TresSugar

DearSugar Needs Your Help: Why Did He Wait to Tell Me This?

DearSugar — Sat, 27 Dec 2008 09:00:00 -0800

DearSugar and Blindsided Betsy need your help. Her husband just came clean and told her that he's unhappy in their relationship and has been for quite a while now. She doesn't understand why they didn't have this conversation before they got married and she's both devastated and angry. Do you have any advice for her?

Dear Sugar,

I have been with my husband for six and a half years (married for one), and two weeks ago, he came to me and told me that he isn't fulfilled in our relationship and hasn't been for some time now. He said that I am a wonderful, gorgeous, perfect wife/woman, but my communication skills are lacking and my conversation isn't stimulating enough for him. He doesn't know what he wants to do, but he does know that he isn't happy. Mind you he's never said anything to me about this before - never!

I feel like I've given so much to this relationship, including moving to another state and giving up the job I loved, and this is what I get in return? The fact that he's decided to tell me that he doesn't feel like we're "compatible" after we're already married upsets me to no end. We are going to counseling for the next three months, but there are no guarantees that anything will change in his mind, and quite frankly, I feel like the damage he's caused is irreversible. I love him and always thought he loved me too, so has our entire relationship been a sham? I just don't know what to think anymore and I fear that I've wasted seven years of my life only to become a divorcée. I don't know what to do now so any advice would be a huge help. - Blindsided Betsy

Source

You Asked: Is this Happily Ever After?

DearSugar — Thu, 22 Feb 2007 08:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar--
I'm so upset with my husband! We've been married only two months and I don't know what to do with him. He and I were best friends for several years prior to dating, so I thought I knew him pretty well. When we were friends and at first when we were initially dating, he was so kind and thoughtful; always listened and acknowledged my feelings. Then slowly he started listening less and now when I go to him with a problem or issue, he gets very angry and doesn't listen at all. Even worse, he gets angry with ME for even having a problem in the first place.

Then, of course I get upset, and he will ignore me for days. Nothing ever gets solved and I end up feeling like he doesn't listen or care! I'm just so flabbergasted. I knew this man for years, and he was always the kindest sweetest man around! Please help! --Confused Connie

To see DEARSUGAR's answer read more

Dear Confused Connie --

It sounds, from your note, as if you feel you've lost your best friend, and that's a wrenching feeling, I know. I wish I knew if anything has changed recently in your husband's life. Finances, his job, or some other transition? And I don't know if you lived together before marrying. Some couples who date for years but don't live together before marriage can experience a basic but major transition period.

Still, it's very clear you're experiencing a serious communication problem. A lack of openness or willingness to listen, anger and resentment, and ignoring a partner in distress are all signals that new skills are required, and urgently. There's no way to know the root of the issue from your note or description, but getting closer again, feeling safer, and becoming more comfortable speaking about what's happening would be my first priorities for you both.

Since this is so fundamental, I'm tempted to recommend counseling. For you first, Connie, so you can begin to get some support around the problems and concerns you've unsuccessfully brought to your husband. If your husband can't be available, you still need help and should seek it. We all require guidance, reassurance and perspective, so I think it might be wise if you gave that to yourself for a little awhile.

When you feel more grounded and have some tools, I'd ask your husband to share the emotional work of this new marriage with you. The book Getting the Love You Want is a very practical, balanced, and approachable resource for couples. You can buy two copies and each do the exercises, some together, some separately. It's really very non-threatening and well-paced, but also rich and encouraging. Relationships take work, and tough times can require special dedication and effort.

If your husband is unwilling to try the book approach, I'd move to plan B, which is couples counseling. As ever, be gentle and clear, and be firm about its importance to you and the health of the relationship. Let him know that you miss him and love him, and that you need his participation. Besides, it's a safe place for you both, and from there you can make your way back to each other. I can feel that you love your husband and miss the ways you were close. Mutual care and understanding are possible again, Connie, and with a little time and effort, I believe your marriage can thrive.

Marital Counseling With Dr. Phil

GiggleSugar — Tue, 20 Nov 2007 07:00:00 -0800

Dr. Phil: Über perceptive or speaking from experience? You be the judge.

Plastic Surgery For "Designer Vaginas" Is on the Rise

TresSugar — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 13:00:00 -0800

It's hard to believe that although women have enough to worry about, some of them worry about having perfect-looking genitals. "Designer vagina" surgery such as labioplasty is still on the rise. A procedure like labioplasty, which starts at $5,000, involves trimming back what might be perceived as a protruding labia. Yikes.

Some critics say that many women go into these surgeries without fully understanding the risks. Will there be complications in childbirth? Will these surgeries affect sexual pleasure? These critics also question whether anyone in the medical community should even perform surgeries to "trim, sculpt and perfect" genitals. Perhaps, they reason, women should get psychological counseling instead of genital cosmetic surgery. (The desire to "perfect" your genitals could be a sign you have body dysmorphic disorder.)

If looking at a picture of a thin, perfect model makes some women seek "perfection" by dieting or exercising, where exactly are women getting their ideas of what a perfect vagina looks like? Porn? Help me out here.

Pre marital counseling.

Fri, 29 Dec 2006 21:41:15 -0800

ok i have a dilemma on my hands. My boyfriend proposed to me this Christmas and we are very excited on taking our relationship to the next level. His Grandfather is a retired pastor and it means a lot to my fiance to have him do the service. I fully support this decision. However my fiance's cousin just got married and he did their service as well. He required them to do premarital counseling and she told me that she had to lie about her sex life as well as living together with her fiance. My fiance and I have an active sexual life and although its not on paper anywhere we do live together. I dont want to lie to his grandfather, but at the same time I know that if he were to know the truth the whole family would look down on us and possibly not accept us because of their religious beliefs. I know according to the bible what we are doing is wrong and lieing to a pastor whether retired or not just does not seem to me a great way to start a healthy marital relationship. If anyone has been down this road before or can give some helpful advice on premarital counseling i would greatly appreciate it.

the nut

Pre marital counseling.

Fri, 29 Dec 2006 21:41:15 -0800

the nut

Pre marital counseling.

Fri, 29 Dec 2006 21:41:12 -0800

the nut

Relationship Protocol: Couples Counseling

DearSugar — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 10:00:00 -0700

I’m always quick to mention therapy as an option for people in relationships who are working through what can seem like insurmountable issues. The effects of communication in a safe environment with a third party professional vary from person to person but have the potential to be quite powerful. That said, I’m not convinced that therapy is the answer for every relationship, especially those that have yet to commit to a lifetime partnership, marriage or otherwise. If you’re two years in and having problems, maybe that means you’re just not meant to be.

I’m being tough, I know, but do you agree that couples counseling is best left to the long-term and lifelong committed relationships? Or do you think therapy is viable for any couple that wants to make it work?

Source

Infamous Reform School For Girls Closes Its Doors

TresSugar — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 07:00:00 -0700

The idea of a reform school for girls seems to come straight out of a B-movie from the '50s, complete with stock characters like the naïve innocent, the hardened mean girl with a heart of gold who ends up plotting a way for them both to escape, and an evil warden who gets in their way. It's hard to believe that such a place could still exist.

Until August of this year, the notorious Beloit reform school for girls in Beloit, KS did exist, and the school, founded in the 1890s, only recently shut down because the state could no longer afford to house the remaining 21 girls to the tune of $200,000 a year.

Although the school's founders had good intentions, Beloit's dark history includes the severe mistreatment of girls, many of who were running away from physically and sexually abusive homes. In effect, the abused were shipped off to be further abused. How bad did it get? In the '30s, a superintendent who was influenced by Nazi eugenics practices had 62 of her charges involuntarily sterilized. To read more about the history of Beloit and how it evolved, read more

Beloit was founded and in part funded by the suffragist and pro-Prohibition group The Women's Christian Temperance Union in the 1890s. Sometimes, the girls there were practically "indentured" by farm families in this rural town in order to earn the food they ate. (This was all before the state took over.)

At the time, according to Russell Jennings, commissioner of the Kansas Juvenile Justice Authority, girls "were really viewed in our society much more as property." They didn't even have to run away to be deemed "incorrigible" or "wayward." They only had to be, as he put it, "a pain in the neck."

In a file from a girl housed (incarcerated?) at Beloit in the '30s, her offenses were that she "associated with Mexican men" and "became intoxicated at dances." Another woman was sent to the reform school for "being immoral (with father)."

A federal law passed in the mid-1970s ended the practice of sending girls to reform school when their offenses, if they'd been committed by adults, would not be considered crimes. But their incarceration continued in Kansas until 1983. Now, troubled teenage girls are sent to community centers where they can get the help that they need.

In spite of its history, for some who stayed there, Beloit was a haven from abuse at home. "I will always believe that because of Beloit and the staff, I am where I am today," said a 50-year-old who is happily married with three children and counsels survivors of sexual abuse. "They saved the lives of unwanted children."

Source

Ask an Agnostic: I Cheated on My Husband and Feel Guilty

TresSugar — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 06:00:00 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. This week, a Christian woman who cheated on her husband feels guilty and needs advice; she'll get some from an agnostic. If you have a question, you can submit them here.

This week's question:

I have a confession to make: I'm having an affair. I'm a good woman, and I do love my husband very deeply but I have a problem with being alone and he is not here. I have always had a problem with cheating and I have never been faithful in a relationship. I recently ended the affair but the guilt is killing me and I don't know what to do, especially as a Christian woman.

Signed,
Guilty as Sin

To hear what an agnostic has to say, read more

Dear Guilty,

I don't know what to tell you "as a Christian woman," as I am an agnostic woman and religion doesn't factor into my life, but I will tell you what I know about cheaters and cheating. It may not assuage your guilt, but perhaps it will help you to figure out why you continue to sabotage your relationships and undermine your self-esteem, and hopefully it will get you into therapy or counseling to get to the bottom of why you keep stepping out on people you say you love so deeply.

I have a theory about cheaters: they don't feel too good about themselves. I've heard many justifications for cheating, and they all seem to be variations on the theme of, "I'm being cheated, so I have a free pass to cheat." Let's say they feel cheated because they're not being paid attention to by their partner. Instead of expressing this to the partner and seeing how they can remedy it to their mutual satisfaction (or, if there's no remedy, to get the hell out of the relationship), they grab onto what they can to fill that void, their partner be damned. It's a passive-aggressive act that seems to say, "I am too powerless (or chicken) to directly confront this head-on, so I will get what I can on the down-low."

Or let's say they're jealous of their partner, who might be more successful, happier or have more sexual experience than they. Cheating for them accomplishes two things. Out of resentment that life hasn't given them what they wanted, and out of a feeling of egoic deficiency - they get a quick fix of attention from another person (filling a void inside by outside validation), and they secretly punish their partner for having what they don't.

You say you've never been faithful in a relationship, so although you almost blame your husband for your cheating ("he is not here"), you also admit you are the one with the problem. This is a good first step. So what to do now? There are two schools of thought about what you should do if you've cheated and stopped.

One school says that to tell the person you cheated on would be selfish; all it would accomplish is to put your burden on them. This school of thought says you should just suck it up and vow to yourself you'll never do it again. Another school says that you must come clean and give the other person a chance to decide whether or not they want to forgive you or work on the relationship with you.

This is a personal decision I can't make for you. For me, cheating is an (almost) irreparable act of contempt for the person you're in a relationship with. If it happened to me, I would want to have the chance to determine whether or not the person who did it was a) truly sorry, and b) sure it wouldn't happen again. I don't think I'd want someone of questionable ethics to decide on my behalf. Plus, I'd have more respect for someone who came clean even at the risk of losing the relationship.

What seems most important to me is that you figure out why, especially if you believe in the pretty rigid moral code of Christianity (especially when it comes to sexual matters), you keep on cheating? Maybe you are rebelling against this moral code. What do you lack within your marriage (but more importantly, within yourself) that you're getting from attention outside your marriage? (Maybe your husband travels a lot, leaving you alone. Lots of people are alone, though, without feeling empty inside. This is an important distinction.) Are you someone who doesn't feel comfortable confronting others, or asking for what you want? This "people-pleasing" attitude often means a lot of repressed anger, which can lead to cheating.

Whatever you decide to do, the first step I would recommend you take is to repair the relationship you have with yourself. If your actions don't square with your beliefs about right and wrong, you need to confront that first before you begin to heal your relationship with your husband. Hope that helps and good luck to you.