TresSugar

You Asked: Is He Off Limits?

DearSugar — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 11:44:48 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My sister and her ex boyfriend broke up over five years ago and since then, he and I have remained friends. Once or twice he has alluded to liking me, but nothing ever happened between us. The subject has come up again, and he asked me to dinner tomorrow night. I adore him as a friend and could see that friendship growing into something more, so should I say something to my sister or just wait to see what comes of this date? - Going on a Date Deborah

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Dear Going on a Date Deborah,

Without knowing any of the details about your sister's breakup or where she is in her life now, I would advise you to be honest with her about your feelings for this guy. Even if things are up in the air, I'm sure she'd appreciate your candor - wouldn't you want her to be forthright if the roles were reversed?

You don't have to go into too much detail, especially since nothing has happened yet, but the more honest you are, the easier this situation will be for everyone involved. Good luck; I hope she takes the news well.

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Would You Be OK With His Ex Attending Your Wedding?

DearSugar — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 11:00:00 -0700

In case you missed it, Bruce Willis married Emma Heming in Turks and Caicos over the weekend, and as I'm sure you could have guessed, Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore were in attendance. While I think it's great that Demi and Bruce have been able to maintain a friendship postdivorce, especially for their kids' sake, I don't know if I'd be OK with my new husband's ex-wife attending my wedding. While I know they've both moved on, I think I'd want my wedding to be all about us without having to worry about what his ex is thinking, or being reminded that he's taken the walk down the aisle before. Now that's just my opinion so tell me, would you be all right with your husband's ex-wife attending your wedding?

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Sunday Confessional - I Followed My Ex

DearSugar — Sun, 08 Mar 2009 09:00:00 -0700

My boyfriend and I recently broke up and I've been devastated ever since. As a way to cheer me up, my girlfriends planned a night out on the town to "get me back out there again." They told me I could pick the place, which is where my confession comes into play.

Since the split, I've been following my ex on Twitter and he posted where he was going to be Saturday night. I didn't tell my friends this, but I chose the same place for our girls night. We did in fact run into each other, and it was an unfortunate nightmare of an evening. It was all my fault, I'm totally aware of that, but I'm feeling incredibly guilty for ruining the fabulous night my girls had planned for me. I learned my lesson - I will never follow my ex again - so can I be forgiven?

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Handle This: Your Ex Reached Out to You

DearSugar — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 11:00:00 -0800

If you were put in a situation like this, how would you handle it?

Over the weekend, you were completely taken aback when your ex-boyfriend, who you dated for four years and still love, called to wish you a happy Valentine's Day. Since Saturday, you've been talking on the phone daily, and it feels like you've slipped right back into your old ways. When you told your best friend that he reached out to you, she immediately gave you a piece of her mind. While you were aware that your tumultuous relationship affected your friends too, you didn't know just how much they despised him for you.

You discovered through your long conversations that he's single, just like you, and before talking to your friend about him, you were entertaining the idea of getting back together. Knowing that she is against it makes matters incredibly complicated, and you're torn - you don't know if you should trust her, an outsider looking out for your best intentions, or your own heart. It feels like a lose/lose, so tell me, how would you handle this?

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Sunday Confessional - I Thought About My Ex While Having Sex With My Boyfriend

DearSugar — Sun, 08 Feb 2009 09:00:00 -0800

I've been with my boyfriend for two years now. In the beginning, we couldn't get enough of each other and the sex was phenomenal. As we settled into our relationship, the passion began to fade. I know that's completely normal, but sex has always been really important to each of us so it wasn't long before things got awkward between us.

I knew something had to change so I started to wear sexy lingerie to help reignite the flame. It felt great to have him want me again like the good old days, but he wasn't reciprocating the effort.

To make matters more complicated, an ex-boyfriend of mine recently contacted me on Facebook. Things didn't work out between us for legitimate reasons, but I always found him incredibly desirable. He's been top of mind lately and the other night while having sex with my boyfriend, I found myself fantasizing about my ex. I felt guilty the entire time, but that was the first time we had mind-blowing sex in months. I don't want to get into the habit of thinking about other men while being intimate with my boyfriend, who I love more than anything, but can I be forgiven if I let my mind wonder from time to time?

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True Confession - I Feel Guilty For Being Upset About My Ex

DearSugar — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 06:00:00 -0800

Weigh in and tell us if you forgive or not forgive this True Confession.

"I'm in an amazing, fulfilling relationship with a man I want to marry someday. I'm blissfully happy with him, so why did my heart fall to the floor when I found out my ex just got engaged?"

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You Asked: I'm Plagued With Thoughts of My Abusive Ex

DearSugar — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 12:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

About two years ago I broke up with a boyfriend who I had been with for three years. Throughout our relationship, he lied to me numerous times about drinking and drugs, as well as his actions with other women. He would vow to change each time but never did. He also made me feel guilty and accused me of not loving him anytime I wanted to do something that didn't involve him - be it a family function or a night out with the girls. I never had the strength to break up with him because I was sure we loved each other. I alienated myself from all my friends and he became my everything. Towards the end of our relationship, I felt trapped and incredibly unhappy. I finally mustered up the courage to break up with him but convincing myself that I deserved better was a very painful process - I slowly realized that I was in an abusive relationship.

I've made a few new friends but haven't dated since. I've recently, for some reason, started thinking about my ex again. The logical part of me knows he treated me terribly, and I thought I had made my peace with the whole ordeal, but I'm plagued with thoughts of him. I really just want to move on with my life and maybe one day have a healthy relationship, but I just don't know how to do that. Do you have any advice for me? - Hurting Heather

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Dear Hurting Heather,

Abuse does not belong in any relationship so I'm glad to hear that you've ended things with your ex. With that said, it sounds like you became pretty dependent on each other so it's no surprise that you're still holding onto feelings for him. When any relationship ends, good or bad, it takes time to move on. Keep reminding yourself that you do deserve better, and I also suggest you speak to a therapist - she could help you work through your feelings and thoughts about the abuse you endured, and help you make progress in the moving-on phase.

Having a healthy relationship is possible, Heather, but you'll have to let go of the past before you can work on your future. Lean on your friends and family for support and remember that with time, all wounds heal. Good luck to you.

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You Asked: Is Meeting Up With My Ex Worth the Risk?

DearSugar — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 12:30:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,
My boyfriend and I have been happily together for two years. Sure, things aren't always perfect, but he's considerate, playful, and gives me hope that we can have a wonderful future together. Here's the problem: My ex came home for the holidays, said that he's moving back and wants to get together for dinner and drinks. We broke up for the simple fact that he had to move away for a job and long distance became too difficult. There was no cheating or lying, and we didn't fall out of love for each other. We always had had amazing chemistry and said that if it was meant to be, we'd find one another again.

I really don't want to jeopardize the relationship I am in now, but I'm still young and feel like I'll always wonder "what if?" I am scared that if I do see him, I'll instantly fall back in love and then I'll be in an even bigger mess than I am now. I'm at such a loss and could really use some advice! - At a Loss Liza

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Dear At a Loss Liza,

If you'll always be wondering "what if," I think you should take him up on dinner and drinks and see what happens. It won't matter if your current boyfriend gives you hope of a wonderful future together if you're still unsure how you feel about your ex - one-sided relationships just don't work. If you do in fact instantly fall back in love with him then you'll know things weren't meant to be with your current boyfriend. Perhaps you simply found each other again, just like you said you could! On the other hand, you could get together for dinner and realize that there's absolutely no chemistry there after all, which will put an instant end to your confusion.

There's no harm in following your heart, but Liza, if those old feelings do come back, be honest with your boyfriend. Don't lead him on. There are no guarantees in life so follow your instincts and your heart, and do whatever will make you happy in the long run. Good luck.

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Sunday Confessional: I Hooked Up With My Ex Who Has a Girlfriend

DearSugar — Sun, 30 Nov 2008 09:00:00 -0800

My ex-boyfriend and I dated extremely seriously for three years. We broke up around this time last year because we realized that we wanted different things out of life. It was an extremely hard breakup, and I had to move in order to get over him and our relationship. I've since regained my life and am feeling much better about our split.

We haven't spoken in months, and I usually do a very good job avoiding him when I come home to visit family and friends. Every year on Thanksgiving, through, my group of friends get together to kind of unwind from a day with the family at our local pub. I went, and my ex was there as well. It was great to see him, but the second we hugged I realized that our connection is still very much there. We chatted alone most of the night, and I found out he has a new girlfriend who was spending the holiday with her family. As the night wore on and the drinks flowed, we slipped back into our old ways and it wasn't long before we walked out of the bar together. Long story short, we spent the night together and it was amazing, but more so because I realized that I just don't love him the way I used to.

Part of me is glad this happened between us, but the other part makes me feel like a terrible person because he has a girlfriend, which makes me the other woman. I have never stood for cheating, but something in me just felt like we needed to do this one last time so I could finally move on for good. Can I be forgiven for having sex with my ex-boyfriend even though he has a new girlfriend?

Submit your own Sunday Confessionals here to post them anonymously and see if you are forgiven!

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You Asked: Should I Pass on Praise to My Ex?

DearSugar — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 11:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend of five years and I broke up (rather awkwardly) last October and it completely shattered my heart. While we were civil and polite immediately after, we haven't spoken much or seen each other for about a year. I've since moved on, and I am confident he has too. Although I'm curious to know how he is, I hadn't really considered any contact until I heard a really nice compliment to him. I was at the local dog park a few days ago and some of the other women there were discussing the math programs at their kids' schools. One woman mentioned what a difference a certain teacher made for her son, and the particular school as well as the way she described him makes me 100 percent confident that she was talking about my ex-beau.

I know how much he loves teaching and acting as a role model to his students so should I write him an email to relay the praise? I want to respect his space and privacy, and my heart, so is this a can of worms I should avoid opening or should I just do it? - Do Good Greta

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Dear Do Good Greta,

I think it's very sweet that you're considering relaying this praise on to your ex, but I just want to make sure you're doing it for the right reasons. If you want to use this as an excuse to get back in touch with him, I highly suggest you weigh the pros and cons before doing so. Ask yourself if you'd be upset if he wasn't happy to hear from you, if he didn't want to rekindle your friendship, and be prepared to have all those sad feelings around your breakup resurface again.

If you wholeheartedly just want to pass along the compliment with no strings attached, do it, I'm sure he'd love to hear it, but if you have an ulterior motive, make sure you think through every angle - you don't want to set yourself up for failure or hurt.

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