TresSugar

Group Therapy: I Need a Confidence Boost

Sat, 06 Dec 2008 10:00:00 -0800

How do you develop better self-esteem, self-confidence, and the ability to stand up for yourself? I have struggled with this all my life. I am horrible at saying no to people, and am really bad at sticking up for myself. Even if it's clear that I'm being mistreated or manipulated, I always just concede in order to keep the peace or to save the relationship; whether that be a friendship or a romantic relationship. I realize I do this and I realize it's resulted in me being pushed around and controlled, but I just don't know how to correct it. Any advice?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be read more GROUP THERAPY, click here or submit your own question here.]

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Dear Poll: Does High Self-Esteem Equate Cockiness?

DearSugar — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 09:00:00 -0800

Last week I asked you to tell me if you have high self-esteem, and some of you that answered yes feel as though your confidence is easily confused with cockiness. I think that's a common misconception - that just because you're sure of yourself you're automatically arrogant or rude, when in fact, those two characteristics are completely different. So to all of you self-assured women out there, tell me, is your confidence often confused with cockiness?

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Dear Poll: Do You Have High Self-Esteem?

DearSugar — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 17:00:00 -0700

According to Merriam-Webster, self-esteem is defined as “a confidence and satisfaction in oneself." That sums it up, but I think it’s so much more. Self-esteem is about defining yourself outside of other’s perceptions. It’s about recognizing that you’re an imperfect person and that that’s OK. People with high self-esteem naturally make those around them feel more comfortable and confident, while persons with low self-esteem can easily end up closing themselves off from others. I know we all grapple with insecurities - that’s just part of being human - but would you say that you have high self-esteem?

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At What Age Did You Feel Most Confident?

DearSugar — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 16:00:00 -0700

It probably won't surprise you that most women feel their sexiest when they feel confident, but according to a recent article in the UK Telegraph, many women feel a lull of confidence at 44, which leads them to feel as though their life is over. The peak of female confidence is said to be between 18 and 30, but according to a recent survey, "the 30s can be a roller-coaster decade for women's confidence, which peaks again at 40 before drastically falling off."

Additionally, 80 percent of those that took the Bodyform Deo-Fresh poll for this study said they wanted to be more confident - again, not surprising - but even if you feel there's room for improvement, tell me, at what age did you feel most secure?

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Dear Poll: Do You Like to Stand Out in a Crowd?

DearSugar — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 16:00:00 -0700

I’m an observer by nature, but that's not to say I suddenly become shy in a group setting. In fact, I'm happy to be the leader of the pack now and then. Even so, the idea of having all eyes on me does send a shiver down my spine and get my heart racing. But some people are at their best when they can stand out in a crowd. Does that sound like you?

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You Asked: I'm Too Shy

DearSugar — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I'm a very shy girl who can't seem to strike up a conversation with anyone I don't already feel comfortable with. All of my friends are outgoing and carefree, and I cant even get a date to save my life! I've convinced myself that there is no one of the opposite sex that would possibly be interested in me, which in turn fuels my feelings of loneliness. I've tried to put myself out there but I don't know what else to do when I seriously lack confidence. How can I approach males without feeling like a complete idiot?

- Low Confidence Lila

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Low Confidence Lila,

I think you already know the answer to your question; it's time to get your confidence up and learn to like yourself, shyness and all! First things first, being shy is not the same as having low self-esteem, so learn to embrace your shy side. It's part of who you are and that's OK. But you can't just be a wallflower and expect the world to come to you. That's where the confidence comes in handy. Figure out how you want to be defined outside of "shy." Maybe you're a stellar baker or maybe you're more of the private artistic type, but whatever you are, embrace it.

If you start thinking of your unique characteristics as positive attributes, you may be surprised to find how quickly you start to feel better about yourself - confidence really is all about your state of mind, even if you have to fake it at first. Once you've got your head in the right place, try boosting your confidence through various solo activities. Do something you'd never thought you could, like eat out alone or join a running group. After all this, approaching a guy (or getting a guy to talk to you) will be no problem! Sure, it's going to take time, but just be patient because the rewards are worth it.

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The How-To Lounge: Giving a Lap Dance

DearSugar — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 16:00:00 -0700

Now, I don’t think that anyone should be rushing out and giving lap dances to random gents, but lap dances can be a sexy and fun way to spice up your foreplay. It can also be a serious treat for your man and a great way to take the initiative. To learn my tips, read more.

First and most important, act confident - even if you don’t feel it. Tell yourself that you’re the sexiest woman on the planet, and then act like you really believe it. It will make all the difference in the world.
Put on some music. Not only will the right song set the mood, but it’ll also give you some rhythm to move along with.
Don’t be afraid to tantalize him for a while without actually touching him directly. Move your body up and down in front of him, before straddling him with your legs.
Then use your upper body to roll into him and press up against him. You can even smack your bottom and smile at him - he'll never see it coming!
Finally, put his hands on your body while you run your hands through his hair. Lift off his shirt, and let your fingertips trail down his chest.

As always, have fun, and do what feels right for you!

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The How-To Lounge: Making a Difficult Decision

DearSugar — Tue, 27 May 2008 13:00:00 -0700

I consider decision making a skill that you have to hone, much like public speaking. No matter how smart, self-assured, or strong willed you may be, when it comes to confidently making a big decision, it requires an entirely different set of tactics. But fortunately, being more decisive is something that can be improved with just a little dedication and a lot of practice. If you find yourself more indecisive than not, just read more.

While some decisions can feel overwhelmingly momentous, unless you’re a surgeon or the president, it’s not a life or death matter so don’t approach it like that. Of course a major decision should be made seriously, but it’s OK to detach yourself from it a bit - it may help you to act more rationally.
As you’re working on changing the way you approach your choices, consider the fact that there probably isn’t a wrong choice. Certainly each has its positives and negatives, but in most scenarios a decision is simply a choice to do one thing over another, and not a matter of right or wrong.
With that said, some people do find comfort in creating a pro and con list to help look at their options more objectively. It can also be helpful to ask various people what they would do in your situation to explore every scenario. But remember, you have to make the final call, so use their thoughts as a tool, not as an answer.
Making a difficult choice can be rather terrifying, but don’t let fear hinder your decision-making abilities. As long as you embrace your decision whole heartedly, even if it turns out not as you'd hoped for, you’ll still come out on top.

Always keep in mind that indecision is a choice in and of itself, and though it may be the safe choice, it’s very rarely the right one!

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The How-To Lounge: Calling Someone You Don't Know

DearSugar — Mon, 19 May 2008 11:10:35 -0700

Whether it’s for work or personal reasons, calling someone you don’t know can be very intimidating. For whatever reason - perhaps because all of the normal body-language clues are removed - the phone seems to make even the most mundane conversations a little more awkward and uncomfortable. Fortunately, getting past the fear of the phone just takes some practice, so to learn some tips for calling someone new, read more.

Even though it’s only the first 30 seconds, the introduction is often the hardest part. My rule of thumb is to confirm you’re speaking to the right person, introduce yourself, and give your reason for calling. Keep it short and simple.
If you know the person through someone else, make sure to include that along with your name so they understand that you’re not just a random caller.
While I won't recommend that you write down everything you plan to say before you sit down and dial, if you're really nervous, it can help to jot down the first thing that you'll say, or any of the topics you need to cover. Even if you don't use it, it might make you feel more comfortable just knowing the cheat sheet. is there
Although small talk and pleasantries can be important when it comes to breaking the ice, they can also lead to awkward conversations and lingering silences, so it’s not a bad idea to leave them until the final moments of the call when you have more of a rapport.
Even if you’re keeping the small talk to a minimum, it’s still important to stay pleasant and kind throughout regardless of the person on the other end of the line. I always wait for the other person to finish talking before chiming in with my own thoughts, and I try to end the call with as sincere of a “thank you” or “it was great talking to you” that I can muster

Remember, practice makes perfect so don’t avoid making phone calls even when you don’t want to.

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Conversation Starters to Break the Ice Among Women

DearSugar — Thu, 15 May 2008 10:00:00 -0700

It’s easy to get that first-day-of-school nervousness all over again when you’re in a room full of unfamiliar women who all seem to know each other, which always seems to be the case when it comes to wedding celebrations like bridal showers and bachelorette parties. But breaking the ice one-liners aren’t just for the dating scene. I’ve come up with some first lines for getting the convo started on other occasions, too. To see them and add your own, read more.

”Hi. I’m DearSugar.” Probably the most direct and least used, it's just a basic introduction of yourself. It seems intimidating, but most people are receptive to a simple “hello.”
”How do you know the bride [or host]?” This is a great intro that opens up the door for all sorts of conversation.
”What do you think of the party?” It might sound cheesy, but asking such a simple question is actually an extremely easy way to make an introduction or carry on a conversation. Plus, if you're both having a miserable time, there's no better way to bond!
"Where are you from?" Even the most humble of us enjoy talking about ourselves every once and a while, and this is a great way to give someone the opportunity to.
”I’m the same way” or “I completely agree.” If you hear someone talking about something that you connect with, chime in. Women love to know that they’re surrounded by like-minded people.
”I love your blouse.” The compliment may seem a bit cliché, but there’s a reason why it’s an old standby - it works! A few words later, and you can segue into a more interesting topic.

These are just a few of many, and admittedly, they're playing it safe. But if you feel more daring, go for it and skip the awkward conversation starters all together. I know I’m leaving some out, so let me ask all of you: what lines do you use when trying to get to know other women?

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