an hour.

I thought I was over him, but now I'm wondering if my decision to break up was hasty. I'm interested in getting back together, but not sure if he is. I'm wondering if I'm reading too closely into his behavior or if he's interested in giving it another shot too. I don't know what to do at this point - help!

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To read more GROUP THERAPY, click here or submit your own question here.]

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Handle This: Your Ex Reached Out to You

DearSugar — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 11:00:00 -0800

If you were put in a situation like this, how would you handle it?

Over the weekend, you were completely taken aback when your ex-boyfriend, who you dated for four years and still love, called to wish you a happy Valentine's Day. Since Saturday, you've been talking on the phone daily, and it feels like you've slipped right back into your old ways. When you told your best friend that he reached out to you, she immediately gave you a piece of her mind. While you were aware that your tumultuous relationship affected your friends too, you didn't know just how much they despised him for you.

You discovered through your long conversations that he's single, just like you, and before talking to your friend about him, you were entertaining the idea of getting back together. Knowing that she is against it makes matters incredibly complicated, and you're torn - you don't know if you should trust her, an outsider looking out for your best intentions, or your own heart. It feels like a lose/lose, so tell me, how would you handle this?

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You Asked: Is Meeting Up With My Ex Worth the Risk?

DearSugar — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 12:30:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,
My boyfriend and I have been happily together for two years. Sure, things aren't always perfect, but he's considerate, playful, and gives me hope that we can have a wonderful future together. Here's the problem: My ex came home for the holidays, said that he's moving back and wants to get together for dinner and drinks. We broke up for the simple fact that he had to move away for a job and long distance became too difficult. There was no cheating or lying, and we didn't fall out of love for each other. We always had had amazing chemistry and said that if it was meant to be, we'd find one another again.

I really don't want to jeopardize the relationship I am in now, but I'm still young and feel like I'll always wonder "what if?" I am scared that if I do see him, I'll instantly fall back in love and then I'll be in an even bigger mess than I am now. I'm at such a loss and could really use some advice! - At a Loss Liza

To see DearSugar's answer read more.

Dear At a Loss Liza,

If you'll always be wondering "what if," I think you should take him up on dinner and drinks and see what happens. It won't matter if your current boyfriend gives you hope of a wonderful future together if you're still unsure how you feel about your ex - one-sided relationships just don't work. If you do in fact instantly fall back in love with him then you'll know things weren't meant to be with your current boyfriend. Perhaps you simply found each other again, just like you said you could! On the other hand, you could get together for dinner and realize that there's absolutely no chemistry there after all, which will put an instant end to your confusion.

There's no harm in following your heart, but Liza, if those old feelings do come back, be honest with your boyfriend. Don't lead him on. There are no guarantees in life so follow your instincts and your heart, and do whatever will make you happy in the long run. Good luck.

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You Asked: We Broke Up, Now Things Are Better Than Ever

DearSugar — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My old boyfriend from five years ago and I began speaking again a year ago, after both of us got out of really unhealthy relationships. At the time he was living across the country, but we developed a relationship and he decided to move back. At first our relationship was a dream. He was considerate, caring, sensitive, and treated me very well. Soon after he moved back, he also started working long hours while attending school, and our relationship became strained. He's always had a bad temper, but I began seeing more of it. We would rarely have sex, and he would often seem distant. Although he was apologetic when it was brought up, he would never really change his behavior.

Last week, after one particularly bad weekend, I felt I had no other choice but to end the relationship. The next day we talked and both agreed that it just wasn't working. He apologized sincerely for the way he had been treating me and described just how tired and stressed he's been. The night we had this talk was honestly one of the most special nights we have ever had, even though we were ending things. We made love and it was better then it had ever been before. He's called me every day since and it seems like he's turned back into the guy I used to know.

I only broke up because I felt I had no choice due to the way I was being treated, but now that things are so good, I want to get back together. Are we building our relationship again? And if so, should I demand to know where he stands? Or is that jumping the gun?

- Together or Not Taylor

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Together or Not Taylor,

It seems to me that your relationship feels so great right now because it's not in a relationship at all. I'd guess that a lot of the stress your boyfriend was dealing with was stemming from the pressures of your relationship, and now that you've broken up, a weight has been lifted, and your boyfriend is able to be himself.

Of course, it's normal that outside stress puts strain on a relationship, but in your boyfriend's case, his behavior sounds over the top. You need to talk to him and find out what he's thinking before you find yourself counting on a relationship that he's not able to give you. And before you two head down the road of reconciliation, I highly recommend you figure out how to successfully work through the difficult times. A bad temper that flairs every time life gets tough is a debilitating issue for any relationship, and it's something your boyfriend is going to have to want to change. Definitely open up communication sooner rather than later so you can either start moving on or work together to move forward.

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The How-To Lounge: Giving a Relationship Another Try

DearSugar — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 13:00:00 -0700

Just because a relationship ends, doesn’t mean that your feelings suddenly come to a screeching halt too. In fact, sometimes without that person in your life, your feelings can grow, and you can be left with the longing to try things over again. Certainly I’ve seen many couples try to give their relationship another go, but not all are successful. So I’ve come up with some things to consider when giving a past relationship another shot. To see them read more.

Some may disagree with me, but I don’t think it’s actually possible to start fresh. The mistakes you made before will always be with you into the future, so there’s no point in pretending that they don’t exist. Instead, embrace them and learn from them. What did they teach you about yourself and each other as a couple?
Although it’s possible for people to change, truth be told, unless it’s been a very long time apart or one of you has gone through some serious life-altering events, it’s unlikely that either of you has drastically changed. But that’s OK; it doesn’t mean that it can’t work out. But don’t rely on the “change” you’ve both experienced to fix things. This is going to take real work.
You need to be clear about what your needs are, both in the short-term and the long-term. Don’t delude yourself into thinking that you’ll just make it work because you now realize how much you love each other. That’s not reality, and just like at the beginning of a totally new relationship those feelings fade with time.
Finally, figure out exactly what you want for yourself out of this. Are you willing to do whatever it takes? How long are you willing to put aside to see if it’s working again? These are important questions to keep in mind as you go through this process. They’ll keep you clear-thinking and grounded.

Healing a wounded relationship is a hard road so be ready for the challenges along the way.

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Handle This: Your Ex Wants You Back

DearSugar — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 13:00:00 -0700

When things ended with your ex a few months back, you were devastated. He was the one who wanted to break up because he said he was feeling uncertain about the future. Prior to his confession, things had been great, and you thought you might end up with him in the long run.

You’ve done some healing and finally started putting yourself out there again, only to get a phone call from your ex. He wants to take you on a date and see if you can rebuild the relationship. You love him, but he broke your heart, so how do you handle this?

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Should Getting Back Together Be a Tough Decision?

DearSugar — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 11:00:00 -0700

There have been some Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams sightings lately and the rumor mill is working overtime to figure out if they are back together or not, but you might be glad to know that the rumors are true - they are back on!! They seem to be the Hollywood couple everyone was rooting for, but what took them so long to reignite their flame? In my opinion, following your heart shouldn't be that difficult - you either know or you don't, right? Have you ever had to give getting back together with an old love such thought? Do you think it's a bad sign if you do?

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Anatomy of a "Fakeup"

DearSugar — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 10:00:00 -0700

Even if you've never heard the word "fakeup," you've surely witnessed them or maybe even participated in one. Though the fakeup comes in many forms, it's most easily defined as a fake breakup or a breakup that doesn't take.

Some couples are repeat fakeup offenders - you know the people I'm talking about. They break up frequently and in very dramatic fashion, but you always know they're going to get back together. (Note: In these cases, it's best not to badmouth the recent ex, since he or she probably won't be an ex for long!)

For further insight into faking up, read more.

Following my own failed relationships, I tend to cut off all ties and move on. But some people - and I can't really blame them - have a penchant for sleeping with their exes. It's tempting for sure, but hooking up with your ex can often precipitate a fakeup and lead to a misguided reconciliation. Often, after several fakeups, the repeat offenders call it quits altogether.

Then, there are couples who fake up but genuinely seem to make it work the second time around. This type of fakeup is different from the first and not as much of a fake out.

How about you? Have you ever been guilty of a fakeup? Do you know any frequent faker-uppers?

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Group Therapy: Does He Want to Get Back Together?

Thu, 24 Jul 2008 03:00:00 -0700

My ex and I dated while I was still in high school and he was starting college - we met through our church. We dated for about six months before we called it quits, mainly because of the distance at the time. That was almost 10 years ago. In that time, we remained friends. I would frequently visit his frat house because I had a lot of friends that lived with him. Every time I would visit, we would end up hanging out.

We have seen each other a lot over the years, and many times, it has ended with us kissing each other. During one encounter three years ago, he told me he didn't know why we weren't together because we both wanted the same things, and then he told me that he loved me. He now lives on the other side of the country. Over the holidays, he called me and wanted to meet up, which we did. I was on a break with my boyfriend at the time. We hung out for a couple hours and it was good. He told me that he was considering moving back to around the area and that his parents were wanting him to settle down.

He still texts or calls me a couple times a month and offers to fly me out so I can visit him. There was no real reason for us to break up, just bad timing. Does he want to get back together, or is he just being friendly and trying to keep in touch? I'm not sure what I think; his actions are confusing.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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You Asked: I Can't Accept That We've Broken Up

DearSugar — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I am one of your male readers and have been having a problem for a while now and need some help. About five months ago my (now ex) girlfriend and I broke up. It was initiated by me after a fight when I said that I needed some time alone to think. She was angry that I wanted time away, and so we broke up. The two months prior to that her jealousy had really driven us apart - she was constantly insecure about my female friends.

A month and a half passed and we started talking about the prospect of getting back together, but out of nowhere, something changed and she became cold towards me. She said that she didn't see a future with me, especially since she was moving away for grad school soon - she wants to try her hand at being single. I attempted to get her back to no avail.

It's now five months after our initial breakup and she is seeing someone else. I know it's not serious, but if she loved me like I loved her, how is it possible for her to be with someone else right now?I have pretty much accepted the fact that the relationship is not easily feasible given we would be in different states, but I still love her more than anything and I constantly think about her day and night. How do I convince her that we're meant to be?

- Desperate Dave

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Desperate Dave,

Breakups are always painful, and even under the best of circumstances, they can take a lot of time to recover from. It's normal to get lost in all the emotions and longing for what you had with your significant other, but as hard as it is to accept, much of that longing is based on an idealistic notion of your relationship and your ex. There's a reason you initiated a break from her, and it's not because things were going perfectly. While it's easy to get hung up on the loss you're feeling, it's time to start thinking rationally. You tried to get your ex back and she chose not to. Now she's seeing someone else and is about to move away. Unfortunately, I think her intentions towards you are clear. Instead of focusing all your energy on trying to woo her back, it's time to start letting go so you can move on with your life; you may be surprised who you meet along the way.

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