TresSugar

You Asked: Why Do We Keep Fighting?

DearSugar — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have been together for four years. After much thought and discussion, we decided to move in together. The first month things seemed to be going very well. We had to make obvious adjustments to each other's lifestyles, but all in all, we seemed to be managing things well. Recently, however, we have been bickering about a lot of little insignificant things and we both don't understand why these arguments never arose before. It's very frustrating. We spent two years in a long distance relationship and now that we are finally together, we are at each other's throats! Is this something that I should be concerned about, or is this just another step in the relationship that is going to take time? - Cohabiting Casandra

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Dear Cohabiting Casandra,

Since you spent two years in a long-distance relationship, it's no wonder that you and your boyfriend are having some growing pains. Going from having your own space to living with someone is a huge adjustment, so my first suggestion is to sit tight and give yourselves time to work through the kinks.

Since these arguments are over petty, insignificant things, try to keep the lines of communication open and talk things out before they blow up into something bigger - sometimes taking a step back and thinking before you speak can make a real difference. Compromise is also really important when living with someone. It's perfectly normal for you guys to get bugged by each other every once in a while - arguing from time to time is healthy and normal - but try to keep things in perspective and remember to pick your battles. If you're annoyed about him leaving dirty dishes in the sink, just ask him not to do it next time. If he is irritated that your hair is on the bathroom floor, make more of an effort to clean it up. Cohabiting for the first time takes an adjustment period, but after you figure everything out, I promise that it'll be a lot of fun. Hang in there and remember to be open and honest about your feelings and ask him to do the same.

Source

You Asked: Is He Trying to Tell Me Something?

DearSugar — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year now. When it came time to resign our leases last spring, we both did as we knew it was much too soon to live together. He is 27 and pretty much has his life together while I'm 22, have a ton of debt, and am contemplating going back to school.

This week my boyfriend told me that he is seriously considering buying a condo or an apartment. This news really scares me - does this mean we'll never get to live together? I don't really see myself moving into his house and paying his mortgage and it's really starting to stress me out. Am I overthinking this or should I just forget about cohabitation until we are actually considering buying a home together? - Insecure Indy

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Dear Insecure Indy,

I think your reaction is completely normal but just because he's thinking about buying a home, it doesn't necessarily mean you're not being considered in the equation. You said you might be going back to school - would that mean you'd move away? Since your plans are still up in the air, I think it would be best if you talked to your boyfriend before jumping to any conclusions. Open up the lines of communication, let him know where your insecurities lie and make sure to tell him what you want out of this relationship.

Though many people feel it's ideal to get a place together instead of moving into one person's already established home when cohabiting, there is no right or wrong way. If you do end up moving into the place he buys, there are many ways you can divvy up the bills to make things fair. He could pay the mortgage while you pay the utilities and the groceries, or something alone those lines. It's also important to look at this realistically: just because he buys a condo or an apartment, it doesn't mean he's married to it for the rest of his life. Purchasing real estate is always a great investment so before you put labels on your relationship, talk to your boyfriend and make sure you're on the same page.

Source

Where Do You Stand: Choosing Where to Cohabitate

DearSugar — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 07:00:00 -0700

When a couple decides to take the plunge and move in together, there are a lot of things that need to be taken into heavy consideration - deciding where to live being the most important one! Of course, it's easiest to move into one person's existing home, but you don't want to ever feel like it's their house instead of yours. Since finding something new can be expensive and time consuming, I guess it's just a matter of convenience, or is it? I've never cohabitated so tell me, where you stand on moving in together. Is it better to get a new place as a couple, or move into one person's established home?

Source

Relationship Protocol: Household Chores

DearSugar — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 14:00:00 -0700

No matter where or how you live, chores need to be done in every household, and when you live with your significant other, you're one of the lucky ones that has someone to split the grunt work with! Most couples I know divvy up their chores fairly evenly, albeit in a slightly sexist way: The woman makes the bed, does the laundry, and tidies up the house, while the man takes out the trash, does the dishes, and scrubs the toilets. Sounds like a good deal to me!

So now that I'm curious, tell me, how do you split the household responsibilities in your relationship? Do you have even duties, or do you feel the pendulum swings one way much more than the other?

Source

You Asked: How Can We Make My House Our House?

DearSugar — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 06:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend of two years and I have been talking about moving in with each other. However, I'm the homeowner so he would be moving into my space. We've talked about how this would work, treating it as "our" space but he's still worried about feeling like it would be more my place. I've suggested moving my items out of one room so he can have a room completely to himself in addition to incorporating his other items into the rest of the house but he's still not convinced. Do you have any suggestions on how to make this transition more welcoming?
- Cohabiting Connie

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Dear Cohabiting Connie,

Moving in with a significant other is a big step so make sure you're both 110 percent ready. Before you make any commitments, be sure to discuss all the tough topics like money, how you both feel about house guests, how you'll handle arguments, grocery shopping, chores, and most importantly, what your future entails. Once you're on the same page, I'd say you're ready to take the next step in your relationship.

Since you're the homeowner and he'll be moving into your previously lived-in space, there's no real way around him feeling like this is your home. If selling is not an option, you're going to have to let go of the power and do your best to open your home to him in every way possible. It's easy to be set in your ways and grow accustomed to your things being in specific places, but you're going to have to compromise so his things have a place, too. I think one of the hardest parts about moving in together is feeling like you've lost all your privacy, so having a room of his own could make all the difference in the world.

At the end of the day, if your house is filled with love and respect, living together can be a wonderful life-changing experience. Check in with my friend CasaSugar for some more tips on how to make your place, our place. Good luck!

Source

You Asked: How Can We Compromise?

DearSugar — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 12:30:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I've been living with my boyfriend for the past year in a very nice apartment with all the amenities a young couple would want - washer and dryer in the unit, a 24 hour gym in the building, a mile long grass area to walk our dogs, etc. Now that the lease is up, we are leaving because the rent went up to the point of ridiculousness. As we move into a posh apartment complex, we are faced with some challenges we didn't have before that are creating some stress in our relationship.

We love the new potential complex, but we can't agree on a floor plan. He wants the smaller expensive one, but I want the bigger, cheaper one. He wants the garage spot, TVs mounted on the wall, and the smaller intimate bedroom. I want the bigger bedroom, walk-in closet, a place for a decent full length mirror, and less rent because I just got a new puppy. I find this to be a stupid fight yet I don't want to give in and be unhappy with what I have to work with. Help! - Don't Want to Compromise Corinne

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Dear Don't Want to Compromise Corinne,

While I don't think you should compromise when it comes to your home either, I do feel that in order to make two people happy, you're both going to have to compromise to some degree. So this "stupid fight" doesn't negatively affect your relationship, I suggest you both put together a pro and con list. Write out what's important to you, in order, and after you read each other's requirements, consolidate your needs to create a list that works for you as a couple. If you have aversions to each other's requests, simply talk it out - find out why that specific desire is important to him, and make your plea for whatever it is you want out of the apartment - and do your best to find a middle ground.

In a perfect world, you'd agree on everything, but that's simply not reality so try to keep everything relative. Relationships require give and take, as does cohabitation, so be sure to keep the lines of communication open. Good luck to you!

Source

Have You Ever Lied to Your Family About Your Living Situation?

DearSugar — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 09:00:00 -0700

You could have cut the tension with a knife last night on The Hills when Heidi's mom made a surprise appearance for her daughter's birthday. Apparently she was unaware that Spencer had moved back in and was disappointed, to say the least, to have been kept in the dark. Although Heidi's mom's distress was mostly due to her daughter's dysfunctional relationship, I know not all parents are accepting of their kids cohabitating with their significant others before marriage. So if you're parents fall into that category, tell me, have you ever lied to them about your living situation in order to share an address with your significant other?

Photo courtesy of MTV

You Asked: Are We Ready For the Next Step?

DearSugar — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend of almost seven years and I took a break back in March of this year, but got back together two months ago. While it has not been difficult to remember what I love about him and how he makes me feel, it has been very hard coping with his friendship with a girl he developed a crush on not too long before we broke up. While he has since lost romantic interest in her, they remain good friends (though not as close as they were while he and I were apart). My problem is that I can't seem to get over the fact that she reminds me of the heartache I went through when he and I broke up, and that no matter how much I feel I should get to know her for his sake, there's a huge part of me that wishes I didn't have to; wishes she would just disappear. He told me he would stop talking with her because he loves me and is willing to do whatever it takes to make things work, but I don't want him to stop being friends with someone he cares for - I don't want him to resent me.

The bigger issue here is that he has asked me to move in with him and I have been greatly considering it, but I don't know if it's a good idea just yet. After talking with my older sister and doing some real soul-searching, I believe it's best for he and I to fully reconnect first (which we've done a great deal of in these last two months) and for me to feel more comfortable with his friendship with the girl before I really consider moving in with him. But how do I get to know her as an individual instead of as the girl who could have ruined my relationship with my boyfriend for good? - Stand My Ground Gina

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Stand my Ground Gina,

I completely understand your hesitation to let this woman into your life, as well as not wanting your boyfriend to cut off all ties just because you're not willing to get to know her. Clearly this is a tough decision, but I'm glad to hear that you've been doing a lot of thinking about it. Seven years is a long time to be with someone, but if you don't feel ready to cohabitate, don't. As I'm sure you well know, living together is a big step and shouldn't be taken lightly. If you're still harboring animosity toward your boyfriend, things will only get worse once you're under the same roof.

Taking the stance of shoulda, coulda, woulda won't get you anywhere, so yes, this woman could have ruined your relationship for good, but she didn't. You were able to work it out, and your boyfriend has made it clear that he's willing to do whatever it takes, so perhaps you should take baby steps to do the same thing. You don't need to be this woman's best friend, but if you got to know her and realized that she's not a threat to you, you could end up feeling significantly better about this whole situation.

While you guys are working through everything, keep the lines of communication open and perhaps you'll be ready to take that next step in your relationship sooner than later. Good luck.

Source

Group Therapy: Living With My Boyfriend for the First Time...

Mon, 12 Feb 2007 14:17:47 -0800

On Saturday, I will be moving to Texas with my boyfriend. We've been dating about 8 months and this is the first time I've ever lived with a significant other.

I don't need advice as much as I'd really like to know the things all of you have learned about co-habitating from a significant other. Were there any things you didn't expect? Is it really that much different from staying over with each other or going on vacation together?

I'd love to hear some thoughts!!!

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

When Cohabitation Is Good

DearSugar — Tue, 28 Mar 2006 12:52:56 -0800

Dear Sugar
I'm 24 and my boyfriend of four years is 25. We aren't ready to get married right now, but we want to move in together. Should we talk about our future now or just move in together and see how things progress? Confused About Commitment Conversations and Cohabitation

Dear Confused About Commitment Conversations and Cohabitation
Yes. You should definitely talk about everything BEFORE you get married. Marriage can be hard enough; if you guys want 2 different things then it's never going to be easy for you. At least start off with all the hope in the world! I am a believer in living together before you get married. But -- you've got to do it with the intention of getting engaged within 6 months to a year. If that is too soon for you then I think you should wait. If you move in too soon, then you will get too comfortable. That's where the "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" phrase comes from. You don't want him to get complacent.