TresSugar

UK Report Calls Date-Rape Drug a Myth

TresSugar — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 14:00:00 -0700

Well this is depressing. A UK Daily Mail article titled Date-Rape Drug? No Dear, You Just Had Too Much to Drink claims that date-rape drugs are mostly an urban myth. The paper quotes academic research, recently published in the British Journal of Criminology, to argue that women are "willing to 'hide behind' the idea that a stranger poured poison in their drink - rather than face up to the fact that they had simply been binge drinking."

The original report claims that women often confuse binge-drinking induced blackouts and dizziness with drink-spiking, and researchers worry that this could cause women to be less careful about more common factors that put them at risk for rape - like heavy drinking. Unfortunately, this attitude suggests that because women are responsible for their binge drinking, they're also responsible for any assault they might endure. (What about the rapist?)

In addition, the authors say that "despite popular beliefs, police have found no evidence rape victims are commonly drugged with substances such as rohypnol." It seems like quite a leap to say that women getting drugged and then raped is an urban myth just because it might not be as common as a drunk woman getting raped.

It's troubling that some experts and the media cannot find a way to remind people about the dangers associated with binge drinking without discrediting women who have been victims of sexual abuse.

Coasters That Detect Date-Rape Drugs in Drinks

TresSugar — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Getting reminders that there are predatory men out there willing to spike your drink with date-rape drugs kinda keeps me from ever wanting to leave my apartment again, but at least for the brave bar flies out there, there are now coasters that can be used to detect two "popular" date-rape drugs, GHB (aka "Roofies") and ketamine.

Some bars are willing to fork over the 40 cents-per-coaster to hand these out to women so that they feel safe enough to drink at their bars. It's pretty shocking that this is common enough that a whole industry has been built around it. In case you didn't know, there's also the lip gloss that detects date-rape drugs. Sigh. To watch a news clip about a reserve law enforcement officer who was busted by a bartender using one of these coasters, read more.

Shocking News: Juries Don't Believe Date Rape Exists

DearSugar — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 11:00:00 -0800

Date rape is more common than you might think, and statistics show that one in six women will be sexually assaulted in a lifetime. Of those assaults, only 19 percent are reported to the police, which is why recent news shows that it's tough to prosecute sexual predators.

Of all the stranger-rape cases that do make it to court, 68 percent end with a conviction. For acquaintance-rape cases, that number is much lower - only 35 percent. Part of the reason is that juries don't think the notion of date rape exists. In the 70s, most reported rape cases were committed by strangers, so jurors and judges have an image in their mind that a rapist is some crazy lunatic who hides in the bushes and prances on unsuspecting victims. They assume the victim will have bruises and broken bones, and she'll notify the police right away, but as we all know, that's not always the case. Rape situations are much different now. Many victims know their attacker and often times, they are given date-rape drugs so they'll be unable to fight back or say no. These drugs can make details foggy for the victim, so she may not go to the police (right away or at all) because she's unsure of what happened.

I know this is frighting news, but there's still something you can do. To find out what it is read more.

If you suspect you were a victim of date rape, go to a hospital immediately. Do not shower; you don't want to wash away any evidence. The doctor or nurse will administer a rape kit to collect semen, saliva, clothing fibers, strands of hair, and other evidence, and will make a report of your story. This is your best weapon at proving the rape happened so the police or court system can convict your attacker, which will keep you and other women safe.

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What You Should Know About Date-Rape Drugs

DearSugar — Fri, 23 May 2008 16:00:00 -0700

Since sexual assault is so prevalent, it's important to talk about how date-rape drugs could play a part. Staying educated about these drugs is a great way to keep yourself safe so check out the chart below to learn about three very popular date-rape drugs.

Drug	Appearance/Form	Effect on Person
GHB (gamma hydroxybutyric acid)	Liquid with no color or odor, white powder, or a pill.	Relaxation, dizziness, vomiting, sweating, unconsciousness, memory loss, coma, death.
Rohypnol (flunitrazepam): also called Rufies	A pill that dissolves in liquids. Newer pills turn the liquid blue, but older ones that have no color are still available.	Drowsiness, drunk {feeling}, problems talking, seeing, or moving, confusion, dizziness, loss of consciousness.
Ketamine (ketamine hydrochloride)	White powder.	Hallucinations, problems breathing, feeling out of control, lost sense of time and identity, numbness, slurred speech, vomiting.

To find out how to protect yourself from being a victim of a date-rape drug, read more.

Although these tips might seem obvious, it can't hurt to refresh your memory, especially before a long weekend: Since these drugs are often dissolved in alcoholic drinks, never accept drinks from people you don't know and never let your drink out of your sight. Don't share drinks, drink from punch bowls, or drink anything that tastes or smells funky (GHB can have a salty flavor). And as always, drink responsibly and never drink and drive. Have a safe and fun Memorial Day weekend!

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You Asked: I Don't Believe She Was Raped

DearSugar — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My friend tends to get a little touchy feely with guys when she gets drunk. She has a boyfriend that she has been dating for almost three years who is studying abroad in Italy. Recently she got drunk, invited a guy over, and they had sex. She is really upset about what happened, and her boyfriend is being amazingly understanding, however I'm having a problem being as sympathetic. She is telling almost anyone who will listen the story and she's saying that the guy she invited over raped her.

I know he could have stopped it from happening, but so could she, and knowing her past I am almost certain she is the one who initiated everything. I don't want to hurt her feelings and make her think I don't feel for her, but this isn't the first time she drunkenly cheated on her boyfriend. It's also not the first time she has had drunken sex and claimed the guy raped her. I don't know what to do. How do I deal with this sort of issue?

- Skeptical Sasha

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more.

Dear Skeptical Sasha,

Regardless of whether or not she's telling the truth, your friend is putting herself in very dangerous situations, and I can understand why you're feeling upset. Unfortunately, this is a tricky topic. Rape is an extremely serious allegation, and thus should be dealt with equal severity, although it sounds as if your friend isn't reporting this to the police or seeking emotional support from a professional source. Of course this could be the case because her allegations are untrue. Either way, her behavior is very self-destructive, but any attempt to question her story will only make you appear judgmental and uncaring.

I still think you should tell her that you're worried. Direct your concern at her unsafe choices and stay away from accusing her of lying. Be clear that you want to help her any way that you can, but you won't support her behavior when she's drinking anymore. Recommend that she starts seeing a therapist to figure out why she's letting random men into her home. If she knows that you're genuinely worried about her, she might be more receptive to your input. Good luck!

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New Sex Crime: Injecting People With HIV

DearSugar — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 07:30:00 -0800

I don't know what this world is coming to - I just read a news article about two men convicted of infecting 14 semi-conscious men at sex parties with HIV. The incidences happened in Amsterdam between January 2006 and May 2007. It's possible that these two men drugged the others with a date-rape drug before assaulting them, but that has yet to be proven. A panel of three judges concluded that one of the men repeatedly injected others with HIV in an attempt "to bring this same hurt to others."

All 14 men tested positive for HIV, but since they all took part in unprotected orgies, it can't be proven whether they were infected by the injections or by their own actions. While you'd think these two men convicted would be charged with attempted murder, they were not, since Dutch courts feel that HIV is a chronic illness, not necessarily a fatal one.

We have enough crime out there as it is, but apparently we have this kind to worry about, too. What do you think about this frightening news?

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Dos and Don'ts When It Comes to STI Prevention

DearSugar — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 08:00:00 -0700

STIs are not only uncomfortable, painful, and sometimes embarrassing, but they can also lead to health complications such as infertility, cancer, or even death. With that said, here's a reminder of the ways you can protect yourself, brought to you by the MayoClinic.

Talk to your partner. It's important to feel comfortable asking your partner about his or her sexual history. If you feel nervous, you may have to question whether or not you're ready to have sex in the first place.
Get an STI screening. Some people will either lie about having an STI, or they may not even know they've contracted an infection. Either way, it's a great idea for both you and your partner to get tested before becoming sexually active - peace of mind is definitely a turn on.
Immunize. In most countries, it's mandatory to receive the vaccine for Hepatitis B, so you most likely have it already. We're also lucky enough to have Gardasil, the vaccine that guards against HPV, the STI that causes certain types of cervical cancer. If you're not in a mutually monogamous relationship, it may be a great idea to get this vaccine.

To find out how else you can protect yourself, read more.

Condoms are a must. Although using male and female condoms doesn't guarantee 100 percent protection from STIs, they definitely help dramatically. Even if you're on the pill to protect against pregnancy, you still want to use a condom if you're unsure whether your partner is STI-free.
Don't mix sex with alcohol or drugs.I don't need to tell you that using drugs or alcohol decreases your awareness and makes it more difficult for you to make responsible decisions regarding your sexual safety. It's harder to remember to use a condom, and you may not be as picky about who you end up in bed with. Not only that, but using drugs and alcohol can also make sex less pleasurable, so it's really not worth it.
Be safe in public settings. If you're at a new bar or a friend's house party, remember that you can't be too careful. It's OK to try out new social scenes, just make sure you go with a group of friends that agree to arrive and leave together. Also, don't let your drink out of your sight. Date-rape drugs are colorless and odorless, but they can impair your judgment or make you pass out. You don't want anyone taking advantage of you, so if you forget to watch your drink, throw it out and get a new one - you're better safe than sorry.

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Ask E. Jean For DearSugar: Does He Have True Feelings For Me?

E Jean Carroll — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 09:17:24 -0700

Dear E. Jean,

I’m an elegant, attractive, educated and well-spoken 37-year-old woman. After nothing but eight long years of dating horror stories, three months ago I met a really attractive, sexy, open, bright, educated, and interesting 40-year-old man who was well raised and comes from a very nice family.

Since then we have been seeing each other up to three to four times a week, including sleepovers at both my house and his. Given that we both talk openly with one another about desiring marriage and a family, we realize the need, and share the same interest in spending lots of quality time together. We also realize that by doing so, we have put our relationship on a rather fast track. That can be an exciting thing to do, but it can have some major pitfalls too that are rather unexpected.

So, the major issue we are contending with has to do with altogether too frequent discussion and many detailed references to past relationships - on both sides. Honestly, my new man opened this line of communication with me very early into our relationship. I believed at that time, and appreciated, that it was purely for informational purposes - not to make me jealous and certainly not to showboat. In turn, I felt safe opening up about my past heartbreaks in order to let him know he was in good company, but that I was serious minded about him and what we could build together based on what lessons we had cultivated from our past choices and subsequent disappointments.

But now, three months later, I am growing increasingly concerned by his constant references to not only the most recent failed relationship (nothing more than an extended "Summer fling" type of love affair with a seriously-troubled woman in her mid-30s), but also to the many women he has dated over the last 20 years. How he remembers so much detail is beyond me. I can scarcely recall what any of my exes looked like in the nude, nor do I care to recall for that matter. I have pointed out several times how much better it would be for me, and for us, to converse about more interesting and more appropriate things. We do, by the way, laugh often and have a wide range of topics that we chat about. And he has been agreeable each time to my request. But then, at some point soon after, he launches into yet another story or analysis of what might have been wrong with so andso or how hurt he was when his attempts to help and/or intervene with this one or that one failed. To me, he seems hung up on the past failed relationships.

But the most damaging thing of all is that he provides me with far too much detail about past sexual matters. Sometimes he tells me that sex with so and so was awful, then he recants and says that in the beginning with her he actually really enjoyed it. It is becoming more clear to me as I grow to know him that almost every single lady he has been with since he was in high school had serious emotional and/or psychological problems. We're talking about family histories of severe alcoholism and physical abuse, women with eating disorders, girlfriends who may have been sexually abused by parental figures, rape, neglect, poverty, etc.

Yet again, this is just the beginning so read more!!!

His most recent ex-girlfriend currently works as a high-school special education teacher, but at night and on weekends she sells drugs (pot, pills) out of her basement, to some of these same students she teaches by day!

My most recent mistake was a relationship with a man I came to view as secretive, commitment phobic, and probably living some kind of double life. I think the whole affair was one great big lie. Admittedly, it was a traumatic bond and a most painful experience for me. It has now been a year since I ended that nightmare, and sufficient time has passed so that I am more than ready, not to mention eager, to move on.

My new man, however, did not make a clean break from his most recent affair with the teacher, and when he met me he was still interacting with her. I cannot be sure how often. He finally informed me last week that he recently received a long-winded letter from her, filled to the brim with apologetic words and sorrowful language and leaving no doubt in my mind that she would like to pick it up where they left off and try again. He insists that he is over her, well aware that he'd be stupid to ever go back to her, that he is happy with me, that I blow her out of the ballpark in terms of just about everything. But my anxiety grows by the day and I am uncomfortable and uncertain of his true feelings for me, and for her. I have an impossible time anymore taking a man at his word. Burned a few too many times I guess. Help!!! - Connected in Buffalo

Buffalo, My Luv,

The man is a giant ass.

His being an ass, however, is beside the point. You must deal with the genuine travesty here, which is this: You’ve told us that his “most recent” girlfriend is a special education teacher, and that she’s selling drugs to kids - not only to kids - but to her special kids who need extra care.

This is murderous! The drugs she sells to the kids may interact with their medications. The effects of the interactions - memory loss, hallucinations, convulsions, seizures, brain damage, car crashes, death - if I listed just the obvious ones would take up the whole page here on DearSugar. So call the police at once. Also alert the Board of Education. The women needs to be in jail by tonight.

I’ve never heard of such a weak, deluded, manipulative, talky-talky, embarrassing excuse for a man in my life.

That this “bright, educated, and interesting” boyfriend of yours didn’t stop his drug-pushing “Summer fling” from imperiling the children in her care tells me everything I need to know about him.

This is not a man a smart woman would ever consider as a husband and father. Underneath that “nice family” veneer, he’s a 40-year-old narcissistic pantywaist. He’s so involved with himself and all the sex he had with screwed-up, alcoholic, sexually-abused women in the past, he will never see you for the healthy, worthy, lovely woman who you are.

Get rid of him, Miss Buffalo! You can do a thousand times better.

To see more advice from E. Jean, visit Elle magazine and AskEJean.com.

Link Time!

DearSugar — Fri, 30 May 2008 14:00:00 -0700

Are you a compatible couple? Find out based on your birth order - iVillage
Living apart helps some married couples stay together - Tango
The top five things you should never say on a first date - The Frisky
Can vitamin C supplements affect the birth control pill? - GoAskAlice!
A doctor advises one reader how to get her sex drive back - Daily Bedpost
Britain's rape-conviction statistics are pretty deplorable - Jezebel
Women's breasts just keep getting bigger -gULR sex ed blog
He checked his cell phone during sex! - TrueHookUpConfession
Six negativity busters to chase away your blues - Divine Caroline

This Week With DearSugar

DearSugar — Sat, 12 Jan 2008 04:00:00 -0800

E. Jean weighs in on how Margaret can handle this year of politics with her husband while she's trying to write the great American novel.
If you're going on a first date this weekend, check out my tips on how to wait for your date gracefully in case he's late!
Check out the latest idea for protecting yourself against rape!
Do tell: Do you posses the characteristics of your astrological sign?

Is Being Deceived Dana's boyfriend hiding something from her?
Is the b*tch a dying breed?
Where do you stand on dating someone who lives at home?
News to me: Women are choosing career over love.
Learn the truth about the day 14 sex myth.
Does age matter in Hollywood relationships?

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