TresSugar

Ask an Older Woman: Help! My Friend's With a Married Man

TresSugar — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 06:00:00 -0800

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. If you have a question you'd like answered on Conventional Wisdom, you can submit it here.

Today's question: One of my good friends has been seeing a married man for about a year. He also just happens to be her boss. When we get together, she bombards me with the details of their relationship. He tells her he's never been happier, and that he'll leave his wife for her soon (yeah, we've heard that one before!) and she seems to believe him. My problem with this whole thing is that not only am I sick of listening to her, and of course could tell her so, but I've lost respect for her. Is it wrong to break up with a friend who's doing things I find morally reprehensible? Is there anything I can do to get through to her that what she is doing is horrible for her, not to mention this man's wife?

Signed, Confused Friend.

To hear what an older woman has to say, read more
Dear Confused Friend,

Ahh, the folly of youth. For every bad relationship I bored my friends with, I in turn listened to details about men (or women) they were with who didn't deserve them. It's part of being a friend.

My best advice to you is to be honest with your friend. You don't mention if you've told her how you feel, or if you did, how she reacted. If you haven't, now is the time to start. Tell her you care about her, but you think that contributing to cheating is morally messed up, and that in the end she's probably just going to get hurt. (I guess "the other woman" sometimes ends up with the guy, but who wants to end up with a cheater?) Also, sleeping with your married boss? Pretty dumb. Do other people in her office know? This is not good for her professional life either. I'd tell her that, too, although it's hard to imagine an adult who doesn't know this.

If you really like this friend and this is the only thing she's done that makes you question her character, ride it out and hope she comes to her senses. There's only so much advice we can give people. If you've told her how you feel and she continues with this affair, that's her decision. If she steers you toward this topic when you hang out, just let her know you don't feel comfortable listening to it anymore.

Sometimes, though, if friends do sketchy things, those acts are a window into the rest of their sketchy selves. I had a friend who not only cheated on her husband once, but throughout their marriage, and I began to notice that her behavior towards him mirrored her behavior towards me and everyone else. She was selfish, narcissistic and unable to ever admit fault. We'd had fun partying together when we were younger, but as we grew older, I realized I needed to respect my friends. After a blowout fight when she said horrible things to me, I took it as my cue to get out, and I dumped her.

You're in a tricky situation, but honesty is the best policy. If you can't be honest with her, maybe you aren't really great friends to begin with, in which case slowly turning down her invitations to hang out and discuss him should send her a message. Good luck!

Ask Someone Dealing With Depression: Should I Be Mad at My Friend For Telling People I'm Depressed?

TresSugar — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. This week, someone who deals with depression gives advice to a woman who is mad at her friend for telling people in her circle that she is depressed. If you have a question, you can submit them here.

This week's question:

I shared my struggles with depression with my closest female friend and told her that I did not want anyone else to know about it. She decided that because I wasn't answering her calls she would call the wife of a leader in our church and ask her for my husband's cell phone number so she could call him, asking about me. My "best friend" told the woman that I was going through something serious and when the woman said, "At least she's not seeking outside help" my friend said, "Well, I don't know for sure if she is or isn't."

Why else would she call her and say those things unless her intentions were to let her know about my situation and to inform her I "might" be seeking outside help for my depression? I found out about this conversation from the leader's wife and she only admitted to it after she knew that I knew about it. She insists that she only had my good in mind.

The thing is, it was a really huge deal to me that these people not be in on it because I know that they would attack me for being depressed in the first place, and also if I sought help outside of the church. The last thing I needed at that time was some church discipline. I was really suffering! I am so mad at my best friend for saying anything; should I forgive her?

Signed,

Angry and Depressed

To hear what someone dealing with depression has to say, read more.

Dear Angry and Depressed,

There seem to be three related but separate issues here: one is your anger at your friend, the second is the question of how your church is handling this, and the third is how to actually manage your struggle with depression.

As someone who has been through a lot with both depression and anxiety, I empathize with your situation. Depression hurts. As for your friend, I think you need to assess who this friend is to you, and whether she reached out to others because she was simply worried and didn't know how to handle it. While the outcome might have been a problem, if she did it out of legitimate concern I think she may be a real friend who just handled things badly because she cares and was confused about what to do.

My major concern with what you have said is that your church community thinks there is something wrong with getting outside help. Admittedly, I am not religious and have never belonged to a church, but I strongly feel that a community of any kind that is truly concerned with one of their members' well-being will support them in what they need, and not be judgmental about what that support might be. I think it would be worth explaining to your friend that what she might have considered finding you support actually feels like discipline, and that she needs to be more sensitive to what you need.

Finally there is the question of your depression itself. I do not want to assume you are in a situation where professional help from a therapist or doctor would be appropriate, but severe depression is something you need to talk to a professional about. If you feel like you are not getting help from your friends, family, or church, you're taking care of yourself by asking for outside help. Doctors are legally required to respect your privacy, and you could ask if they would refer you to a therapist.

Far more people struggle with depression than we can imagine when we are sitting alone with our thoughts, and there is support out there for you. You may just have been going through a rough patch and not need anything further, but depression is too serious a condition not to explore your options. Don't be discouraged if it doesn't seem like you can't find the right person to help you right away, but there are also lots of great people out there who can help. As for your friend, tell her how her action made you feel, give her the benefit of the doubt, and seek some relief for your pain from professionals. Good luck!

Could You Get Rich Playing Therapist to Your Friends?

DearSugar — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 14:39:21 -0700

The Hills returned last night with many heart-to-heart talks - some of them surprising, others predictable. In the second episode of the new season, Stephanie and her brother Spencer have it out over how he treats Heidi. In the clip below, Stephanie points out that he's not exactly treating Heidi well and claims, "If I was a therapist, I'd be a millionaire with how many conversations I have with Heidi."

I can definitely identify with that one; some of my friends would owe me serious cash if I started charging for my services, but I don't mind. How about you: Do you have a friend whose therapy needs could make you millions?

Where Do You Stand? Our Oversharing Generation

DearSugar — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 07:30:00 -0700

With Twitter, Facebook, and MySpace taking over the Internet, it's hard to escape from this oversharing generation we've created. With a push of a button, we can now track our friends through their cell phones, Twitter our life stories, update our relationship status, and tell the world whatever is on our minds. And while I think these easy methods of staying connected with friends and family are a great benefit of our time, I also think a little mystery can be beneficial to all relationships.

I know there's a lot to be said here, so tell me where you stand on our current obsession with oversharing.

Source

Group Therapy: Would You Want to Know?

Thu, 19 Mar 2009 04:00:00 -0700

My boyfriend of two years broke up with me 10 months ago and I was devastated, to say the least. I decided the best way to get over him was to cut off all contact so I never called, emailed, or contacted his friends. We only had one mutual friend, who I still work with, but we never talk about him. This friend recently told my best girlfriend that my ex is engaged and after mulling it over, she broke the news to me.

I might be the minority here but I'm actually really upset that she told me. I have been trying to move on, date other people, work on myself and deepen my friendships, and I feel like this is going to be a major setback for me. I can't stop thinking of him and wondering who he's engaged to and how he could do this 10 months after ending our relationship. I know she thought she was doing the right thing, but I'm angry and curious to know if you would tell one of your friends in the same situation? Am I overreacting?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To read more GROUP THERAPY, click here or submit your own question here.]

Source

You Asked: I'm Terribly Homesick

DearSugar — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 13:15:23 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I moved from California to England to be with my husband. He said it would be a short term move, until we could get his Visa sorted out, but seven and a half years later, I'm still here with no light at the end of the tunnel. I am incredibly home sick and miss my family and friends terribly. The economy in both places is ruining our chance to move back and I know there is nothing we can do about it. I want a better life for our daughter and I know the best place for her is around her family in California. This isn't my husband's fault, but I'm starting to resent him for my unhappiness. I am feeling like there is no hope for me and I am destined to spend my life being unhappy about where I live. Help! - Homesick Holly

To see DearSugar's answer read more

Dear Homesick Holly,

I'm sorry to hear that you're unhappy living in England. It's definitely a different world than sunny California, but since you're going to be there for a little longer, I think it'd be best to just make the most of it. Since Spring/Summer is quickly approaching, could you make a few trips back home while your daughter is out of school? Or could you ask your friends and family to come out to England to visit you? Seeing a familiar face could really help lift your spirits.

I hear that you're homesick, but dwelling on it will only intensify those feelings, and being unhappy will just make it worse for your daughter. I advise you to talk to your husband, tell him how you feel, and see if you can't come up with some ways to make this living situation better for you. If you've made friends out there, try to strengthen those relationships, get involved in your community, go out and meet new people, explore your surroundings, or get a part-time job to keep you busy.

Yes, our economic state is making things difficult for everyone right now, but it won't last forever. I wish you luck and hope you can get home sooner rather than later.

Source

Group Therapy: How Do I Deal With My Friend's Annoying Habit?

Mon, 16 Mar 2009 04:00:00 -0700

One of my best friends has a very sensitive constitution - if her stomach isn't upset, she's got a cold, or the shingles, or the flu - you name it, she has it. She's one of those people who will tell you exactly how she's really feeling when you simply say, "Hi, how are you?"

Her latest thing is that she's been diagnosed with IBS, which explains her multitude of stomach problems and food sensitivities. Today I met her and a couple of other girls for lunch. We were discussing what to eat and she went on to say, "I was thinking of the pasta, but then I'd probably have diarrhea later today because of the wheat." I've learned to just tune her out, but after she left, one of the girls proceeded to tell me how annoying her constant need to complain is. I know she doesn't mean to do it and I want to help her out, but how do I tell her nicely to stop bringing up all her ailments? I don't want to offend her (she's pretty sensitive), but sometimes it's just overkill and I feel like it's my duty as her friend to tell her that she's starting to annoy people. Is it worth saying something or should I just leave her alone?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To read more GROUP THERAPY, click here or submit your own question here.]

Source

You Asked: Are My Feelings Justified?

DearSugar — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 12:30:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I went to a party on a Saturday night. We had a great time and as the night progressed, the drinks started to flow. A dance party erupted in the living room and as I was talking with some girlfriends off to the side, I saw my boyfriend dancing rather inappropriately with a girl I had never met before. I was pretty taken a back and honestly, I'm still really upset about it. My friends seem to think it was no big deal, especially since I was at the party with him, but I can't help but worry about his behavior when I'm not around. I don't want to cause an unnecessary fight, but I'm really hurt. Am I overreacting? - Perturbed Penelope

To see DearSugar's answer read more

Dear Perturbed Penelope,

If you're upset with your boyfriend's actions at the party, you should most definitely talk to him about it. Your friends are entitled to their opinion, but this is your relationship, not theirs, and if your feelings are hurt, you're not overreacting.

You mentioned that you're concerned with the way your boyfriend behaves when you're not around so I have to ask if he's acted inappropriately before. Regardless, what matters most here is that you're secure in your relationship, and it doesn't sound like you are. In an effort to avoid an argument, approach your boyfriend in a very nonthreatening manor. Let him know that his actions hurt your feelings, and if he doesn't understand where you're coming from, simply ask him how he'd feel if you were dancing the same way with a man he's never met before - I have a feeling he'll get it once you reverse the situation! Hopefully, a good heart to heart will smooth things over - good luck.

Source

True Confession - I'm Crushing on My Best Friend's Husband

DearSugar — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 06:00:00 -0800

Weigh in and tell us if you forgive or not forgive this True Confession.

"I am completely in lust with my best friend's husband and I hate myself for it. We flirt innocently, but I don't know if I could turn him down if he took it to another level and made a move on me. My best friend is like a sister to me, but I just can't help myself. Can I be forgiven for secretly feeling this way?"

Source

Where Do You Stand? Overusing Pet Names

DearSugar — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 06:00:00 -0800

Run of the mill pet names like babe, honey, or gorgeous are really sweet when they come from the love in your life, but since they are such standard terms of endearment, it's easy to use them with your friends, too.

For example, when a girlfriend of mine was dating her now-ex-boyfriend, he would always refer to her as sweetie, but he referred to her friends as sweetie too! To be honest it creeped me out a bit - if I were her I'd want that nickname to remain sacred between us - but tell me where you stand on the idea of reusing pet names with platonic friends.

Source