TresSugar

Group Therapy: My Boyfriend Held Onto a Gift From His Ex

Fri, 27 Feb 2009 04:00:00 -0800

About a month ago I was checking out my boyfriend's bookshelf and saw a book with a very lovey-dovey inscription from an ex-girlfriend. It wasn't signed, but I'm pretty sure it was from the girl he dated about three years ago. I didn't say anything to him about it but two weeks later, we were preparing for a party in his apartment, and we moved things from his bookshelf to his closet - including this book. Yesterday, I noticed that the other stuff was still in the closet, but the book is now sitting on top of his desk. He would've had to dig around to find it.

I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years and I'm wondering what this means. It makes me uncomfortable that he is holding on to this gift, and that he deliberately looked for it after the party. I know this make me sound really insecure, which is why I don't want to talk to him about it directly, but I can't help my feelings. It's especially troubling because we have been talking about our future recently, and I'm wondering if he is subconsciously having second thoughts. Am I overthinking this?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To read more GROUP THERAPY, click here or submit your own question here.]

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Group Therapy: How Do I Deal With His Ex Situation?

Tue, 28 Oct 2008 03:00:00 -0700

My boyfriend and I have been dating for four months. He's nice, caring, and funny. We see each other almost every day and have yet to get into even a minor squabble, let alone an actual fight. Things are basically perfect. But here's the problem: his crazy ex-girlfriend is pregnant, and in all likelihood, it's his. She lied about having an abortion a few months ago, came barreling back into our lives, and is now well into her second trimester and drinking like a sailor at night, while shopping for baby clothes the next morning.

Thankfully, I am only secondarily involved in the situation. It's my boyfriend who really has to deal with her and the child for the rest of his life. But I just don't know how to manage all this. I have a very high-stress and demanding job and I am only 25, too young to take on such an issue. And frankly, I just don't want to. I didn't make the irresponsible choices they did, and I don't want to suffer for it. If I would end it when the baby comes, should I just end it now? I want to be there for him through this, but in the end, it's just going to become a more complicated situation. I just can't even imagine what my responsible boyfriend ever saw in this girl. What do I do?

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You Asked: Should I Forgive My Ex?

DearSugar — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I am a man looking for the advice of women since my male friends aren't sensitive enough to comprehend what I'm going through. I had been going out with this girl on and off for four and a half years. I truly loved her and she was my best friend. We were happy and we shared some of the best times of our lives. But a few months back, while I was on and she was off, she stopped talking to me all together. I tried desperately to get a hold of her but she never called or emailed me back.

Finally she came around again and asked for some space. At first, I refused because I was scared of losing her again but I eventually respected her wishes and let her be on her own but we never called it quits officially; the relationship was simply put on hold. Not long after, I discovered that she had been seeing this other guy during her "time alone." When I confronted her about this, she said she only wanted to be my friend and lied about her new guy so that I would stay friends with her. Feeling betrayed and led on, I told her that she was out of my life for good and that I could never be friends with someone who would break my heart so easily.

Two weeks later I'm still in agony over losing a girl I considered to be my soul mate. I need help deciding whether or not I should try to forgive her and talk things through with her. Could we ever be friends again (maybe more)? Or should I wipe the slate clean and forget about her completely?

- Broken-Hearted Brandon

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Broken-Hearted Brandon,

I'm sorry you're suffering right now. Even under the best of circumstances, ending a relationship is usually difficult and can require months of healing. The desire to want to right all wrongs is normal, but it's important that you view the situation rationally. Your ex made the decision to be with someone else, and in a meager attempt to maintain your friendship, she lied to you about it rather than addressing her position honestly. It could be that she just wanted to protect your feelings, but it could also be that she wanted to protect her own so she wouldn't have to feel guilty.

In my opinion, it's time to move on. And I think it'd be in your best interest to abandon the idea of a continuing friendship, at least for now. Give yourself some distance from this girl so that you can see things more objectively. If you decide that you can forgive her then let it be something you do for yourself to let go.

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You Asked: My Boyfriend Won't Stop Talking About His Ex

DearSugar — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I've been on and off with this guy for more than a year now, but the last six months we've been in a steady relationship. About a month ago he told me he loved me. He's only been in a committed relationship once before, which was about two years ago. The story of how they broke up is not exactly clear, but I know she cheated on him and broke his heart. He tried many times to win her back, but she wanted nothing to do with him, and is currently in a new relationship.

The problem is he talks about her all the time. At first I was very understanding, but now it's getting annoying. Within the first three months we were dating, I asked him if he was over her and he said that he was trying. Not long ago, I asked him again. He said, "I am. Before I wasn't sure, but now it's clear; I'm over her." And yet, he continually talks about her. When I mention that it bothers me he stops for a while, and then he's back at it again. I don't know what to do. I love him and I don't want to lose him, but I also don't want to be with someone who wishes they were with the one who got away, and not me! Is it time for me to move on? Or can I make this work?

- Over Being Understanding Beth

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Over Being Understanding Beth,

I don't blame you for being tired of listening to your boyfriend talk about his ex; I wouldn't like it either! While I'm sure he truly loves you, it does sound like he has some pent-up issues about his ex, but unfortunately, that's something that only he has control over.

Open up to him and let him know that by continuously mentioning his ex, you're not sure he can truly let go and focus on what he has in front of him. Don't be shy about sharing your fears that he'll always wish he was with her instead of you; I think that's a truth he needs to hear. But do remember that a change like this doesn't happen over night. It's many small steps that happen over time, so be patient. However, if things stay the same you'll have to decide for yourself if this is something you can tolerate.

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Handle This: His Ex Is a Model

DearSugar — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 12:00:00 -0700

In the time you’ve been dating your boyfriend, you’ve inevitably learned things about his past including a few details about his ex, like that she dumped him out of nowhere and completely broke his heart. He seems very nostalgic about their relationship, and you’ve always had a fear that he would take her back if he could.

While flipping through a magazine with him, he points out a picture of her in one of the ads; it turns out she’s a model, and she’s breathtakingly gorgeous, which he's quick to point out. You know he's with you now, but you're no model. How would you handle this?

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This or That: His Ex or Yours?

DearSugar — Fri, 09 May 2008 08:00:00 -0700

You’ve stayed at your boyfriend’s place the past few days, and it’s taken a toll on your usual cute appearance. You haven’t had your hair products or your makeup, and you’ve run out of clean clothes. Your hair is frizzing, and you’re wearing a pair of stretched out jeans, your boyfriend’s t-shirt, and flip flops. (Luckily, he doesn’t care.) You guys decide to grab a quick bite to eat, but you kick yourself when you're surprised by an unexpected encounter. Would it be worse if you guys ran into …

This: His ex-girlfriend, the gorgeous one from all the pictures who broke his heart, and she’s looking, well, picture perfect? You try to give her your most confident handshake, but then you remember your ensemble.

Or …

That: Your ex-boyfriend who ended things with you because you just weren’t the one? Of course you’re over him, but you’ve been dying to run into him to prove that you’re doing better than ever - it would probably help if you looked better than ever.

Neither are how you envisioned, but which encounter is worse?

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You Asked: His Ex Is Making My Life Miserable

DearSugar — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 17:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have been together off and on for about five years, and we just moved in together two months ago. He has a 7-year-old son who comes over on the weekends. His son's mom is still dead set on trying to win my boyfriend back. She will call him several times a day, everyday. Sometimes it's to let him talk to his son, but most of the time it's not. In fact, she will tell him that he can't talk to his son unless he talks to her first. For a while she would just tell him that she misses him and that she wants to work it out, but a few days ago she actually asked him out on a date!

When she found out that we had moved in together, it got much worse, and she's now calling him up to 40 times a day! When she's not bugging him, she spends her time constantly badmouthing me. I trust my boyfriend, but it does cause fights because I don't understand why he even bothers talking to her.

I understand that they have a son together so they have to talk, but am I asking too much by expecting him to just hang up on her when she goes on one of her rants? Am I going to have to deal with this for the rest of my life? She has threatened to hurt me, and she talks badly about me (and my boyfriend) to their son. Is there anything we can do to tame this situation?

-Concerned Cora

To see DearSugar's answer read more

Dear Concerned Cora,

This certainly is a difficult situation, especially because there is a child involved. You have every right to feel frustrated, and I agree with you that your boyfriend should hang up as soon as his ex begins saying anything negative about you or your relationship. It sounds like he's worried that she won't let him see his son if he doesn't give into her wants, which is understandable, but try to explain to him that their relationship is not healthy for anyone involved, especially their son.

Though I don't know the specific custody arrangement, I do know that she can't refuse to let him see or speak to his child without legal repercussions. You might want to discuss the possibility of getting a formal custody agreement in place that's legally binding. That said, even if there is a formalized agreement, you're still going to have to deal with this woman for as long as you're with your boyfriend, and unfortunately, you can't control all of her actions or hostility. The most that you can do is keep an open dialog with your boyfriend and try to manage your reactions to the situation. Keep in mind that it's always better to be the bigger person. Best of luck to you.

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Group Therapy: The Ex-Everything

Wed, 23 Jan 2008 14:00:00 -0800

My boyfriend and I are happily together. We have no problems, share all of our money, and live together. I have never had any feelings for anyone but him since we've been together, and I never will. Our best friends are a couple that we've been close to since my boyfriend and I started dating. The guy and I used to date some time ago. We both knew that we would never last past high school - this was senior year. He was a good friend, but our relationship was never much more than that; we never said 'I love you' or even expressed those kind of feelings. We broke up, and I did not see him again until he was dating his current girlfriend.

We have had many double dates with them. The girlfriend has been one of my best friends. I call her when things get rough, and whenever I see really cool things, I am always dying to tell her. Her boyfriend and mine get along great, too. But this weekend something arose that I would have never expected. We had plans with them, but when I tried to call neither would answer their phone. Finally, the guy answered and told us that they couldn't hang out because, as it turns out, for the past year his girlfriend has felt that I have feelings for her boyfriend (and vice versa) and she just wants to "let it [our friendship] go."

She would not speak to me, and since then I've sent her an email trying to say that I have no feelings for her boyfriend. It kills me that I can't be her friend, but even more so, I just don't understand. I hate to lose two of my best friends. Especially since they were close to my boyfriend, too. I have been losing a lot of sleep, and I keep just breaking down into tears. Do you have any advice?

You Asked: To Move or Not to Move?

DearSugar — Tue, 13 Nov 2007 06:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I am moving half way across the country to move in with my boyfriend. I am totally in love with him and we have discussed getting married. Here is the problem - his ex-girlfriend spends the night at his house and sleeps in his bed. I just found this out and apparently this happens on occasion and she just spent the night there night before last!

He has a guest room and she only lives 15 minutes away! Why does she need to sleep in his bed? I told him I didn't like it and that it is really disrespectful to me. He assures me the relationship is totally platonic and that they are just friends. He doesn't understand why I don't trust him. I don't think they are having sex but I still don't like the idea of her sleeping next to him in the bed I picked out! I was certain that moving and uprooting my life was worth it to be with this guy, but now I couldn't be more confused. Do I move but just get my own place? Do I move in with him? Do I end the relationship? Help! - At a Loss Leslie

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more

Dear At a Loss Leslie,

Hmm, I must say I am at a loss here as well. There is absolutely no excuse for your boyfriend to be sleeping in the same bed as his girlfriend, "platonic" or not. How did you find out this information? If he told you, at least he is being honest with you, but I am still left wondering why they are hanging out in the first place. There is a reason why they are ex-boyfriend and girlfriend, and we all know that it's a constant debate whether or not men and women can be friends, so something's gotta be up.

If your boyfriend doesn't understand why you don't trust him, ask him how he would feel if he found your ex was sleeping in your bed - I have a feeling he wouldn't be a happy camper. I am not sure if you have already quit your job and gotten rid of your apartment, but if I were you, I would delay this move until you get these issues resolved. Find out if continuing a relationship with you is what he really wants. You say you have talked about marriage, but make sure you are not moving with any false expectations. Uprooting your life is a huge step so it's imperative to make sure you are 100 percent on the same page and that his ex is completely out of the picture. If your boyfriend can prove to you that he's ready to commit and can be trusted, then, and only then would I say go for it. Trust your gut Leslie, if you're writing me asking what to do, I have a feeling you know what the answer is here. Good luck.

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You Asked: Why Does he Still Have her Things?

DearSugar — Fri, 24 Aug 2007 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar--

I am 27 years old and have been dating my boyfriend for about a year. Before me, he went out with a girl for a year and a half. He recently moved into a new apartment, but before he moved, I would constantly find her clothes hidden around the house. I know he didn't know that they were there but it still really hurt. To make matters worse, I found that he has kept a birthday gift from her and keeps it hidden in a drawer. Also, I know they talk sporadically and he keeps whatever correspondence he has with her a total secret. Basically, I feel like he is protecting their relationship from me.

He knows I get very jealous but I think he feeds off feeling wanted. Am I overreacting by feeling that he should throw out the birthday gift and not talk to her anymore? Or at least not keep everything about her a secret? -- Jealous Jessie

To see DEARSUGAR's answer read more

Dear Jealous Jessie --

Yes, it does sound like jealousy is getting the best of you, but the way he keeps their communication a secret, I don't blame you! While it's still up for debate if it's a good idea to remain friends with an ex, if your boyfriend knows it makes you feel uneasy and insecure, he should either stop communicating with her altogether or he should be open and honest with you when they do talk. Have you talked to your boyfriend about how his actions are making you feel? He is not a mind reader, so if you haven't vocalized your feelings he won't realize how hurt you are.

I think it's OK for him to keep the birthday gift she gave him - I'm sure you have some keepsakes from past boyfriends as well - but the clothes around the house after being broken up for over a year and a half is unacceptable. It sounds like you need to set some boundaries with him so you can be happy in this relationship. You need to be able to trust him 100% and know that you are the only woman in his life. If he still makes you feel second best to his past, you might be better off without him as your mate. Good luck.

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