TresSugar

"Why Did He Cut Me Off?"

Tres Community — Sat, 26 May 2012 03:05:00 PDT

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I was seeing a guy at work for a couple of weeks and I really liked him. Unfortunately we ran into problems and I broke up with him after finding that he wasn't considering my feelings at all regarding a particular situation. I was and still am so into him so it was such a hard thing to do. When I broke up with him he instantly asked me to delete his number and said we shouldn't speak anymore. Since then, at work he has pretended that I don't even exist. The week before, he introduced me to his friends even though we were only a couple of weeks in! I feel so rejected and hurt. If we were friends, maybe it wouldn't hurt so much? I think I was falling for him, but my values were much more important and he didn't respect them. Why did he cut me off that way? Can anyone help?

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Bar Refaeli on Cheesy Pickup Lines and Her Teeth Fetish

Tara Block — Wed, 23 May 2012 11:56:00 PDT

She may be Maxim's hottest woman alive, but model Bar Refaeli told Conan O'Brien last night that men rarely approach her. But that may change after last night, since Bar told the talk show host that she'd go for a forward guy, even if he uses a cheesy pickup line on her. Other than boldness, Bar also admits she likes guys with good teeth. Who knew there was such a thing as a teeth fetish? Watch the funny interview now!

"I'm Not Sure What I Want Anymore"

Tres Community — Wed, 23 May 2012 10:30:54 PDT

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I am having a hard time making some big decisions in my life right now. My boyfriend and I are currently long distance, but we were together for over two years before that. After he moved, we stayed together for a while and then broke up for a few months because of the distance and unclear future. We got back together at the end of last year and have been trying to make things work since then. We're both aware that we need to be in the same city to make things work, and I started making plans to accomplish that. The thing is, I'm not sure I want to leave. Or rather, I'm pretty sure I don't. I love where I live, I am lucky enough to have an amazing job with advancement potential, and if I do move, I'll be giving all of that up and starting over.

To add another layer, our relationship is not without its issues. When we were in the same place, there was a fair amount of drama, and in the time we were broken up, I was with someone else, and this has caused trust issues and hurt feelings. In spite of this, we love each other, and I want to marry him and start a family. I know that because of his ties to where he is living now, he will not move, so it's up to me to go there, and not vice versa. I told myself that the move was something I was willing to do so we could be together, but that I wouldn't do it without knowing he was really in it and wanted the same future I do.

Recently, though, I've been feeling like I don't want to move at all, and wondering why I should be the one to do it if we both want the relationship to work. I guess I'm just trying to figure out if I should end things and hope that we can remain friends, or if I should suck it up and move for a future I hope we'll have.

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

"I Snooped and Found Something . . . Now What?"

Tres Community — Tue, 22 May 2012 03:05:00 PDT

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I'll try my best to make this short. I really appreciate any and all advice here, I am so stumped on what to do.

My boyfriend and I have been together for about three months now. I'm 24 he is 28. We met at work, and were not really friends before we started dating. So basically I have some trust issues because I don't really know much about his dating life before we got together, other than the fact that he was kind of a player.

We have an interesting relationship. Most of the time we are great, have a good time together. He told me he loved me first, probably about two months in. That was a big deal for him because he had only said it to one girl before, and they dated for five years.

A couple weeks ago we had a bad string of fights about all sorts of things, but the past couple weeks have been great with no problems.

I'm not really sure how much of this back story is relevant, but there it is anyway lol.

So back to my trust issues.... I snooped in his phone last night because I just had a bad feeling. I know it's totally wrong and an invasion of privacy, but I couldn't help it. Anyways, I found something. A text conversation between him and another girl from last Saturday late night / Sunday afternoon.

This conversation happened when he was away at a bachelor party all weekend on a boat with a bunch of guys. I was under the impression that he didn't have cell phone service out there, so seeing that he was talking to anyone was kind of a shock, because I didn't hear from him until Monday, only one little text on Saturday.

He initiated the convo, asking for her to send him a video. She responded that her boyfriend probably wouldn't like the type of video he was trying to get her to send. He then asked her for a picture of her boobs the next afternoon. Thankfully she didn't send one. The whole convo was only around 10 texts, and in it he also made a comment implying that he didn't have a girlfriend.

I don't want to be conceited, but I'm an attractive girl. This girl he was talking to is really not that pretty and also pretty white trash.

Also I'm not a prude, we have a great sex life and see each other all the time, so it's not like he's missing anything in that department. I had actually sent him a naked picture two days before this, so why would he go asking another girl for the same thing?

I'm so confused. I really don't know what to do in this situation, so please if anyone has been there, let me know how you handled it. I really want to trust him deep down, and don't think he's actually cheating on me, but this is definitely not ok behavior. What do I do?

Thanks for any help!

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"My Co-Worker Has Feelings For My Boyfriend"

Tres Community — Mon, 21 May 2012 03:05:45 PDT

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I desperately need some advice. Here goes . . .

Me, my friend, and new boyfriend work at the same workplace. My friend is pretty close to my boyfriend as they work in the same department. I was fine with this before I found out she had a crush on him at the same time as me. It all started when I told her that I had a crush on this guy. I told him how I felt, and we eventually started dating. She then told me that she had a crush on him the same time I did. Even though she had a bf at the time, and she knew that I liked him, she still told him how she felt about him. He didn't respond to her feelings. I had no idea about this until we went on our first date, and my friend told me the next day.

I have never had a problem with their friendship until now. They spend a lot of time together at work (he spends his lunchtime with her), and he never makes any effort to see me at work. I am really uncomfortable about them together now that I know how she once felt, and I can't help but feel anxiety. Am I wrong to feel this way? She has become colder toward me since we started dating, and I don't think she realizes it. I can't go on dating him knowing that they go for coffee together after work and they spend a lot of time together at work.

I have doubts about this guy anyway because he ignores me at work (he wants to keep us a secret because he is worried that we will lose credibility) yet he spends all his spare time with my friend. He texts me once a day (yes, really!) and does not phone. I don't mind that, but it just adds to my doubts about him. Am I being paranoid?

Please help me.

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5 Perks of Dating a Geek

Annie Scudder — Sun, 20 May 2012 09:23:22 PDT

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg married longtime girlfriend Priscilla Chan last night in a surprise ceremony in his backyard. Priscilla, who just finished med school last week, has been dating Mark for almost a decade, after they met at Harvard. The Social Network makes the case that computer nerd Mark created Facebook to help him get chicks. But if all women knew that dating a technology lover comes with so many perks, they wouldn't need to be convinced. And in reality, Mark and Priscilla have been together since before he released "The Facebook." Here are five reasons to seek out a geeky guy.

They're genuine: There's a good chance a geek has spent more time playing video games than practicing his game. And if he's used to being the dating underdog, he'll likely appreciate having you in his life.
They set up your electronics: Can't get your WiFi to work? Dream of an awesome entertainment setup but frightened by cords? Find a guy that looks at setting up electronics as a form of entertainment itself.
They fix your computers: Your time spent waiting in line at the Genius Bar or on the phone with technical support will drop drastically. And if they can't fix it, they know someone who can.
They expand your knowledge: If you think of the Internet as a series of tubes, spending time with a computer nerd can make technology seem like less of a mystery. And if they have a thing for nonfiction books, they'll probably share what they've learned.
They can find anything on the Internet: Geeks can call on their superior online research skills when you're planning a vacation or looking for a new restaurant for date night. How romantic!

Anything to add, geek lovers?

Source: Facebook user Priscilla Chan

"Does His Single Facebook Status Matter?"

Tres Community — Thu, 17 May 2012 03:05:32 PDT

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

We have been dating for two years now, already talking about marriage. A year ago I changed my facebook relationship status into "in the relationship." He didn't. He is still single in Facebook. I never brought this up as it is sounds childish. Two months ago I changed mine into "single." I figured why would I when he doesn't care about these stuff.

Is this so immature that I want everyone in the world to know that we are in love? He doesn't care about this stuff and he always maintains a high level of privacy and by putting it out there I don't mean to be possessive or let the girls know he is taken. I just want to . . . I don't know, brag about being in love?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

"Is This a Controlling Relationship?"

Tres Community — Sat, 12 May 2012 03:05:41 PDT

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I've been with my boyfriend for seven months now, and we decided to move in together after three months because he had to find a new house. His mum also moved in with us - she used to live with him before - but I was fine about it because I get on well with her. I didn't tell my mum and my sister that we were moving in together because I thought they would get upset that I didn't ask for their advice. I wanted to wait a few months and tell them, but my mum found out about two months after I moved in with him and got very upset that I lied to her. My mum and sister believe that he persuaded me to move in together, but I wanted that too.

It was fine until last two weeks. One day after Uni I went to see my friend and told him about it. When we were having coffee with my friend, my boyfriend texted me saying he just passed the cafe we were at and rang me. He said he was going to work and I said that I would call him back, but he hung up and we had a massive fight after because he was offended that I didn't invite him to have a coffee with my friend - he basically said I have no manners. So he was giving me the silent treatment for two days and I felt guilty about it the whole time. I told my best friend and my sister about that and they said that he acted like a child.

Everything seemed to settle down before my sister came to visit me for a day about a week after that incident. I didn't see her for six months because she lives in a different country but I wanted her to meet my boyfriend - he even took a day off work. But my sister told me she wanted to have sister time without him, which I thought was fair, but I also wanted her to get to know the person I live with. My boyfriend said he would be babysitting for his sister in the morning, so I thought me and my sister could spend some time together and he could join us in the afternoon. He got upset, saying that he took a day off from work and I just messed him like that. I knew I got myself into a stupid situation because I waited to tell him until the last minute, so I apologized.

I can understand his reaction but I didn't think it would get worse. I kept texting him during the day but he didn't text back, then when me and my sister came home, he just ignored us. When my sister left, we had a big argument. I wanted to find out why he got so upset, because if that had been his sister and he'd wanted to be with her alone for a while, I would understand. He said that I don't know what a serious relationship is because if I really cared about him, I would have told my sister that he would come with us whether she wanted it or not. He also said that if she really cared about me, she would have stayed longer than one day because she had about twelve days in my country and spent most of the time at our mum's house. He said that my sister only came to spy on him and tell my mum everything about him because my mum has never met him, then added that I should stop listening to everybody's advice and start thinking for myself - otherwise I will be a pushover for the rest of my life. I told my sister about this argument because I was so confused, then she said that he is a controlling person and that I should dump him. It's been okay between my boyfriend and I ever since, but I am still not sure what's happened. I think I need to hear an objective opinion on the whole situation.

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

5 Reasons Being a Single Man is Kind of Overrated

The Good Men Project — Fri, 11 May 2012 04:00:47 PDT

We're happy to present this story from one of our favorite sites, The Good Men Project. Today, Damon Young names five reasons being a single man is overrated.

While most will probably remember 2012 as the "Year Of The YOLO" (and by "most" I mean "like seven people"), it holds special significance for me because it’ll likely be the first year since 2002 where I spent the entire year single. I haven’t completed a full calendar year yet - May will make it seven months since the former Lady Champ and I decided to go our separate ways - but because I seem to enjoy doing random anthropological experiments on myself for absolutely no reason (and because I’m an INTJ and INTJs apparently suck at relationships), I’m confident that I’ll make it to 2013 without having to change my Facebook relationship status again.

Three Little-Known Stressors That Are Killing Men

Anyway, if I could sum up my seven months of singledom in one word, it would most likely be "interesting." I’ve met some "interesting" people, done some "interesting" things, made some "interesting" decisions, and, most importantly, thought some "interesting" thoughts. The most "interesting" of these "interesting" thoughts? Being a single man is kind of overrated.

Now, as I stated on the day where I wrote about orgasms, "overrated" doesn’t mean "bad." In fact, as the careers of Tupac and Derrick Rose continue to prove, something can be very, very good - even great - and still be overrated. I’ve enjoyed being single, and will likely continue to enjoy it. But, while it seems like many assume that being a single man (a single Black man, at that) is nothing but an utopic stream of easy popsicles and cold pancakes, there are a few downsides.

It can be very lonely. As a person who wanted to be single, is a natural introvert, and generally enjoys doing things by himself, I’m surprised by how, for lack of a better term, "noticeable" the solitude and loneliness of singledom can be. Even when seeing multiple people and/or having tons of friends, being single means that you are . . . single, by yourself, and there may be times when you want to have someone around but there will be no one that you want to be around readily available to be around.

Then, to add insult to injury, if you’re an angsty motherf*cker like me, you’ll start thinking things like "Wait. I’m a single man. A single Black man. My dad named me after Dolemite. Shaka Zulu is my second cousin. People who’ve never even met me call me "Champ" for chrissakes. Why the f*ck do I feel lonely right now?" which’ll make it even worse.

You have to wear condoms. And, wearing condoms sucks. If you’re one of the 137 people left on Earth who always has protected sex - even if in a long-term, monogamous relationship - just skip this section and move on to #3. Also, I’ve left a plate of gotdamn sugar cookies at the end of this post as a reward for your duty. Please eat them with a gotdamn smile.

If you’re not one of these people, you should be able to relate to how frustrating it’s been to go from condom-less sex to having to worry about having gotdamn condoms all the damn time. And, even if you’re not actively having sex, "Do I have condoms?" and "Since I don’t have condoms, is there somewhere close where I can buy them?" always has to be on your mind.

Also, from a logistical perspective, they’re a hassle to put on, they smell like a pack of slutty balloons, and "sex with condoms" will always be the Mike Conley of coitus. There is always the alternative - just don’t wear condoms while single, either - but I think one Cromartie per generation is enough.

(Btw, is it just me, or has the price of condoms spiked dramatically in the past four years? I was last single in 2008, and I don’t remember a box of condoms costing as much as it does to fill a gas tank. Does this qualify as a "first world problem?" If a Black blogger bitches about condoms in the woods, would Kanye’s missing draws make a sound?) As much as condoms suck, they don’t suck as much as . . .

Having to participate in the dating game. In a paradox so annoying that I almost didn’t mention it today because I plan on spending an entire day on this sole topic soon, I love meeting new, interesting women but I hate the process that usually goes along with meeting new, interesting women. I understand (and appreciate) the purpose of the process, but knowing why it’s necessary doesn’t mean that you have to enjoy it.

The superficial romantic connections synonymous with singledom gets old. Ironically, the best thing about being a single man - possessing the ability to have myriad short, commitment-free relationships AT THE SAME DAMN TIME!!! - ends up being one of the worst after enough time has passed. This actually hasn’t happened to me yet. I guess I’m still in the single honeymoon phrase. But, I’m certain it will, and the thought of this happening is already depressing me. Actually, this entire list is getting depressing. ***Making note to self to make sure tomorrow’s post is about the playoffs or strippers or something***

You start to realize some, um, "unpositive" things about yourself. I’ve been in three long-term - "long term" = "monogamous relationship lasting at least a year" - relationships as an adult. Each of these relationships failed, and my wanting to be single was the main catalyst behind each of these failures. Now, because I’ve always been a guy who did all the "right on paper" relationship things - I’ve never cheated, never physically or verbally abused any girlfriends, always followed the chivalry handbooks, etc - I’ve always assumed that I’m good at being a partner. But, these last few months have made me realize that I have some real deficiencies in the relationship department - personality quirks that have subtly sabotaged each relationship I’ve been in.

I wouldn’t quite call myself a trojan horse - the sabotage isn’t intentional (at least it’s not consciously intentional) - but I’m just not very good at this relationship thing right now, and I intend to spend the rest of 2012 trying to figure out why.
That’s it for me today. Fellas - single or coupled up - how do you feel about the concept of singledom? Is it all the beer commercials make it out to be, or do you agree that it may be slightly overrated? Also, ladies, are the "single man problems" expressed today at all similar to any "single woman problems?"

"Do I Have the Right to Be Upset?"

Tres Community — Fri, 11 May 2012 03:05:00 PDT

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I met this dude on an online dating site, because that's what people do nowadays and also I'm shy so it provides a medium for me that's less intimidating. I create a profile and in three hours we find each other and we talk from about midnight until 6am about everything pretty much. It was so rewarding after a long dry spell of nothingness and jerks. He said things like "I'd be an idiot if I didn't ask you to hang out. It would be like sitting in gold"

Anyway, we talk for a couple more weeks before we go out to dinner. HE asked ME on the date by the way. And during dinner he was very lovely, showing off his Spanish speaking skills to the busboy gal. At one point the waiter comes over and was like "wow she's so pretty" in regards to me, and he replies "yeah don't remind me. I'm like a 6 and she's a 9/10"

So he was very kind and sweet like that the whole night, saying I looked nice and asking about my life. The sentiment was returned and we ended up talking until the restaurant closed and afterwards we took a walk and talked more and more. (we went dutch by the way for the dinner)

After this we went to his friend's house, chilled, drank and talked around a bonfire. And we also kissed. And when he drove me home he was very grabby, holding into my hand and letting me rest on his shoulder.

LITERALLY the next day he calls me and says something along the lines of "I had a good time. You're so incredibly gorgeous and cool and I want to see you again." real sweet stuff

We make plans to hang out again the following week and during the interim we texted and chatted online DAILY and Skyped. During these conversations I remember him telling me explicitly that usually when he loses interest in a girl he will stop calling or texting and that he would "never" lead me on. When he hang out again it was magical and he stayed over in my apartment and we talked and kissed until like 3am before he left. During this he's saying stuff indicative of him wanting this to work out in the long run like how he wants me to meet his best gal friend and meet the parents. He's also more sexually experienced than me and he let me know that he'd "never do anything that would make me uncomfortable" and other reassuring things. Also he never really pushed for sex at all. I mean he was genuinely really sweet.

The next day we go see a movie with his friends and that's when things turned sour because I was under the impression that it would be just him and me hanging out, so already my expectations were shattered. Also he got really drunk after the movie when we went back to his friends house and he basically ignored me the entire night because you know he wanted to drink with his bros. and this is okay but my body language showed that I was bored and uninterested and he noticed and gave me a lot of shit for it. Eventually he said he could just walk me home if I was feeling uncomfortable (at this point we are already back on my campus) and so he did. All the while he was kissing me and saying things like "after tonight I'm all yours. I'll hang out with you on Sunday, I'm all yours" and I JOKINGLY said something about him wanting to get rid of me for the night and I think that may have scared him off because he went into this drunken rant about "you know, I can't be that guy who always does what you want him to" and blah blah blah. It came outta nowhere because I was literally just kidding.

More of this reader's dilemma below.