http://www.tressugar.com Smart. Sexy. Fun. en http://www.tressugar.com/5186143 <a href="http://www.tressugar.com/5186143"><img width=160 height=103 src='http://media.onsugar.com/files/ons1/301/3019466/40_2009/0c91513336acb670_verbalabuse.large.jpg'></div></a><p><a href="http://www.tressugar.com/tag/conventional+wisdom" >Conventional Wisdom</a> is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. If you have a question you'd like answered on Conventional Wisdom, you can submit it <a href="http://www.tressugar.com/contact/ask" >here</a>.<br /> <br /> This week, a woman unwilling to settle shares her wisdom with a distraught woman who's sick of her boyfriend calling her cruel names. October is <a href="http://dvam.vawnet.org/" target="_blank">domestic violence awareness month</a>. Remember, just because he's not punching you in the face doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. <a href="http://www.verbalabuse.com/faq.shtml" target="_blank">Verbal abuse</a> is still abuse.</p> <p><b>This week's question:</b></p> <p>"Every time my boyfriend gets angry, I get called names. 'Bitch' is the most often one thrown at me. I have told him so many times that it hurts me but he says it's only words. Sometimes he doesn't even apologize. Yesterday, he told me a story about his friend. I told him that I had a headache. He started shouting and telling me that I just wasn't interested, that I was rude. I wanted him to shut up. He called me a bitch again! He always tells me that he would never call me anything if I didn't make him by behaving like an idiot. Once he called me pathetic. I told him I didn't like that and he said at least he didn't call me a bitch. I'm sick and tired of explaining how wrong he is. He thinks he knows better. Please help!"</p> <p>Signed,</p> <p>In Pain</p> <p>To hear what a woman unwilling to settle thinks about this situation, read more</p> <p>Dear In Pain:</p> <p>GET OUT. DUMP HIM. MOVE ON. LET GO. LEAVE. DROP HIM! </p> <p>The simple truth is that your boyfriend does not respect you and he certainly doesn’t value you, your feelings, or your relationship. He is literally shouting this at you. And it’s time for you to hear him, loud and clear. </p> <p>I realize it’s easy to become confused in matters of the heart. But at the core of any meaningful, loving, long-lasting relationship is always going to be respect. (Trust Aretha to say it like it is!) Without that, you’ve got nothing. And that is exactly what you’ve got right now-<i>nothing</i>. </p> <p>Your boyfriend doesn’t have the maturity, self-awareness, or emotional development to be the man you want or to offer you the relationship you deserve. (Or at least I presume you expect something more, since you’ve taken the time to write in!) </p> <p>You are only fooling yourself if you think this guy is going to change. And while you continue to endure his demeaning comments and cruel behavior, you could be out there enjoying the world, meeting new people, and building a life and relationships to be proud of. What are you waiting for? </p> <p>Take that next step! Show yourself a little respect and leave him and his drama behind you. And while you’re at it, ask yourself one very simple question: why are you in this situation to begin with? If you take the time to sort out your head now, you’ll spare yourself the heartache and disappointment of repeating the same pattern in the future. And at that point you'll be free to meet someone worthy of your time and your heart. Stop being so afraid to take responsibility for your own happiness and make the change now! </p> <p><span style='font-size:10px !important;'><a href="http://www.adsneeze.com/social/domestic-violence-ads" target="_blank">Source</a></span></p> http://www.tressugar.com/5186143#comment Love and Sex Relationships Advice Emotional abuse Conventional Wisdom Verbal Abuse Name Calling Domestic Violence Awareness Month Mon, 05 Oct 2009 04:00:00 -0700 TresSugar http://www.tressugar.com/5186143 http://www.tressugar.com/2984217 <a href="http://www.tressugar.com/2984217"><img width=106 height=160 src='http://media.onsugar.com/files/upl2/0/3362/14_2009/1693942edd70c3de_200305565-001.large.jpg'></div></a><p><span class="inline left"></span>Dear Sugar, </p> <p>I've been with my fiance for two years now. He is the absolute love of my life, so when he recently proposed, I didn't hesitate to say yes! Before we dated, I dated his best friend for four years. My ex and I were broken up for close to two years before my fiance and I got together, but it still ended their friendship. </p> <p>They have recently started to talk and become friends again, but it's causing quite a rift in our relationship. My ex could quite possibly be the biggest jerk in the world - he was threatening, jealous, and emotionally abusive toward me, and I don't want him in my life in any way, shape, or form. My fiance, on the other hand, thinks that their friendship is separate from our relationship, but it has already affected our otherwise perfect relationship. I don't want to seem unreasonable so how should I handle this situation? - He's Causing a Rift Ritta</p> <p>To see DearSugar's answer read more</p> <p>Dear He's Causing a Rift Ritta,</p> <p>I'm sorry to hear that your relationship is going through some turmoil right now, but I'm sure your fiance has really missed his best friend throughout the years, so I'm not all that surprised that they're trying to rebuild their relationship. Instead of letting him taint this exciting time in your life, open up to your finance and explain how you feel.</p> <p>Since you can't tell him who he can and cannot be friends with, you guys are going to have to come to a middle ground. If you need closure from your ex, now is the time to get it, but if you're not ready to go back to that time in your life, ask your fiance to respect your needs and understand your position. I can see how this could cause a rift in your relationship so keep the lines of communication open and ask for whatever you need to feel comfortable about their friendship. Good luck to you.</p> <p><span style='font-size:10px !important;'><a href="http://www.gettyimages.com" target="_blank">Source</a></span></p> <p><br clear=all></p> http://www.tressugar.com/2984217#comment Love and Sex Relationships Abuse Advice You Asked past relationships Jealousy Emotional abuse Tue, 31 Mar 2009 12:30:00 -0700 DearSugar http://www.tressugar.com/2984217 http://www.tressugar.com/2829861 <a href="http://www.tressugar.com/2829861"><img width=160 height=107 src='http://media.onsugar.com/files/upl2/0/3362/08_2009/c1650e1c3aaf93c2_200322202-001.large.jpg'></div></a><p>Dear Sugar, </p> <p>I am in a relationship that has been incredibly intense since the day we met. We lived together, but our relationship has suffered many blows. My boyfriend began to lose his temper in ways I'd never seen before - he became mildly verbally abusive and he's frightened me on several occasions. During those times, I'd go to sleep thinking 'I have to get out of this', but by morning, he would be apologetic and sweet, and he would tell me that he wanted to change. I always believed him and stayed. </p> <p><span class="inline left"></span></p> <p>Things became so hard on me that I finally moved out two months ago. His behavior has become much less severe, but I still feel torn as to whether or not I should give him the chance to start treating me better. I'm just not sure if his temper has truly improved or if it would return to the same level once we got back together. Am I foolish to think it could work out with someone like this? - Torn Tanja </p> <p>To see DearSugar's answer read more</p> <p>Dear Torn Tanja,</p> <p>I'm really sorry to hear about your boyfriend's change in behavior, but I'm really glad to hear that you've moved out. You say that he's become slightly verbally abusive, but Tanja, any kind of abuse - mild or not - should not be tolerated in any relationship. </p> <p>You say you've seen him change since you've been apart, but I'd be extremely hesitant to believe that he's transformed himself in just two months. If this is a relationship you really want to salvage, I highly recommend that your boyfriend starts seeing a therapist as it sounds like he has some anger management issues that he needs to address ASAP. </p> <p>While I'd like to think everything could work out for you two in the end, you need to remember that abuse of any kind is <a href="http://www.dearsugar.com/tag/Respect+Campaign" target="_blank">simply unacceptable behavior</a>. Put yourself first and if you find yourself yearning to get back together, please proceed with caution. Trust your gut instincts, and I wish you luck.</p> <p><span style='font-size:10px !important;'><a href="http://www.gettyimages.com" target="_blank">Source</a></span></p> <p><br clear=all></p> http://www.tressugar.com/2829861#comment Love and Sex Relationships Abuse Advice You Asked Emotional abuse Thu, 19 Feb 2009 12:30:00 -0800 DearSugar http://www.tressugar.com/2829861 http://www.tressugar.com/1894344 <a href="http://www.tressugar.com/1894344"><img width=106 height=160 src='http://media.onsugar.com/files/upl1/0/3362/35_2008/71045002.large.jpg'></div></a><p><span class="inline left"></span>The new guy your best friend is seeing has rubbed you the wrong way from day one. You’ve always been nice to him, but you get a very sketchy and somewhat controlling vibe from him. </p> <p>Most recently you witnessed some strange scenes between him and your friend where it seems he’s intentionally putting her down in a condescending manner. She’s taken to isolating herself, and you think there may be some <a href="http://dearsugar.com/506693" target="_blank">emotional abuse</a> going on. While it's technically none of your business, you don't want your friend to get hurt so how would <i>you</i> handle this?</p> <p><a href="http://www.gettyimages.com" target="_blank">Source</a><br /> <br clear=all></p> http://www.tressugar.com/1894344#comment Love and Sex Conflict Friendship Handle This Relationship Issues Emotional abuse Thu, 28 Aug 2008 13:00:00 -0700 DearSugar http://www.tressugar.com/1894344 http://www.tressugar.com/1772782 <a href="http://www.tressugar.com/1772782"><img width=159 height=160 src='http://media.onsugar.com/files/upl1/0/3362/28_2008/200320996-001.large.jpg'></div></a><p><span class="inline left"></span>Dear Sugar, </p> <p>I'm a 23-year-old, recent college graduate living with my mom and her new husband. My mother and I have had issues with our relationship for years. I've always been her scapegoat whenever she needs to vent, which is almost every day. She seems to love belittling me. Her new husband is extremely difficult to live with - he's very condescending and puts other people down to lift up his spirits. </p> <p>My mother puts her husband over me and my other siblings. She blatantly states that she doesn't care if what she says or does makes us feel bad. She consistently minimizes my contribution to the household, ignoring the fact that I have over $25,000 in student loans to pay off (with no help from her). I can't take much more, but right now I'm not financially able to move out. I have a job, but when grad school starts in two months, I have no choice but to quit. I don't know what to do or how to cope with this. I feel stuck in a really tight place. Any suggestions? </p> <p>- Trapped Trina</p> <p>To see DearSugar's answer, read more.</p> <p>Dear Trapped Trina, </p> <p>I'm so sorry that this is the current living situation that you're dealing with. There's no excuse for such treatment especially from your own mother. Both her and your step-father sound incredibly selfish and emotionally abusive, and sadly, I don't think that will ever change. Regardless of your financial constraints and the difficulties facing you, you absolutely must get away from them. </p> <p>Talk to your college financial-aid department about looking into grants and scholarship programs or seeing if you're eligible for an increase in financial aid. If you absolutely must quit your job, which I'd avoid at all costs even it means dropping to a part-time schedule of classes, look for a new job with extremely flexible hours. On-campus positions are always a good option for full-time students as are babysitting and tutoring jobs. Every hour that you're not in school, doing homework, or sleeping, try to fill with money-making opportunities. </p> <p>In the meantime, stay with friends if you can and scour the classifieds for cheap room listings. Do what it takes to move out; the stress and exhaustion you may have making ends meet will be far less than the distress, trauma, and emotional heartache you suffer by trying to cope with living at home. </p> <p><a href="http://www.gettyimages.com" target="_blank">Source</a></p> http://www.tressugar.com/1772782#comment Love and Sex Money Family Budget Advice You Asked Emotional abuse Mon, 14 Jul 2008 17:00:00 -0700 DearSugar http://www.tressugar.com/1772782 http://www.tressugar.com/1696789 <a href="http://www.tressugar.com/1696789"><img width=160 height=160 src='http://media.onsugar.com/files/upl1/0/3362/24_2008/fight.large.jpg'></div></a><p><span class="inline left"></span>Dear Sugar,</p> <p>I met this guy over a year and a half ago. We fell for each other instantly, intensely, and passionately. However three or four months in, it was clear (from our constant clashing) that we differed in personalities, likes and dislikes, opinions, communication styles, you name it. His inability at controlling his temper created a lot of problems for us. When we argue, it's common for him to call me names, swear at me, and make low blows. I know I don't deserve this, I've been treated far better by men in my life, yet I can't seem to leave this guy. I'm in love with him, and it breaks my heart to give up and walk away. What should I do? How can I gather courage, face the facts, and do what I need to do? - I Deserve Better Barb</p> <p>To see DearSugar's answer read more.</p> <p>Dear I Deserve Better Barb,</p> <p>I'm glad to hear that you're aware that you don't deserve to be talked down to like that by anyone, let alone your boyfriend, but I also understand the fear of walking away from the man you love. It sounds as though you fell for each other pretty quickly before you really had a chance to get to know each other, which is why you are just now realizing how different you are. </p> <p>Since I don't know anything about the good parts of your relationship, I can only talk to what you've told me. Of course people get fiery when they fight, and it's not uncommon to say things you don't mean in the heat of the moment, but it sounds like his behavior is borderline <a href="http://dearsugar.com/506693" target="_blank">abusive.</a> Since you two are so different, in what sounds like every part of your personalities, I think it would behoove you to cut your losses now before you get even more emotionally involved. Walking away from someone you care deeply about is scary, yes, but staying with someone that has the ability to belittle you the way he does is even worse. </p> <p>It is time to face the facts Barb. When you love someone, you don't intentionally hurt them. Sure, all relationships have their problems, but having an uncontrollable temper is a huge red flag. Urging him to see a therapist is a great first step. At the end of the day, though, you're going to have to follow your gut and I think it's telling you the right thing - to leave him. I wish you luck, and continue to stay strong.</p> <p><a href="http://www.gettyimages.com" target="_blank">Source</a></p> http://www.tressugar.com/1696789#comment Love and Sex Love Relationships Abuse Advice You Asked Emotional abuse Tue, 10 Jun 2008 06:00:00 -0700 DearSugar http://www.tressugar.com/1696789 http://www.tressugar.com/1541636 <a href="http://www.tressugar.com/1541636"><img width=104 height=160 src='http://media.onsugar.com/files/upl1/0/3362/15_2008/200211924-001.large.jpg'></div></a><p><span class="inline left"></span>Dear Sugar, </p> <p>My boyfriend and I spend wonderful times together, but always after a great weekend or outing he goes into work mode and gets completely busy and distracted. I on the other hand have an idle mind, and I end up thinking a lot about our relationship - how I think it should be. I want to be able to see him every single day. I am a very assertive person, so I have no problem telling him what I want, but he has his own pace. I am impulsive and love to be living in the moment, and he takes his time with everything. </p> <p>Yesterday he came over but only after I had nagged at him. But instead of appreciating it, I ended up screaming at him about how he could be so much better to me. I got carried away and ended up tugging on his shirt collar in a violent way. I'm so angry at myself for what I did, and I know that I really hurt him and scared him. I have anger problems that need help and I would hate to lose the best relationship of my life because I have no self-control. I know I can be very emotionally abusive when I "want" to be, and I have done things like this before. How can I learn to cope and save my relationship before it's too late?</p> <p>- Demanding Deb</p> <p>To see DearSugar's answer read more.</p> <p>Dear Demanding Deb, </p> <p>You're obviously well aware that you have some anger issues to work on, which is always the first step in getting past any personal issue. Learning self-control is incredibly difficult, but possible, so be both patient and hopeful during this process. I recommend therapy as a good starting point because it will help you get to the very heart of these issues. But in order to <a href="http://dearsugar.com/1533489" target="_blank">really change</a> for good, you'll need to work on this every day. </p> <p>When you're away from your boyfriend, instead of dwelling on the fact that you're apart and that he should be with you, use that energy to be productive. Write it all down and then go for a long walk, cook a meal, or clean your shower. Just do whatever will get you to release your energy and take your mind off of things. Also keep in mind that a little healthy distance is a good thing in a relationship. </p> <p>When you feel that anger begin to well up inside you, take a few seconds to consider your options. Close your eyes, walk away from your boyfriend, or count to 10. Try to conjure up the terrible feeling you have when you overreact and are cruel to him. Then choose the action that will make it least likely for you to end up acting out. If that means crying on your boyfriend's shoulder than do so, if it means taking 30 minutes by yourself then ask to be alone. If you can do it once, all the times that follow will get easier and easier. And do let your boyfriend know what your going through so that he can be a pillar of support during this time! </p> <p><a href="http://legacycreative.gettyimages.com/source/home/home.aspx" target="_blank">Source</a></p> http://www.tressugar.com/1541636#comment Love and Sex Abuse Advice You Asked Relationship Issues Emotional abuse Mon, 14 Apr 2008 17:00:00 -0700 DearSugar http://www.tressugar.com/1541636 http://www.tressugar.com/558150 <a href="http://www.tressugar.com/558150"><img width=160 height=144 src='http://media.onsugar.com/files/users/1/12981/34_2007/sad_0.large.jpg'></div></a><p>Dear Sugar--</p> <p>You would think I would know these things by now but I'm very confused. Maybe this is the way relationships are supposed to be. But I don't think so. I think I'm in a very abusive relationship and I don't know how to get out.</p> <p><span class="inline left"></span>I've been engaged for 3 years, and I've never met my fiance's family, and I'm not allowed to speak to his friends, or be at the house when someone is there. He has everything in my name such as his cars, houses, utilities, cable, phone, gas, groceries, etc. He has never paid for one thing since we've been together. He works all the time but he never has any money. He forced me to buy a home that I can't afford and now I have all these credit card bills because he keeps charging to them. I'll call and cancel them and he calls and re-instates them.</p> <p>He calls me names like you b*tch, c*nt, whore, and combinations of other vile disgusting things. He tells me I'm a black hole and that NO man would ever want me. I used to let it all slide and then I started arguing back, but it just makes it worse. He makes me feel like I bring this on myself. </p> <p>He always accuses me of inquiring about his bank accounts which I never have, in fact this happened today. He called out "God make her stop," and "don't let her say another word, she is a liar," and "I can't hear anymore." I said again, "you are wrong I haven't lied to you. I did not inquire or look at your account." We were sitting in the middle of an intersection and he started throwing this tantrum, banging on the door and the dashboard, throwing his food at me, calling me names. He broke my console and then jumped out of the car while telling me he hated me and that I was a disgusting b*tch! </p> <p>I grew up with an abusive father and I've been putting up with his for years. Why can't I see that he is using me and why can't I leave? I feel like I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. I'm not crazy, this is abuse right?</p> <p>--Can't Take it Anymore Carla</p> <p>To see DEARSUGAR's answer read more</p> <p>Dear Can't Take it Anymore Carla--</p> <p>My heart is breaking just reading this. Honey, your man is controlling and yes, this <b>is</b> an abusive relationship. He doesn't have to be physically hurting you in order for it to qualify as "abuse." Abuse is about one person dominating the other, and all that you've explained above shows that your boyfriend is trying to control you and everything you do. He's taking advantage of your kindness and damaging your heart and self-esteem.</p> <p><a href="/506693" >Emotional abuse</a> does NOT belong in any relationship. You should be free to see who you want, go where you want, and not have to answer to him or pay his bills. All this awful name calling is about him trying to make you feel bad about yourself, but don't let him. You are a strong, smart, and caring person who deserves to be in a relationship with someone who loves, and above all, respects you!</p> <p>I fear that things will only get worse, so you <b>must</b> get out of this relationship, ASAP. You've got to leave him any way you can. Go and stay with a trusted family member or friend so you are not going through this alone. You can also get information and support by calling the <a href="/410420" >National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224.</a> Please take care of yourself before he really hurts you.</p> <p><a href="http://creative.gettyimages.com" target="_blank">Source</a></p> http://www.tressugar.com/558150#comment Love and Sex Abuse relationship Advice You Asked Emotional abuse Control Fri, 24 Aug 2007 17:00:00 -0700 DearSugar http://www.tressugar.com/558150 http://www.tressugar.com/506693 <a href="http://www.tressugar.com/506693"><img width=106 height=160 src='http://media.onsugar.com/files/users/1/12981/32_2007/sad.large.jpg'></div></a><p>Let me say this out loud - <b>Mental Abuse is STILL Abuse</b>. A person does not have to hit you or hurt you physically in order for it to constitute as abuse. </p> <p><span class="inline left"></span>Someone who is emotionally abusive often feels worthless themselves, and uses their relationships to create a feeling of personal power and control over someone else. </p> <p>Relationships should be about respect, and if you are being mistreated emotionally, it is wrong, and the relationship needs to end ASAP. Emotional abuse can take on many shapes and you may be in an <a href="http://www.ndvh.org/educate/what_is_dv.html" target="_blank">emotionally abusive relationship</a> if your partner:</p> <ul> <li>Calls you names, insults you, or constantly criticizes you</li> <li>Doesn't trust you, or acts jealous or possessive</li> <li>Tries to isolate you from your family or friends</li> <li<Monitors where you go, who you call, and who you spend your time with</li> <li>Doesn't want you to work, get an education, or do the things that you love</li> </ul> <p>Want to see the rest? Then read more</p> <p>An emotionally abusive partner may also:</p> <ul> <li>Control finances, or refuse to share money</li> <li>Make all the decisions</li> <li>Punish you by withdrawing love or affection</li> <li>Expect you to ask permission</li> <li>Threaten to hurt you, your children, your family, your friends, or your pets</li> <li>Humiliate or embarrass you in any way</li> </ul> <p><b>Dear's Advice:</b> If even one of these sounds familiar to you or to someone you know, you can get more information or support by calling the <a href="/410420" >National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224.</a></p> <p><a href="http://creative.gettyimages.com" target="_blank">Source</a></p> http://www.tressugar.com/506693#comment Love and Sex Insult National Domestic Violence Hotline Emotional abuse Control Power humiliate Thu, 09 Aug 2007 15:00:00 -0700 DearSugar http://www.tressugar.com/506693 http://www.tressugar.com/410420 <a href="http://www.tressugar.com/410420"></a><p>I just found out this unfortunate statistic: in America, at least <a href="http://www.endabuse.org/resources/facts/" target="_blank">1 in every 3 women</a> has been beaten, coerced into sex or otherwise abused during her lifetime. Abuse is NEVER okay - <b>period</b>. No one should ever be subjected to an abusive relationship, but unfortunately it's a reality and sometimes figuring out how to get out is hard to deal with alone.</p> <p><span class="inline left"></span><a href="http://www.ndvh.org/" target="_blank">The National Domestic Violence Hotline</a> is there to offer help to victims and families of abuse. Their hotline provides assistance and guidance 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. They believe that every person deserves to live in a world free from violence and that safe homes and safe families are the foundation of a safe society.</p> <p>Hotline advocates are available for victims and anyone calling on their behalf to provide crisis intervention, safety planning, information, and referrals to agencies in all 50 states, Puerto Rico and the U.S. Virgin Islands. Assistance is available in English and Spanish with access to more than 140 languages through interpreter services. </p> <p><b>Dear's Advice:</b> No one deserves to be abused. If you or someone you know is being hurt emotionally or physically, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at <b>1-800-799-SAFE</b> (7233) or TTY <b>1-800-787-3224</b>.</p> http://www.tressugar.com/410420#comment Love and Sex National Domestic Violence Hotline Emotional abuse physical abuse Thu, 19 Jul 2007 11:00:00 -0700 DearSugar http://www.tressugar.com/410420