TresSugar

You Asked: Should I Tell the Truth About My Ex?

DearSugar — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 12:30:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

A couple months ago I got a friend request from someone on Facebook. I ignored it because I didn't know who it was, but she kept messaging me, pretending to know me. My curiosity got the best of me so I responded, asking who she was. She said that we had never met, but that she is currently dating one of my exes and she wanted to get some information on him.

My ex and I are no longer in contact - things ended very badly after he repeatedly cheated on me. Part of me wants to warn this girl, but the other part of me doesn't want to even talk about him anymore. What should I do? - Wavering Whitney

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Wavering Whitney,

It sounds like you still carry some hurt feelings about the breakup, so while divulging information about him is completely up to you, I advise you to weigh the pros and cons before getting involved in his life again. The notion of warning this girl might seem heuristic, but I'm a big advocate of allowing people to make their own judgments; I'm sure you'd want the same autonomy. Yes, he was a jerk to you, but that isn't to say that he'll be a jerk to the next girl; then again, he might - it's a total crapshoot.

At the end of the day, the decision is yours and I wish you luck in whatever choice you make.

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This or That: Bailing For Better Scenery or a Boy?

DearSugar — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 08:00:00 -0700

You and your closest friend have finally been fortunate enough to live in the same city for the past year, for the first time since high school. She moves around a lot and is always searching for the next best place. It’s been amazing having her around and your life feels full in a way you just can’t get from a boyfriend. But when she says she needs to meet you to talk, you’re instantly worried. Would it be worse if . . .

This: She’s decided to move again, but this time overseas? She doesn’t have a real game plan or know when she’ll be back. You hope it's successful, but it seems like she's just trying to escape.

Or . . .

That: It turns out she’s getting back together with her ex-boyfriend, the one she's taken years to get over? You want her to be happy, but not at the expense of her mental well-being.

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Dear Poll: Can You Have Sex Too Soon in a Relationship?

DearSugar — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 11:00:00 -0700

Whether you’re having it or you’re not, sex is always a personal choice. For some people, the physical act alone is enough to create a pleasurable experience and thus waiting for an emotional connection is unnecessary. But for many, being close to the person you’re engaging in sex with is an absolute requirement, which necessitates more time getting to know each other. Knowing that, I could never distinctly say that there is a “too soon” when it comes to sex in a relationship, but everyone has their own opinion on this matter. What do you think?

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You Asked: Should I Choose My Boyfriend?

DearSugar — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I've been with my boyfriend for three and half years, and he's cheated on me more than once in that time. Obviously we have a lot of trust issues, and in this past year our relationship has become even crazier. I've finally decided I need a change. I found someone else who just makes me feel happy; I just wish my boyfriend would do this. The other man I've met is married and has asked me to be serious with him - he wants to leave his wife to be with me. But I don't know what to do. Should I stay with my current boyfriend who treats me like I'm not important, or do I dump him to pursue the other guy who happens to be married? Help me!

- Cheaters Never Prosper Chelsea

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Cheaters Never Prosper Chelsea,

You're acting as if there are only two options - stay with your cheating, unloving boyfriend or go for a married man who's willing to leave his family for a woman who's unsure - but that's just not the case. You have the choice to walk away from both men. And in my view, that's by far the best option. It's clear to me that you have some issues that need to be worked through regarding why you're attracted to men who are not available to you, and why you're willing to compromise another woman's relationship even after you've admitted to the invalidation of trust cheating has caused in your own life.

You need some time by yourself to reflect and realize that being alone is far better than letting your life be dictated by unhealthy relationships. There is a wonderful man out there who is neither a cheater nor married, and as you learn to care for yourself emotionally, you'll see that waiting for him is the better option. In the meantime, consider getting a therapist who might be able to provide you with a new perspective on things. It may be difficult, but certainly the rewards will outweigh any short-term upset.

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Where Do You Stand: Holding Off on Sex Until You’re Committed

DearSugar — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 13:00:00 -0700

Sex and the decision to have or abstain from it is a very personal decision. I can understand arguments from each side but ultimately, it’s a matter of what feels right for you. Though contemporary women are lucky enough to have more sexual freedom, it’s not uncommon for women to wait to have sex with someone they're interested in until they’ve entered into a relationship with that person.

I’ve heard it said that “giving it up” too early can make a woman less appealing, but I don't necessarily agree - sometimes it does the exact opposite! So do you think waiting for a date to turn into a boyfriend before having sex can actually benefit a relationship? Where do you stand when it comes to holding off on sex?

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The How-To Lounge: Making a Difficult Decision

DearSugar — Tue, 27 May 2008 13:00:00 -0700

I consider decision making a skill that you have to hone, much like public speaking. No matter how smart, self-assured, or strong willed you may be, when it comes to confidently making a big decision, it requires an entirely different set of tactics. But fortunately, being more decisive is something that can be improved with just a little dedication and a lot of practice. If you find yourself more indecisive than not, just read more.

While some decisions can feel overwhelmingly momentous, unless you’re a surgeon or the president, it’s not a life or death matter so don’t approach it like that. Of course a major decision should be made seriously, but it’s OK to detach yourself from it a bit - it may help you to act more rationally.
As you’re working on changing the way you approach your choices, consider the fact that there probably isn’t a wrong choice. Certainly each has its positives and negatives, but in most scenarios a decision is simply a choice to do one thing over another, and not a matter of right or wrong.
With that said, some people do find comfort in creating a pro and con list to help look at their options more objectively. It can also be helpful to ask various people what they would do in your situation to explore every scenario. But remember, you have to make the final call, so use their thoughts as a tool, not as an answer.
Making a difficult choice can be rather terrifying, but don’t let fear hinder your decision-making abilities. As long as you embrace your decision whole heartedly, even if it turns out not as you'd hoped for, you’ll still come out on top.

Always keep in mind that indecision is a choice in and of itself, and though it may be the safe choice, it’s very rarely the right one!

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Dear Poll: Do You Trust Your Instincts?

DearSugar — Thu, 01 May 2008 14:00:00 -0700

In my own experience, I’ve always found my instincts to be right on on the money. In fact, I've come to realize that ignoring my instincts can really lead me astray. While it definitely takes some practice, I’m learning to trust them no matter what - even if it means going against other people’s opinions. When it comes to making decisions, do you trust your instincts?

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You Asked: Am I Ready for This Next Step?

DearSugar — Thu, 29 Nov 2007 06:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I can't believe I'm going to ask this but I don't have anyone else to ask and I have come to trust your opinions, so here it goes. I am a very happy married young lady and my relationship with my husband is great and so is our sex life, but for the past couple of months he's been wanting to have anal sex - something I've never done before. I must say I am really scared of having sex that way and I don't even know why ( I guess I think that it will hurt) but I also want to satisfy my husband's needs. I happen to feel that being a bit adventurous will never hurt a relationship so I guess what I want to know is is there a way that I could convince my hubby that it won't work or if you can tell me of something to use to not make it so nerve wrenching. - I'm Game Gertrude

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more

Dear I'm Game Gertrude,

I admire you for wanting to please your husband and keep things interesting in the bedroom, but if you aren't ready to take the plunge, you have every right to speak your mind and decline his fantasy. The thing that makes experimentation so special in a relationship is when both people are on the same page. If you don't have that level of comfort or trust, one person is bound to become either uncomfortable in the middle of the act or resentful for being pushed out of their comfort zone after the fact.

I think you should talk to your husband - let him know how badly you want to please him sexually, but you would like to try to come up with another way to do so. Your husband loves you so if you're just not ready, I'm sure he will understand. Talking out your fears might also calm your nerves about the pain, so if you decide to go through with it, make sure you feel safe, go slow, and if at any time you feel uncomfortable, be sure to tell him to stop. And last but not least Gertrude, don't forget lube! Good luck.

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More Harm Than Good?

DearSugar — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 11:00:00 -0700

To add more fuel to the teen pregnancy fire surrounding the Palin family, Jamie Lynn Spears thought it would be a nice gesture to send Bristol Palin, Sarah Palin's 17-year-old pregnant daughter, a baby gift with a card reading "hang in there." While I'm not one to judge these girls or their decisions to be young moms, I did think this was a little bizarre - they don't even know each other!

Jamie Lynn is no stranger to public scrutiny, so I have to ask why she'd turn the spotlight on Bristol and back onto herself. I could be overthinking this, but tell me: Do you think this is a situation where a young girl trying to support another young woman in the same position is a good idea? Or do you think her gesture caused more harm than good by bringing more unwanted publicity to her personal life?

Update - Turns out that Lynne Spears has denied any gifts were sent.

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Handle This: Your Friend Wants to Break Her Engagement

DearSugar — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 10:00:00 -0700

Your engaged friend has been acting incredibly distant lately. You assume it's because she's planning her wedding, but when you finally get time together, she opens up to you after a few drinks. She tells you that things aren't going well and she's having serious cold feet, to the point that she wants to call off the wedding. You try to calm her down, but the more details she divulges, the more you're starting to think perhaps calling off the wedding is the right decision. You've grown to love her fiancé, and you remember how happy they once were, but you want the best for your friend. You don't want to give her bad advice, so how do you handle this?

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