TresSugar

This or That: His Ex or Yours?

DearSugar — Fri, 09 May 2008 08:00:00 -0700

You’ve stayed at your boyfriend’s place the past few days, and it’s taken a toll on your usual cute appearance. You haven’t had your hair products or your makeup, and you’ve run out of clean clothes. Your hair is frizzing, and you’re wearing a pair of stretched out jeans, your boyfriend’s t-shirt, and flip flops. (Luckily, he doesn’t care.) You guys decide to grab a quick bite to eat, but you kick yourself when you're surprised by an unexpected encounter. Would it be worse if you guys ran into …

This: His ex-girlfriend, the gorgeous one from all the pictures who broke his heart, and she’s looking, well, picture perfect? You try to give her your most confident handshake, but then you remember your ensemble.

Or …

That: Your ex-boyfriend who ended things with you because you just weren’t the one? Of course you’re over him, but you’ve been dying to run into him to prove that you’re doing better than ever - it would probably help if you looked better than ever.

Neither are how you envisioned, but which encounter is worse?

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Would You Attend a Family Funeral of an Ex?

DearSugar — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 12:00:00 -0700

Two of Cameron Diaz's ex-boyfriends - Justin Timberlake and John Mayer - attended the memorial service for Cameron's father held this weekend. Maybe they just wanted to support her or maybe they had a good relationship with her dad, either way I found the news rather touching.

Sometimes it's important for exes to put aside their differences during tough times. I definitely have some ex-boyfriends who I would reach out to if they had a death in the family. I've also built relationships with exes' family members, especially their parents, whose funerals I would want to attend if tragedy struck.

What about you? Do you have exes who you'd want to be there for if they had a death in the family? And how would you feel if an ex did the same for you?

Bauer-Griffin Online

Group Therapy: The Ex-Everything

Wed, 23 Jan 2008 14:00:00 -0800

My boyfriend and I are happily together. We have no problems, share all of our money, and live together. I have never had any feelings for anyone but him since we've been together, and I never will. Our best friends are a couple that we've been close to since my boyfriend and I started dating. The guy and I used to date some time ago. We both knew that we would never last past high school - this was senior year. He was a good friend, but our relationship was never much more than that; we never said 'I love you' or even expressed those kind of feelings. We broke up, and I did not see him again until he was dating his current girlfriend.

We have had many double dates with them. The girlfriend has been one of my best friends. I call her when things get rough, and whenever I see really cool things, I am always dying to tell her. Her boyfriend and mine get along great, too. But this weekend something arose that I would have never expected. We had plans with them, but when I tried to call neither would answer their phone. Finally, the guy answered and told us that they couldn't hang out because, as it turns out, for the past year his girlfriend has felt that I have feelings for her boyfriend (and vice versa) and she just wants to "let it [our friendship] go."

She would not speak to me, and since then I've sent her an email trying to say that I have no feelings for her boyfriend. It kills me that I can't be her friend, but even more so, I just don't understand. I hate to lose two of my best friends. Especially since they were close to my boyfriend, too. I have been losing a lot of sleep, and I keep just breaking down into tears. Do you have any advice?

You Asked: My Ex Talks About Other Girls

DearSugar — Thu, 16 Aug 2007 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar--

My ex-fiancé and I are still friends. He called off the wedding 5 years ago because he wasn't sure if he wanted kids, and I really did. We've both moved on with our lives - he lives in another state and and I'm actually engaged.

Being friends has worked out for us so far, but ever since I told him I was getting married, every time we talk, he tells me about the other girls he's dating. I know he's just trying to show me that he's moved on, which is great, but I don't really care to hear all the explicit details, ya know? It's kind of immature.

I'm not jealous, I'm actually happy he's dating, but now our relationship is so one-sided because he's always talking about himself. We used to be really close and talk about everything, and he has never once asked me about my life or my upcoming wedding. He talks non-stop about what's going on with him, and then he says, "Okay, gotta go." Any suggestions?

--Moved On Maureen

To see DEARSUGAR's answer read more

Dear Moved On Maureen--

Well, you may not be jealous of him, but he is definitely jealous of you and your happiness. Maybe he's regretting the fact that he called off the wedding and gave you up. Or maybe it upsets him that you are engaged, and he's not. On the other hand, maybe he feels comfortable enough to talk to you about his new relationships and he values your advice.

Whatever the reason, since you are so close, do you think you can talk to him about how you feel? Friendship is a two way street so tell him that you love that he's dating, but he doesn't need to go on and on about the specifics. You can also subtly try to share some info about your life and your wedding plans and see how he takes it. If he's constantly changing the subject, call him out on it. Ask him flat-out, "Does it bother you when I talk about this?"

Remaining friends with an ex-boyfriend or ex-fiancé is really difficult because they'll always be your "ex." It's normal to talk about your own personal relationships with other friends, but when you bring it up with your "ex" it can come across as either a slap in the face or a way to prove that you've moved on. You may find that it just becomes too difficult to communicate on the friendship level, especially on a daily or weekly basis and you may just naturally grow apart. If speaking up doesn't help, you may have to let this friendship sizzle out. Good luck Maureen.

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Group Therapy: Crazed Jealous Monster

Fri, 11 May 2007 03:00:00 -0700

I broke up with my live-in boyfriend of 5 years a few months ago. We have been together for such a long time, so we have the same social circle and friends. Recently, when I go out with friends, he will be there with a new girl. I try my best to pretend that it does not bother me and continue socializing, but eventually I just lose it. I become enraged, just stare her down and end up having to leave. I have these bizarre feelings, like she is moving in on my friends and territory. I am a normally sane, calm and happy individual, but lately I can not control these feelings of angry and jealousy.

Any ideas on how to exorcise this demon that has taken over me?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

You Asked: What Should I Wear to see my Ex?

DearSugar — Tue, 03 Apr 2007 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar--
I've been happily married to an amazing man for 5 years. About 6 months ago I came into contact with an ex-boyfriend, and we've started up a friendship again through emails and phone calls (don't worry...the hubby is aware). It turns out that he will be passing through my town this month and we've decided to meet for a friendly lunch. There is only one problem; I don't know what to wear!

I don't want to look like I'm trying too hard to impress him, because the only person I need to impress is my husband (by the way, the ex is also married with a brand new baby), but at the same time, I haven't seen him for 7 years, so I want to look my best. Doesn't every girl want to knock the socks off their exes the first time they see them? (i.e. Carrie seeing Big for the first time after the break up in Sex and the City). So help me, Dear...what do I wear? --Fashion Challenged Carley

To see DEARSUGAR's answer read more

Dear Fashion Challenged Carley--

Wow, seven years is a long time, so I completely understand why you want to dress to impress. Seeing the ex for the first time can be extremely nerve wracking, but it's always fun to take a trip down memory lane. While looking your best is important, try not to follow in Miss Bradshaw's footsteps and get too overwhelmed. I must say, your husband sounds pretty amazing to be on board with this new kindled friendship, you're a lucky woman!

You're right, you don't want to look like you're trying too hard so stay away from anything too low cut or short, remember, and you are spoken for! Depending on where you lunch, I suggest a wrap dress with a simple pair of pumps or a fitted pair of jeans with a tailored, yet fun blouse. If you opt for the casual look, make sure to accessorize with a fabulous necklace or a show stopping pair of earrings. Don't go overboard on the make up, less is always more.

While it may feel like choosing the perfect outfit is what's most important, don't forget your confidence, it's the best accessory out there. Have fun with your old buddy and good luck!

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You Asked: Can I Keep Them Both Happy?

DearSugar — Wed, 14 Mar 2007 17:00:00 -0700

DearSugar --

I recently ended an 8 year relationship with a man who was not willing to commit. Obviously, he told me he was or would be eventually, but it took 8 years for me to see it wasn't gonna happen. I have now been dating someone that I have been friends with the entire 8 years I was with my ex. Things are moving along great, especially since we know each other so well.

My problem is this: My ex and I still talk almost, if not every day. You see we have shared custody of the dogs and stay in contact mostly because of them, but also because my ex is a workaholic (big reason for breakup too) and consequently really doesn't have many friends or people to count on. It is important for me to remain friends with him and to be there sometimes when he needs someone to talk to.

My new beau is pretty patient and good about this, but obviously feels threatened at times. My question is this: How do I make my new beau feel more secure without cutting out and abandoning my ex, who is now my friend? And how do I make my ex not feel like he is getting another slap in the face, since I ended the relationship in the first place? I want to be careful with everyone's feelings here. ~ Loyal Lisa

To see DEARSUGAR's answer read more

Dear Loyal Lisa --

It's wonderful that your current beau is so patient and understanding, and I'm glad you're trying to think about these relationships in new and different ways. Something in your note makes me question that the dogs have much to do with the level of contact you've maintained with your ex. I hope you'll dig deep in the next few days, Lisa, and think about why you speak with your ex so often. Setting aside his needs, his job, his lack of social support: why do you choose to speak with him this regularly?

Are you over the relationship? Do you need him to need you? Do you still need to have a central role in his life? Are you afraid to attach to your new beau? The best way to honor the feelings of these two men is to really explore and understand your own feelings right now.

You didn't slap your ex in the face by splitting up with him, Loyal Lisa. He's a grown man, making choices and priorities, and dealing with the consequences of both. You can be a good friend to him by speaking once a month, if need be, and letting him learn to build a life for himself outside of work. Maybe that's also a way for you to be a good friend to yourself, after those 8 years.

And I imagine that kind of decision about contact is exactly the piece of this puzzle that will communicate to your current boyfriend where your priorities and current affections are most directed. Loving, and untangling or transforming that love, challenges the best of us, Lisa. Be honest with yourself. Be brave, and be alive to your future.

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Do Tell: What was Your Most Awkward Ex Boyfriend Meeting?

DearSugar — Mon, 27 Aug 2007 07:00:00 -0700

When you run into your ex boyfriend, I think it's safe to say that every woman wants to look and feel their ultimate best, but unfortunately, it doesn't always work out that way. Since we all have them, ladies, do tell, what was your most awkward and uncomfortable ex boyfriend run in to date?

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Group Therapy: My Ex-Boyfriend Just Died, And I'm Relieved

Wed, 21 Jan 2009 04:00:00 -0800

Over the weekend I found out that my ex-boyfriend (my first boyfriend/love whom I dated when I was 17-20) died in a motorcycle accident. He was a horrible, manipulative boyfriend who cheated on me the entire three years we were together. He disrespected me, made me feel dumb, took advantage of me, and talked negatively about me when I wasn't around. Needless to say our relationship was unhealthy, dysfunctional, and emotionally abusive. Luckily, I have moved on and become a more confident person. However, when I found out about his death, I felt nothing but relief - Now I know I will never have to see him again. People who knew us both are questioning if I will attend his memorial service, but I have no positive memories and want nothing to do with him. Am I a horrible person for not feeling anything but relief about his death? Do I need to honor his memory?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To read more GROUP THERAPY, click here or submit your own question here.]
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How can I Move on?

DearSugar — Fri, 01 Jun 2007 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar--

I have been married for 12 years. Before I met my husband I was in a serious relationship for 4 years. I got mad one night at my boyfriend and cheated on him. I got pregnant. Soon after we broke up. I met my husband 6 months after my son was born. I have not thought of my ex-boyfriend much, just every once in a while. A few months ago, I saw that my ex-boyfriend was in the paper (he is a cop) and someone he tasered died. I was worried about him and contacted him. We talked and emailed for a while, all of which I told my husband.

My husband and I have been having some intimacy problems lately and he asked me to stop contacting my ex, but I just couldn't. I was starting to relive old feelings. About a month ago, my husband read a journal entry that I made about how confused I am and how I started developing feelings for my ex again. He confronted me and we decided to go to counseling. The counselor stated I needed to cut all ties with my ex and concentrate on my marriage, which I have done and things have gotten better between me and my husband, but I still find myself thinking and dreaming about my ex. I feel I want to still talk to him, but I know if I do it will ruin my marriage. I do not know why I am still having these feelings of wanting to communicate with him -- my husband is wonderful and supportive and loving, but I just can't ignore this desire I have for my ex. Please help me! --Can't Let it Go Linda

To see DEARSUGAR's answer read more

Dear Can't Let it Go Linda--

Reliving old feelings for an ex-boyfriend can be extremely confusing, so I understand how your head and heart must be feeling right now. With that said, your therapist is right -- if you want to give your marriage a fighting chance, you must cut all ties with your ex.

Did contacting your ex create the intimacy problems you are facing with your husband or was it the issues in the bedroom that initiated the contact in the first place? Since all marriages have a down cycle, it isn't surprising that contacting an old flame made you feel some excitement again, maybe even made you feel attractive and desired, but you have to ask yourself if you are simply stirring the pot to boost your ego, or if you really still do have feelings for this man.

It sounds as though your husband is a wonderful man who loves and supports you, but if you are having feelings for another man that won't seem to go away, you need to be true to yourself and your husband. You have taken all the right steps to rectify this situation (therapy, honesty, and severing ties with your ex) so if you still can't get him out of your head or your dreams, you're going to have to find out if he is the one you are supposed to be with after all. Although your husband is a wonderful man, he might not be the right man for you so follow your gut instinct here and most importantly, your heart. I wish you luck Linda.

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