TresSugar

Ask E. Jean: Because of You, I'm Not Getting Lingerie!

E Jean Carroll — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 15:00:00 -0800

To honor Valentine's Day, I wanted to revisit this awesome E. Jean post that will be perfect for those of you who are big lingerie fans!

Dear E. Jean,

I have been wanting my husband to buy me lingerie since we have been together. Never once has that happened. I’ve done everything I can think of and have been frustrated that he hasn’t.

It has been ingrained in him for years that buying lingerie for your partner is wrong and will end in disaster. He has specifically directed me to interviews and statements by you, E. Jean. Below is part of one such interview you did on CNN:
CARROLL: “That's right. Do not give that lady lingerie because if YOU (the guy) like it, I guarantee she (the woman) won't. She gets that box, and says ‘how nice.’ But she's thinking in the back of her mind, ‘I'm going to open it up, it's going to be red net undies.’ And then when she sees it, she knows the guy expects her to put those on and cavort around like Janet Jackson at the halftime show. It is bad. No women likes that.
SOLEDAD O'BRIEN: So, don't give lingerie at all?
CARROLL: No.
O'BRIEN: Even though everyone thinks it's sexy, it's not sexy at all?
CARROLL: Nobody wants it. You pull out the pushup bra, your chest is up to here. It's horrible.

E. Jean! I’d like to say, speak for yourself, you do not speak for me and I know for a fact there are other women who adore knowing their partner will spend the time to shop and pick out something sexy, beautiful, and romantic that they would like to share with their partner in their intimacy. Your all-inclusive comments are inappropriate. How dare you suggest you would know what “all” women want? You make it harder for all the many that don’t fall into your bubble of an idea
- I Want Lingerie!

To see E. Jean's answer read more

My Darling,
I was wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong!
Not to mention dense, narrow-minded, pea-brained, and dumb. For although I think that men have to be out of their minds to even attempt to buy me that tasty, little crotch-free trick teddy with matching fingertip gloves, black-velvet wrist bows, and blindfold - and although the last thing I want to see in a box is pair of eerie fishnet underpants with their lewd little puckered-leg holes staring up at me - and although I have nothing but the most hideous memories of being presented with a fancy undergarment that when I put it on, cut off my circulation and made me look like I had bound myself with piano wires - you, madam, know what you want. And by god! We’re going to get it for you!

Show your husband this post IMMEDIATELY. I have something to say to him:
Hello there, sir! E. Jean, the-Heinous-Know-It-All here. Go buy your girl some lingerie! Better yet, go together. She’s a lovely, smart woman, and deserves the best! Happy Valentine’s Night to you both!

To see more advice from E. Jean visit Elle magazine and AskEJean.com.

Ask E. Jean For DearSugar: I Adore My Friend, But So Does Everyone Else!

DearSugar — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 11:00:17 -0800

Dear E. Jean,

I have a friend who's so beautiful that every man who crosses our path wants her. This is not paranoia. It's reality. Even movie stars gawk at her on the street - ugh! More cases in point? My ex casually asked me if she was dating anyone, my current ex joked about a three-way, and a man who's been pursuing me for a year has suddenly shifted his interest to her after he met her at a dinner party.

She's funny, charming, and doesn't dress slutty (we're both casual and conservative). I don't have animosity toward her - I adore her - and I'm sure I'm supposed to learn something from this, but what? I'm not unattractive, but now that I'm newly single, I know that every guy who's interested in me won't be once he meets her. I feel like a walking consolation prize. Why is she so irresistible? And what can I do about it? - The Leftover

To see what E. Jean has to say, read more.

Left, My Lovely: Oh please. If the lady's such a vexation, don't be seen in public with her. As it is, I've probably received two or three letters from your friends complaining that you are the irresistible one.

This is the hard truth about makeovers, Miss Leftover. We're all the pretty one/ugly one depending on 1.) who we’re with and 2.) how chock-full of good old-fashioned confidence we are. You love her, however, so if she's as ravishing on the inside as she is on the outside, well then . . . since she has the power to keep men on the boil, don’t fight it, use it, Miss Left! Let her bring 'em on! When the lads stampede, simply sweep up the shy ones floundering in her wake. And once you've met someone, for godssakes, don't be stupid. Keep the dude away from her.

To see more advice from E. Jean, visit Elle Magazine and AskEJean.com.

Ask E. Jean For DearSugar: Should I Take the Job For the Money?

E Jean Carroll — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 10:30:00 -0800

Dear E. Jean,

I've received an unusual job offer: boxing ring girl. What do you think? The pay is $1,000 a match, and I could really use it. But I can’t decide if walking around a ring is something I'd look at in a different light if I didn’t need the money. I'd be in a bikini or cutoff t-shirts and what they call "booty shorts." I'm very comfortable with my body, but I don't know how I'd feel with 5,000 men there. - Knock Out

To see E. Jean's answer, read more.

Knock-Knock Sweetheart,

Did you say . . . riiiiiing girl!? Auntie Eeee is celebrated for her gentility, but if she could grease up like a stick of butter and bump and grind around a ring holding up a card while wearing nothing but her underpants, it might do wonders for her spiritual life.

But $1,000 sounds a bit off. I called the fabled fight promoter Cedric Kushner, CEO of Gotham Boxing Inc. Mr. Kushner said that for local "cup shows," young ladies receive $100-$125 per night and "for the big title bouts at Caesars Palace and Madison Square Garden, the rate is $150-$200." So somebody, my dear, is pulling your booty shorts.

To see more advice from E. Jean, visit Elle Magazine and AskEJean.com.

Ask E. Jean For DearSugar: Am I an Online Dating Dud?

E Jean Carroll — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 06:00:00 -0800

E. Jean is still enjoying her time off, but don't fret, she'll be back December 4th! In the meantime, here's an oldie but goodie. Enjoy!

Dear E. Jean,

I know I’m old-fashioned, but I’ve never tried any of the dating sites. It is now time. Past time! (I’m 30 years old and haven’t had a date in seven months. Awk.)

Ok. So. I put my profile on Match.com. I worked hard trying to sound smart and funny and cool. Believe it or not, I was frightened I was going to get inundated with guys I didn’t want to talk to . . . and guess what? No guys - not one guy - wrote to me. Nothing! I’m just sitting there. What am I doing wrong? I feel like I should take my profile down! This is not for me! My friends get tons of notice and meet lots of guys, and one of my friends even married a guy she met on The Onion personals. I don’t get it. Help! - Dead on Match

To see E. Jean's answer, read more.

Dead, My Daffodil: Come, come, my darling! Buck up! With just one magic tweak to your profile (and I wish you had given us a link), you will be meeting three chaps for coffee by next weekend - guaranteed.

First, forget your profile. Second, don’t worry about coming off as “smart and funny and cool.” Third: It does not matter what you say; it’s all about your picture. If your picture is charming (intriguing, bewitching), guys will want to meet you.

So hire hair and makeup, bring in a stylist, and pay a professional photographer to take your picture. (Or, ask your chic friends for help.) I’m serious. Why do you think the women in Elle, Glamour, Vogue, and W look so enticing? They spend hours getting ready and then hundreds (and hundreds and hundreds) of shots are fired. Gilles Bensimon, who shoots the Elle covers, will shoot an entire afternoon chasing the “perfect” image. You should do no less.

Then, for Gawd’ssakes, don’t write a profile; tell a story. Keep it short, thrilling, warm, and a tad elusive. And why are you waiting for guys to write to you? If you see a lad you like, drop him an email. Mention something delicious that caught your attention about his picture (or his favorite movies, books, etc.) and voila! A raucous courtship can begin with a sedate exchange about butterfly hunting. Good Luck, Miss Dead! Let us all know how it’s going!

To see more advice from E. Jean visit Elle magazine and AskEJean.com.

Ask E. Jean for DearSugar: Should I Let My Sister Move in With a Republican?

E Jean Carroll — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 15:30:00 -0800

E. Jean is still enjoying her vacation, but not to worry, she'll be back in two weeks! In the meantime, I hope you enjoy this oldie but goodie!
Dear E. Jean,
This is about an awful man, thankfully not mine. My beloved sister is stylish, cute, well-educated, and recently managed to lose 60 pounds. Naturally once she got a rockin’ bod, she became a dude magnet. And he’s horrible! Eeee Jean! We are a family of food lovers, and his favorite restaurant is Chili's! He has an elite education, but he’s grossly overweight, knows a lot of lame trivia, and is a very conservative Republican with hideous taste. Her friends don’t like him, her family does not like him, but she is moving to a red state with him. No not red - crimson. Ew. No one has the guts to tell her he sucks, but nobody wants her trapped in a marriage with Mr. Ickington. What should I/my family do? - Nosy But Lovin Lil’ Sis

To see E. Jean's answer read more

Nosy, My Dear Niwit,

Oh, please. I don’t care if it is Dick Cheney she’s hot for. Let her be. Every woman, at least once in her life, should savor the delights of a Republican man. Anyway you can’t control her. Falling in love is like voting. Once your sister goes inside the booth and closes that curtain, she’s on her own.

P.S. And actually I’ve relished some excellent guacamole at Chili’s.

To see more advice from E. Jean visit Elle magazine and AskEJean.com.

Ask E. Jean For DearSugar: Should I Have an Affair?

E Jean Carroll — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 10:00:00 -0700

Dear E. Jean,

I’m married to a man who works 14 hours a day. When he finally gets home he doesn’t talk to me, doesn’t ask how our 7-year-old son is, he only grunts, gets a bottle of water out of the fridge, sits down in front of his computer and does more work. He hasn’t thrown a baseball with our son once! When he’s home he’s either in front of his computer in his den or watching golf on TV. He’s so closed off and self-involved that when I suggest we actually play nine holes of golf together, he says his back hurts. He pays more attention to our Labrador than to me and his son.

We don’t eat dinner together (he usually eats with “important” clients), we don’t sleep together (he sleeps in the den), we haven’t gone to a movie or a restaurant in a year, and have not had sex in three years.

On the other hand, he’s a great provider and my life is rather pleasant. I have closets full of clothes, a new car, a personal trainer, and my son is going to the best country day school in the county. But my husband does not talk to me. Every day I try to be cheerful, upbeat, try to suggest fun “dates,” interest him in the neighborhood gossip, but nothing. I cook great meals, invite people over - he leaves our guests and goes and sits at his computer!

I knew my husband was a loner when I married him, I also knew our sex life was not the hottest thing going - but what do I do with no sex and no social life? Recently I met a very nice man at the dog groomer’s and we’ve been meeting for coffee. I love our deep conversation - I’m starting to feel human again! He makes me feel appreciated and like I have something to contribute to the world. I’m writing because a couple of days ago he kissed me and my world exploded. I’ve never wanted anything or anybody like I want this man. But I also don’t want to divorce my husband. What do I do? Nobody’s even listened to me in years, let alone kissed me! - Feeling Like New

To see E. Jean's answer read more

Feeling, My Poor Flamtag,

Nine out of 10 people on DearSugar will disagree with me, but here’s my advice: Have an affair. It will give joy to your life, pleasure to your body, and spirit to your mind. You must, of course, inform your husband first, by walking into his den, turning off his computer and saying: “Darling, I’ve noticed we’ve not slept together since 2005. I’d like a good boffing. Are you up for it?”

When he replies that his “back hurts,” or gibbers some other excuse, smile and say: “I’m sorry to hear that, sweetheart. I hope you feel better. But I can’t be expected to go the rest of my life without one of the greatest pleasures known to womankind.”

When he grunts and asks what that is, reply: “Well, darling, I’m going to put on my prettiest dress, run away to meet the handsomest man, and when I arrive, I’m going to grab him and suck . . . down every word that comes out of his mouth. I’m going to hold . . . a conversation. We’ll exchange ideas, learn more about the world, and perhaps even laugh. Afterwards, of course, I’ll probably hump the daylights out of him.” And with that, leave the room, call your friend, and make a date.

This is not a threat. This is your life. You must create it!

Many DearSugars will advise you to end your marriage and then have the affair - and, indeed, this is an excellent suggestion. You will get more money in a divorce if you stay inside your prison. But I’m going to pay you the compliment of actually believing you possess the mental strength and moral vigor to rebel against a conventional code, stay married, tell your husband you’re going to have an affair, and then make your own happiness by taking what you want. Because if you are not free to love whom you love - what is your worth as a human being?

To see more advice from E. Jean, visit Elle Magazine and AskEJean.com.

Ask E. Jean For DearSugar: Can a Relationship Without Sex Work?

DearSugar — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 10:00:00 -0700

Dear E. Jean,

I'm trying to sort out my dilemma, which concerns the man I've been dating for two months - he's 34, me 30. We have an incredible amount of things in common, laugh a lot together, both have our ducks in a row career-wise and financially. We love surfing together, making dinner, biking, we've traveled together twice without a hitch, gee what a match!

Well after about a month of wonderful, he freaks out and doesn't call me one night we have plans. I call him the next day, and he tells me he had a freak-out because we’ve been having sex, which doesn't align with his Christian values. Now he knows it's wrong. So end result, he wants to date, but no more sex.

He's been engaged twice before, both ended by the ladies. He thinks he may have rushed into the engagements because he's Christian and believes in waiting until marriage for sex.

Another month goes by. He says I've been “amazing and sweet”. He says I’m fun and he likes that I don't play games. He says I "have all the qualities he would want in a girlfriend," but he's not there yet. My stunned response was "it's only been two months . . . we're still just getting to know each other, so dating is fine."

My questions: Am I being let down easy; should I get out now? I wonder why he wants to continue seeing me. I feel like on paper I'm his ideal, attractive, outdoorsy, fun, laid-back, low-maintenance woman but perhaps something is missing for him and he wants to make sure? Or is he just looking to not be alone? Would I regret it more if I ended it now (the constant flip-flopping is killing me), or gave it a chance only to have another whammy delivered later? Or am I overthinking it entirely and should just live my life and let the chips fall where they may?

Speaking of which, we have not had sex since “the talk,” and have barely fooled around, in fact he rarely touches me now - a big problem. He acknowledges that he's not very affectionate.

Help! I can't sleep, because I alternate between crying because I feel so rejected, and angry that he's so all over the map. That's my story. I feel like there’s potential with him, but is it worth it? Oh, I should comment that I am not Christian, but very supportive of his values, and thought it was so refreshing to date someone that believes in faithfulness and honesty and the sanctity of marriage. - Nauseated in San Diego

To see E. Jean's answer read more.

Miss Nauseated, My Luv, I have one word for you: RRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnn!

This poor lad sounds like a decent guy, but he’s no more “rushing” into marriage than Heidi Montag is rushing to gain weight on her thighs. If he liked sex, he’d have walked down the aisle years and years ago. (Many deeply religious people marry young, make superbly stable marriages, and enjoy just ridiculously hot rumpty dumpty about three times a day.)

So, to answer your questions:
Yes. You are “being let down.”
Yes. You should “get out now.”
Yes. “Something” is “missing for him.”
Yes. You are “overthinking it.”
Yes. He has “more issues than National Geographic.”
And to answer the one question you didn’t ask:
Yes. He is gay.

To see more advice from E. Jean, visit Elle Magazine and AskEJean.com.

Ask E. Jean For DearSugar: Did I Upset Him That Much?

E Jean Carroll — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 10:00:00 -0700

Dear E. Jean,
Last weekend I had a new guy over for dinner. I spent two days cleaning, one day cooking, and everything went fantastically until we started watching a movie after dessert and fooling around on the couch. I admit I had three cognacs, but as he was kissing me, I began laughing at the movie and at one point I started repeating some of the dialogue.

E. Jean, I couldn’t help myself. It was Dr. Strangelove. The guy is a movie buff and a big Kubrick fan! Anyway, once I started laughing, I couldn’t stop. I apologized about 50 times, but he got up abruptly, said "Thank you for dinner," made a dash for the front door . . . and left!

I got a text from him the next day that said "You’re the only woman I know who can cook like Martha Stewart and talk like Slim Pickens."

Obviously I hurt his ego. But must I remain totally silent when a guy starts making his moves on me? - Love Is Very Strange

To see E. Jean's answer, read more.

Miss Strange, My Pet,
No, indeed. I’m tired of men telling women what they may and may not do when snogging. It is perfectly proper for a young lady to sigh, snort softly, moan, whimper, mewl, twitter, howl in a low voice, hiss, growl, squeal, whine, purr, and scream faintly. However, it is considered bad form to laugh more than 20 minutes or, when hooking up with a new boyfriend, to say aloud any of the following:

"How much do you love me?"
"Nevermind the sores. They don’t really itch that much."
"Do you want to move in, or just get married immediately?"
"Oh, don’t worry, I can IM my girlfriends and have sex with you at the same time."
"I just love playing with your man boobs!"

Saying anything else is permitted - particularly juicy impersonations of Mr. Slim Pickens. Because, of course, you’re supposed to laugh at Dr. Strangelove. ("Gentlemen! No fighting in the war room!") It’s one of the funniest movies in the history of cinema. As for the guy? The poor chap is so thin-skinned it's amazing he could keep his liver from falling out of his body and dropping onto the floor.

To see more advice from E. Jean, visit Elle magazine and AskEJean.com.

Ask E. Jean For DearSugar: Should I Tell My Best Friend That I Saw Her Fiancé Kissing Another Woman?

DearSugar — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 10:00:00 -0700

Dear E. Jean,

My hands are literally shaking as I type this. Tonight I saw my best friend’s fiancé kissing a woman in an Atlanta restaurant.

There’s no mistake. I’ve known this guy for five years, and they were all over each other - at one point he actually had his hand up her skirt and his tongue down her throat. No way was this an innocent “business” dinner. The weird part is neither he nor I live in Atlanta. My best friend, her fiancé and I all live in New York City. I happened to be in Atlanta for business. The fiancé owns a tech company and travels a lot. By some bizarre fluke we both ended up in the same restaurant.

He was so busy sucking this woman’s face, he didn’t see me. He’s never been a supportive, understanding guy, but he makes a lot of money, and my friend absolutely worships the ground he walks on.

What do I do? My friend is marrying this guy in October - in less than six weeks! The wedding, the reception, the dress, the food, the honeymoon, everything is finalized. Worse, they’ve just signed the contract on a very expensive loft in TriBeCa. They want to get pregnant by New Year’s. They've chosen their first child’s name. My best friend is walking around on air she’s so in love. I will never be able to look her in the face again. But I can’t tell her. It will kill her. Her parents will freak out. It’s a mess! Why can’t guys behave themselves?! - Sick to my Stomach

To see E. Jean's answer read more.

Miss Sick, Sweetheart,

Tell her. It will be rough; but If Mr. Pantyhands is dining on a Georgia peach six weeks before his wedding, I hate to think what tasty morsels he’ll be sucking when he hits the third year of marriage. TELL HER. Respect your friend as a thinking, human being. Pay credit to her as a rational woman. He’s playing her for a fool; don’t you treat her like an idiot.

I realize that many supremely level heads here on Dear Sugar will be outraged at this advice. They will say you should mind your own business, and not meddle in your friend’s prewedding stresses; but I say, call her now!

As a friend it is the most compassionate action you can take. After all, if the situation were reversed, if she saw your lover shoving his tongue so far down a young lady’s throat it reached her knees - wouldn’t you want to be told?

Tell her the facts so she can make an intelligent decision about her future. In my opinion, it is immoral to conceal the truth. It is your duty as a woman and as a friend to speak up!

P.S. Indeed, I believe every female over the age of 14 should be given a cell phone programmed with a secret number, which she can call and instantaneously report any lying, cheating, two-faced ratwank. I am getting sick and tired of these jerkweeds!

To see more advice from E. Jean, visit Elle magazine and AskEJean.com.

Ask E. Jean For DearSugar: The Olympics Have Me Down, How Do I Get Motivated?

E Jean Carroll — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 10:00:00 -0700

Dear E. Jean,

I’ve been watching the Olympics. How do I get as motivated as these athletes? Watching all this extraordinary achievement makes me feel like such a loser. And the worst part is I can’t stop watching them.

I’ve been glued to the TV since they started, and I mean glued! Tonight while I watched the gymnastics I ate three bowls of cereal and a plate of lasagna! God! Am I the only person who's stopped exercising completely and is doing nothing but getting fat watching Shawn Johnson and Michael Phelps? I want to be successful, too!

I keep watching and hoping I’ll find out what their secret is, but nobody can put it into words. Should I just hire a life coach? - Coach Potato Girl

To see E. Jean's answer, read more.

Miss Couch, My Kumquat,

Oh, but the Olympic stars are revealing the secrets of their success. (And I’m not talking about Michael Phelps disclosing that he eats 12,000 calories a day or Nastia Liukin saying she likes to keep her “legs together on the dismount.”) Anybody watching the games has picked up a few Tips of Triumph:

Don’t focus on what’s wrong, concentrate on what’s right.
When an opponent falters, seize the opportunity.
Half the battle is knowing exactly what you want to do.
Play to your strengths. Know what you’re good at. And concentrate on it to the exclusion of everything else.
When you can’t go on, go on.
And the single idea which seems to be shared by nearly every athlete: “I suffered all those horrid practices, pains, tears, sweat, blood, and set backs . . . and now that I’ve made it to Beijing, thank God I didn’t give up!”

As for hiring a life coach, well now. I’ve seen a couple of specimens on Oprah who were so brilliant that I gained a brain size just looking at them, but, alas, in the real world, 99 out of 100 life coaches are total douchers.

The motivation required to find a good coach (i.e. a coach who did not receive his “certification” from an online moron factory) and the patience needed to listen to his bull hockey if/when you do locate one, will waste any energy you have left.

Best to form a “Just Do It” group with your friends and enjoy a hilarious time energizing one another, or read Self-Reliance by the great Ralph Waldo Emerson. Old Ralphy will jam you so full of success strategies, you’ll run the 100 meters of life in 10 seconds flat.

To see more advice from E. Jean, visit Elle magazine and AskEJean.com.