TresSugar

Relationship Protocol: Does Your Significant Other Show Emotion Well?

DearSugar — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 07:30:00 -0700

Not everyone wears their feelings on their sleeves, but it's important to be able to express yourself when you need a shoulder to cry on, someone to share exciting news with, or someone to vent your frustration to. And while it's a common assumption that women are more emotional than men, guys can be impassioned too. Even if he doesn't cry in front of you, tell me, does your significant other show his emotion well?

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DearSugar Needs Your Help: Am I Even in Love With Him?

DearSugar — Sat, 28 Mar 2009 09:00:00 -0700

DearSugar and Conflicted Constance need your help. She feels like she moved too fast in her relationship and now she's unsure if she even loves her live-in boyfriend anymore. What advice do you have for her?

Dear Sugar,

I have been with my boyfriend for about a year, and I just recently moved in with him. He is 10 years older than me, he has his life together, he's smart, makes me feel safe, is in love with me, and would do anything for me. But recently I have been wondering if we are right for each other. I think I moved in prematurely and now I am unsure if it was the right decision at all. Something has definitely changed between us and I'm left longing for more. He is a great person, but I wonder if I'm only with him because he is stable and trustworthy, more than the fact that I am madly in love. When I think about leaving him, I feel sad that I wouldn't have him in my life anymore, but I am conflicted - I don't want to settle either. How do I know if he's right for me? Do you have any advice for how I can figure this out? - Conflicted Constance

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What Was Your First Period Like?

DearSugar — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 07:30:00 -0800

There's been some hype around the subject matter of the new book My Little Red Book, and if you take a step back and understand the purpose of these short stories, you'll realize how helpful this dialogue is to curious teenagers, confused dads, mothers, and young women who are dealing with their first period. Contributors from all walks of life share their right-of-passage stories, and since almost all of us can identify with those feelings of fear, change, excitement, and joy that come with a first period, I'm curious to learn what else you felt when you first got yours, so do tell!

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Do Tell: What Does Inauguration Day Mean to You?

DearSugar — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 11:00:00 -0800

I know today, Inauguration day, means something different to all of us, but it'll most likely be a day we'll all remember for the rest of our lives. It's been a long journey to get here, but now that history has been made, share your feelings about this exciting day with all of us below. No matter what emotions are pumping through your veins, you're not alone!

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You Asked: Should I Pass on Praise to My Ex?

DearSugar — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 11:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend of five years and I broke up (rather awkwardly) last October and it completely shattered my heart. While we were civil and polite immediately after, we haven't spoken much or seen each other for about a year. I've since moved on, and I am confident he has too. Although I'm curious to know how he is, I hadn't really considered any contact until I heard a really nice compliment to him. I was at the local dog park a few days ago and some of the other women there were discussing the math programs at their kids' schools. One woman mentioned what a difference a certain teacher made for her son, and the particular school as well as the way she described him makes me 100 percent confident that she was talking about my ex-beau.

I know how much he loves teaching and acting as a role model to his students so should I write him an email to relay the praise? I want to respect his space and privacy, and my heart, so is this a can of worms I should avoid opening or should I just do it? - Do Good Greta

To see DearSugar's answer read more

Dear Do Good Greta,

I think it's very sweet that you're considering relaying this praise on to your ex, but I just want to make sure you're doing it for the right reasons. If you want to use this as an excuse to get back in touch with him, I highly suggest you weigh the pros and cons before doing so. Ask yourself if you'd be upset if he wasn't happy to hear from you, if he didn't want to rekindle your friendship, and be prepared to have all those sad feelings around your breakup resurface again.

If you wholeheartedly just want to pass along the compliment with no strings attached, do it, I'm sure he'd love to hear it, but if you have an ulterior motive, make sure you think through every angle - you don't want to set yourself up for failure or hurt.

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Four Steps For Handling Hurtful Comments

DearSugar — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 15:00:00 -0700

There's nothing as rude and hurtful as a critical comment dressed as praise or a joke. The truth is no matter how they're brushed off, you know when someone's said something to intentionally put you down. Anger and embarrassment are natural reactions, but an article from November's O magazine offers some more productive ways of countering rude comments. I've summed up the four principles it mentions, so to see them just read more.

Find your emotional balance. In order for a verbal attack to be effective, the person being insulted has to be vulnerable. If you feel good about yourself, you'll recognize the attack as a character flaw in the person throwing it and not yourself.
Do what you can to get mean people out of your life. People who intentionally say something hurtful are not nice and by being around those people you're only opening yourself up to their cruel behavior.
If there's no way to get away from someone like this, then you have to learn how to properly defend yourself. The article offers three techniques as follows:
- Give a direct response to acknowledge that a comment is rude and to stop it in its tracks. For instance, "That was mean. Please stop."
- Don't get defensive - concede the truth in their words, but ignore their negative behavior completely. For example, if someone says something about how awful you look, you might respond with, "I'm tired today. How have you been?"
- Rudeness seeks to make others feel child-like and weak, so counter a biting statement with the tone of a reprimanding parent, like "If you have nothing nice to say, please don't say anything at all."
Changing your reaction to backhanded compliments and rude observations takes time, but the more you practice the more natural it will feel.

I found these strategies helpful, but I know everyone has their own ways of dealing with these situations. How do you react when someone makes a comment you know is meant to be to be critical and put you down?

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You Asked: Can My Ex Forgive Me?

DearSugar — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 12:20:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I dated for three years, and were fairly serious. We had a future mapped out and were practically planning our engagement. However, during those three years there were some major personality clashes I just couldn't ignore. For instance, anytime he pointed out one of my flaws, I'd apologize or try to work on it. Anytime I tried to point out something I didn't like or something that I thought he should work on, he'd say, "If you don't like it, you can leave."

I did finally break up with him, though we're still good friends. But there's one issue that lingered with me after ending things. About three or four times a year he'd get a random message from a girl on MySpace. He has the kind of job that allowed him to just sit there and email her all day. He even met one of the girls once; she came into his work unsolicited. (I explained to him that that's because she saw their frequent conversations as intimate.) And that's what he'd do at least six times an hour, for three or four months, until he got bored with them. He never understood why I was upset about that; it wasn't because he was talking to other girls or that he had "friends," it was the frequency. Every few minutes, every day, for two or three months at a time!

The other day I went with him to celebrate his birthday. One the way home he was texting a girl, as usual. But this time I lost it. I told him that that's exactly why we could never work - he never cared about how I felt or even acknowledged my feelings. I know I broke up with him, and I'm happy with where things are. But even as friends, to see him pulling the same kind of stuff is just so frustrating, and I guess I hit my limit. My question is, do you think I can be forgiven for my behavior? I don't want to be his psycho ex.

- Angry Ex Andrea

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Angry Ex Andrea,

Though I think it's safe to say that yelling at your ex now that things are over isn't exactly productive for your relationship, I don't think that you're the one that should be asking for forgiveness here. While you were together, your ex had inappropriate relationships with other women and when you voiced your concern he proceeded to not only ignore you, but put you down. I can say with some certainty that if anyone should be embarrassed by their behavior, it's him!

From what you describe, breaking up with your boyfriend was a very good decision on your part, and I'm glad to hear that you're not wishing things were different. I have to wonder why you're still willing to be close friends with a person who doesn't seem to care a lot for your emotional well-being. Like I said, snapping at him may not have been productive, but it certainly sounds like he had it coming. Don't worry about his forgiveness! It's time to put some distance between you two and work on surrounding yourself with people who do care about your feelings.

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Where Do You Stand? Telling Your Ex What He Did Wrong

DearSugar — Thu, 16 Oct 2008 13:00:00 -0700

Even if ending a relationship is a relief, leaving a person or being left by someone can come with feelings of sadness and longing, which is probably why so many couples hook up after they’ve broken up. But there is a flipside to this: some people aren’t ready to let go of their bad feelings.

A friend of mine, in post-breakup mode, says every day is a battle not to call her ex. But not because she misses him and wants to reconnect, but because she wants to finally let him have it. She’s angry and ready to tell him exactly why. I think her feelings are natural, and though I understand her desire, I don’t think it’s a good idea. But what do you think? Where do you stand when it comes to offering your ex some brutal honesty in an effort to make yourself feel better?

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You Asked: I Want More From My One Night Stand

DearSugar — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I was in a serious relationship for six years and I am now single. Up until last week, I hadn't had sex in eight months! On Saturday night, I met up with a guy I used to have feelings for. I invited him over and we had sex. There wasn't much flirting, kissing, or any kind of lustful passion. We did it and then hung out for an hour afterwards. I thought that would be the end of that, but he called me the next day and came over. We just hung out that time, but the following day he texted me and we started flirting. It's clear to me that he's looking for a hookup and that he's used to this lifestyle. He's incredibly sexy and I could see him getting girls easily. I know I was wrong for sleeping with him so quickly, but I like him now. Is there anyway to change the direction of our relationship at this point? He obviously sees me as a sex buddy, but I want more. We've been hooking up almost every day now.

- Hooked Up Hilary

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Hooked Up Hilary,

It sounds to me like you and your one night stand have become friends with benefits, at least in his mind. I can't say whether or not you guys can have a more serious relationship - that's up to the two of you - but of course it's possible to try. In order to do so, you're going to have to tell him that you have feelings for him and put an end to the booty calls. But keep in mind that because of how your relationship has been established, your friend may not share your feelings or desire to embark on something more committed. If that's the case then I think it's in your best interest to avoid continuing the friends-with-benefits deal you have going on because it's likely that your feelings will grow, but unlikely that a relationship will blossom. The sex might be nice, but not at the sacrifice of your emotional well-being.

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Handle This: Your Male Friend Confesses His Feelings

DearSugar — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 13:00:00 -0700

For the past year you’ve been single, and it’s been great, in part to the good friends you’ve made; one of whom happens to be a guy who is also single. You've headed to the bars together and lamented your dating woes on multiple occasions and he's been a great support. But out of nowhere, he asks you to a more formal dinner. Once there, you immediately get the feeling that something is different, but you're still surprised when he admits that he has serious feelings for you that he'd like to pursue. You don’t share them, so how do you handle this?

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