http://www.tressugar.com Smart. Sexy. Fun. en http://www.tressugar.com/2569078 <a href="http://www.tressugar.com/2569078"><img width=160 height=107 src='http://media.onsugar.com/files/upl1/0/3362/49_2008/6f33c969fa71f446_group.large.jpg'></div></a><p><span class="inline left"></span>How do you develop better self-esteem, self-confidence, and the ability to stand up for yourself? I have struggled with this all my life. I am horrible at saying no to people, and am really bad at sticking up for myself. Even if it's clear that I'm being mistreated or manipulated, I always just concede in order to keep the peace or to save the relationship; whether that be a friendship or a romantic relationship. I realize I do this and I realize it's resulted in me being pushed around and controlled, but I just don't know how to correct it. Any advice?</p> <p>[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be read more GROUP THERAPY, <a href="http://teamsugar.com/grouptherapy" rel="nofollow">click here</a> or submit your own question <a href="http://dearsugar.com/node/add/blog/grouptherapy" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">here</a>.]</p> <p><a href="http://www.gettyimages.com" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Source</a></p> http://www.tressugar.com/2569078#comment self love self-esteem Group Therapy grouptherapy Love & Sex confidence control Sat, 06 Dec 2008 10:00:00 -0800 http://www.tressugar.com/2569078 http://www.tressugar.com/1870201 <a href="http://www.tressugar.com/1870201"><img width=160 height=160 src='http://media.onsugar.com/files/upl1/0/3362/33_2008/stk68094cor.large.jpg'></div></a><p><span class="inline left"></span>You knew your fianc&eacute;’s mom had issues, but since you’ve started <a href="http://idosugar.com" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">wedding planning</a>, you’ve really been able to see her true colors. Now you’re in direct contact with her multiple times a week without your fianc&eacute; as a buffer. Would it be worse if . . .</p> <p>This: She somehow manages to make every aspect of planning about her? You’ve spent more time helping her find a dress than focusing on your own wedding gown! When you call her out on it, she only gets more outlandish. </p> <p>Or . . . </p> <p>That: She’s completely taken over all of the planning? You feel like you don't have a say in your own wedding and when you try to make a suggestion, she tells you that she's already taken care of it.</p> <p><a href="http://www.gettyimages.com" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Source</a></p> <!-- no strip poll --><form action="/1870201" method="post" id="epoll_view_voting"> <div><div class="poll"> <div class="vote-form"> <div class="choices"><div class="form-item"> <label>This or That: His Mom&#039;s a Diva or a Control Freak? </label> <div class="form-item"> <label for="id-0-1870201" class="option"><input type="radio" id="id-0-1870201" name="edit[choice]" value="0-1870201" class="form-radio" /> This - It’s all about her.</label> </div> <div class="form-item"> <label for="id-1-1870201" class="option"><input type="radio" id="id-1-1870201" name="edit[choice]" value="1-1870201" class="form-radio" /> That - It’s about you, but only as long as she approves it. </label> </div> </div> </div><input type="hidden" name="edit[nid]" id="edit-nid" value="1870201" /> <span class='button'><span><input class='fancybutton' type='submit' name="op" value="Vote" class="form-submit" /></span></span> </div><input type="hidden" name="edit[form_id]" id="edit-form_id" value="epoll_view_voting" /> </div> </div></form> <!-- no strip poll --> http://www.tressugar.com/1870201#comment Love and Sex Mother-In-Law Attitude Rude This or That frustration Control Tue, 19 Aug 2008 12:00:00 -0700 DearSugar http://www.tressugar.com/1870201 http://www.tressugar.com/1869744 <a href="http://www.tressugar.com/1869744"><img width=160 height=160 src='http://media.onsugar.com/files/upl1/0/3362/33_2008/you asked.large.jpg'></div></a><p><span class="inline left"></span>Dear Sugar, </p> <p>I have been with my boyfriend for two and a half years. We now live together and both work full-time jobs, do well financially, love to travel together, plan the future (marriage, home, kids) and according to our friends, we are a great couple. I'm 24 and he is 26 and we are happy, however I've been feeling more frustrated lately about certain things. We disagree about spending money. While we do have a joint account that we use for rent, bills, and groceries, we have separate accounts for our own needs. He doesn't spend much and does not see the value of anything material - he thinks shopping for expensive things is ridiculous and feels we can do more with our money than purchasing beautiful handbags, shoes and accessories. I love fashion and shopping. I have no debt and I pay my credit cards in full. There are times I need to rein in my self-control when I see something out of budget, but I never shop beyond my means.</p> <p>Another area is health. I am definitely careful about what I eat and have maintained a healthy weight since high school. I love chocolate, the occasional fries, and indulging when going out. He's the opposite. He wants to eat the healthiest foods at all times and never eats fried or fatty foods when we go out. If I cook something too high in butter or too salty, he asks if I will cook with less next time. He also pushes me to exercise so I can stay healthy. I take two to three workout classes a week, and I feel that is enough for me.</p> <p>Overall, he just wants me to be the best I can be. He's a very smart person with three degrees from Stanford and a great job. He loves his family, he's a good friend, and he truly does care about me; it's just that he is critical without realizing that what he says makes me feel pressure to be perfect. He really sees it as helping me, and always asks me to help him be better in any way.</p> <p>I want this relationship to work. I've thought about breaking up, but I break down just thinking about it - I love him a lot and I know he loves me too. Is there any way to make this work? What should I do? - Feeling the Pressure Pamela </p> <p>To see DearSugar's answer, read more.</p> <p>Dear Feeling the Pressure Pamela, </p> <p>I don't blame you for questioning your relationship. As we all know, no one is perfect, so when you're dating someone that wants you to be just that, it can feel incredibly overwhelming, even leaving you critical of yourself for no good reason. Everyone has different opinions on materialism, but the fact of the matter is you're entitled to do whatever you please with your own money. If you're paying your bills on time, and not dipping into your shared account or retirement funds, I don't see what the problem is. Treating yourself to nice things, if you can afford them, is perfectly normal if you ask me. </p> <p>My concern here, Pamela, is your boyfriend's issues with control. It's very clear from his strict eating/working out regimen that he's disciplined and he's trying to push you to be the same way. Giving into your vices every once in a while is healthy - that's what makes life fun! </p> <p>If you want this relationship to work, he must understand how you feel and what it is that makes you tick. Having such a controlling boyfriend will only lead to greater problems down the road so it's imperative to get to the bottom of these issues sooner than later. If your likes and dislikes stray too far from one another, this relationship just might not be the right fit. While love is extremely important, compatibility is really what it takes to have a successful relationship. Good luck.</p> <p><a href="http://www.gettyimages.com" target="_blank">Source</a></p> http://www.tressugar.com/1869744#comment Love and Sex Weight Relationships Advice You Asked pressure Control Mon, 18 Aug 2008 06:00:00 -0700 DearSugar http://www.tressugar.com/1869744 http://www.tressugar.com/1793560 <a href="http://www.tressugar.com/1793560"><img width=160 height=120 src='http://media.onsugar.com/files/upl1/0/3362/29_2008/dv2051012.large.jpg'></div></a><p><span class="inline left"></span>Relationships are all about <a href="http://dearsugar.com/tag/sharing" target="_blank">sharing</a>, from feelings to responsibilities. But some things are not as easily shared as others, like driving. I’ve found that many individuals in relationships consider themselves a better driver than their counterpart so much so that they either demand to be the driver or won’t allow their significant other to drive their car. And all the way on the other end of the spectrum, there are the couples who argue over who should have to drive because neither wants to. Sure, it’s just driving, but I think it’s also an issue of control. So how do you and your boyfriend divvy up the driving? And who’s the better driver? </p> <p><a href="http://www.gettyimages.com" target="_blank">Source</a></p> http://www.tressugar.com/1793560#comment Love and Sex Driving Sharing Car Relationship Protocol Couples Control Mon, 21 Jul 2008 08:00:00 -0700 DearSugar http://www.tressugar.com/1793560 http://www.tressugar.com/1696502 <a href="http://www.tressugar.com/1696502"><img width=106 height=160 src='http://media.onsugar.com/files/upl1/0/3362/24_2008/200211960-001.large.jpg'></div></a><p><span class="inline left"></span>Dear Sugar, </p> <p>Over the years, I've gotten to know my husband's best friend and really come to think of him as a good friend of mine. He started dating his current girlfriend about two years ago, and they have been off and on since. From day one, she has been rude, condescending, and spiteful towards me. She seems to try to align herself with my husband and say petty things about me. </p> <p>It came to a head a couple of weeks ago when she thought I uninvited her to a cocktail party we were throwing. In actuality she was complaining so much about coming that I just said she didn't have to come if she didn't want to. Since our little argument, she won't let me come over or talk to my friend at all. </p> <p>I've tried to extend the olive branch and asked if we can meet up and discuss things, but she keeps postponing. He won't talk to me, and I feel horrible for this rift in my husband's and his friendship! We don't think she's a good person; she's manipulative and only looks out for herself. I feel like his is a friendship worth saving, for both my husband and me, but I don't know how. Please help!</p> <p>-Unwelcome Willa</p> <p>To see DearSugar's answer, read more.</p> <p>Dear Unwelcome Willa, </p> <p>It does sound as if your friend's girlfriend has a very controlling streak, but unfortunately, there's very little you can do if this is the woman your friend has chosen to be with. I think trying to sit down and talk to her is a good idea in theory, but it's unlikely that her feelings toward you are suddenly going to change, especially if she's gone so far as to cut you out of your friend's life. But if you need to talk to her, and she just won't comply, go ahead and try writing her an email or letter. Just giving your opinion may not change her mind, but it might make <i>you</i> feel a little better. </p> <p>As far as your friendship is concerned, I understand the guilt you feel over complicating your husband's relationship, but do keep in mind that while she might be manipulative, your friend is still going along with her demands no matter how unreasonable they may be. He's made a choice to stay in that relationship, while you and your husband are simply bystanders to her game of control. If your husband is concerned about his friendship then I think <i>he</i> needs to speak to his friend. In the meantime, stay polite, but maintain your distance. Hopefully your friend will figure out what's going on sooner rather than later.</p> <p><a href="http://www.gettyimages.com" target="_blank">Source</a></p> http://www.tressugar.com/1696502#comment Love and Sex Conflict Advice You Asked Friendship Anger Control Tue, 10 Jun 2008 17:00:00 -0700 DearSugar http://www.tressugar.com/1696502 http://www.tressugar.com/1055793 <a href="http://www.tressugar.com/1055793"><img src='http://media.onsugar.com/files/upl1/0/3362/21_2008/control.large.jpg'></div></a><p><span class="inline left"></span>For me, the feeling of being out of control is one of the worst feelings in the world. I wouldn't call myself a control freak per se; I just don't like surprises! Unfortunately, some people view control freaks in a negative light- calling them power trippers and know-it-alls - but I don't consider it a personality flaw in the slightest. Control freaks get the job done, and they are perfectionists who always have their Ts crossed and their Is dotted - what's so bad about that? So ladies, where do you fall in the control department? Would you consider yourself a control freak? </p> <p><a href="http://www.gettyimages.com" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Source</a></p> <!-- no strip poll --><form action="/1055793" method="post" id="epoll_view_voting"> <div><div class="poll"> <div class="vote-form"> <div class="choices"><div class="form-item"> <label>Dear Poll: Are You a Control Freak?</label> <div class="form-item"> <label for="id-0-1055793" class="option"><input type="radio" id="id-0-1055793" name="edit[choice]" value="0-1055793" class="form-radio" /> Yes, I'm a total control freak; I can't help it!</label> </div> <div class="form-item"> <label for="id-1-1055793" class="option"><input type="radio" id="id-1-1055793" name="edit[choice]" value="1-1055793" class="form-radio" /> No, I'm way too laid back to be a control freak.</label> </div> <div class="form-item"> <label for="id-2-1055793" class="option"><input type="radio" id="id-2-1055793" name="edit[choice]" value="2-1055793" class="form-radio" /> Other - Please explain in the comments below.</label> </div> </div> </div><input type="hidden" name="edit[nid]" id="edit-nid" value="1055793" /> <span class='button'><span><input class='fancybutton' type='submit' name="op" value="Vote" class="form-submit" /></span></span> </div><input type="hidden" name="edit[form_id]" id="edit-form_id" value="epoll_view_voting" /> </div> </div></form> <!-- no strip poll --> http://www.tressugar.com/1055793#comment Love and Sex Dear Poll personality traits Control Power Wed, 21 May 2008 16:00:00 -0700 DearSugar http://www.tressugar.com/1055793 http://www.tressugar.com/1060934 <a href="http://www.tressugar.com/1060934"><img src='http://media.onsugar.com/files/upl0/0/3362/08_2008/skd260277sdc.large.jpg'></div></a><p>My best friend recently met a guy through an online dating site. I've met him just once; I invited her to a concert, and she invited him along without telling me. They were upset with each other that night, and I offered to cut the night short, since it was uncomfortable to sit through a concert while they were both so angry. (She confided that he was getting kicked out of his college because he had so many conflicts with other students there.) Apparently he took an instant dislike to me, and forbid her to ever see or contact me again. I am in no way a bad influence: I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, eat red meat, or sleep around. </p> <p><span class="inline left"></span>He made her take down all of her networking websites, put her on his cell phone plan, and even moved in with her. Obviously, this guy is trying his hardest to isolate her. When I tried to connect the dots for her, she told me I was being a bad friend. She said she didn't want to lose me, but will only see me if he's not around, and won't ever pick up my phone calls. </p> <p>I haven't heard from her except for an email engagement announcement that she sent to all her contacts. I care about her, and I can clearly see this is heading down an unhealthy path (they've only been dating for 3 months), but I'm also angry that she would treat me like this. I'm not even sure I could trust her friendship if we were to work through this. Any suggestions? Should I just give up on her?</p> <p>[<b>EDITOR'S NOTE:</b> To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click <a href="http://teamsugar.com/grouptherapy" rel="nofollow">here</a>]</p> <p><a href="http://legacycreative.gettyimages.com/source/home/home.aspx" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Source</a></p> http://www.tressugar.com/1060934#comment friendship loss grouptherapy new boyfriend hurt control Thu, 21 Feb 2008 14:00:00 -0800 http://www.tressugar.com/1060934 http://www.tressugar.com/994044 <a href="http://www.tressugar.com/994044"><img width=160 height=160 src='http://media.onsugar.com/files/upl0/0/3362/05_2008/stk61793cor.large.jpg'></div></a><p><span class="inline left"></span>Dear Sugar,</p> <p>My girlfriend visits your site constantly, so I figured this might be a way to reach out to her. We recently moved in together after dating for four years, and I soon noticed how out of whack her eating and exercising habits are. I never said anything before because I figured she had been this way behind closed doors for a while, and while I knew she was health conscious she's taken it to a whole other level. She is about 5'4" and weighs 106 lbs. She works out every single day for at least 60-70 minutes (mostly running on the treadmill or using the elliptical trainer; always lots of cardio), and she really limits what she eats. She eats the same foods all the time. Dry cereal, fruits/vegetables, salads, nuts, and occasionally a serving of rice or pasta. What's become most concerning is her recent obsession with the scale. She weighs herself religiously, at least four or five times a day, stressing and crying if she gains just two or three pounds of water weight. I worry that this will begin to affect her work life as well as her personal life since she rarely goes out with friends anymore. My real question is what should I do about this? Does she have an eating disorder? Should I confront her? I have tried to address this in the past, but she always gets defensive and storms out. I am not the only one who has noticed her recent weight loss, and I could really use some help in making my next move. I love her and I do not want to see her suffer, so any advice will be much appreciated.<br /> - Concerned Conner</p> <p>To see Dear Sugar's answer read more</p> <p>Dear Concerned Conner, </p> <p>Since I am not a doctor I don't want to diagnose your girlfriend but it's very clear she has some serious control issues about her weight. <a href="http://dearsugar.com/435906" target="_blank">Eating disorders</a> are very serious illnesses that need to be treated just like any other disease so I'm glad that she's no longer able to hide her unhealthy relationship with food and exercise, even though I'm sure it's very scary to see.</p> <p>When your weight takes over your life, which in this case it clearly has, it's time to get help. Since she got defensive once before, you're going to have to proceed with caution. Talk to her in a safe environment and let her know how worried you are about her in a loving and supportive manner. Witnessing someone suffering from an eating disorder can make you have your own feelings of guilt, anxiety, and confusion, but know that no matter how hard you try, the decision to stop this behavior is ultimately up to her. Feel good about being there for her and doing everything you can to help. Thankfully there are great resources out there that offer you both support. Check out the <a href="http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/p.asp?WebPage_ID=347" target="_blank">National Eating Disorders Association</a>, <a href="http://www.something-fishy.org/" target="_blank">Something Fishy</a>, or <a href="http://www.anad.org/" target="_blank">Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders</a>'s websites to ask questions and gain support.</p> <p>Letting go of the control your girlfriend has established is going to be hard to do, but it is possible with a lot of hard work and a great support system. Talk to her friends and family, ask them to do their part in helping her and hopefully she'll want to change her ways. Be aware that she might be angry with you for trying to help her, but at the end of the day, she's very lucky to have such a loving and supportive person in her life. I wish her luck. </p> <p><a href="http://legacycreative.gettyimages.com/source/home/home.aspx" target="_blank">Source</a></p> http://www.tressugar.com/994044#comment Love and Sex Relationships You Asked eating disorder Control Tue, 29 Jan 2008 03:00:00 -0800 DearSugar http://www.tressugar.com/994044 http://www.tressugar.com/558150 <a href="http://www.tressugar.com/558150"><img width=160 height=144 src='http://media.onsugar.com/files/users/1/12981/34_2007/sad_0.large.jpg'></div></a><p>Dear Sugar--</p> <p>You would think I would know these things by now but I'm very confused. Maybe this is the way relationships are supposed to be. But I don't think so. I think I'm in a very abusive relationship and I don't know how to get out.</p> <p><span class="inline left"></span>I've been engaged for 3 years, and I've never met my fiance's family, and I'm not allowed to speak to his friends, or be at the house when someone is there. He has everything in my name such as his cars, houses, utilities, cable, phone, gas, groceries, etc. He has never paid for one thing since we've been together. He works all the time but he never has any money. He forced me to buy a home that I can't afford and now I have all these credit card bills because he keeps charging to them. I'll call and cancel them and he calls and re-instates them.</p> <p>He calls me names like you b*tch, c*nt, whore, and combinations of other vile disgusting things. He tells me I'm a black hole and that NO man would ever want me. I used to let it all slide and then I started arguing back, but it just makes it worse. He makes me feel like I bring this on myself. </p> <p>He always accuses me of inquiring about his bank accounts which I never have, in fact this happened today. He called out "God make her stop," and "don't let her say another word, she is a liar," and "I can't hear anymore." I said again, "you are wrong I haven't lied to you. I did not inquire or look at your account." We were sitting in the middle of an intersection and he started throwing this tantrum, banging on the door and the dashboard, throwing his food at me, calling me names. He broke my console and then jumped out of the car while telling me he hated me and that I was a disgusting b*tch! </p> <p>I grew up with an abusive father and I've been putting up with his for years. Why can't I see that he is using me and why can't I leave? I feel like I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. I'm not crazy, this is abuse right?</p> <p>--Can't Take it Anymore Carla</p> <p>To see DEARSUGAR's answer read more</p> <p>Dear Can't Take it Anymore Carla--</p> <p>My heart is breaking just reading this. Honey, your man is controlling and yes, this <b>is</b> an abusive relationship. He doesn't have to be physically hurting you in order for it to qualify as "abuse." Abuse is about one person dominating the other, and all that you've explained above shows that your boyfriend is trying to control you and everything you do. He's taking advantage of your kindness and damaging your heart and self-esteem.</p> <p><a href="/506693" >Emotional abuse</a> does NOT belong in any relationship. You should be free to see who you want, go where you want, and not have to answer to him or pay his bills. All this awful name calling is about him trying to make you feel bad about yourself, but don't let him. You are a strong, smart, and caring person who deserves to be in a relationship with someone who loves, and above all, respects you!</p> <p>I fear that things will only get worse, so you <b>must</b> get out of this relationship, ASAP. You've got to leave him any way you can. Go and stay with a trusted family member or friend so you are not going through this alone. You can also get information and support by calling the <a href="/410420" >National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224.</a> Please take care of yourself before he really hurts you.</p> <p><a href="http://creative.gettyimages.com" target="_blank">Source</a></p> http://www.tressugar.com/558150#comment Love and Sex Abuse relationship Advice You Asked Emotional abuse Control Fri, 24 Aug 2007 17:00:00 -0700 DearSugar http://www.tressugar.com/558150 http://www.tressugar.com/506693 <a href="http://www.tressugar.com/506693"><img width=106 height=160 src='http://media.onsugar.com/files/users/1/12981/32_2007/sad.large.jpg'></div></a><p>Let me say this out loud - <b>Mental Abuse is STILL Abuse</b>. A person does not have to hit you or hurt you physically in order for it to constitute as abuse. </p> <p><span class="inline left"></span>Someone who is emotionally abusive often feels worthless themselves, and uses their relationships to create a feeling of personal power and control over someone else. </p> <p>Relationships should be about respect, and if you are being mistreated emotionally, it is wrong, and the relationship needs to end ASAP. Emotional abuse can take on many shapes and you may be in an <a href="http://www.ndvh.org/educate/what_is_dv.html" target="_blank">emotionally abusive relationship</a> if your partner:</p> <ul> <li>Calls you names, insults you, or constantly criticizes you</li> <li>Doesn't trust you, or acts jealous or possessive</li> <li>Tries to isolate you from your family or friends</li> <li<Monitors where you go, who you call, and who you spend your time with</li> <li>Doesn't want you to work, get an education, or do the things that you love</li> </ul> <p>Want to see the rest? Then read more</p> <p>An emotionally abusive partner may also:</p> <ul> <li>Control finances, or refuse to share money</li> <li>Make all the decisions</li> <li>Punish you by withdrawing love or affection</li> <li>Expect you to ask permission</li> <li>Threaten to hurt you, your children, your family, your friends, or your pets</li> <li>Humiliate or embarrass you in any way</li> </ul> <p><b>Dear's Advice:</b> If even one of these sounds familiar to you or to someone you know, you can get more information or support by calling the <a href="/410420" >National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224.</a></p> <p><a href="http://creative.gettyimages.com" target="_blank">Source</a></p> http://www.tressugar.com/506693#comment Love and Sex Insult National Domestic Violence Hotline Emotional abuse Control Power humiliate Thu, 09 Aug 2007 15:00:00 -0700 DearSugar http://www.tressugar.com/506693