TresSugar

Group Therapy: Is Love at 23 too Young?

Fri, 12 Dec 2008 04:00:00 -0800

I have been dating my boyfriend for two and a half years. I'M completely love him and we plan on marriage in our future, the only problem is I do miss being single sometimes and enjoy flirting with other guys. I have not, and would not cheat, but the attention from other men still interests me. Will that ever go away? Is this a sign that he's not the right one for me?

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Dear Poll: Do You Get Lost Easily?

DearSugar — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 08:00:00 -0700

A sense of direction really comes in handy when you’re trying to navigate anywhere new. But unfortunately, not all of us have a natural knack for knowing where we are or getting where we’re going - some people have a propensity to always get lost, even with directions! There’s nothing like being stuck in the car for an hour circling the same streets to ruin a person’s mood. So ladies, does this sound like you? Are you easily lost?

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Group Therapy: What Do My Feelings Mean?

Sun, 05 Oct 2008 11:00:00 -0700

I've been engaged for six months now. My fiance is almost faultless. He's attractive, tall, funny, kind, and compassionate. He makes me smile and has changed so many things about himself in the past year to make himself even more amazing. He works so hard on self-improvement; it's actually very inspirational. I love being with him and my family adores him. Before him I was in a relationship that ended unexpectedly and left me numb. I was in bed for months. I was literally thrown away without explanation. What made it worse was that we were engaged, and trying for a baby. It totally destroyed my confidence in myself and it took me forever to move on.

At first I was fine in my current relationship, but now I find myself dwelling on the past and using it as a reason to push him away. I pick fights, I don't kiss him enough, and I'll literally push him away from me. I know I'm stingy when it comes to how often we make love. The other day, mid-session, I actually pushed him off me and told him not to touch me. I don't know what on earth is possessing me to act like this all of a sudden, because I know I'm not like this.

Every time I think of breaking up with him or we argue, I am in a flood of tears. I feel sick at the thought of not having him in my life. We had only three arguments and in each one I'm the one left devastated by my actions.
I'm not afraid of being single or alone; I actually enjoy my own space and time so I'm definitely not using him for company. So what's wrong with me? Do I still love him? Why is it so hard for me to kiss him?

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Group Therapy: My Marriage Has Me Confused

Sun, 21 Sep 2008 11:00:00 -0700

I've been married for almost three years now. I met my husband at work, and we got engaged after knowing each other for about a month or two, and were married a few months after that. At the time most people were shocked that things moved so quickly, but I wouldn't listen to anybody. I was overwhelmed by new feelings and sensations since I'd never been with anyone before. I was extremely interested in sex, and we did fool around, even though I believed anything sexual before marriage was wrong. But he was a total sweetheart and we were really good friends, so I didn't see what could go wrong.

As it turned out that he was totally new at anything sex-related, but I didn't know that then. So our encounters after the wedding were anything but satisfying, since I knew a lot about my body and how to make it feel good but he didn't. And neither of us were good at communicating anything. I didn't give up though, but he wasn't really interested in it as much as I was so I got tired of feeling disappointed and eventually just quit trying. It only took a few weeks for sex to completely drop off the map, and now years have gone by and I can't really feel sexually attracted to him anymore. He almost feels like a sibling or a child to me. I do care for him, but isn't there more to a marriage than that?

I am afraid I have grown to resent him. I really feel like I am missing something in my life and have started to hate the the idea that I am attached to another person forever. But he loves me unconditionally and says he only wants to be with me. I know we rushed into it too fast, but I don't know whether getting a divorce will just make me more depressed than ever, or if it will really make me feel free again. I have thought about "starting over" with him, but in the end I'm not sure that's what I want. What should I do? Does anyone have any advice?

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Group Therapy: Should I Even Be Maid of Honor?

Fri, 08 Aug 2008 03:00:00 -0700

My best friend and I have been friends for many years now. Over the past three years we have grown apart, but remain friends because we've always been friends. She's not someone you can openly talk to about an issue, because if you do, she will "make up" with you and then be twice as vindictive later.

Recently, she got engaged and has asked me to be her maid of honor. Since then, she has done a few things I find hurtful, like get her wedding dress without me - I really don't care what dress she gets, but being there for that moment is something I wanted to do - and she has planned all other aspects of the big day without my input. I only hear what's been planned through others. I try to call her to do things like go wedding shopping, and she repeatedly turns me down. I offer my help and send her all sorts of ideas with no response. What is the point of being her maid of honor? I don't feel wanted. Should I take myself out of the wedding?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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Group Therapy: I'm Confused About His Fetish

Mon, 19 May 2008 03:00:00 -0700

My fiancé of two years - we've been together three years, and plan on marrying next July - admitted to me that he has a foot fetish, something I was really pleased he felt comfortable enough to tell me. I've done my best to be supportive and try to incorporate this into our sex life, and he says he's happy with things. But I've recently discovered that he's talking online to a woman running a foot fetish site (she puts pics of her feet and shoes online for men). If he was just looking at the site it wouldn't bother me, but I found out that he's talking to her about his preferences and our relationship, which I don't like at all.

He was talking to her about fantasies that he's never spoken to me about. I've made it clear to him from the beginning that I don't have a problem with looking at pictures, but a personal connection with someone is cheating in my book. In one online conversation he said he'd pay to see her feet and to tie her sister up (it's not as creepy as it sounds as its part of the service she offers) and it seriously bothers me. Am I being too sensitive about it? How do I talk to him about it? I've broached the subject and told him how strongly I feel about him talking to her, but now he's deleting the conversations and password protecting his computer, so I don't know whether he's stopped or not. I love him, and he loves me, but I can't spend my life pretending I don't know this is going on.

I'm not jealous, but I find myself always wondering what's going on. How can I fix this? I want to go back to just trusting him and knowing that he loves me. He gets upset when we talk about it because he says he feels like I don't trust him, but he's doing all of this behind my back - talking to her, buying shoes (with our money!), and goes out of his way to hide it all from me - doesn't it sound like I have grounds to wonder what's going on? What can I do?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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You Asked: Should I Stay With Someone I Don't Love?

DearSugar — Thu, 01 May 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

A few months ago, I got out of a long-term relationship and started dating again. After the breakup, a lot of my friends chose to side with my ex over me, and I have had increasing financial and professional problems ever since. Under all of this stress, I started going out with my current boyfriend. He is smart, good looking, funny, and generally a perfect guy to date. At first I would get all the fireworks feelings when I was with him, but by now I just don't know if I'm ever going to be in love with him.

Usually by this point in a relationship I would have fallen head over heels, but I just don't feel that way. We talked about this yesterday, and he feels the same way I do. I really do enjoy his company, love spending time with him, and appreciate having someone here for me at a rough time in my life. Should I continue to date him and just enjoy the time we spend together, or should I leave and really search for my true love?

- Not in Love Leslie

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Not in Love Leslie,

If you really are looking for your true love, then staying in a relationship with a man you're confident you will never be in love with doesn't make much sense to me. It's great to hear that you've both shared your feelings on this topic and remain open with each other regarding your intentions. Obviously you're in need of a friend right now, and it sounds like this guy might just be the perfect friend for you. If he's willing, I would suggest taking a step back from dating and focus on what could be a really great friendship.

When we meet new people, it's normal to put them into a certain category - friend, foe, acquaintance, romantic interest, etc. - and once they're there, it's hard to move them around. But just as sometimes a friend turns out to be something more, a love interest can be a better buddy than significant other. With that thought, don't simply use him for companionship in the meantime, but take this opportunity to build something you both can rely on in the future.

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You Asked: Why Am I Looking Back?

DearSugar — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I'm 21 and about to graduate college, unsure of what's next. I've been planning to move to New York to find a job in publishing (like every other English major), and my boyfriend (who graduated last year, who I've been dating for about 14 months) is looking for an apartment there as well, though we are not planning on living together.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about my old high school boyfriend - the one I dumped on a whim right before leaving for college. I spoke to him briefly about six months ago and I really missed him, except I don't know whether I miss him or the idea of him. I know this sounds crazy, but should I try getting back in touch with him? Is it worth pursuing, or am I so brainwashed by romantic comedies that I'm ignoring reality? This isn't the first time I've missed him, but I'm confused how my feelings play into my current relationship. Is this a sign that things aren't working out? My boyfriend is sweet and so loving, and we have a lot of fun together, but we've also been fighting a lot, and I can't get my ex out of my head. - Old Love Lilly

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Old Love Lilly,

Graduating from college and making your first step into the adult world can be very overwhelming, and it's not uncommon for people to hold onto their pasts for security. Sure, romantic comediess make reuniting with an old love seem like the perfect fairytale ending, but sometimes that's not very realistic. If you can't get this guy out of your head, I say reach out to him. Find out if it's the thought of him that's making you doubt your future or if there's really something there, but realize this could end up hurting your current relationship.

The fact that you're fighting with your boyfriend shouldn't make you run - remember a little fighting is perfectly normal. Put your situation in context - you're moving, you're graduating from college, and you're trying to start your career. Those are three major life changing events, so it's no wonder you're a little unsettled. Try not to read too far into things right now but at the same time, listen to your instincts. I wish you luck.

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You Asked: Am I Being Played For a Fool?

DearSugar — Thu, 31 Jan 2008 17:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

To make a long story short, I have been in an on again/off again relationship with a former colleague for years. We go to events together, date, kiss, etc, but there's no real commitment. He knows that I've decided to remain a virgin until marriage, so this is not just his scheme to get laid. A friend of mine decided that she wanted some answers, and she approached him to ask about our relationship. He didn't know that she was my close friend, and he revealed to her that he is not at all interested in having a relationship with me. So why do I still care so much? Every time I try to back off, he just pulls me in again. I'm so confused.

- Feeling Used Felicity

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more

Dear Feeling Used Felicity,

You still care about this person because you're human, and while rationally you might know that having feelings for him is a bad idea, it doesn't mean your heart has realized that yet. It takes time to break away from someone, but in this case, that's what you have to do. Though I don't know the details of your history together, this guy sounds like a charmer to me, which means that he reels you in not because he has any intention of commitment, but because he likes the comfort of always having you there. Even if you're not having sex, he's still getting something out of this and you're just getting a broken heart.

If you continue to let him, this guy will try to pull you in over and over again. You just have to put your foot down, and remind yourself that you deserve that commitment that you're looking for. Once you make the break you'll be able to open yourself up to all sorts of new possibilities. I know this will be difficult, but it'll be worth it. Good luck.

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You Asked: Am I Just Using Him?

DearSugar — Mon, 04 Jun 2007 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar--

I met a nice guy. He's sweet, attentive, reliable, funny, intelligent etc. We've recently started being physical in the relationship. My issue is with that I'm worried that I'm just enjoying the physical part of the relationship and not the emotional connection. Three years ago, I met a nice guy and we were also physical early into our relationship, but that was the only thing doing it for me with him, and I didn't really feel him as a long term perspective man in my life. I
stayed in the relationship, enjoying the physical part of it and even thought that I loved him. But six months later, I ended up hurting him by breaking up with him.

I didn't feel any pain after the break up as I knew that there was nothing else in the relationship for me other than sex. I feel like I used him. Now I want to make sure that I'm not doing the same thing with this new guy cause I really do like him and care about him. I keep thinking that maybe I should stop being physical with him to break my pattern. I know that I'm not using him in the same way I used my ex, but I sometimes think about it and worry that I will.

Should I tell him that we should stop the physical until I'm sure about how I feel and tell him about what happened in the past? I don't want to rattle our relationship since it is progressing well at the moment. --Feeling Guilty Fiona

To see DEARSUGAR's answer read more

Dear Feeling Guilty Fiona ---

In relationships, it is important to have both the physical and emotional connection with your partner, which it sounds like you have with the man you are currently dating, so are you sure you aren't being too critical of yourself? Before your ex, did you have other relationships that were purely physical as well? While it is perfectly acceptable to have some relationships that are considered mere flings, (as long as your are safe), you're right, it isn't a good pattern to get accustomed to.

Relationships are built on trust and honesty, so if you are worried about falling back into an old bad habit, talk to your boyfriend and tell him your concerns. Maybe taking a few steps back will help you work on your relationship with your heart rather than your libido.

Have you ever thought about talking to someone about your tendency to push the sexual aspect of your relationship harder than the emotional? Are you trying to avoid getting close to someone or have you had a bad sexual experience in your past? Being able to fully trust and commit yourself won't happen overnight, so take baby steps to open yourself up emotionally, and who knows, you might surprise yourself. Good luck!

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