TresSugar

Group Therapy: What Is Normal Ex Behavior?

Thu, 26 Mar 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Two years ago I got my heart broken by a guy after a five-year relationship heading toward marriage; he had me move to his hometown only to back down from everything he promised, slowly, painfully, and without explanation. It's been a long road, but I have finally gotten over the whole ordeal and know I am better off for having left all that behind.

I bumped into him for the first time a few weeks ago, and it felt really wonderful to finally let go of the grudge and the anxiety around what it would feel like if that day were to come; however, since then, I've received nonstop communication from him. While I've been really private and reserved with any contact, he's friend-ed me on Facebook, called me, texted me, and asked to get together. At first I thought he was just being friendly, but I feel like this is getting to be overkill and I have no idea how to gauge this newfound enthusiasm for wanting to be close to me. If I felt like I was going to get hurt or emotionally invested again, I'd bail, but I'm so curious to find out what he wants. Do you think welcoming him back into my life is a bad idea?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To read more GROUP THERAPY, click here or submit your own question here.]
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Group Therapy: I Accidentally Snooped and Found a Disturbing Letter

Wed, 04 Mar 2009 04:00:00 -0800

I just started dating this amazing guy. Things have been going great, and we seem to have a real connection. He's an editor and got ahold of one of my manuscripts before we started dating. He said he saw real potential in it, and wants to work with me to get this thing published. It felt amazing to have someone believe in my talent, especially since my ex couldn't have been bothered to even read my writing. Anyway, once we started working together, we realized we had romantic feelings for one another and we've been dating for the past two months.

Last night I was at his apartment. We were in his room and he got up to use the bathroom. I noticed these papers on his desk that were all handwritten. I thought they might be notes about the book so I glanced at them quickly which turned out to be a big mistake - it was a letter from his ex! I know I should have stopped looking at it, but I couldn't pry myself away. It looked like it had been sent recently and it said all kinds of things like "you need to quit drinking" and "get therapy." The letter made it sound like she had left him because of his "hermit-like nature" and his "addiction to alcohol and pot." I have not seen this side of him but should I be steering clear of this guy anyway? I really like him so should I just take a step back and pretend like I didn't see the letter? I'm so torn.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To read more GROUP THERAPY, click here or submit your own question here.]

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Group Therapy: Does He Want Me Back?

Sat, 21 Feb 2009 10:00:00 -0800

About a month ago I broke up with a guy I'd been dating for four months. I felt his heart just wasn't in it, and he agreed that he wasn't totally focused on us either.

The other night I was out with a mutual guy friend and my ex decided to join us. My stuff ended up getting stolen from the bar (money, keys, etc.) and my only option was to stay at my ex's house until I could get to my spare keys in the morning.

He was so sweet all night and was physically affectionate too; touching my arm or leg when we talked, cuddling with me under a blanket on the couch, rubbing my back and sleeping close to me most of the night. In the morning, we woke up and just laid there and talked for at least an hour.

I thought I was over him, but now I'm wondering if my decision to break up was hasty. I'm interested in getting back together, but not sure if he is. I'm wondering if I'm reading too closely into his behavior or if he's interested in giving it another shot too. I don't know what to do at this point - help!

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To read more GROUP THERAPY, click here or submit your own question here.]

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True Confession - I Miss My Ex

DearSugar — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 06:00:00 -0800

Weigh in and tell us if you forgive or not forgive this True Confession.

"I had a sex dream about my ex-husband last night. He's better in bed than my current husband, but that's the only thing I miss about him. After four years being apart, I can still remember how it felt to have his hands caress my body and I miss it. He was more romantic and the sex was better and more frequent. Now I'm with a man who is OK with just a quickie once a month. I love him, but I feel like I went from one end of the spectrum to the other - I miss my ex."

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You Asked: Where Did This Hatred Come From?

DearSugar — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 12:30:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I dated this guy for about six months and we mutually decided to break things off. Before dating, we were amazing friends; we hung out all the time and have always been in the same circle of friends. We agreed to remain good friends after ending it because neither of us wanted to lose the friendship. However, my continuing to hang out in our circle upset him to the point where he deleted/blocked me from MSN, removed pictures of me from his Facebook page, and wrote me an extremely rude email telling me that he no longer wanted to see me. Since receiving his harsh note, I have respected his wishes and we haven't talked or seen each other in two months.

Just today he removed me from his friend status on Facebook without any provocation. Naturally I'm upset by all of this and confused as to what his motives were. Does he hate me? - Aggravated Ashley

To see DearSugar's answer read more.

Dear Aggravated Ashley,

Although you guys wanted to remain friends after the breakup, it's pretty clear by his actions that he's not capable of doing so just yet. Perhaps he's more brokenhearted than he's letting on, or maybe he met someone else - we could make assumptions all day long but the only way you'll know what's really going on is if you ask him. He's going to be hard to avoid since you're in the same circle of friends so I'd write him an email asking if you can meet or talk to clear the air. Since you don't know where this behavior is coming from, chances are there's been some sort of misunderstanding, so before this gets too blown out of proportion, nip it in the bud ASAP. I hope you two can talk through everything and figure out if there's a way to at least be civil toward each other until your friendship can mend itself naturally. Good luck.

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Group Therapy: My First Love Had Become Obese

Thu, 20 Nov 2008 04:00:00 -0800

I met my first love when I was very young and I thought he was the most beautiful person I'd ever seen. We dated for years - he was my best friend and my lover. Two years ago we had an extremely difficult breakup. Ever since, I occasionally cry in bed thinking about him, but we haven't been in touch since the split. I still love him dearly, and I know I'll never be able to love anyone as much I loved him, although I'm currently in a new relationship.

A couple of days ago, out of curiosity and boredom, I started looking for him online. I came across a website of someone he's close with and was able to find a few of pictures of him. To my surprise, I could hardly recognize him. He had always been on the slender side, but he seemed to have gained an enormous amount of weight. Since then, I am so worried for him that I constantly go back to that website to take another look at those pictures of him. I am concerned for his health and curious to know what caused this massive change. If I try to get in touch with him, I know we will end up getting back together but I can't bear to go through what we went through before our breakup again. I just don't know what to do. Should I leave him alone or reach out to him?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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You Asked: How Do I Get Over Our Breakup?

DearSugar — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 13:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

Recently I read the post about telling your ex what he did wrong. My ex and I broke up a year ago. I have dated other people, but I am finding it very difficult to get over this relationship. This was the first time I really opened up my heart; I had seen a future with this person. We broke up with little closure on my end. He just shut me out of his life and ended our relationship. I feel like it's unfair that I did not have a say in our breakup. I never got the chance to voice my feelings and understand why things had to end. I thought that with time I would feel better and things would naturally resolve, but now that a significant amount of time has passed, I am losing hope. For obvious reasons, I cannot contact this person and get things off my chest. How can I find closure for myself?

- Holding on Holly

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Holding on Holly,

Whenever a relationship ends abruptly and from one-side, closure is that much more difficult to find. And of course, you're right - it is unfair that you had no say in the matter and never even got the opportunity to express yourself. But as frustrating as it may be, what's done is done, and it sounds like you're ready to believe that. Start by writing down everything you'd like to say to your ex, if you could. Be as angry or as sappy as you want to be. It might take more than one try, but get every emotion out, even if that means repeating yourself or obsessing on the smallest of memories.

When you feel like it's all out there, read it over. Then, write a letter to yourself, listing all of the ways in which you are better and stronger today. If you can only think of one, then just start there. Tape it to your bedside table or tuck it into your desk at work, taking time each day to add something to it. It could be a lesson you learned, a silly conversation that made you smile, or a change you've noticed in yourself. Every time you're feeling the loss from your breakup read that letter and take a moment to truly remember that you're better off.

Finally, work on stopping your obsessive thoughts - I have a bunch of tips if you're looking for a starting point. If you can't do it on your own, seek out a therapist. There's no shame in asking for help when you need it, and sometimes, all we need is a good listener.

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Group Therapy: My Ex Won't Leave Me Alone

Mon, 20 Oct 2008 03:00:00 -0700

My ex and I had dated for almost half a year after breaking up twice before, over a five year period. This time I had left the country for a trip, and within two weeks of being gone he wanted to break up. Within a month he had started dating someone else, whom he's still with. During the time I was gone, we kept in touch via phone and instant messenger. We fought constantly about our breakup (who said what and why) and he kept hinting at the fact that he wanted to get back together when I was back. I was not so fond of this idea, since he was dating someone else.

When I came back he immediately asked me out for a beer, and I went along. Again we got into a major fight about our breakup. After that I tried really hard to avoid him even though he kept inviting me out for very inappropriate occasions, always alone. I didn't see him, which only created another argument between us, since he could not understand why I didn't want to be friends. In the end, I asked him never to speak to me again.

Over a month has passed since, and he has started asking me to hang out with him again. I really don't want to - I'm scared I'll have feelings for him-but every time I say no he makes weird comments and continues pressuring me. He won't take no for an answer, and I've tried everything I can do to avoid him. What do I do now?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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You Asked: Can My Ex Forgive Me?

DearSugar — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 12:20:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I dated for three years, and were fairly serious. We had a future mapped out and were practically planning our engagement. However, during those three years there were some major personality clashes I just couldn't ignore. For instance, anytime he pointed out one of my flaws, I'd apologize or try to work on it. Anytime I tried to point out something I didn't like or something that I thought he should work on, he'd say, "If you don't like it, you can leave."

I did finally break up with him, though we're still good friends. But there's one issue that lingered with me after ending things. About three or four times a year he'd get a random message from a girl on MySpace. He has the kind of job that allowed him to just sit there and email her all day. He even met one of the girls once; she came into his work unsolicited. (I explained to him that that's because she saw their frequent conversations as intimate.) And that's what he'd do at least six times an hour, for three or four months, until he got bored with them. He never understood why I was upset about that; it wasn't because he was talking to other girls or that he had "friends," it was the frequency. Every few minutes, every day, for two or three months at a time!

The other day I went with him to celebrate his birthday. One the way home he was texting a girl, as usual. But this time I lost it. I told him that that's exactly why we could never work - he never cared about how I felt or even acknowledged my feelings. I know I broke up with him, and I'm happy with where things are. But even as friends, to see him pulling the same kind of stuff is just so frustrating, and I guess I hit my limit. My question is, do you think I can be forgiven for my behavior? I don't want to be his psycho ex.

- Angry Ex Andrea

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Angry Ex Andrea,

Though I think it's safe to say that yelling at your ex now that things are over isn't exactly productive for your relationship, I don't think that you're the one that should be asking for forgiveness here. While you were together, your ex had inappropriate relationships with other women and when you voiced your concern he proceeded to not only ignore you, but put you down. I can say with some certainty that if anyone should be embarrassed by their behavior, it's him!

From what you describe, breaking up with your boyfriend was a very good decision on your part, and I'm glad to hear that you're not wishing things were different. I have to wonder why you're still willing to be close friends with a person who doesn't seem to care a lot for your emotional well-being. Like I said, snapping at him may not have been productive, but it certainly sounds like he had it coming. Don't worry about his forgiveness! It's time to put some distance between you two and work on surrounding yourself with people who do care about your feelings.

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Where Do You Stand? Telling Your Ex What He Did Wrong

DearSugar — Thu, 16 Oct 2008 13:00:00 -0700

Even if ending a relationship is a relief, leaving a person or being left by someone can come with feelings of sadness and longing, which is probably why so many couples hook up after they’ve broken up. But there is a flipside to this: some people aren’t ready to let go of their bad feelings.

A friend of mine, in post-breakup mode, says every day is a battle not to call her ex. But not because she misses him and wants to reconnect, but because she wants to finally let him have it. She’s angry and ready to tell him exactly why. I think her feelings are natural, and though I understand her desire, I don’t think it’s a good idea. But what do you think? Where do you stand when it comes to offering your ex some brutal honesty in an effort to make yourself feel better?

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