TresSugar

The Word "Fiancé": Love It or Leave It?

TresSugar — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 04:00:00 -0700

A friend of mine recently got engaged but shudders at using the word "fiancé" to refer to her affianced. It feels more natural to say "boyfriend" when talking about her husband-to-be. I propose that she go with something intentionally hokey, like "my intended." How do you feel about using the word fiancé?

Source: Flickr User Milla.Deet

You Asked: Should We Un-Invite Them to Our Wedding?

DearSugar — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I got engaged last November, and our wedding is set for Oct. 18. Last March, my fiancé's company was bought out by a corporation and in early April, the entire office was shut down unexpectedly. He was out of work until July when he was hired by a small independent technology company (and by small, I mean a total of seven employees). He was having a great time for the first few months; he really enjoyed his new boss, co-workers and responsibilities. During that time, we were writing out our wedding guest list and to be friendly, we invited his new co-workers and their significant others. A few months later, he became really unhappy with the company as a whole and is at the point now where he's going to apply elsewhere. If he finds something, he may quit before the wedding. So my question is this: if he does quit before the wedding, how do we handle his current co-workers that have RSVP'd yes? Do we un-invite them? Do we tell them that we still want them there but we understand if they change their minds? I have no idea how to handle this, so any advice you could offer would be greatly appreciated. - About to Wed Wendy

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear About to Wed Wendy,

Since you've already sent the invitations and some of the guests have already RSVP'd, I'd have to say that the right thing to do is nothing at all. There is still a big question mark around whether or not your fiancé will still be working at his current company come October, so worrying about the unknown will just add unnecessary stress to your wedding planning. If your fiancé does in fact get another job before the big day, it's not to say that his former co-workers wouldn't want to celebrate with you - just because they won't be working together anymore doesn't mean they can't be friends.

If inviting these seven guests really stretched your budget, and if they were just courtesy invites, do what you need to do, even if it means uninviting them. But Wendy, if you decide to go that route, understand that there may be some ill will toward you both. You don't want to burn any professional bridges - the technology industry can be a small world. Since these guests were taken into consideration in your original wedding count, I'd leave well enough alone if I were you. Good luck.

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Dear Poll: Do You Like the Word Fiance?

DearSugar — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 15:00:00 -0700

People I know are getting engaged left and right, but the word fiance seems to be used less and less. I don't really mind it myself, but it does kind of have a snobby ring to it - the word boyfriend just sounds so much more laid-back! On the other hand, some people use the word with a lot of pride and excitement when referring to their future husband. So how do you all feel about the word fiance? If you're engaged, is that how you refer to your future husband, or do you keep things simple by calling him your boyfriend or significant other?

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Sunday Confessional: My Fiancé Thinks I'm a Virgin, but I'm Not

DearSugar — Sun, 01 Jun 2008 09:00:00 -0700

My fiancé and I have been engaged for the past year and were together for a year before that. We were both 20 when we met, and within the first few weeks of our relationship my fiancé confided in me that he was a virgin and intended to be until he was married. He comes from a very religious and traditional family, and his values and morals are extremely important to him - one of the many reasons why I love him.

I knew that there was something special between us, so I didn't think twice about having to hold off on sex. But when he went on to tell me that he needed to be with a woman who shared the same values, I panicked. Out of fear of losing him, I made a horrible error and lied about my own sexual history. I told him that I too was a virgin and wanted to wait until marriage, when in fact, I had had sex with two other guys.

It's now two years later and just over a month away from our wedding. I know that my fiancé is nearly more excited for the wedding night than the actual wedding, and this secret is eating away at me. I love him more than words can describe. I don't want to disappoint him or hurt him; it will destroy him to find out about this. Can I ever be forgiven if I continue this secret and never tell him?

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Handle This: He Takes Another Woman as His Date

DearSugar — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 12:00:00 -0700

A business associate of your fiancé is having a huge and decadent wedding this weekend. He’s also a possible investor in your fiancé’s new start up, so it’s a schmoozing event too. Of course you’ve been planning on going, but when you come down with a horrible flu, there’s just no way you can make it.

You’re surprised when your fiancé tells you that instead of going stag, he invited his bookkeeper, who’s been helping out with the business. You’ve known her for ages, and in that time you’ve always been pleasant with her, but you can’t help but find it weird that she’s going to be his date. You don’t want to get upset over nothing, but how would you handle this?

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Dear Sugar Needs Your Help: Do We Have to Go to This Destination Wedding?

DearSugar — Sat, 13 Oct 2007 09:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar and Not Into it Isabelle need your help. Is she obligated to go to this outrageously expensive destination wedding?

Dear Sugar,

Recently my fiancé got in touch with a childhood friend. In the three and a half years I've known him, I never once heard him mention this guy. Well it turns out this friend is getting married in a year, three weeks after us. It's a destination wedding to Jamaica, and it will probably be at least $2,500 for the both of us!

I'm all for weddings, but I feel really awkward about going to this one, for many reasons. I've never met the guy so how close can they be? Also, this wedding is going to be really small and intimate, so I would feel really uncomfortable sharing this special day when I've never even met any of these people. Plus we're taking two weeks off for our wedding and honeymoon, so how can I take another week off three weeks later? We're also trying to save for a house, and $2,500 is a lot of money to spend for a couple I don't even know!

What do you think? Should I quit being such a stick in the mud and agree to go and make a vacation out of it? Or should I put my foot down and tell my fiancé that it's just not in our budget?

-Not Into it Isabelle

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Group Therapy: How can I help my fiance cope?

Mon, 06 Aug 2007 03:00:00 -0700

Almost seven months ago, my fiance's best friend killed himself. This was devastating to him, because they did everything to together and had been best friends for about six or seven years. It was a very hard time for him and for me, because I felt like I was useless, and naturally it's very hard to watch a loved one in pain. I find him crying sometimes, and lately it's been pretty bad for him. He's been hurting a lot still. I offer to listen and let him talk about it, but I have never really been able to get much out of him. I just don't know how to help him cope, I'm afraid to say the wrong thing. What can I do to help him cope?

We're both also huge horror movie fans, so occasionally a scene will pop up where someone shoots themselves. I find this very uncomfortable and can only imagine what is running through his head at the sight of this. Sometimes I'll just grab his hand and squeeze it slightly or rub it gently, but he'll usually pull away and act like nothing is wrong. I want him to be able to talk to me about this, but I don't want to force it out of him. How can I help him cope with this tragic event?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

Group Therapy: When will she have time for me?

Thu, 26 Jul 2007 03:00:00 -0700

My best friend recently got engaged to a great guy. I couldn't be happier for her, but there's a problem. She doesn't understand how to divide her time between him and me. I know I sound jealous and I'm not meaning to. It's just that for the past 4 years every Friday she and I would go to the movies, it was a girls night tradition. However when she got a job that stopped that for a while, and we started just going when we could. Now though I'm lucky if I see her once a month. I call her and leave messages typically once a week just to see how things are going with her. I usually don't get them returned for a day or two.

Then whenever she and I do get to spend time together he's always there. Like I said I love this guy like a brother, but I always feel like a third wheel when I'm with them. He actually asked me before if I was ok with him always being there, I couldn't just say "no" right in front of her. She's somewhat clingy with him and I really feel she wouldn't get it if I told her that. I miss just having girl time, even once a month would be fine. In the past two months the most time I've had to talk to her in private was the 15 minute car ride to the movie theater where we met up with him.

How should I tell her I'd like to have more girl time without making her feel like I'm being insensitive or jealous?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

You Asked: I Think My Fiancé is Looking at Porn!

DearSugar — Tue, 03 Jul 2007 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar--

My fiancé is being very secretive to me lately. He hasn't wanted me around him and is seeking extreme alone time. He has told me before he has a disgust for all things pornographic, but he is spending at least 30 to 50 minutes in the bathroom. He is constantly hiding his PSP (portable PlayStation) from me when he is online and I have checked it before but he deletes his browser history. Is he lying to me? If so how should I confront him about it without stirring up a large argument. His promise and "don't worry" attitude towards him looking at pornographic material is staring me in the face with a large question mark.

--Suspecting Susan

To see DEARSUGAR's answer read more

Dear Suspecting Susan--

Your fiancé is either being secretive in a cute way (planning a sweet surprise for you, maybe possibly a wedding present) or he is doing something else that he obviously doesn't want you to know about.

If he says that he's not into porn, but you suspect he's looking at it, then maybe he's just embarrassed and doesn't want you know. Most guys look at porn, but some are ashamed because many women look down upon it, which could be why he is hiding it from you. I really wouldn't be too concerned with the actual porn (since I highly doubt he's looking at it on that tiny PSP screen anyway), but if I were you, I would definitely be annoyed that he's hiding something from you and not being honest when you ask him about it.

I'm also wondering about your sex life and whether or not this possible 30-50 minute porn viewing session in the bathroom is affecting you two. If it is, that's another red flag right there. If he's just having some alone time, that's totally normal and understandable, but if he's replacing your time together with his new bathroom time, then it's time for a little chat. I would encourage him to talk to you about what he's doing and let him know how much this secretive stuff is upsetting you. Relationships are all about trust, and since you are about to enter into a life-long commitment with this guy, you better get to the bottom of this sooner than later. Good luck Susan.

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My Bridesmaid Spilled the Beans

DearSugar — Thu, 17 May 2007 08:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar--

I just returned from my bachelorette party and on the last night, one of my bridesmaids, who had had one too many drinks, made a comment to one of the other girls saying that she couldn't stand my fiance! Unbenounced to her, I overheard her but didn't say anything out of respect for the other girls.

Well, now that we are all back, I can't stop thinking about what she said. She is one of my best friends from college and never alluded to her dislike of my future husband. If she really hates him and doesn't support us being together, I don't want her to be a part of my wedding.... I am sick over this and have no one I can talk to without creating a colossal nightmare for everyone involved before my wedding. What should I do? --Betrayed Betsy

To see DEARSUGAR's answer read more

Dear Betrayed Betsy--

I am so sorry you are dealing with this right before your wedding. Are you 100% positive you heard their conversation correctly? I don't blame you for not wanting this girl to be a part of your wedding if she truly does have ill feelings for your fiancé, but before you jump to any conclusions, talk to her and get the facts.

Let her know what you heard and give her the opportunity to tell you her side of the story. Could you have heard only one part of the story and taken her comments out of context? Could she have been talking about someone else's fiancé? Many times friends of the bride, even the best of friends, get jealous of all the attention the bride is getting so she could selfishly be stirring the pot, although that would be no excuse.

If she does come clean with dislike for your fiancé, you need to do what's best for you, and if that means dismissing her from bridesmaid duties, by all means dis-invite her. Your bridesmaids are supposed to help make your wedding day run smoothly, not add to the stress of the day. Hopefully this will turn out to just be a huge misunderstanding and you can put the entire ordeal behind you. Good luck!

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