TresSugar

Stay Tuned For Something New!

DearSugar — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Hey DearSugar readers, I've got a secret. Starting tomorrow, there will be some exciting changes coming to DearSugar - but I can't tell you what just yet! So stay tuned and keep your eye on DearSugar Wednesday evening to find out what's in store.

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Don't Forget to Send in your Questions!!

DearSugar — Sun, 26 Aug 2007 12:00:00 -0700

I am loving all your questions ladies, so please keep them coming!!

Simply click here to submit your question anonymously!

All the best,

DearSugar

You Asked: Married With Nothing?

DearSugar — Fri, 23 Mar 2007 16:30:00 -0700

DearSugar --

I have NO ONE to turn to about this. I have been married for 4 years. We have had a very tumultuous relationship. Up and down. I am the breadwinner, and I do most of the housework, and we fight a lot. In retrospect I think we got married because we were together for sooo long. He has a problem with lying; he's stolen money from me and has been verbally abusive. I know that all sounds bad, but that is not why I am writing.

Since being married, I have lost weight. I started losing for the wedding, and just kept going. I am not THIN but not fat -- average, size 10. Well, of course I am feeling more confident that I deserve better than my husband. At some point he realized I was about to leave, so he really stepped up and has been a great guy for the past few months. But here is the advice part: we have been trying to conceive and for the past few times he has not been able to perform. He agrees he must have erectile dysfunction. I am just torn; I mean what do I do?

To top it all off, I am feeling all confident and hot and getting hit on left and right, actually giving one guy my cell number. I just am feeling so lost right now. Do I stay with him even if he has no job (he is unemployed) just because I am married and that is what you do? Or do I leave him and risk not meeting anyone and being alone, but I am pretty sure I could meet someone -- I feel pretty confident about that. If he can't provide for me financially or provide a child for me, why should I stay? does that make me a b***h? I am so freaking lost I don't know what to do! ~ Conflicted Carrie

To see DEARSUGAR's answer read more

Dear Conflicted Carrie --

You've asked me for my advice, so fasten your seatbelt, hon. First, please stop trying to have a child. For the sake of everyone's future happiness, wait until you know more about yourself and more about your priorities.

From what you've written, I don't think you want to be married. I know there have been many problems, but you don't seem that concerned about the problems. It seems to me you want a different life from the one you have and with a different person than the one you have. If there's nothing to keep you with your husband except a little worry that you might not find someone else, then I feel pretty confident suggesting the marriage isn't long for this world anyway.

Don't make each other unhappy because you can't find the personal courage to make a decision or take a risk. People make mistakes. Personally, I don't think we should pay for our mistakes an entire lifetime -- or even for the few more years that will feel like a lifetime. And I certainly don't believe a child ought to be knowingly conceived in the midst of such confusion, chaos, and personal strife.

I say forget about being a b***h, Carrie. Be responsible, take your chances with a new life, learn a few things, and live with the consequences. That's pretty much what we all have to do. Good luck.

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The Gratitude Project: Sunday, March 18th

DearSugar — Sun, 18 Mar 2007 04:01:00 -0700

Welcome to the Gratitude Project, our practice of noticing and actively valuing the good things that happen in our lives. Featured every Sunday, we'll all be listing at least 3 things, in detail, that we're grateful for from this past week. I'll keep the link open throughout the week on the Editor's Picks box, so you can post on the weekdays, too.

For more details about the research on health, decreasing levels of stress hormones, increasing happiness and gratitude, please read the post in which I previewed this feature. Lots of good stuff there.

I'll get things rolling, okay? Click here to read more

I'm grateful for my bedroom, which feels like being in a tree fort.

I'm grateful for T-la, who just gets that thing about me.

I'm grateful for Miss B, who couldn't be funnier if she tried and leaves me messages just when I most need to get them.

SuperLove: Chat the Planet

DearSugar — Mon, 05 Mar 2007 06:31:00 -0800

One of the things about this site I value is the effort we make to know each other and support each through sharing our experiences. In very personal ways, we explore how we are similar and how we are different, and a real effort is made to be curious, open, and accepting. We're funny, serious, searching and we're real. We 'talk' and we 'listen', which I believe constitute two crucial means by which we come to know, and accept, ourselves and others.

I found a new website called Chat the Planet that I want to share with you; it brings together young people from all over the world to talk about what it's like to be who they are, where they are.

Click here to read more

It includes remote video conversations between groups of people in the U.S, Cape Town, Baghdad and Jordan. It also provides daily clips of from viewers all over the world, who talk about their daily experiences in the places they live, from Iran, Israel, Australia, Honduras, Iraq, and the US. They talk about politics, music, shoes, peace, and what they're scared of.

I thought you might find the link and the people fascinating, inspiring, and worthwhile. I like the ways this medium can bring us closer, open us to more, and encourage us to think more deeply about what binds us together on this amazing and confounding planet. And we know, from our own experiences and from the research being done in diverse fields, that being and feeling connected makes us happier, healthier, and safer.

As ever, let me know what you think!

Mood Gallery: Show Us How You're Feeling!

DearSugar — Thu, 01 Mar 2007 15:30:00 -0800

Because sometimes a picture really is worth a thousand words, we invite you all to post any photo you take or find that best expresses your mood today.

Here's mine:

Post as often as you like or as often as your mood changes, ladies.

To learn how to post your mood, read more

I know these instructions look kinda scary, but posting will be a snap the second time around. Trust me!

First of all, join the Mood Gallery Group
Click "Create and Share!" on the left hand side
Choose "Blog"
Give your photo a Title
Leave the category as "general"
Change the channel to "love and sex, family and friend, etc."
Add keywords (for example mine for this photo were "excitement, happiness")
Click on the "Add Image" link below the "body" box
A popup window will happen - click on "Browse" to find your image on your computer
Once you have the image chosen, click "Submit"
The popup will show you your image, choose size: "normal" - if you want, you can give it a title (which will show up as a caption)
Click "Insert" and the popup will go away
Your "body" box will now have some text in it. Leave it as is. If you want to add some text before the picture, do it before the code that has appeared.
Click Submit

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Why People Misbehave Online

DearSugar — Wed, 28 Feb 2007 12:30:00 -0800

It's happened to us or it's happened because of us, and it's called "flaming". That's when a person says something in an email to another person that wouldn't be said quite the same way in a face-to-face interaction. Whether the email is angry, surly, embarrassing or lewd, researchers have another name for what makes us do it: "online disinhibition effect".

Click here to read more

Daniel Goleman, psychologist and author of the Emotional Intelligence, published an essay in last week's New York Times offering some clues from the field of social neuroscience about why we can't seem to curb our impulses while online. He sites a 2004 study that suggests several factors contribute to 'flaming':

. . . the anonymity of a Web pseudonym; invisibility to others; the time lag between sending an e-mail message and getting feedback; the exaggerated sense of self from being alone; and the lack of any online authority figure. Dr. Suler notes that disinhibition can be either benign - when a shy person feels free to open up online - or toxic, as in flaming.

But the really interesting stuff has to do with the brain. Turns out, we're wired to keep ourselves -- for the most part -- from upsetting other people or throwing a wrench into an interaction. The hitch? Tactful social responses depend to a large extent on the circuitry between the orbitofrontal cortex (empathy center) and the amygdala (emotional center; impulses), and for that circuitry to operate well, we need to read each other's subtle emotional cues; in other words, it's a guidance system that depends on face-to-face interaction, tone of voice, or the gleam in an eye.

Goleman thinks the integration of video might give us and our brains more of the social cues we need to manage our flaming impulses. Let's hope. Do the read the article if you have a second; very interesting stuff, and it's definitely helped me stop and think about these experiences differently, which in turn helps me check my own impulses a bit!

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Working With Feelings of Unworthiness

DearSugar — Tue, 27 Feb 2007 12:30:00 -0800

Many years ago, writer and Buddhist Sharon Salzberg asked the Dalai Lama his thoughts on self-hatred. Despite his long life of study and devotion, he had never encountered this condition and initially found it incomprehensible. Western students of Buddhism, on the other hand, faced a daily struggle with it.

One of my favorite resources for dealing with feelings of unworthiness, shame and perfectionism is a 3-cd set which takes us slowly and gently through the practice of self-acceptance.

Click here to read more

Tara Brach, a respected clinical psychologist and Buddhist meditation teacher, uses tools from both traditions to help us become more compassionate toward the “unforgivable” parts of ourselves. In this interview about busyness and anxiety, Dr. Brach addresses our chronic struggles with unworthiness:

The biggest fear we have is that somewhere, we are failing or are going to fail. You can almost say that our personalities are in a large part a way of compensating for fear. We want to show to the world what would be acceptable and loveable. In doing so, we in some way disconnect from the aliveness and authenticity of who we are.

There's also an audio clip of Tara Brach included with that interview. Her voice is soothing, and I like the pace of the exercises, and the liberating effects of her nonjudgement throughout the 3 hours of instruction and guidance. And, if you click below, you can read some comments from other people about Radical Self-Acceptance: A Buddhist Guide to Freeing Yourself from Shame.

For a sample of how she handles the content, you can read the first chapter by clicking here. I prefer the audio version myself, as there's something about feeling accompanied through this kind of material that I find very comforting. In this first chapter she talks about some obstacles we face when sunk in feelings of unworthiness:

The belief that we are deficient and unworthy makes it difficult to trust that we are truly loved. Many of us live with an undercurrent of depression or hopelessness about ever feeling close to other people. We fear that if they realize we are boring or stupid, selfish or insecure, they'll reject us.

If you'd like to begin working with your feelings of unworthiness, or if you know someone who's struggling with those feelings, this could be a gentle and valuable starting place. It's a theme many of us know intimately. Ladies, if you have other resources you'd like to suggest, I hope you will.

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Your Skin's Emotional Life

DearSugar — Tue, 27 Feb 2007 08:00:00 -0800

Ever have a bad case of hives, eczema, acne or psoriasis? Ever notice how a flare-up can coincide with a seriously stressful time in your ife? Psychodermatology, an emerging medical practice, is joining the practice of dermatology and psychiatry in hopes of finding the best solution for these mind-skin troubles.

“An estimated 30 to 60 percent of people who come to a doctor for help with skin problems also have emotional issues that are churning as well,” says Dr. Ted Grossbart, an assistant clinical professor of psychology at Harvard Medical School and author of "Skin Deep: A New Mind/Body Program for Healthy Skin."

“These emotional stressors can keep the best skin medicine in the world from working," he says. "You’ve got to address what’s going on in the heart as well as on the skin.”

Click here to read more

And what's really interesting is how tools like relaxation, biofeedback, self-hypnosis or psychotherapy are achieving radical results.

In August 2006, the Journal of the American Academy of Dermatology published a study that found 57 percent of patients suffering from alopecia (or hair loss) had total or partial hair regrowth after undergoing hypnosis. And a series of small studies conducted at Carleton University in Canada found half of patients lost their warts after undergoing hypnosis.

If you're interested or if you've been dealing with ongoing skin problems, you can read the entire article here.

Please pass along any stories you have about life problems becoming skin problems!

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TresSugar

Stay Tuned For Something New!

Top 10 DearSugar Stories of 2007

Don't Forget to Send in your Questions!!

You Asked: Married With Nothing?

The Gratitude Project: Sunday, March 18th

SuperLove: Chat the Planet

Mood Gallery: Show Us How You're Feeling!

Why People Misbehave Online

Working With Feelings of Unworthiness

Your Skin's Emotional Life