TresSugar

Handle This: His Parents Won't Stop Mentioning His Ex

DearSugar — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 12:00:00 -0700

When you first met your boyfriend’s parents and they mentioned his ex, you chalked it up to a random occurrence. But now, six months later, both his mom and dad still ask your boyfriend for updates on her. Worse still, they always seem to be coming up with a new story or memory about her to share with you.

Your boyfriend claims he doesn’t notice it, but at this point your insecurities are quickly turning to anger. You get that they liked her, but you wish they’d show some tact. If you were in these shoes, how would you handle this?

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Where's the Worst Place You've Ever Had Sex?

DearSugar — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 13:00:00 -0700

When it comes to sex, I prefer getting busy in a bed. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for experimenting with sex in new places, but logistically speaking, it just doesn't work as well. Bathroom floors are too hard and cold, the shower is far better in theory, and crawling bugs and scratchy grass while frolicking in a field, quite frankly, are a huge turnoff.

Ladies, I'm wondering, of all the times you've ever gotten intimate, where's the worst place you've done the deed?

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You Asked: My Coworker Expects Me to Lie on Her Behalf

DearSugar — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I am a receptionist at a successful company and the woman in the position above mine is bending our office rules and I don't know how to handle it. She's not my direct supervisor, but she's the one that gives me my breaks. Lately, she's been coming in late, and since I am the only one up front, I'm also the only one that sees her sneak in - she always asks me not to say anything. Recently my boss asked me directly if she was coming in late and, of course, I didn't lie.

Today she needed to leave early yet again and asked me to lie to our supervisor as to why - she said it was because of her son, but in reality she was having boyfriend problems. I don't want to get in trouble on her behalf and I feel like it's inevitable that our bosses are going to figure her out. It's a really close office with only six employees, and I don't want to get a reputation as a tattler, but I don't want to lose my job by helping her lie! What should I do?

- No More Lies Lydia

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear No More Lies Lydia,

I'm sorry to hear that your coworker is putting you in such a compromising position by asking you to lie on your behalf - obviously this is not a healthy or comfortable scenario to deal with day in and day out. Since it is such a small office, you're right to guess that your boss will find out about your coworkers sneaky behavior eventually, and it's important that your own values aren't questioned when she finally does.

When dealing with uncomfortable job-related problems, you must maintain your professionalism no matter how trying the situation may be. However, it's equally important to deal with matters before they get out of hand. Though certainly it is your boss's responsibility to make sure her employees are following company policy, I always find it better to approach the person in question directly, before escalating the issue all the way to the top.

Next time your coworker asks you to lie, let her know simply and directly that you will no longer be able to lie on her behalf. If she responds by continuing to abuse her power over you, make a log of it, and take it to your boss. When you talk to your boss, keep your emotions out of the conversation and instead focus on how her behavior wreaks havoc on your productivity and work day. Once your boss speaks with her, it's likely her behavior will improve, but don't expect her attitude towards you to change. Try to keep your chin up - you can't control her, only your reaction to her.

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Dear Poll: Are You Comfortable Being Naked?

DearSugar — Tue, 09 Oct 2007 13:00:00 -0700

I treated myself to a much-needed massage this weekend. Relaxing in the steam room and taking my time in the locker room was exactly how I wanted to spend my Sunday afternoon. While I was getting dressed, I noticed that some of the women I was sharing the bathroom with weren't all that comfortable being naked in front of the other women.

While I happen to not be very modest, I understand that some women are not as keen on the idea of walking around naked in front of strangers, so ladies tell me, do you feel comfortable being naked in a locker room or spa bathroom?

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The How-To Lounge: Dressing for your Pool Party

DearSugar — Fri, 13 Jul 2007 10:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar--

My husband and I are hosting our first pool party/BBQ and I don't know what to wear. I want to be comfortable, glamorous, and classy. Any suggestions?

To see my advice in this special edition of The How-to Lounge, click here to read more

As the host of the party, you will no doubt be running around, making sure your guests are happy, so comfort should be your most important requirement
Being comfortable doesn't mean you have to sacrifice style! Start out with a secure bathing suit. You will most likely be serving your guests, or at least moving around and socializing, so be sure your bikini or one piece fits properly -- no Tara Reid moments at your own party please!
Summer pool parties make me think of color. If you want to stay a little more covered up in front of your guests, throw on a bright sarong or a colorful printed free flowing sun dress. If you are worried about getting burned, use an Indian inspired caftan as a cover-up
If you are serving drinks and food in glass (I recommend plastic or paper wear), don't go barefoot. Havaianas make comfortable, bright flip flops in a large array of colors, or other shoes are a cute platform or espadrille sandal -- whatever is more comfortable for you
Since you no doubt want to be the hostess with the mostess, I don't blame you for wanting to be glamorous! BBQ's and pool parties are generally a casual affair, but adding some sparkle to your outfit won't hurt anyone, will it?! Wear a pair of gold hoop earrings, or a long, layering necklace, even some gold or colorful bangles to dress up your swimsuit or cover up
Hats are a great way to look classy while hanging out poolside. Choose a straw hat with a big floppy brim in order to protect you against a sunburn while still looking chic and stylish

I look as summer as an excuse to break out all my feminine dresses and skirts, but if you prefer shorts or flowy pants, those will work for any pool party or BBQ just the same. For some fashion tips from my friend FabSugar, check out her Fab Finding Follow Up: Pool Par-tay, and for your complete pool party planning guide, check out what YumSugar has up her sleeve. Have fun!

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Doctors Tell Women to Ditch Annual Pap Test

TresSugar — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 11:00:42 -0800

There may be no need to feel guilty about putting off your annual trip to the gynecologist anymore! New guidelines from the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists assert that healthy women should not get cervical cancer screening pap tests every year. Instead they encourage women to get the screening every two to three years. The medical group also recommends against getting a pap test until after the age of 21, even if an adolescent is sexually active.

The new recommendations against annual cervical cancer screenings are not intended to save you embarrassment or discomfort - they're meant to prevent unnecessary and possibly harmful treatments. For example, treatment of precancerous HPV symptoms that would otherwise go away on their own puts women at a higher risk of giving birth to a premature or underweight baby. Still, cervical cancer rates have dropped 50 percent since the 1970s mostly thanks to the pap test, so I hope the doctors aren't trying to fix something that isn't broken. But the authors of the guidelines explain that the same results can be accomplished with less-regular screenings.

I'll admit the idea that less screening can be better for your sexual health seems counterintuitive. Will you stick to your annual pap test or do you welcome a chance to get one less frequently?

Hump Day: Sex Makes Her Uncomfortable

TresSugar — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 07:30:23 -0800

Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's sex advice column. If you have questions about sex, send them to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!

Today's Question:
I'm 24 and in my first relationship. I really like the guy, we've been going out for six months, but I get nervous whenever he slips his hand under my underwear. He gets the hint and stops. I don't mind him doing other things (we haven't slept together yet), but I wish I wasn't such a prude. I don't know what he expects and I worry that he will be grossed out, as I only shave/wax the bikini line but not the whole thing. What if he thinks it is ugly? I also don't know what I should expect; he knows I'm a virgin, but I don't know how to speak to him about why I get uncomfortable, and I don't know how to overcome it! I also have a few stretch marks and worry that he will be grossed out by them. Please help?

To read Dr. Glickman's response, read more.

Thank you for sharing this challenging situation. I know that it can be scary to talk about things like this, but these are all really common thoughts.

One of the things that can help when you’re on the edge of your comfort zone is to take it very slowly. It’ll probably help to tell your guy about your discomfort, even if you can’t tell him why it’s there. You could simply say "I have a lot of discomfort around sex." You also might want to do a little solo exploration. It takes the pressure off because there aren’t any partner expectations. Check out the wonderful book Becoming Orgasmic. If you’re looking for tips or ideas for techniques, Tickle Your Fancy is full of suggestions. Once you know a bit more about what you like or dislike, you and your boyfriend might be able to find something that you both like to do.

It’s worth mentioning that vulvas come in all different shapes. (The vulva is the external female anatomy. The vagina is the inside part.) There’s a long history of negative attitudes towards the vulva, but each one is unique and beautiful in its own way. A lot of women have the idea that there’s something wrong with their vulvas because they don’t look like what we see in porn or because they have hair, and I think that’s unfortunate. I strongly recommend getting to know your parts and Scarleteen has a great site about that. It’s geared towards teens, but there's lots of amazing info about sex, bodies, and pleasure.

Another option would be to explore some of these concerns with a therapist. When you have an itch on your back, you need someone else to scratch it. Therapists help us by reaching the spots we can’t reach on our own. Lastly, depending on where you are, you could join a body-image support group. While they tend not to focus on sexuality, they can be an incredibly helpful way to work through our concerns about our bodies and how we (or other people) feel about them.

Working through these challenges isn’t always easy, but it can be very rewarding. Whatever route you choose, I hope you find the pleasure and joy that you deserve.

Ask Two Guys About Guys: Why the Incessant Package-Adjusting?

TresSugar — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 11:00:32 -0800

Colin Nissan and Sean Farrell of Don't Be That Guy fame have graciously agreed to answer some burning questions we women folk have about men. You guys were not loving their answer to a woman's question "Why isn't he calling me?" but this week they head into less controversial territory. Check it out!

This week's question: "Why do men need to adjust their packages so much?"

To hear what the Two Guys have to say, read more.

What’s simply written off as a lewd display of machismo is often a great deal more complex.

Climate plays a critical role in male package adjustment. In the humidity of summer months many guys experience what the medical community refers to as Swamp Balls or Jungle Johnson. Shifting things around is often our only hope for relieving this dreaded, Amazonian discomfort. Scientifically speaking, when the crotch heats up, the ball sac loosens, thinning the skin and causing temperatures to rise. Our balls begin to slide haphazardly against one another, not unlike two Jell-O-lubed wrestlers jockeying for position in the ring. It’s our job to step in and separate the two to give them time to cool off.

Underwear physics are also worth discussing. In the world of briefs, sometimes we simply need to push the curious old turtle back into its shell, if you know what we mean (the turtle is our penis.) With boxers, it’s very common for the fabric to ride up into the crevices of our inner thighs and to drag an excruciating pube or two with it. Rolling the fabric down must be done very carefully to minimize the pain, which explains why our hands are actually inside our pants a lot.

Hopefully the next time you see a guy fiddling publicly with his privates, you’ll be able to temper your disgust with a little empathy. It’s no picnic going through life with a penis, balls and a code of decency all at the same time.

There's a Government Agency for Everything These Days

GiggleSugar — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 01:00:00 -0700

Don't act like you don't know what they're talking about.

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Are You a Fan of the Surreal? It May Make You Smarter

TresSugar — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 15:00:00 -0700

Franz Kafka, David Lynch, and Rene Magritte were my Kevin, Joe and Nick Jonas as a teenager. (Yeah, I was a weirdo.) So imagine my delight when I read a study that claims that surrealism may be good for the brain.

Research psychologists at UC Santa Barbara and the University of British Columbia concluded that exposure to surrealist art, film or literature, because it puts you in worlds whose elements don't make sense, drives you to look for structure and sense elsewhere, hence raising "the cognitive mechanisms that oversee implicit learning functions." Want to hear the details of this study? Then read more.

To reach this finding, they had two groups of people read Kafka. One group was given Kafka's story "The Country Doctor," which in typical Kafkaesque fashion, goes from normal to weird in no time at all. The other group was given a rewritten version so that nothing was odd about the plot or narrative. After they finished their respective Kafkas, they were asked to find patterns hidden in strings of letters. Those who read the original Kafka stories were both more motivated to find patterns and more accurate in their findings than those who read the normalized Kafka.

It's their second experiment that is almost more interesting to me - they divided groups between those who felt alienated by things they'd done in the past and those who didn't. "You get the same pattern of effects whether you're reading Kafka or experiencing a breakdown in your sense of identity," said Travis Proulx, a postdoctoral researcher at UCSB and co-author of the article. "People feel uncomfortable when their expected associations are violated, and that creates an unconscious desire to make sense of their surroundings. That feeling of discomfort may come from a surreal story, or from contemplating their own contradictory behaviors, but either way, people want to get rid of it. So they're motivated to learn new patterns."

So, basically, feeling alienated and consuming alienating art and literature drives you to make sense of things, giving your brain a workout. That would finally explain my motivation to find meaning in the world after watching The Hills, a surrealist masterpiece if I ever saw one!

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