TresSugar

You Asked: My Boyfriend Doesn't Believe in Himself

DearSugar — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 12:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend just graduated from college last Spring and is taking some time off. Right now he's taking community college classes and deciding what direction he wants to go with his life (grad school, career, etc). His parents are more than fine with supporting him - he's worked really hard, and deserves a break - so he can avoid jumping into something he hates. Unfortunately, he doesn't see it that way. He feels lazy and wants to get a job to occupy his time, but all of the jobs that seem interesting don't respond to him (it's a tough job market right now).

I try to tell him that he should take this time to pursue stuff he loves and that something amazing will come eventually, but there's only so much I can say without sounding like a broken record. I've also tried to help him find jobs (he does freelance website design, so I've gotten him a few clients) but once again, there's only so much that I can do. He's down a lot and I feel down when I can't cheer him up. What can I do?

- Cheering Him Up Chelsea

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Cheering Him Up Chelsea,

The time between graduation and before you jump into the professional world is extremely confusing and scary. In school there's a very clear path to follow, but once you reach the end, the sudden lack of direction can leave a person feeling inadequate and lost. But eventually most people find their way, especially if they're capable and hardworking.

For now, it certainly sounds like you're doing everything you can to support him even though I'm sure this is hard on you too. If I were you, I'd recommend that he start applying for internships in any of the fields he might be interested in. Not only are they a great way to discover if a particular job might be for him without the commitment of an actual paying job, but they'll keep him busy and help him build a resume, which could perk up his mood quite a bit. For someone with parents willing and able to support them, internships are a great way to make the jump from student to employee.

As far as grappling with his bleak mood in the meantime, keep doing what you're doing. Though the practical stuff is important, don't be afraid to remind him of how much he matters to you as a boyfriend, career aspirations aside. With that said, a jolt of tough love never hurt anyone. Sometimes people need a reminder that things could be worse, and trust me, in his case, they certainly can. And for sanity's sake, you both need to remember this situation is only temporary. Remind yourself of that every day if you have to and help him do the same.

Source

You Asked: I Am Afraid of Failure

DearSugar — Fri, 30 Mar 2007 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar --

I am a Senior at an art school and will be getting my Bachelor's in Advertising soon. I recently entered an ad campaign for a competition and didn't make it. Everyone says that my ads are great. Truthfully, I am never satisfied with my work and feel that I have no talent. I am not sure what to do now. I've come this far in school and I am not sure if I am really good at it. I really feel that I won't be able to get a job when school's over. I try to believe in myself, but somehow I can't. I really need your advice! Thank you. ~Deterred Dana

To see DEARSUGAR's response, read more

Dear Deterred Dana --

You can't let one little setback get you down! I bet you won't meet a lot of successful people in this world that have not lost at least one competition in their lives. People who have never lost a contest probably have never entered one. We can learn a lot more from our failures than we can from our successes. Take Michael Jordan, the basketball legend, for example. He was initially cut from his high school basketball team and then went on to become a superstar.

I suggest that you pick yourself up, brush yourself off and get back out there. It sounds like you have not started applying for jobs yet, so don't be so hard on yourself. Start searching the online job boards (MediaBistro.com is great for creative jobs), visit your school's career center to find out when companies will be on campus recruiting and send your resume and portfolio to companies you are interested in working for. Before you know it, you will start booking interviews and they will see all you have to offer. This will help you regain your confidence. Think positively, and I wish you good luck!

You Asked: New Job, New Look?

DearSugar — Tue, 06 Mar 2007 06:01:00 -0800

Dear Sugar
I'm three years out of college and I've never had a job that required me to dress up. Not ever having gotten in the habit of wearing makeup, this also means I've never worn any to work. However, I'm being offered a job that will require full business attire, and I feel like it behooves me to develop on a sophisticated presence. I have a young face (people think I am a freshman in college!) and while this will in the long run be an asset, it makes me insecure in this type of situation. I want to go for something subtle, but I have no idea where to start. Help, please! --Clueless Cassie

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Dear Clueless Cassie
Congratulations on the new job. How exciting! You're right, of course, that dressing and looking professional matter. That doesn't mean, Clueless Cassie, you need to dress like a Fortune 500 CEO, but the right clothing and fresh makeup will help with perception and self-confidence.

Decoding work dress codes can be challenging, so I suggest checking out your new environment before breaking the bank on a new wardrobe. There are many stores that have exactly what you need. Anne Taylor, J. Crew and Banana Republic specialize in business-casual attire, with great options for mix-and-match office chic. If you buy a few pairs of pants and skirts in basic colors -- grey, black and khaki -- you can alternate your sweaters and blouses to create a fresh look everyday.

Invest in a good pair of closed-toe shoes, and make sure the heels are manageable. I recommend keeping your toes covered; open-toed shoes in a business environment can be a little iffy.

When it comes to your make-up, less is more. And you don't need to be an expert with so many around! Find a good department store with a great cosmetics section, and tell them what you told me. I superlove all the cosmetics staff at Nordstrom's; they're friendly, knowledgeable, low on pressure and high on service. You can return anything, which is very helpful when that red lipstick looks coral in natural light. Bobby Brown, Clinique, and Prescriptives are known for their natural looks and colors, so hit those counters first. I recommend a tinted moisturizer to even out your skin tone, a good mascara, and some sheer lip gloss. Maybe a very little blush. A few good basics will pull together your look very nicely and easily.

Congratulations again on the new job! Learning curves and new environments can be stressful; remember to get enough sleep, practice good eating habits and try, try, try to keep a regular schedule outside of work. A little routine will help keep you grounded.

Source

Do Tell: What Was Your First Job?

DearSugar — Sat, 03 Mar 2007 09:00:00 -0800

Maybe I'm just having a fit of nostalgia, but this week I had the most vivid flashbacks about my first official job, the one with a printed paycheck, the timeclock, and an expectation of ironed clothes. I was a sales clerk at a fussy department store; I was sixteen, and all the women who worked in my area were over fifty and very, very serious about selling clothes. This might have had something to do with the low wages, the commission, and the 'hole' one accumulated if you didn't make your sales quota. Anyway, I learned to appreciate their naked ambition and clever strategizing, their refined manners and subtle perfumes. It was a good, if unsentimental, education.

Do tell, ladies, what was your first real-life job? What was it like? What did you learn from it? Did anything mortifying happen?!

Source

Behind the Iron Curtain: Was Sex Better Before the Wall's Fall?

TresSugar — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 10:13:52 -0800

Life may be better since the fall of the Berlin Wall, but is sex? It was at first. Prostitutes came in vans, porn was everywhere, and sex shops opened like wine bars in a gentrifying neighborhood. Yet interest waned throughout the '90s, and nostalgia set in for "love as it was before."

Before, men and women didn't need porn to get excited or toys to orgasm. What did they need? Imagination, says former relationship columnist Jutta Resch-Treuwerth, and they had it. Poll after poll shows there was lots of "imagination" behind the iron curtain. On average, East Germans lost their virginity earlier, had twice as much sex, and had more orgasms than their Western counterparts.

So what made sex so "gut"? Find out after the jump

Emma Thompson Tells Trafficked Woman's Story in Art

TresSugar — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 07:00:00 -0800

Academy-award winning actress Emma Thompson was so moved by the plight of a Moldovan woman who survived being trafficked for sex, she decided to create an art installation that would help viewers to put themselves in Elena's shoes and bring attention to this growing problem.

"Journey," which will be exhibited in New York City Nov. 10 to 16 in Washington Square Park, tells the story of Elena, a woman from the Eastern European republic of Moldova who, at age 18, was promised a secretarial job in England. Instead, once she got there, her passport was confiscated and she was forced into prostitution.

"Journey" consists of seven shipping containers. Each has a keyhole through which the viewer can peer to see a chronology of Elena's story. The first shipping container depicts Elena's childhood and the loss of her father. In another, the viewer can see Elena approached in a Moldovan marketplace and offered work.

Thompson personally curated one of the more disturbing of the shipping containers which depicts Elena's forced prostitution in England. She had Oscar-winning costume designer Sandy Powell design the clothes she was forced to wear, and when the viewer looks into the keyhole, she sees her face superimposed onto the body of a woman in prostitute's clothing. They wanted the viewer to have an experience of what it meant to lose one's identity. Thompson said that even men "didn't laugh or find it funny. They understood absolutely what it meant."

Thompson met Elena while doing work with UNODC (United Nations Office on Drug and Crime) to help raise awareness about the practice of trafficking women, and it sounds as if she's not only telling her plight, she's giving Elena the voice that was taken away from her. In the last shipping container, Elena tells her story on tape.

Ask Two Guys About Guys: Why Do Men Who Have Partners Masturbate?

TresSugar — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 11:01:00 -0700

Colin Nissan and Sean Farrell of Don't Be That Guy fame have graciously agreed to answer some burning questions we women folk have about men. So check out their answer to the first question and stay tuned for more!

Today's question to Two Guys: "Why, if men get regular sex from their girlfriends or wives, do some of them still need to masturbate?"

To hear what the Two Guys have to say, read more.

On paper, we know this one doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. But then, neither does whacking off into a perfectly good sock and we do that too.

Ever since that magical adolescent day when we discovered there was amusement park in our pants, there was no turning back. We were powerless. Our penis became the puppeteer and when it told us it was time to dance, we danced. Boy, did we dance.

Please don’t make the mistake of taking this personally. For guys, masturbating is as unsexual, unromantic and unceremonial as doing Sudoku. It’s simply our default time killer. If there’s a two-minute lull at any given moment, our brain’s job is to assess the situation to determine the viability of a tug session. It’s very similar to the “Fight or Flight” adrenaline response, which incidentally, has been formally updated in some periodicals as “Fight, Flight or Masturbate Syndrome.”

Remember, this isn’t about you. It’s about us, our penises, maybe some lotion and the biological demons that we certainly can’t be held accountable for.

Hump Day: I'm Self-Conscious About Receiving Oral Sex

TresSugar — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 06:00:00 -0700

Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's sex advice column. Are you confused about sex? Do you have trouble having an orgasm? Is there something you'd like to try but you're worried it's too weird? Send your questions to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!

Today's Question:

"I'm very self-conscious about my body, and that extends to receiving oral sex. I like to give blow jobs to my boyfriend, but I worry about smelling and tasting good so I rarely let him reciprocate. I wonder if I never get satisfaction when I let him go downtown (he has to practically beg!) because I can't relax enough to enjoy it. Any advice?"

To hear what Dr. Glickman has to say, read more

First off, the vagina is self-cleaning, as long as it's healthy. I mention that because I want to make sure that it's very clear that all of the myths about the vagina being dirty have more to do with sexism and sex-negativity than anything else. That was a bit different in the past, when women's medical needs weren't really addressed and things like yeast infections and bacterial vaginosis went untreated. At the same time, if you ever suspect that your scent has changed, that can be a sign of these or other conditions and it's worth getting checked out by a medical professional.

But assuming that there isn't anything like that going on for you, you definitely have my sympathies. Worries about our bodies and how our partners perceive us is a serious mood-killer. And the irony is that our partners often either don't mind or actively admire exactly those parts of our bodies that we're worrying about!

From what you've written, it sounds like your boyfriend has no problem going down on you. After all, if he's begging for it, it's probably something that he's into. How does he describe your scent or taste? If he's just as enthusiastic about that, maybe that can help you reframe how you feel about it. As the saying goes, we each have our own tastes (sorry for the bad pun, but I couldn't resist).

Try taking a shower before having sex. If you do it together, then it becomes part of the warm-up instead of a chore. While it may not be strictly necessary, if it helps you relax, there's no reason not to. Just don't overdo it with the soap. The vulva (the exterior female sex organs) is covered with sensitive skin and some women find that washing too much can be irritating. And don't get soap inside the vagina - it can be irritating or even set off a yeast infection if you're sensitive.

It might also help if the two of you approach oral sex as a pleasure in itself, rather than worrying about whether you'll have an orgasm from it. Set the bar a little lower for a while and aim for discovering ways that it can feel good for you, even if you don't have an orgasm. Make it a science experiment and have him try different techniques so you can discover how they feel. One great way to do that is for him to do two different things, such as sucking your clitoris or making circles with his tongue for a little bit. Then you decide whether you liked A or B more. It's a fun way to explore new sensations and keep your focus on what you're feeling, rather than worrying about your scent. If he needs some ideas for things to try, Tristan Taormino's Expert Guide to Oral Sex is a great DVD on the topic. Or check out Violet Blue's book Ultimate Guide To Cunnilingus for a fun read.

It could also be helpful if you ask your boyfriend for some positive reinforcement afterwards. After all, you're moving into an edge of your comfort zone and you deserve some hugs for that. When you're ready to move on from the oral experimentation, you'll probably feel better about it if he tells you how much he enjoyed it and that he's glad that the two of you are trying it out. If he goes too far and starts seeming pushy about it, that could backfire, so a light touch is better. But that's a really good way to make sure that you end on a positive note.

I hope that this helps. I know that it can be really hard when exploring out things that feel uncomfortable. It's a good idea to stretch enough to give it a serious try without going so far that it's too much. Take it slowly and remember - you want it to be fun!

Elisabeth Moss: Peggy Olson Is the "Ultimate Feminist"

TresSugar — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 16:00:00 -0700

Elisabeth Moss told New York magazine's Vulture that career women in the '60s weren't trying to change the world but simply trying to improve their lives. She said:

"These women weren’t trying to change everyone's lives; they just wanted to get their chance to do their job, and in that way she's the ultimate feminist."

The definition of feminism is subjective and always changing, but were women like Peggy the ultimate feminists or just the first(ish)?

Front Page: Unemployment Might Create a Lost Generation

TresSugar — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 08:00:22 -0700

The job crisis is hitting young people just out of college especially hard, which could have a long-term negative impact on an entire generation. - Business Week
American Elinor Ostrom has become the first woman to win the Nobel prize for economics. - BBC News
Iraq's National Theater has opened again for the first time in six years, as nightlife begins to return to Baghdad. - Telegraph
Hillary Clinton says President Obama's attitude toward America's role in the world won him the Nobel Peace Prize. - AP
Couples Retreat starring Vince Vaughn had a big opening weekend to come in first place at the box office. - BuzzSugar