TresSugar

You Asked: I Have an Irrational Fear of Getting Pregnant

DearSugar — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 12:30:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I have a rather strange irrational fear. Even though I am on hormonal birth control, use condoms, and never miss a period, I continually fear that I'll somehow magically get pregnant. This fear is quite literally taking over my life, not to mention ruining my otherwise wonderful sex life with my fiancé. I desire sex with him daily, but my fear of getting pregnant is so salient that I either make an excuse to avoid it, or just fall asleep while he is making a pass at me - we end up only have sex twice a week. I have been this way ever since he and I began having sex seven years ago.

My fear comes and goes with varying degrees, but it seems that it is worse during times of high stress. Every twitch, every headache, and every gurgle in my stomach is interpreted to me as a pregnancy sign. I feel like I am so alone. I know that I'm being ridiculous, but I cannot get it out of my mind. I am almost willing to go as far as sterilization to ease this anxiety. Do you have any advice? - Freaking Out Fionna

To see DearSugar's answer read more

Dear Freaking Out Fionna,

I'm glad to hear you call this an irrational fear because that's precisely what it is. Sure, there's always a chance you could get pregnant while using the precautionary measures you're using, but that is a very unlikely possibility, especially since you're doubling up on protection. Before you let this affect your relationship anymore than it already has, talk to your fiancé about what's going on - opening up to him will most likely make you feel less alone.

Since stress seems to aggravate your trepidation, do whatever you can to squash your fear whenever your worries surface. Put things into perspective and remember what the statics say about hormonal birth control and condoms. If you can't get control over this fear on your own, I suggest you consult your gyno or see a therapist so you can talk through your anxiety about getting pregnant with a professional. This is clearly taking over your life so it's imperative to nip it in the bud as soon as you can. Good luck.

Source

You Asked: Am I Going to Get Hurt?

DearSugar — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I recently met a pretty amazing guy, and we hit it off right away. About two weeks in, we had a state-of-the-union conversation, and he told me that he just got out of a year-long relationship and doesn't want to get into anything serious right now. We agreed to try just being friends, but that only lasted two weeks because we have this crazy chemistry and we love being together. Since friendship didn't work, we decided to date and keep things casual. We're seeing a lot of each other still, and I can feel myself really starting to fall for him, but I'm scared that I'm going to get hurt at the end because he's been so adamant about not starting up a serious relationship again. He makes time for me and he treats me like a girlfriend; we even met each other's parents. So am I just being paranoid? Am I heading for big trouble/heartbreak by letting myself fall for him? Should I get out now before it's too late? - Setting Myself Up Sadie

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Setting Myself Up Sadie,

Although this guy says he doesn't want a relationship, it's pretty clear by his actions that he does! As the old saying goes, actions speak louder than words, but I completely understand your concerns. Another talk is definitely in order, but I recommend keeping it fairly laid-back. Tell him how much fun you've been having with him, but make sure you let him in on your fears too - again, in a casual way. You don't want to scare him off, but it's important to be honest. Something tells me he's afraid to put a label on your relationship so see how he reacts to your talk - hopefully he'll be able to calm your fears.

There are no guarantees in any relationship, even the ones that have labels on them, so if it feels right and if you're enjoying the time you spend together, I say stick with it. Good luck and have fun!

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You Asked: I'm Scared Every Day

DearSugar — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My father is a firefighter, and I grew up with the mentality that I needed to tell my dad I loved him every single time he went to work. When my parents divorced things changed, and since I no longer live with him or my mom, I don't get nervous every time he goes to work anymore. However, my brother just graduated from the police academy in Cleveland. He's posted in an absolutely terrible neighborhood, where people get shot on a daily basis, there's not a window without bars to be seen, and 8-year-olds are selling drugs.

I'm terrified. I get these images that he's going to get shot, or worse. He has a really bad temper, and I'm afraid he's going to get himself in trouble. Now, with my brother starting his police work, I'm starting to freak out about my dad again too. Both of their jobs are dangerous, and I think I am actually more scared for them than they are! How can I learn to deal with this fear and cope with their life-threatening jobs?

- Terrified Teresa

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Terrified Teresa,

I certainly applaud the men in your life for taking on such difficult but important duties, but I'm sure I'd be a worried mess if I were in your position too. Being scared is normal, but letting it overwhelm you will only make you a stress case, and certainly won't serve to protect your brother or your father. But of course ending such worries is much easier said than done.

I would recommend reaching out to a support group for family members of firefighters and police officers, which many counties do have. Just articulating your fears to other people might help you shoulder the burden. Also, get into the habit of reminding yourself, as often as you need to, that worrying isn't going to help. Instead, channel your energy into connecting with them as much as possible and letting them know that you're always thinking about them.

There is no easy answer, and I'm sure this is something that will always be in the back of your mind, but there are certain things in this life we have no control over. It is possible to be both realistic and hopeful at the same time; focus on achieving that balance.

Source

The How-To Lounge: Coping With a Panic Attack

DearSugar — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 11:00:00 -0700

Earlier this week I brought up anxiety disorders and noted their major symptoms. One of the most life-altering one on the list is panic attacks, which many of you deal with or have in the past. A panic attack can be a terrible ordeal and is not just limited to people with anxiety disorders. Once you've had one, it's likely you'll forever dread another, but it’s better to learn how to cope with them than fear another attack. To see my tips, just read more.

Try to stop it before it even starts. If you feel your stress level flare and your heart start to work overtime, take five or ten minutes to clear your head.
Remind yourself that you are safe. Your mind is playing a trick on your body by convincing it that there’s something to be fearful of, so you have to talk your body out of it.
Realize that it will pass. A panic attack has the tendency to feel unending, but in reality, they usually last only a few minutes. No matter how scared you might feel, don't let yourself forget that those feelings will soon disappear.
One of the most distinct sensations a panic attack causes is a sudden loss of control. As this sensation washes over you, ground yourself by reaching out and touching the things around you. It sounds strange but using the sensations of touch can help bring you out of your head.
Fear of embarrassing yourself in an episode can often make one worse, so if you’re in a public situation, remove yourself. Go somewhere quiet where you can catch your breath without worry of being noticed. That said don’t be afraid to tell someone what’s going on with you. Sometimes being around another person can be a comfort.
Finally, focus on your breathing. Panicked breathing typically takes place in the chest, so move it to your stomach. Place your hand on your stomach and consciously take deep breaths in until your belly is extended. Exhale slowly and repeat.

Panic attacks are terrifying but the more you learn to get through them, the easier they will be to manage.

Source

You Asked: I'm Tired of Being Afraid

DearSugar — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

A while back my ex-boyfriend dumped me out of nowhere. I thought we were heading in a good direction and that we were finally getting to know each other. (In fact, less than a week before that happened we had spent our first romantic weekend together.) At the end of one date night on the way back to my place he told me that while he loved hanging out with me and that I was the best girlfriend he has ever had he just doesn't feel "it." While I respected that he told me that instead of leading me on, I was still very hurt.

Now I've started a new relationship after licking my wounds for a little while, but I've discovered that my ex has changed me. I now have this sudden fear of abandonment and I am afraid that my current boyfriend will do the same thing. I've never experienced these kind of fears before. My boyfriend is a great guy, and assures me that he isn't going anywhere; he knows what happened before. But I can't shake this feeling, and I'm afraid that it will ruin my relationship. Every time my boyfriend doesn't return my call immediately a small voice inside my head tells me that maybe it's happening again. I know it's irrational but what can I do? Please help!

- Nervous Natalie

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Nervous Natalie,

It's important for you to recognize that there are no guarantees in love or life; what happened to you before could happen to you again. But that's a possibility that you have absolutely no control over, and worrying about it won't make a difference. In fact, as you mentioned, worrying about it can put an unnecessary strain on your relationship. But, of course, it's much easier to tell yourself this than to convince yourself that it's true.

If you make the decision to let go of your fears, they'll naturally fade away, so don't hold on to them because you think they'll protect you from having this happen again; they won't. They'll only make you feel sad and scared. Luckily, acknowledging that your fears are irrational is a great step in the process. Now you just have to believe it. Whenever these concerns enter your mind, start squashing them by putting them in perspective. The fact is that even if your worst-case scenario took place, you'd make it through. It might be hard and painful, but in the end, you'd be OK.

I'm glad that you've opened up to your new boyfriend. Definitely keep those lines of communication open, but make sure that you avoid projecting your fears on to him, which could lead to resentment and extra stress. It's going to take some time, but if you can keep reminding yourself that there's no point in worrying, they will eventually disappear for good.

Source

Dear Poll: Are You Scared of Being Alone?

DearSugar — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 16:00:00 -0700

These days, if a woman admits to being sad about her single status or reveals that she's scared she might end up alone, she's suddenly considered needy or unempowered. Though we may not be rushing out to alert our friends of these thoughts for fear of judgment, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with feeling a tinge of trepidation at the thought of being alone - it's totally normal for both genders to want companionship! So without worries of being labeled as something you're not, answer this: Are you scared of being alone?

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Handle This: Your Wedding Is Weeks Away, But You Have Doubts

DearSugar — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 14:00:00 -0700

You and your fiancé have been planning your nuptials for nine months. You've had your bridal shower, and everything is booked with all the details in place. But recent fights with your fiancé have led you to see your relationship more clearly than ever. Suddenly you're not sure if this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.

You love your fiancé dearly, but you feel like there are things you've ignored for a while that just aren't working for you. The idea of canceling your wedding is humiliating and terrifying - both sets of parents will be devastated - but you're also scared of making a mistake, so how would you handle this?

Source

Handle This: Groped at a Bar

DearSugar — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 13:00:00 -0700

At a guy-free night out with a girlfriend, you two have planted yourselves at the bar to enjoy a few drinks and catch up on some much-needed girl talk. As the night wears on, the crowd around you thickens and you have to cozy up to your friend to hear her.

Neither of you are drunk, and you're both minding your own business when suddenly, a very inebriated man walks by and proceeds to stick his hand down your shirt. He gives your chest a quick fondle and then staggers off as if nothing happened. You’ve never been so violated, but you’re also in shock, so how do you handle this?

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The How-To Lounge: Emergency Situations

DearSugar — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 10:00:00 -0700

It's scary to think about, but emergency situations do present themselves in our lives from time to time. And knowing how to handle them calmly and efficiently is extremely important and can even mean the difference between life and death. Though no one can guarantee how they’ll respond to a situation until they find themselves there, I’ve come up with a few tips should something arise. To see them just read more.

Don’t panic. (I know, I know; it’s an obvious suggestion that’s a lot easier said than done.) The sensation of panic is one of a physical nature - heart racing, sweaty palms, rapid breathing - but instead of focusing on your body like you might naturally be inclined to do, draw all your attention to the scene around you. Think first, and react later.
Once you’ve pulled yourself together, start listing off what needs to be done in order of urgency. Does someone need medical attention? If so, is it necessary to call 911 or can you just drive them to the hospital? Making a quick assessment will keep the chaos to a minimum and again, help you to avoid panicking.
Use teamwork. It’s likely that the people around you have experience you don’t, so pull all that knowledge together to come up with a solution.
On that note, don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it. The support of another person can really make a difference.
Make every effort to act as quickly as possible. While taking a few minutes to come up with a solution or plan is important, dilly-dallying over a serious decision is not an option. You’ll never have a right answer, so just make a choice and stick with it.
Remove the people who aren’t handling things well, even if that requires physically sending them away. They’ll only make the situation that much worse.

If you can manage to keep your cool, you might be surprised at how quickly a situation can change from emergency to managed.

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Fearmongering Market Won't Sell Blood-Thirsty Tomatoes

GiggleSugar — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 15:00:00 -0700

But you can find fresh spaghetti sauce in aisle five.

Thanks, College Humor!