TresSugar

6 Fun Things to Do in Bed (With Your Clothes On!)

DearSugar — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 06:00:00 -0800

I definitely associate the bed and bedroom with intimacy, but the comfy place where you usually get it on doesn't just have to be about passion and arousal. Here's a list of fun things you can do with your significant other that don't require you to strip down to your birthday suit.

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Hump Day: Why Do I Get Dry Sometimes?

TresSugar — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's sex advice column. Are you confused about sex? Do you have trouble having an orgasm? Is there something you'd like to try but you're worried it's too weird? Send your questions to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!

Today's Question:

"I get really dry sometimes when my boyfriend and I are having sex. I know all about lubricants, but I'm having trouble guessing when I might need help." To read Dr. Glickman's response, read more

There are a lot of reasons why women experience fluctuations in how much they lubricate. For some, it’s just part of the menstrual cycle. Some women lubricate more at ovulation, while others say that’s when they’re driest. Lots of women also report that their vaginal lubrication changed when they got pregnant and again, some say that they became much wetter and others say that they got drier. So while we know that changes in hormones can influence it, there’s a lot of variation in how much and in what direction. It’s also worth mentioning that menopause generally reduces how much lubrication your body will produce.

Lots of medications and drugs also affect vaginal lubrication, even if it’s rarely listed on the bottle or box. For example, allergy medications are formulated to dry the mucous membranes in your sinuses, but they can do the same to the vagina. Anti-depressants, antihistamines, anxiety medications, smoking cigarettes or marijuana, and drinking alcohol can do the same. In general, if a medication or drug makes your mouth or sinuses dry, it could also reduce vaginal lubrication. Unfortunately, most doctors are unaware of these effects or they don’t feel comfortable talking to their patients about it.

I think it’s really unfortunate that we have this cultural myth that vaginal lubrication is proportional to arousal. Many women find that they can be totally turned on while being pretty dry and others might be quite wet while barely aroused. The best thing we can do is learn to separate the two things in our minds.

You say that you know about lubricants, but for the folks who don’t, here’s a little info.

There are pros and cons to the lubricants on the market, and it can take a little experimenting to find one that will work for you. You might also find that a lube that worked great for a long time isn’t working so well anymore. It’s kind of like shampoo or skin lotion - after a while, you might need to change brands as your individual chemistry changes.

Water-based lubricants can be thin and slippery, or they can be thicker gels. They rinse away really easily, making cleanup a snap, but they do dry out after a while. The glycerin-based lubes last a bit longer, but they tend to get sticky when they dry out. You can add a little water or saliva to freshen them up. While glycerin doesn’t cause yeast infections, it can make one worse if you get one for some other reason, so if you’re prone to yeast infections, avoid these lubes. The glycerin-free lubricants don’t get sticky, but they usually don’t quite last as long. They soak in like hand lotion, so adding water doesn’t work; you need to add some more.

Silicone lubricants don’t dry out (so if you spill some on the kitchen floor, be sure to wipe it up) and are hypoallergenic. They’re also waterproof, which is a plus if you want to have sex in the shower but it can make them a bit trickier to clean up and they sometimes stain sheets. They’re also hypoallergenic and have no taste or scent.

Some people like to use oils as sexual lubricants. If you want to give them a try, use something organic and vegetable-based, such as coconut or almond oils. Mineral oils like baby oil or Vaseline actually dry the skin since the body can’t absorb them or break them down. Coconut oil is solid at room temperature, so it doesn’t go rancid. Keep almond oil in the fridge. And never use oils with latex condoms, diaphragms or cervical caps. Oils will make them dissolve: a condom will break in about 30 seconds if it comes into contact with oil.

A few tips for using lubricants. First, keep the bottle near the bed. You’ll want to be able to grab it when you need it. Second, pump bottles make it a lot easier to add more without fumbling to get the bottle open. Third, if you accidentally get too much lube out of the bottle, don’t put the extra back in. You don’t want to contaminate the bottle with anything that might be on your hand. And lastly, many lube makers offer single-use packets or small bottles. While they cost more per ounce than larger bottles, you can stick them in a pocket or purse pretty easily, not to mention your carry-on bag.

So I think that the best thing for you to do is to keep lube handy and use it when you need it. It takes about 5 seconds to apply and it’ll make sex a lot more fun. And don’t stress about whether it means anything that you sometimes need a little extra slipperiness.

Don't forget to send your questions to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman will offer his sound advice!

DearSugar Needs Your Help: How Do We Get Out of This Rut?

DearSugar — Sat, 03 Jan 2009 09:00:00 -0800

DearSugar and We're In a Run Rach need your help. She and her boyfriend are stuck in the same routine and she needs some advice on how to live again.

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have been together for a few years now and we've been living together for the past seven months. In the beginning, things were fun and exciting, but now I feel like we are stuck in a major rut. It seems like all we do is watch TV, cook dinner, and go to bed. The worst part about the TV watching is that we're doing it in separate rooms! I've talked to my boyfriend about how this makes me feel and how I wish we did more together, but his response was that we live together, insinuating that we're together all the time.

While I love our mellow lifestyle, I miss going on "dates" and hitting the town every once in a while. Money has been tight for both of us as well, so what are other couples out there doing in order to keep their relationships fun and exciting? And I'm also wondering if this slump we're in is a normal progression when you first move in with someone you've been dating for a while. Any advice would be a great help. - We're In a Run Rach

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Ask E. Jean For DearSugar: I'm a Total Basketcase!

E Jean Carroll — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 10:00:52 -0700

Sit tight, Sugar darlings: This is a long and juicy letter!

Dear E. Jean,

OK, you ready? My two middle school children decided for themselves to fabricate some claims about me so they could live with their dad, who buys them everything they want and lets them go anywhere they want.

Me? I won't do those things, and even if I could, I'm not able to. I am on disability for fibromyalgia and have a very low income. So because they thought the only way they could make it possible to live with their dad would be to make horrible accusations about me, my visitation has been suspended until it goes to court. Yes, I have an attorney. And, yes he sucks, but I had to beg and borrow to hire him and now I'm stuck.

I also recently ended a six-year relationship with a man who, by the way, is still married to his wife. He has a son. He did not want to pay child support, so he kept stringing me along for those six years with the promise of, "I'll get a divorce in the next few months when we get caught up on bills so I can afford an attorney." Hook, line, and sinker, that’s how hard I fell for this. I tell you what, at the time I even thought I was being so loving and patient - ha! So I booted him out once and for all!

(That's just the beginning! So read more.)

You don't know the days that all I could manage to do was cry. I would be so depressed that I couldn't eat, sleep, or even go out to check the mail. However, recently, I've been getting out on weekends and have made some friends. I’ve gone out with a couple of real jerks and I’ve gone out with a couple of really nice, handsome, very successful men. But the nice ones don't want me after they find out about the disability. I feel like damaged goods or like I'm defective in some way, when really I have quite a few good days, where I am able to get out, go dancing, or do whatever I feel like doing.

My current issue is a new man I met online. We had been talking about a month online then decided to meet. He is sooo much fun, funny, down to earth, successful, and gorgeous as all get out! He is just the perfect picture of who I want to be with. The issue? He wants to have children someday, and I had a hysterectomy due to endometriosis. He told me on the phone today that he realized that I wanted a relationship (without me saying a word about that because I didn't want to scare him away) and he admired the fact that I could be so full of love and open with my heart with no fear, but right now he just wants to be friends.

He said that he really had to think about him wanting to be a father and the fact that I was not able to bear anymore children. That hurt worse than if he would have just dropped me like a piece of trash!

I broke down and started crying on the phone when he said this. Well, he felt bad that he had hurt me like that and called back a few minutes later inviting me to go to PetSmart. He told me to bring my little dog so he could pay to get her toenails trimmed. He bought her a new leash and he paid to put gas in my car. (About $125 for just those three things).

After I left his house, I took a walk with my dog for two hours. When I got home, I wrote him a simple email that said, "I am sorry I started crying on the phone earlier. I'm OK now after a long walk to get my head straight. I am happy to have your friendship. I do tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, but I think I'll put it in my pocket for safe keeping. Talk to ya later." I honestly thought I would never hear from him again. That was basically my goodbye.

As soon as he read that email, he called me. I took every ounce of energy I could find to sound chipper on the phone. I kept the conversation very brief. Then, as soon as we hung up, he starts IMing me. We chatted for over an hour about simple trivial things. He said that he was going to bed and would talk to me tomorrow.

I am left sitting here past 2 a.m. with band-aids on six of my fingertips (when I get nervous, I bite my nails), wondering what in the heck is going on! I'm a friggin' basketcase! I know this is a lot to get advice on, but trust me. I could really use some. Not even my therapist can keep up with everything that is going on with me right now! - All Messed Up and Lonely in Tennessee

Dear Miss Messed,

You are wrong, my darling. I do not have "a lot" of advice for you. I have no doubt that you are quite charming, but alas, I have read your insufferably long letter, and your excruciating selfishness, immaturity, and juvenile idiocy comes through with every line.

Your children left you - brought "horrible accusations" against you - and you're writing because you're a basketcase over a man who had your dog's toenails trimmed?

Grow up, hunny. Get your priorities straight. Stop thinking about yourself for one half-second and realize there are other people on this planet. Like your kids.

The one piece of advice I do have for you is this: Take the band-aids off, stop bawling, cease trolling for dudes online, and get a job. Fibromyalgia is painful. Fibromyalgia is a bitch. But you gotta play the hand you were dealt, girl, or be a loser the rest of your life.

Get a job! Get a job! Get a job! Get a job! Get a job! Get a job! A job will bring in money. A job will boost your feelings of self-worth. A job will help you gain your self-respect. A job will give your kids a mother to admire. Every problem you have comes from the fact that you’re a superficial, man-crazy, irresponsible lackwit who lays around the house carping and bellyaching and doing nothing to help herself.

And don’t tell me about the pain. I know from pain. Get a job.

P.S. About that line in your letter that says "the nice (men) don’t want me after they find out about the disability." The guys are not turned off because you have an unfortunate medical disorder, my dear; they are turned off because you are a helpless, rather thoughtless woman who lost your own kids because you would not get a job and fight for them.

No sane man would want a woman like that.

To see more advice from E. Jean, visit Elle magazine and AskEJean.com.

First Daughter to Be? The Meghan McCain You Don't Know

CitizenSugar — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 03:00:56 -0700

Despite the embarrassingly hideous and enormous pile of magazines next to my bed, I was able to unearth one cool piece among the mountain. Glamour caught up with Meghan McCain on the campaign trail this month and found out the "12 Things" we don't know about her. Here are my favorite quotes from the flaxen first daughter to be. (Alleged. Possible. Maybe. You know what I mean.)

She's real: "Politicians often teach their kids to control what you say and not to trust. My parents just taught me: Be who you are."
Some guys are blinded by her beauty and/or don't read the paper: "[Once, a guy said,] 'Baby, I could totally give you a tour of the Capitol.' In fairness, he didn't know who my dad was. I just said, 'Really?'"
She's a smashing big sis: "I'm a role model to my little sister [Bridget, who's 17]. The last [thing] I'd ever want her to think is that it's OK to be stupid and not involved. I want her [to know] that you can do it all - you can like fashion and clothes and movies but also be highly involved."

To see the number one thing that you might not know about Meghan McCain, read more.

She has a particularly handsome brother. OK, OK, I'm sorry I made that one up. But it does relate nicely to this poignant quote:

The war is personal: "[When my brother Jimmy was deployed,] saying goodbye to him was like an out-of-body experience. It was all these kids - they looked like I could babysit them - with guns and bags...and everyone's crying. I just totally broke down, which I hadn't done up to that point. I was like, 'Just come back safe, come back, you're going to be fine.' And then at the last minute, I was like, He could die. It was this really intense experience. I don't think anyone knows the military like my dad, and that's what's made me put my heart into the campaign."

It's a nice blend of serious and fun - and really shows why she's been thriving on the trail.

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Come Story Telling with me!! The Completed Story

DearSugar — Sun, 20 May 2007 17:38:11 -0700

I hope you all enjoyed this new feature as much as I did! Your wild imaginations made for a great story line! To read the completed tale you all helped create, read more

You're never going to believe whom I ran into Saturday night!!!! I was about to meet the girls at the new hot spot everyone's been talking about, Magnolia, and found him standing at the front of the line as I bypassed all of the crowd. I hadn't seen him since last June, a few months before he fled California for the east coast, without so much as a good-bye. Seeing him there stopped me in my tracks. I had grown accustomed to thinking of this city as my own again. It was long past the days when I had looked for him on every street corner, in every doorway, in the reflections of the puddles. Having him gone was like a really deep breath, where you feel your whole body expand with the oxygen and you relax into the exhalation. Immediately, my mind started working... why was he back? Just as I was to go inside and pretend he wasn't actually there, I heard him say to his friend, "Dude! Pamela Anderson is SO hot! I recently met a girl who looks just like her - score!" It was my ex boyfriend. Of course I just had my hair and nails done and I was wearing my fab outfit that made me look 10 pounds lighter, so I looked smokin' hot! Had he met another girl? A Pamela Anderson lookalike? How could this be? How dare he come back here to my reclaimed city and spout off about meeting a new woman. So now what? Do I approach him and make small talk or do I ignore him completely and show him just how over him I really am? I make a split second decision to walk straight up to him and his friend. "You again?" I said, my voice dripping with sarcasm. They both turned around. I didn't know his friend, but I sure knew that mug anywhere. "Oh, my God..." he replied, shocked. "I knew I'd see you but I didn't know it would be so soon. You look really good..." "save your breath dear. I'm just stopping by to say hello and let you know that in about 20 minutes the whole crew will be here to celebrate my boyfriends birthday", I said as I glanced over to the group I was with. In reality, I was only hoping that my ex didn't notice that in fact I was the only one in the group without a man. Sticky situation, this, I thought. Typical for me to make up a pretend boyfriend, a birthday and a crew. Now what? Time for a telepathic moment! I tried to gain eye contact with Lucy, my best friend, and communicate: Help me out! After a few moments of sheer panic, Lucy finally got the message and made her way over to me with two champagne cocktails in hand. I was relieved that I didn't have to be in his presence completely sober. She handed me the drink and told me that the celebration was beginning. Now the only thing I needed to complete the lie was a man. A man who would be willing to, on the spot, pretend it was his birthday, and pretend he was with me for that matter. So I left Lucy to catch up with the ex and went off to find myself a unwitting suspect. I was so focused on my quest that I smacked right into the hottest guy I had ever seen - a dead ringer for Matt Damon in The Bourne Identity! "So sorry," I say quickly as we look into each other's eyes. Instant chemistry sparks and I know it's now or never. "So I need you to do me a favor, my *sshole ex boyfriend is back in town and thinks I have a new boyfriend and that today is his birthday. Can you play the part?" I bat my eyelashes flirtatously hoping that the Matt Damon look alike is up for anything. He replies, "Well of course, let me go ask my friend Ben to join us." So the Matt Damon clone takes my hand and pulls me closely to him tightly and says "My darling, you look wonderful tonight. Wait until i get you home and the real party begins..."

I look around and my ex-boyfriend is STEAMING since he was only 4 feet away! I was hearing JT's "My Love" in the background, and I was definitely seeing stars. First with the Matt look-alike, and now his equally hot friend who looked like Ben Affleck! With this sudden Matt-and-Ben manwich, I thought I was an extra in Good Will Hunting! His puppy-dog eyes darted over to the Matt clone, he said, "So what does this hot babe wish of us?" "She asked me to play her boyfriend for the night to make the ex jealous", he said jokingly, I was still slightly mortified that I asked so much of a complete stranger, but he seemed into the idea. "Oh, by the way, my name is Derek, and this is my buddy Ben." Colin cuts in and slyly says, "Now that we're all acquainted lets get the party started!" Derek then shyly reminded Ben that he didn't know my name, and I timidly replied, "Madison." Just as I was starting to feel super overwhelmed by the situation (and the thought of possibly ending up in one of these Matt/Ben look alike's bed later that night) Lucy shows up champy in hand. "Why, hello gentlemen," she says with her man-eater look in the face. I see her checking out both guys and wonder if it's too soon to bathroom break and claim which one we each shall make a move on. But before I can get a word in to Lucy, Ben says suddenly, "Hi Lucy!" and gives her a huge hug hello! It turns out that they are co-workers! Could the world get any smaller. Well, I guess we don't need to figure out who's boy is who's, unless Lucy is in to the whole office romance thing. Still, a conference is in order, I grab Lucy to head to the bathroom.

One our way, we run into my ex. He nonchalantly asks me more information about Matt. "Where is he from & what does he do?" I try to evade the question since I obviously know nothing about him and I pull on Lucy's arm to help me out but she isn't really paying attention to me because she's looking at all the other eye candy in the place. Lucy dishes on her conversation with the ex. Turns out he's back in town for a wedding, and the bachelor party is at Magnolia tonight. And to make matters worse, Lucy mentions that Ben told her earlier that week at work that he was going to be out on Saturday for a bachelor party. Could it be my new hot duo of saviors is actually with the same group that my ex is in? I guess the world can get smaller.

Lucy and I finally reach the lounge in the swanky bathroom, and I tell her to come clean. "What is going on!" I demand. "Oh relax!" she tells me, as she puckers, paints and pouts in the mirror. "Besides" she says with a raised eyebrow "when you see who else is here tonight this will all seem like a drop in the glass". Holy crap, I'm thinking, why didn't I just stay home tonight? She grabs my hand and leads me back out the door. "Wild women coming through" she announces. I consider my options=; there is a window near the sink I could climb through and go MIA for the night, but I did not get a pedi and mani just to let it go to waste in my pajamas...besides, if I went home I would end up eating a pint of Ben & Jerry's in my PJs and my hips def didn't need that, esp since they look oh so good in this little dress. I decided to suck it up and see what else could happen. I would say it couldn't get worse, but then it did. As we leave the bathroom, I am shocked to see Matt, Ben and my ex chatting!!! Every expletive runs through my mind. Lucy notices my deer in the headlight face and steers me towards the bar for more champagne and one of her famous pep talks. She says, "Okay, look. The worst that can happen is that your pal Matt tells your ex he isn't really your boyfriend. It would be embarrassing, yes, but seriously, do you think he is doing that?" I look over, and Matt and my ex seem to be in a serious conversation-there is no laughing, no pointing or staring. I catch Matt's eye and he winks at me, and I know then that I am safe--for now. I said "You are right! give me that red headed slut and lets start this party!" We take our shots, and walk toward the group. Maybe it's the drink, but suddenly I feel like this is "my night", and it shows. I make my way to the dance floor and immediately a hot guy joins me there and starts dancing with me. The music makes me feel free, the lights and the people are like a kaleidoscope; colorful, constantly moving, beautiful. I wonder why I had ever been worried about where the night might go. Then Matt saunters up, with that finely sculpted backside, and asks if he can cut in. Of course I say yes, and we start dancing, and not just with our bodies. I am feeling super sexy right now; the music is just right, our conversation is extremely flirty and fun, and I am saying just the right things to keep it light but sexy. Then he says to me "So, maybe we should rethink our relationship-" and for one horrifying moment I am thinking to myself I am going to be dumped by someone who isn't even my boyfriend and he continues, -"and make it official" as he says that I am momentarily breathless-and balance-less, and I step sideways at an angle that causes to me trip over my own feet and fall. I can feel my face turn a bright crimson, and thinking I just blew the whole thing-I mean who would want to be with me the rest of the night after that? I am the girl who fell. As I go to stand up, he bends over to help me, and we bump heads. At this point all I can do is laugh, and instead of wallowing in my embarrassment, I pull him down onto the floor with me and do something that is rarely in my repertoire- I kiss him, passionately. Then he looks at me and says...Are you OK? How much have you had to drink so far? Just as he says that everything starts to go silent. I feel lightheaded and then complete darkness.

I awake to the sound of beep...beep...beep. As I open my eyes, I find myself in the hospital. Lucy is sitting in a chair next to the hospital bed and I can tell she was crying. "Lucy, what happened? Why am I here?" "Sweetheart, I have something to tell you....Before you took that shot last night, do you remember you and I were talking by the bar? While our heads were turned, someone slipped GHB in your drink. You passed out cold and have been for 9 hours. Matt, your new friend was worried sick, but your ex, he split and the police are looking for to question him." I went to sit up, reeling from the news, but I had such a bad headache I immediately laid back down. "Are you kidding me? What, he was going to rape me or something?" Lucy looked down and slowly shook her head. When she looked back up I could see the fear in her eyes. "When he left the club in such a hurry, the police started to do a background investigation. The name you know him by, is an alias. He has 3 other identities, and with them 3 dead ex-girl friends. The police think he could be a serial murderer, much like a black widow, only he is doing the killing." I laid, in stunned silence as tears began to well in my eyes. I turned away, and when I did, I saw a vase of beautiful roses. I turned back to Lucy "Who are they from?" At that time, Matt walks into the room and says, "They are from me. I have something to tell you also."

If I thought I had heard it all, more was coming. I pushed the nurse button to get some pain medicine for my splitting headache, and Matt continued. "Our meeting was not just by chance. I was hired to come here and get involved with you. By that guy, your ex. I am an actor, you see, well, actually, I am an FBI agent, posing as an actor. I am going to be your personal body guard until we can hunt your ex down. Although I must admit, I don't think being with you 24/7 is going to feel much like a job! I must confess-this is going to be a little more complicated than I originally thought. Your ex has a knack for disappearing and staying underground until he feels it's safe to come up for air. It could be days, weeks, even years so the most important thing is to make sure that you are safe. Now, I need to ask you a few questions...When was the last time you saw each other? Talked to each other? Have you been in contact with him?" I close my eyes as things around me start to get fuzzy. I cant handle all these questions right now. It's too much. "Matt," I say, "that is your name right? Get the hell out of here. I don't believe a word of this crap. Lucy, pass me the phone, I am not talking to anyone until I speak to my parents and my lawyer. This all makes no sense whatsoever and I want everyone OUT OF HERE!" As Lucy slams the door, tears stream down my face. I cry myself to sleep and wake up to my mom stroking my hair away from my face. The sense of relief I feel from seeing my mom and dad sitting next to my hospital bed was absolutely indescribable and I instantly know everything is going to be OK.

Come Story Telling with me!!! The Completed Story

DearSugar — Sun, 16 Sep 2007 14:56:51 -0700

I hope you all enjoyed this new feature as much as I did! Your wild imaginations made for a great story line! To read the completed tale you all helped create, read more

"I am going to bring the salad so will you bring the dessert?" Do we really have to go to this thing? "Yes, we do," I replied. "And," I said pointedly, "we even have to pretend to enjoy ourselves." Mel sighed loudly on the other end of the line, paused, and then said, "Alright fine, I'll pick you up at 6." "Make it 5:30," I said firmly, knowing full well that my little sister Melanie was never, ever on time. Melanie looked at the wall, ignoring my every word, like usual. It was impossible to win any sort of argument with Mel, I thought to myself, as I studied her avoidance. Then I snapped out of my day dream as I realized that I could not see Mel's face since I was talking to her over the phone. I smiled because I knew exactly the look she would have on her face just from the tone of her voice.

"Fine, see you then." she said and I heard her hang up the phone. I sighed as I closed my cell phone. What was I going to do with that girl? Lately, she just hasn't been interested in the things that we have always done together. She doesn't enjoy shopping, she doesn't want to go to the dinner parties, and even working together isn't as fun as it used to be. The hardest part was that I couldn't figure out why. I mean, I know that she's been feeling really self-conscious about her body since her operation, but the doctors assured her that the scars would fully heal. Besides, I couldn't see why she wanted to have her nose shrunk. We both have the cutest button noses and she thought she looked like Toucan Sam. In the back of my mind I think she regrets the whole thing since changing her nose has made her look like a completely different person. She'd never admit to it out loud, though. I could almost swear that even the portrait of mom in my study had to take a second glance to be sure it was Melanie when she came over the other night.

Before the operation, I asked her why and her reply was, "I'm not happy with the way I look. I feel like when I enter a room, my nose is the first thing people see. I work in the fashion industry where EVERYONE is perfect and I want to feel confident."

I knew that a girl named Eva, Mel's frenemy from high school had just landed a job at the same magazine Mel worked for, and had been flirting up a storm with Mel's crush, a drop dead gorgeous Gabriel Aubry look-alike. This is it, I thought, really want my sister to be happy, and I'm not going to let this girl steal her man. Now all I needed was a plan to bring Mel and her crush together without Eva being able to interfere Well, that is for another time.

Right now I have to make a salad. It then occurred to me that I had no idea of what kind of salad to make. Salad nicoise? Potato salad? Caesar salad? Getting up and walking to the fridge, I looked inside of it and debated my choices.

I logged on to YumSugar to find a spectacular salad recipe to take to the dinner party our friends were throwing after but then decided, screw it. I'll order one up from the catering place a few blocks over and just pass it off as my own. Those upper crust socialites won't know the difference because they do the same thing. A knock on the back door jilted me from my food debate.

"Who is it?"
"It's John. I need a cup of sugar neighbor."

I knew full well what he meant by a "cup of sugar" Unfortunately, he meant a cup of sugar and that's it. I'd been lusting after John since he moved in last month, but he seemed more interested in Melanie. "So, how's your sister doing?" he said as I opened up the door. "She has a telephone, and a number; both work surprisingly well what with technology and all," I said. "Bad day or what Kim? Please, if it's hard to be neighborly, keep the cup of sugar and the comments," John said.
"No, no, I just, yes, bad day, long day. Whatever you want to call it," a little sigh escaping my mouth. "Please just take the sugar and accept my apology."

He took the sugar from me and as he started looking away I spoke without thinking as I always do, "What's the sugar for, SUGAR?". What was I thinking I just called a grown man SUGAR! I leaned againts the wall trying to recover, arms crossed. With that, John flashed his 1000-watt smile and took the cup.

"Thanks for the sugar, sugar" he laughed, walking out the door. I couldn’t help but smile; I abhor cutesy pet name but I’d be his sugar anytime. “SALAD, Kim” I reminded myself. I decided to call Café Dulce up the street.

“Yes, I’d like to order a fruit and walnut salad” I started, “ohh, and a dozen mini Lindsor Tortes” I continued. Mel might forget to bring dessert, but those trust fund babies weren’t going to be looking down their sculpted noses at the DeMaui sisters. Yikes, I’ll have to wean myself off the nose job humor, I thought, thinking of Mel. Just then the phone rang, I couldn’t believe it - it was John, he said, "thanks again for the sugar, but I'm gay so please stop hitting on me - it's pathetic." I was so shocked by the phone call that I simply said "Get over yourself" and dropped the receiver.

I was too busy to deal with such rudeness. I had just enough time to get to the store and back before 5:30 so I grabbed my car keys and headed out. On the way I ran into Mario. And I have to tell you that after that phone call, Mario was looking like the fresh drink of water that I needed. So I asked him if he might like to join me for dinner? What was I thinking dinner? After totally embarrassing myself with John, and here I am asking this tall drink of water to dinner. Oh my God please tell me I didn't just ask him! Please God, Please God! Mario had been a student in the ESL class I taught, and I had a crush on him that had been hard to hide. I'd seen him out for a walk several times since but chickened out and gone the other way before we got to speaking distance. And no wonder, I sounded like a total idiot; Mario quirked an eyebrow, and I could tell he was trying to hide a smile because his adorable dimple creased his cheek. "Bella Mia do you realize yourself? You are speaking strange things out aloud. I do not understand your drink of water. You are...it is....giornata stressante, no?" He shook his head. stressful day. That was putting it gently. "And your shoes --" he gestured. I looked down -- one sandal and one sneaker. Both left footed. Now I looked like a total idiot. "I just..." I broke off helplessly, flinging up my hands up in a gesture of humiliated resignation. I could feel a blush rise to my cheeks.

He caught one of my hands and stepped in close before I could pull away. "Yes, I would like dinner with you, anywhere, anytime." he murmured. "Tonight?" "Yes," I squeaked in spite of myself as his warm fingers traced my knuckles and trailed down to trace my fingertips. I could feel my pulse fluttering like a caught sparrow. If he did anything else I would melt right here on the sidewalk. How was I going to manage having dinner with him? Oh my god, I had invited him to my dinner party tonight. The one I was hosting for my ex-best friend and my ex-fiance.

My thoughts veered away from old memories, as I realized how close Mario was standing to me, his breath warm on my face. "Tonight, when?" he prompted gently. "6:00. My place and I'll drive you over." My mouth said, smiling, as my brain frantically screamed: zip your lips, girl, shut your mouth, call it off, call it off, get a rain check, you can't handle this tonight, you'll wreck any chances with him if you drag him into this, call it off, wow, he smells good and his hands are so warm....ohhhh....

"Not at your house, then?" he sounded faintly disappointed, then his dimple quirked again. "I will drive. It is a new Ferrari 612 Scaglietti - you will love it." He leaned in close, brushed a straying lock of hair off my face and kissed each cheek -- a European farewell. I could still feel the softness and warmth of his mouth long after he turned the corner and disappeared down Tobein avenue.

I floated home, despite the two left shoes, trying to figure out what to do next. What did I have that looked good that didn't ride up indecently in a Ferrari? How could I stand to be in the same room with ex-best-friend Beth or ex-fiance Sean again? Frack me, I had forgotten the salad, I realized as I changed for the tenth time. So long as I didn't put on two left shoes again, the rest would fix itself, I told myself determinedly, digging through my closet and changing again. I wasn't going to let anything screw up tonight with Mario. Especially given the circumstances of this dinner party I had to endure. I put on my sexiest red dress and did my makeup just right before finally deciding to delve into the salad once and for all. Finally my day is now over.

I had the salad, my outfit was way too sexy for Mario, and I knew I could face the rest. As I was thinking of changing the bed sheets for maybe a little surprise for Mario, I heard the door open and Mel say "hey Tracy, I'm here with the desert," I flung the duvet over my rumpled unmade bed, grabbed the salad out of the fridge, and checked my makeup one last time in the upstairs hall mirror. As hurried down the stairs to the front door entry, I heard a cacophony of noise -- car doors slamming, raised voices, running footsteps, and startled exclamations. I slipped on the steps and almost fell -- all the noise and chaos made the tiny foyer into Grand Central Station. I could see Mel holding the cake platter overhead with two hands, shrieking, trying to stay out of the way of a tangle of arguing men. I heard fragments of conversation "--only kissed her hello--" "--NOT gay!" "--stop fighting, my cake--" "--friend Eva was lying--" "--not GAY, I want her--" "--how they say hello in where I come from--" My neighbor John spurted free of the fracas and careened into me, grabbing my arm for balance the salad bowl spun out of my grasp. I fell with John still in his death grip and yelling in my ear

"--said I was gay to get you to leave me alone, you thick-skulled twit!" And we landed with in a heap, knocking into the crowd on the floor. A confetti of field greens and pear tomatoes rained down us. Wedged between John's shoulder and Mario's knee, I had a perfect view of Mel tilted against Gabe's chest (her crush!), the upraised cake wobbling precariously. I pinched my eyes shut, wincing. All I needed was Eva's frenemy Eva to show up to make this a total disaster. I felt salad dressing drip on my cheek and a tomato bounce into my cleavage.
Mario reached down and hauled me to my feet, and his laughing voice in my ear made me shiver. "Cara Mia, you invite disasters, my Armani is ruined, and yet I have I crave nothing but to taste your tomatoes."

Women's Common Complaint: I'm Too Tired to Do It

DearSugar — Tue, 20 Nov 2007 11:00:00 -0800

Having sex is a great way to relieve stress and express your love for someone. The problem is, sometimes we can feel too tired at night for an hour-long romp in the sheets. We get up early, work eight or more hours a day, run errands, make dinner, do the dishes, and by the end of it all, we're exhausted. We've got sleep on the mind, not sex.

Here are some tips that may help:

Don't get hung up on both of you having orgasms. Remember that sex is about intimacy and closeness. So spend some time making out and loving each other, and don't worry about necessarily having sex.
If you do want to have sex, get into bed earlier. That way you'll have enough energy to make love and you'll be finished just in time for bedtime.
Exercise during the day. It improves your stamina and also gives you energy for fun things at the end of your day.

Want to see the rest? Then read more

Have sex in the morning, during the day, or right after work. Who says you have wait until the evening to get it on?
Take turns pleasing each other. Since it can take women a lot longer to orgasm, alternate who gets to climax. Maybe tonight you focus on getting your man to have an orgasm, and the next time, it's all about you. Then when it's your turn, you'll get to relax and just enjoy the sensations without having to do a thing.
If you do like to have sex before you hit the hay, make sure you eat dinner at least two hours before, and make it a light meal. If you stuff yourself late and then go to bed, you'll feel sluggish and not at all in the mood for love.
Take a shower before you crawl into bed. It'll wake you up and make you feel clean, sexy, and in the mood.

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You Asked: We Broke Up on Christmas Eve

DearSugar — Sun, 30 Dec 2007 05:04:49 -0800

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend of four years and I broke up on the morning of Christmas Eve. Talk about bad timing. Christmas Day was really, really hard on me. We've been together since I was really young, and I feel like I don't know myself without him. I’m so attached to him and even though things hadn't been right with our relationship for a long time and I knew it had to end, it’s still the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with. After four years, he's honestly my best friend, and I want to stay that way. We plan on seeing each other and hanging out and doing the fun things we used to do together.

It might sound strange, but I feel like I belong with him. I think about "my side" of the bed, and the drawer at his place where I kept my things, and the passenger side of his car being "my seat." I feel so empty and even though it was time for it to end, I miss him with all my heart. I'm trying to be as strong as I can be and not show my weakness around him. How do I get over this? I want to be excited again. I have my whole life ahead of me (I’m 21), and I haven’t been single since junior high school. But I just feel so depressed and usually when I’m upset, I run to him. So I have no idea what to do. Please help!

- Devastated Devon

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Devastated Devon,

Break ups are the hardest thing in the world while you’re going through them. It’s going to take some time in order for your heart to heal and for you to feel like you can live your life without him. Take comfort in the fact that deep down inside, you knew this relationship wasn’t right and that breaking up was the best thing.

With all that said, my advice is to have space from him. I know you said you want to remain friends, but you need to grieve your relationship first. There is no way you’ll be able to get over him if you continue to see and talk to him. It will give you a false sense of hope that you’ll get back together. So be strong on your own without him. Spend time with your friends and do what makes you happy. When you're upset, talk about your feelings or write them down in a journal. Keeping them inside will only make you feel more lonely and depressed.

This relationship was like a habit and of course for a while, everything that you do will make you think of him. So as you spend time being single, you’ll get used to being on your own. The first few weeks and even months will be awful, but every day that passes will get easier and easier, until you get over him (and you will get over him). Breaking up with this guy will allow room in your heart for new relationships, so just be patient and try to think about the amazing life you have ahead of you.

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The How-To Lounge: Spicing Up the Mundane

DearSugar — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 10:00:50 -0700

One of the most common couples' complaints is not having enough time for intimacy. In response, people always offer a rather silly solution: Set aside a special “sexy” time. This may work for some people, but personally I think the idea of setting a sex schedule is mildly depressing. I think it’s far sexier to turn boring life obligations into intense foreplay. To check out some fun suggestions, read more

Exhaustion can really put a damper on a person's mood, so you have to beat it. Instead of rushing to get the dishes done and the kitchen cleaned after dinner, head on over to bed. You don’t even have to get in it to enjoy a little nooky. The dishes aren’t going anywhere, but your mood just might.
Cleaning isn’t typically fun or sexy, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be. Don’t worry: I’m not going to suggest vacuuming in the buff - though please give it a go if you’re so daring - but I do think that giving him some positive reinforcements while he’s cleaning will liven things up. Every time he bends over, give his toosh a squeeze. Or each time either of you finishes a task, give each other a swoonworthy kiss!
There’s nothing quite as frustrating as getting stuck in some killer weekend traffic. Often you can find yourself frustrated, angry, and ignoring your significant other. Use that time to engage in some serious dirty talk; he won’t see it coming from a mile away. Sure, you’re not in public per se, but it can still feel pretty exciting.
When you’re at the market, pick up something totally decadent but welcomed in the bedroom: whipped cream, berries, a luscious bar of dark chocolate, or a pint of dulce du leche ice cream. Then make use of it before, or even while, you put away the groceries.

Keeping the romance alive is all about having fun, so make every moment a good one!

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