TresSugar

Group Therapy: I'm Having Problems With My Roommate

Tue, 21 Oct 2008 03:00:00 -0700

My roommate kicked me out on October 1st over an argument. I had already paid rent until the end of the month so I told her I would be out on the 24th. Now she is telling me I can't enter the house to get my things unless she is there, even though I still have a key and technically still live there until the end of the month. Can she legally tell me I can't enter unless she is there? My name isn't on the contract. It was just a agreement between the two of us, though all the utilities are in my name. How should I handle this?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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You Asked: My Parents Hate My Boyfriend

DearSugar — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

For the past two years, I've been dating a 28-year-old man who has two kids; I'm 22. Things have been difficult from the start because my parents, who love me dearly, do not approve of my boyfriend. They want me to graduate from college, get a job, and have an amazing future. To them, that also means finding a different man to be with; they are not OK with the fact that he never went to college and has two children.

Things eventually got so bad that I moved out of their house and went to live with my boyfriend. Now I have a lot of feelings of guilt in regards to my parents. Before I moved out they were paying for college, my car, and things like books and gas. I'm an excellent student, but I decided to take this semester off because I am so exhausted. My parents are adamant that I go back to school, but they said they are not willing to help me financially unless I break up with my boyfriend and move back home.

Needless to say, my parents are something my boyfriend and I argue about. One time during a bad argument, he called my dad and started swearing at him on the phone. Since then my dad has told me that he'll never accept my boyfriend. My mom is also worried, and she's lost a lot of weight. I'm so torn; I don't know what to do. Please help!

- Disapproved of Deena

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Disapproved of Deena,

It certainly sounds like there's more than a healthy amount of stress surrounding your relationship, and I'm sorry to hear that it's having such a terrible effect on your family. I'm glad that you realize that your parents are looking out for your well-being, and honestly, I think it's normal for parents to worry if their child has temporarily abandoned college to live with a man already burdened with responsibilities of fatherhood. That said, their reactions sound very extreme, and I have to wonder if there's more to this story than meets the eye.

If you want your parents to take your relationship seriously, I think you need to take their concerns seriously. Sit down with them and discuss in no uncertain terms what their biggest issues are. If they're worried about the effect your boyfriend has had on your schooling, then prove to them that you will enroll next semester with the intention of going full-time until graduation, and consider moving into your own apartment.

If their issues specifically revolve around your boyfriend's character, then I advise to you contemplate their concerns closely. It's possible they're being irrational, and if that's the case, you can feel confident that being with your boyfriend is the right decision. But it's also very likely that their fears are legitimate, and you have to consider that, too. Unfortunately, in a situation like this one, it will be impossible to please both parties without compromising something in your own life. Now is the time to start making decisions that are best for your future.

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The How-To Lounge: Agreeing to Disagree

DearSugar — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 09:00:00 -0700

Even if you’re about as easy-going as they get, disagreements among friends, family, co-workers, or significant others are inevitable. Often, through numerous conversations and a lot of back and forth, a mutual consensus can be reached, but sometimes there’s no end in sight. But before you throw in the towel completely, I have a few tips for learning how to agree to disagree. To see them just read more.

The first and most important step is accepting the fact that you’re not going to be able to convince the other person to agree with you. You can’t reach the decision to disagree amicably without acknowledging that there’s nothing left you can do to convince the other side.
As part of accepting your differing views, you have to stop arguing. Unless you’re the type that gets a kick out of fighting, there’s really no point in going around in circles. If you find yourself in that cycle, don’t be afraid to stop it by simply acknowledging that neither party will ever completely agree.
Just because you’re openly acknowledging and accepting that you’re not going to agree, it doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t try compromising. Once you’ve made the resolution to accept your varied positions, it’s time to establish the middle ground.
Once you’ve decided to amicably disagree and focus instead on a compromise, give yourself time for some much-needed introspection. If your differing opinions are something you can’t get over, then perhaps there’s a bigger issue lurking that you need to deal with.

Some of the best relationships are built on differences, so don’t let an argument get in the way of a successful partnership.

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Where Do You Stand? Confrontation

DearSugar — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 13:00:00 -0700

In the world of friendships, it's impossible to get along all the time. When conflict inevitably arises, it can sometimes be easier to run the other direction than deal with it head on. Of course, we all know that communicating is the better option, but when you're afraid of confrontation that can be easier said than done. I hate fighting with someone I care about just like anyone else, but I'm of the mindset that it's better to talk it out - no matter what the circumstances are - than to let an argument fester, possibly to the point of no return. Are you the same way? If not, tell me, where you stand when it comes to confrontation.

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Handle This: She's Being Emotionally Abused

DearSugar — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 13:00:00 -0700

The new guy your best friend is seeing has rubbed you the wrong way from day one. You’ve always been nice to him, but you get a very sketchy and somewhat controlling vibe from him.

Most recently you witnessed some strange scenes between him and your friend where it seems he’s intentionally putting her down in a condescending manner. She’s taken to isolating herself, and you think there may be some emotional abuse going on. While it's technically none of your business, you don't want your friend to get hurt so how would you handle this?

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The How-To Lounge: Confrontation Via Email

DearSugar — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 10:00:00 -0700

When a conflict develops between two people, most of the time a direct conversation is the appropriate solution. But sometimes, such a direct approach is just too hard. When it comes to interpersonal issues, any communication is better than none, even if it's through the impersonal Internet. So if you're someone who'd rather bury your head in the sand than verbalize your concerns, or if you think a less explicit talking-to is necessary, then check out my tips for communication via email and read more.

Take advantage of the fact that you have the opportunity to think about what you want to say before you say it. Consider your words carefully, and make sure you're being clear.
Determine your real issues and be as concise as possible. Once you've figured out what you want to say, it's important to take your tone into account.
Remember in high school English how you learned all about writing essays and making points with evidence to back them up? Well, now you have another opportunity to put that to use. Don't just throw around accusations. If you're going to make a statement explicitly referencing someone's behavior, make sure you have an example - you only need one.
If possible, try to end your email on a positive note so that you can keep the lines of communication open. Ask the recipient for their feedback and sincerely invite them to comment on what you've written.
By all means, take the time to read over your email before sending it. Not only do you want to make sure that you're satisfied with what you've written, but it's best to avoid typos, too. And make sure you have the correct email address before you hit the send button!

One problem with an email is that the response can often take a significant amount of time, so remain patient and know that the ball is in their court.

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You Asked: How Do I Confront My Friend?

DearSugar — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

Recently I read the post about communicating with friends if a problem arises, and it got me thinking about my own situation. Right now I am torn as to whether or not I should confront my best friend from childhood. We've always been very close and open with one another, but as we are getting older, I have noticed some changes. Sometimes it seems like we're just growing into different people and I feel like we have very little in common these days.

Not too long ago we went to a BBQ together and she brought up something I had told her in confidence that was very personal and embarrassing in front of people I didn't know. I had had a few drinks and was so shocked by what she was saying that I took a passive approach to the situation and never said anything. The more I think about it, the more hurt I feel. I can't help but wonder why she would want to do something like that to me - it almost felt intentional. How should I confront her about this?

- Hurt Hailey

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Hurt Hailey,

I'm not sure why your friend broke your confidence by sharing a private story, but I think no matter the reason, it's worth talking to her about it. By remaining passive and letting your own feelings of hurt and betrayal grow, you're not doing anyone any favors. In the end, you'll only feel resentful and she won't understand why - it's definitely time to speak up.

If you approach her with the aim of confronting her, it's possible that she'll feel attacked and assume a defensive position. However, if you come to her as a friend who's feeling sad about something, it's likely that she'll listen to what you have to say and offer an explanation or apology. If it was an intentionally hurtful move on her part then I think you have some more serious issues to get through, and it may take more than one conversation. In any case, try to be direct, respectful, and honest. No matter what happens, at least you'll know that you tried your best to work things out.

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A Do or a Don't: Talking It Out With Your Friends

DearSugar — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 11:00:00 -0700

Whenever a problem should arise in a relationship, communication is nearly always the best method to finding the solution, but is that true for friendships as well? Friendships aren’t meant to be a challenge, so it seems almost counterintuitive to assume that there will be issues you have to work through, but as we all know, stuff does come up even between the best of friends. So when it does, do you just take the hands-off approach and let things work out (or not) naturally? Or do you think it’s best to apply those communication skills to your friendships, too?

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Group Therapy: Should I Even Be Maid of Honor?

Fri, 08 Aug 2008 03:00:00 -0700

My best friend and I have been friends for many years now. Over the past three years we have grown apart, but remain friends because we've always been friends. She's not someone you can openly talk to about an issue, because if you do, she will "make up" with you and then be twice as vindictive later.

Recently, she got engaged and has asked me to be her maid of honor. Since then, she has done a few things I find hurtful, like get her wedding dress without me - I really don't care what dress she gets, but being there for that moment is something I wanted to do - and she has planned all other aspects of the big day without my input. I only hear what's been planned through others. I try to call her to do things like go wedding shopping, and she repeatedly turns me down. I offer my help and send her all sorts of ideas with no response. What is the point of being her maid of honor? I don't feel wanted. Should I take myself out of the wedding?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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You Asked: I Think Porn Is Disgusting, But He Likes it

DearSugar — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,
Four months ago when my live-in boyfriend was out of town, I discovered that he had downloaded multiple videos of porn and has received numerous pictures of naked women from his male friends via email. I confronted him about it, and he sees nothing wrong with it. He said that he'd stop looking at them, but I know for a fact he's lying.

I have serious issues with pornography as an industry, and on principle alone I find porn disgusting. A person looking at videos of people having sex is something that is not acceptable to me. I am so upset that I'm ready to walk away. Am I completely wrong?

- Disgusted Deb

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Disgusted Deb,

Although some people take issue with porn, it is still very much a part of our society and is something that many men (and women) enjoy. Though you may find it revolting, having a boyfriend with a propensity to watch porn is not abnormal. As long as it's not interfering in a relationship, I don't think there's anything automatically wrong with it. But obviously, in this case, your feelings about porn make this a significant problem.

I'm glad to hear that you've talked to your boyfriend, and though it's disappointing that he lied to you about stopping, it's not all too surprising - I'd guess he's trying to avoid another argument. Next time, instead of confronting him, try simply revealing more of your feelings surrounding porn. Perhaps the more open the issue becomes, the less threatening you might find it to be. Otherwise, if you continue to feel as you do then only you can decide if staying in your relationship is worth it, but definitely give communication a try first.

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