TresSugar

True Confession - I'm Having an Emotional Affair

DearSugar — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 06:00:00 -0700

Weigh in and tell us if you forgive or not forgive this True Confession.

"I'm having an emotional affair with an old boyfriend. We're not even in the same state, but online dirty talk has done wonders for my self-esteem, and my darling husband is benefiting too. Since we haven't been physical, and I technically haven't 'cheated,' can I continue this relationship?"

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Sunday Confessional: He Took Advantage of Our Time Apart

DearSugar — Sun, 24 Aug 2008 09:00:00 -0700

I was with my boyfriend for about nine months when circumstances forced me to move in with him for a couple of months. At first things were OK, but within a few weeks I noticed a huge change. He didn't come straight home from work to be with me and he always found a reason to spend time with friends. By the time I found a place and began the moving out process, we had hit a full-blown rough patch. I think he was resentful that I was living with him, and I was resentful of the way he took it out on me.

In the end we decided to take a break. Even though it felt like the right decision, I was devastated that it had come to this - we had been such a happy couple. During our break, we talked every once in a while, but we never got intimate. Finally he came back to me, saying that he realized his role in everything and wanted to make things work. Together we decided to rebuild things.

It's been about five months and things have been much better, until last week when a friend confided in me that during the time we were separated, my boyfriend was having sex with his ex-girlfriend. My boyfriend's excuse is that we were "on a break," a la Ross and Rachel from Friends. I see it as emotional cheating; we took time apart to see if we could fix things, not to see if we wanted to meet other people. He claims he really does want to make this work, but now I feel conflicted about who he is. He thinks I'm overreacting, but am I? Should I just forgive him for taking advantage of our break?

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When Does a Crush Become Emotional Cheating?

DearSugar — Wed, 02 Apr 2008 11:00:00 -0700

A few months back, one of my married friends admitted to having an innocent crush on one of her co-workers. Since then, his name has come up more and more and I finally had to ask her what the deal was. Had her innocent crush turned into a secret fling without me knowing? She claims that nothing has happened; they’re just really good friends.

In my opinion, her constant interactions with him and his presence in her life seems to have become the kind of crush that crosses the line - becoming emotional cheating. But when I tried to explain this to her, I realized I couldn't figure out exactly what makes a crush turn from silly to serious. What do you think? When does an innocent crush become more?

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Group Therapy: Bar Guy or My Guy?

Thu, 27 Dec 2007 14:00:00 -0800

I know people say there is such a thing as "emotional cheating," but I wonder if this is more than that.

When I was 18, I started working at a bar close to my home. The owner's son also worked there; he is about three years older than I am and drop-dead gorgeous. He has a wonderful personality and makes me laugh. Everyone always joked that one day, we would end up together. Over the three years I worked at this bar, we had our little flings and drunken stupors. I always had so much fun with him, no matter what we were doing.

Since, I have quit the bar and have a "real job," and he is off at law school. I also have a boyfriend of a year and a half. My boyfriend is a good guy, but I don't have that same spark and connection as I do with . . . let's call him "bar guy." My boyfriend is a strong, sexy man. He is the rugged type, and that turns me on. Bar guy is smart, intellectual, and very handsome. A little less manly than I like, but everything else makes up for it. I know bar guy has feelings for me, and I have also always had feelings for him.

So at the bar's holiday party this year, bar guy was there. I had a wonderful time with him. We laughed, played darts, talked, and just had fun. I was having so much fun, I didn't want the night to end. So this is obviously emotional cheating, right?

Here are the more important questions I have been asking myself: Do I stay with my current boyfriend and just be blah-happy and comfortable? Or break it off with the current BF, pursue bar guy, and hope for the best? Or take a break from the current BF, take some time for myself, and see what is going on in bar guy's mind? What do you think?

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You Asked: My Live-In Boyfriend Flirts Online

DearSugar — Wed, 07 Feb 2007 00:28:02 -0800

DearSugar --

I recently discovered that my live-in boyfriend has been sending emails to several other women. I read the e-mails. The conversations are all very explicit and sexual, and he even tells these women about the two of us. I’ve confronted him, but he doesn’t get why I’m upset. He says he doesn't feel like it’s cheating or wrong since it’s not physical, and he hasn’t agreed to stop this online activity. This feels like cheating to me. Am I over-reacting? --Virtually Betrayed

To see DearSugar's answer read more

Dear V. Betrayed – If your boyfriend is still living with you, I’d go so far as to say you might be under-reacting. He doesn’t get why you’re upset? He says the emails don’t matter because he’s not having sex? But he is having sex in a way, isn’t he? The exchanges are a form of sexual involvement. You know it and I know it. And he knows it. Everyone has their own comfort level with these things, but you’re upset and feel betrayed, which means you know where you stand about this kind of interaction with other women. Don’t move that line, and don’t apologize for it. I don’t like that he’s sharing intimate details about the two of you, either. That’s what a journal and close personal friends are for, not random women online. If you’re living together, you’ve made some choices about exclusivity, respect, and privacy. You get to choose what’s acceptable and important between you and a partner, Miss Betrayed. I’m wagering there’s a guy out there who’ll think more of you and more like you.

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Sex Therapist Says: Go Ahead and Snoop on Him

TresSugar — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 12:00:00 -0700

In an ideal world, says sex therapist and relationship counselor Dr. Ian Kerner, partners in committed relationships wouldn't hide anything from each other nor be suspicious of the other's activities. But Internet infidelity is such a problem these days, he argues, that sometimes you are justified in snooping on your partner's online activity.

You might not find out that your partner's cheating on you in the real world, Dr. Kerner says, but he might be committing emotional infidelity - that is, confiding in someone of the opposite sex, flirting with her, or even sending sexual messages. Research has shown that men don't think about emotional infidelity the same way that women do (most of them think it's not as bad as sexual infidelity), but it is a drain on the relationship nevertheless. If you've ever been with someone who checked out from the relationship and was investing romantic attention elsewhere without technically cheating, you'll know what he's talking about!

So when should you take this taboo leap into treating the person you're supposedly closest to like a crime suspect? I'll tell you after the jump, but you tell me - do you think it's worth taking this step, or are suspicions sign enough that it's time to bail? To see Dr. Kerner's list of signs you might need to start snooping, read more

Does he spend too much time on the computer or other digital devices?
Is he comfortable leaving Facebook pages or emails open when he's not at the computer?
Does he keep in touch with exes or members of the opposite sex on social networking sites like Facebook? Does it make you feel uncomfortable, or do you feel like you should know more and you don't?
Does your partner give you other reasons to not trust him - like flirting with others a lot when you are out together?
Has the frequency with which you have sex decreased?
Does your gut tell you something's wrong?

You Asked: Is My Sex Life Over?

DearSugar — Tue, 16 Oct 2007 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I've been married for two years now. I have a 1-year old and another on the way. Lately my sex life has gone downhill and I believe it's because of me. I am seven months pregnant, which makes my hormones go crazy. I want to have sex often, which I thought would be a great thing for my husband. He used to complain if we didn't have sex everyday and now he doesn't seem to care if we have it at all. I worry that he isn't interested in me anymore and will or has looked elsewhere to get satisfied. I know a lot has changed about me and my body, but I'm not fat, other than my pregnant belly. When we have sex, I can barely feel him anymore. It has to be me; I'm the one that gave birth. Before that we had a great sex life. Is this it? Is my sex life with my husband over? It is the actual intercourse that I'm worried about. Will it ever be good again or is my marriage doomed? Do you think my husband is cheating? He isn't the type to go without sex, especially good sex. What do I do?

-Pregnant, Horny, and Sad Samantha

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more

Dear Pregnant, Horny, and Sad Samantha -

First of all congratulations on your almost new arrival! You must be overworked and exhausted, not to mention feeling so many other different emotions so this whole sex issue with your hubby can't be helping. You've really got to be open with him about this. Ask him what he's feeling and if he's happy with your sex life. Remember that he's a dad now too, and he has a lot more responsibilities than he had before you two had a family so chances are his sex drive has changed a bit. He could be worried about being able to support you guys or maybe he's just tired and not in the mood. There could be a hundreds reasons as to why he's not as horny anymore, so don't just assume that it's because of you.

To answer your question about birth and your sex life, your vaginal muscles do get stretched out, but doing pelvic floor exercises called Kegels will help strengthen and tighten those muscles back up. Basically it's the muscles you'd contract if you were peeing and you wanted to stop. Squeeze these muscles for 10 seconds, then relax. Repeat 10-20 times and you should notice a difference when you have sex.

Being pregnant does crazy things to your hormones besides just making you super horny. They also make you really sensitive and emotional about everything. I'm not saying that you don't have a reason to be upset, but because your feelings are so strong, you can't just hold them in. Be open and honest with your husband about your needs and your fears. Talking together will make you feel so much better. I hope this helps.

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Emotional Affairs: Just as Bad as Regular Affairs

TresSugar — Fri, 22 May 2009 12:00:00 -0700

Just like old-fashioned physical affairs, emotional affairs can leave a partner feeling deceived and betrayed. An emotional affair isn't filled with steamy hotel-sex sessions; instead, the unfaithful find themselves confiding in and flirting with a "friend" of the opposite sex. They look forward to the other person's attention in the form of secretive meetings, phone calls, text messages, or emails, while they withdraw from their partners. While there's no sex, the most hurtful marker of an affair is there: the breach of trust.

One marriage counselor says more of her clients are having emotional affairs these days. She credits the abundance of sexually suggestive material in modern magazines, film, television, and overall society, which makes it hard to know when we cross the line of inappropriate behavior.

Do you think it's obvious when you step into emotional-affair territory, or is it hard to tell when a friendship has stopped being harmless?

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Serial Cheaters: Sex Addicts or Just Jerks?

TresSugar — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 13:10:00 -0700

I'm not a big sports fan, but I sure did hear about the big scandal with ESPN sports analyst Steve Phillips. He cheated on his wife with a young production assistant who became unhinged, messed with his family, and the result, not surprisingly, is that he lost his job, and his wife has filed for divorce.

Now that Phillips's life is in a shambles, he's checked into a rehab clinic for sex addiction. People are divided on whether or not this is a real affliction. Some say it's just a way for serial cheaters to hide their sociopathic behavior under a rubric - addiction - that may garner more sympathy from others.

Some therapists, on the other hand, think it's on par with gambling or drug and alcohol addictions. They say that sex addicts use sex for the same reasons other addicts use their drugs: to numb emotional pain or feelings of emptiness, to feel attractive or powerful, or to engage in high-risk behavior that masks underlying depression.

What do you think about serial cheaters who subsequently claim they're sex addicts? Are they sex addicts, or just jerks?

Cheating: Would Marriage Change Your Reaction?

TresSugar — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 13:00:00 -0700

Last night on Mad Men, both Don and Betty are tempted to cheat. While Don, a seasoned philanderer, has no trouble cheating on Betty with his daughter's former teacher, Betty thinks twice about consummating her flirtation with belly-toucher Henry. It's not because of her marriage, of course, but because sex in an office is "tawdry." Obviously!

Betty knows Don's a cheater, and seems to have reconciled it by cheating herself - both last season with that stranger in the bar and this season in her emotional affair with Henry - and limiting what she knows about her husband's, well, affairs. Would being married to a cheater modify how you reacted, or would you put your foot down no matter what?

(For more Mad Men, check out BuzzSugar's 5 Maddest Mad Men moments from last night's episode.)

Source: AMC