TresSugar

Group Therapy: What's Missing Here?

Mon, 10 Nov 2008 03:00:00 -0800

About a year and half ago, my serious relationship ended. It was not mutual - he broke up with me out of the blue and I never really had any closure. It's been a while now, I should be over it, but I'm having a really hard time moving on.

Over the last six months or so, I've thrown myself back into the dating scene but there seems to be something seriously lacking. I have been on many dates with great guys but I haven't felt a connection with any of them. These guys are all extremely nice in every possible way and I should be happy to be with any of them, but I cringe when they try to kiss me goodnight, or put their arm around me. As soon and I see interest in their eyes, I run.

I don't understand my reaction, I don't know how to fix it and I don't know what to do. I'm feeling increasingly lonely. Do you have any advice?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]
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Dear Poll: Is Bad Sex a Dealbreaker?

DearSugar — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 12:00:00 -0700

Now, I know we don’t love to admit that we have dealbreakers, but some things just don’t work for everyone, especially those things that seriously impact a relationship like sex. Sex is a fundamental part of any relationship, and can both bring people together or pull them apart, which is why sexual compatibility is so important. But what happens if the person you care about doesn’t do it for you? I’m sure it depends on individual needs, but is bad sex a dealbreaker for you?

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Dear Poll: Should Attraction Be Instantaneous or Grow Over Time?

DearSugar — Wed, 21 May 2008 12:00:00 -0700

Though we all have different opinions on whether or not love at first sight is possible, I’m sure we’ve all experienced serious attraction upon a first encounter - and I don’t just mean physical - sometimes you just connect!

Then again, it’s also common for feelings of attraction to grow over time; you can meet someone as a friend and find yourself more and more attracted as you get to know him. I'm guessing we've all experienced both types of attraction, but when it comes to creating a lasting relationship, which do you think is better?

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Down For a Chem Quickie?

GiggleSugar — Mon, 19 May 2008 16:00:00 -0700

I hated chemistry back in the day. Protons? Neutrons? Electrons? Atoms? The only ~~atom~~ Adam I ever concerned myself with was tall, dark, and precociously scruffy. Someone picked up on these hormonal high-school obsessions and put the chemistry back in chemistry. Who knew an atom was one big orgy fun zone? And when hydrogen is around, carbon is a bona-fide sex god? Or that water hates potassium - for really immature, undisclosed reasons. (An unrequited crush maybe?)

News to Me: Kissing and Chemistry

DearSugar — Tue, 05 Feb 2008 10:00:00 -0800

You know how after a first kiss, your friends ask you if there was any chemistry? Well, it turns out that question is right on the money. According to a recent article in Scientific American, there are multiple chemical reactions that occur when we kiss, which affect all sorts of emotional responses including bonding, stress levels, attraction, compatibility, and of course, sexual arousal.
Perhaps the most interesting point the article makes, is this:

The researchers found an unusual flurry of activity in two brain regions that govern pleasure, motivation, and reward. . . . Addictive drugs such as cocaine similarly stimulate these reward centers, through the release of the neurotransmitter dopamine. Love, it seems, is a kind of drug for us humans.

I knew there was a reason that I love foreplay - I'm hooked on kissing. The article also mentions that a first kiss is an indicator of genetic compatibility with a mate. It rings true for me, but how about you? Has a kiss ever influenced your attraction to someone?

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You Asked: Should I Make Him Leave His Girlfriend?

DearSugar — Mon, 10 Dec 2007 17:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I've known this guy for about two years now. At first, he was very interested but I had just gotten out of a relationship and wasn't completely over the breakup. We had made a few dates but I always stood him up. I guess I just wasn't ready. Three months ago, I ran into him. We had lunch and a great time hanging out. There was amazing chemistry but - he has a girlfriend!

For the past three months we've still been hanging out, kind of a friends-with-benefits thing, but I'm falling for him and he's falling for me. He's never said he wants to leave her for me, but I'm crazy about him and really want to be together. What should I do?

-Falling in Love Laura

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more

Dear Falling in Love Laura,

I think it's time to have a big talk and tell him exactly how you feel. I wouldn't see him romantically until he breaks it off with his girlfriend because you don't want to encourage his cheating behavior. Being the other woman can't feel very good so hopefully he'll want to be with you too and and you can start an open and honest relationship together. Good luck.

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Hump Day: Why Do I Get Dry Sometimes?

TresSugar — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's sex advice column. Are you confused about sex? Do you have trouble having an orgasm? Is there something you'd like to try but you're worried it's too weird? Send your questions to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!

Today's Question:

"I get really dry sometimes when my boyfriend and I are having sex. I know all about lubricants, but I'm having trouble guessing when I might need help." To read Dr. Glickman's response, read more

There are a lot of reasons why women experience fluctuations in how much they lubricate. For some, it’s just part of the menstrual cycle. Some women lubricate more at ovulation, while others say that’s when they’re driest. Lots of women also report that their vaginal lubrication changed when they got pregnant and again, some say that they became much wetter and others say that they got drier. So while we know that changes in hormones can influence it, there’s a lot of variation in how much and in what direction. It’s also worth mentioning that menopause generally reduces how much lubrication your body will produce.

Lots of medications and drugs also affect vaginal lubrication, even if it’s rarely listed on the bottle or box. For example, allergy medications are formulated to dry the mucous membranes in your sinuses, but they can do the same to the vagina. Anti-depressants, antihistamines, anxiety medications, smoking cigarettes or marijuana, and drinking alcohol can do the same. In general, if a medication or drug makes your mouth or sinuses dry, it could also reduce vaginal lubrication. Unfortunately, most doctors are unaware of these effects or they don’t feel comfortable talking to their patients about it.

I think it’s really unfortunate that we have this cultural myth that vaginal lubrication is proportional to arousal. Many women find that they can be totally turned on while being pretty dry and others might be quite wet while barely aroused. The best thing we can do is learn to separate the two things in our minds.

You say that you know about lubricants, but for the folks who don’t, here’s a little info.

There are pros and cons to the lubricants on the market, and it can take a little experimenting to find one that will work for you. You might also find that a lube that worked great for a long time isn’t working so well anymore. It’s kind of like shampoo or skin lotion - after a while, you might need to change brands as your individual chemistry changes.

Water-based lubricants can be thin and slippery, or they can be thicker gels. They rinse away really easily, making cleanup a snap, but they do dry out after a while. The glycerin-based lubes last a bit longer, but they tend to get sticky when they dry out. You can add a little water or saliva to freshen them up. While glycerin doesn’t cause yeast infections, it can make one worse if you get one for some other reason, so if you’re prone to yeast infections, avoid these lubes. The glycerin-free lubricants don’t get sticky, but they usually don’t quite last as long. They soak in like hand lotion, so adding water doesn’t work; you need to add some more.

Silicone lubricants don’t dry out (so if you spill some on the kitchen floor, be sure to wipe it up) and are hypoallergenic. They’re also waterproof, which is a plus if you want to have sex in the shower but it can make them a bit trickier to clean up and they sometimes stain sheets. They’re also hypoallergenic and have no taste or scent.

Some people like to use oils as sexual lubricants. If you want to give them a try, use something organic and vegetable-based, such as coconut or almond oils. Mineral oils like baby oil or Vaseline actually dry the skin since the body can’t absorb them or break them down. Coconut oil is solid at room temperature, so it doesn’t go rancid. Keep almond oil in the fridge. And never use oils with latex condoms, diaphragms or cervical caps. Oils will make them dissolve: a condom will break in about 30 seconds if it comes into contact with oil.

A few tips for using lubricants. First, keep the bottle near the bed. You’ll want to be able to grab it when you need it. Second, pump bottles make it a lot easier to add more without fumbling to get the bottle open. Third, if you accidentally get too much lube out of the bottle, don’t put the extra back in. You don’t want to contaminate the bottle with anything that might be on your hand. And lastly, many lube makers offer single-use packets or small bottles. While they cost more per ounce than larger bottles, you can stick them in a pocket or purse pretty easily, not to mention your carry-on bag.

So I think that the best thing for you to do is to keep lube handy and use it when you need it. It takes about 5 seconds to apply and it’ll make sex a lot more fun. And don’t stress about whether it means anything that you sometimes need a little extra slipperiness.

Don't forget to send your questions to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman will offer his sound advice!

Meet Matchmaker Amy Andersen, Part I

TresSugar — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 10:00:00 -0700

I'll admit it: one of my guilty TV pleasures is The Millionaire Matchmaker. I find the orchestrated pairings entertaining and stomach-churning at the same time. Of course, there are other matchmakers hard at work without reality TV contracts.

In the San Francisco Bay Area, Amy Andersen works with 800 singles, half of whom are women. Amy's company, Linx Dating, doesn't call itself a "millionaires" club; instead it fashions itself as a service for both "successful" men and women. Of course, you have to pay to play. Amy's fee starts at $6,000 for eight hand-picked matches. $30,000 gets you 15 introductions, a nationwide search, and a cocktail party. Amy also offers date coaching, image makeovers, wardrobe overhauls, fitness training, and networking cocktail parties.

This sort of "high-end" matchmaking can be controversial, so I thought it would be enlightening to ask Amy to share her take on matchmaking and modern love.

Why do people come to you for your services?

Amy Andersen: People come to me because they are educated and hardworking, (typically) young professionals who are interested in finding a like-minded, quality match. Often our clients have dabbled in online dating (to mixed results), most have attempted the bar scene to unpleasant outcomes, and due to their success and taking their professional careers seriously, they refuse to date their colleagues. Thus, the resources shrink, and choices become limited and sparse.

To find out what qualities Amy's clients look for in a date, and to see how she would answer critics, read more.

What are the top qualities a man looks for in a woman?

AA: I would say being physically fit is way up there -and keep in mind, fitness can be wide ranging; she doesn't have to be an Ironman triathlete, just someone who cares about her health and enjoys fitness - along with being confident and happy with who she is. It's also important she has a life outside the relationship - in other words, not clingy. Being warm and nurturing is also way up there!

What are the top qualities a woman looks for in a man?

AA: A woman looks for good DNA! She wants a man who is going to be a good provider - so she looks for financial stability. Our clients are not looking for a guy jockeying between jobs and floating around trying to figure out what to do with his life. She also looks for physical appearance, often wanting him to be fit or tall. And finally someone who is a good communicator, not a game player.

What would you say to critics who think you're setting up gold-diggers with men who want trophy wives?

AA: We couldn't be more opposite of matchmakers who only represent men and simply have women in their databases. Unlike The Millionaire Matchmaker or other firms, we represent both men and women, and not just average but exceptional professionals. So many of our female clients are just as, if not more, successful than their male counterparts. A critic could speculate that men gravitate toward the network to meet a highly affluent woman! It really could not be further from the truth that we work with gold diggers. Everyone in Linx is an equal, and each client pays for the service. Thus there are not unusual expectations, or women desiring rich men, or men desiring a casual hookup.

Can money buy you love?

AA: Money can buy you the option to meet someone great, but it can’t buy you chemistry which leads to love. That is left up to two people and fate.

Come back tomorrow to find out what Amy thinks about "hooking up" and traditional gender roles.

Conventional Wisdom: Ask a Lawyer

TresSugar — Mon, 11 May 2009 08:30:00 -0700

I got out of a three-year relationship about two years ago. I have since dated half of LA. I'm getting wary of dating. Rarely have I been on a date where both of us liked the other - either I get interested or the guy does - and rejecting someone is about as much fun as being rejected.

I am starting to see a pattern: the guys will come on strong and chase me until I resist and when I kind of seem to get interested, the guys just vanish. Whether I tell them I'm interested or not interested - they vanish. I'm at a point where I'm too scared of going on dates for fear I'm going to scare people away. What do I do?

- Almost Too Scared to Date

To hear what a lawyer has to say, read more.

Dear Too Scared,

Your situation is all-too-common among both sexes in the dysfunctional modern dating pool. Though I'm happily married now, I can confirm from very recent experience in the land of lovelorn singlehood that this dynamic/syndrome you are describing likely has less to do with your particular approach and more with your commitment to the idea of DATING with a capital "D."

There's something about the whole ritual, with all of its attendant expectations and conventions that seems to encourage a "chase is better than the catch" mentality among those who abide strictly by its tired protocols. More importantly, my experience with serial DATERS is that they often tend to be looking for the next best thing as a matter of course. They're just DATING with an idle hope that maybe it will just click with someone. But a DATE, in my experience, is a pretty lousy forum for actually getting to know someone and to see if you have actual compatibility, mutual attraction and chemistry.

My main piece of advice, therefore, would be to modify your expectations about what it is that you're doing, and to try to look for Mr. Right with a changed modality. If you are looking for a DATE, you are ultimately hoping to find someone to offer you love, companionship, nooky and sexual fulfillment, support, trust, entertainment, and everything else that comes along with finding someone awesome to share the world with, but much later and down the line, after you have made sure that he meets the sniff test and that you enjoy being with him. These are all things you can explore with guys in different social contexts that aren't so freighted with expectations, insecurity, performance anxiety, and all-around awkwardness as with the dreaded DATE.

So the approach, which is a tired cliché of the syndicated advice columnist for a reason: get involved with a group of people who share your interest in something (music, arts, book group, hiking club, discussion forum, team sport). Join an organized activity of like-minded people. And start hanging out with this group more and more (assuming they're not a bunch of weirdos and misfits that you don't enjoy spending time with).

See if there isn't someone in this broader group that you start to establish a friendship or rapport with (or who you find yourself attracted to, or scoping, or who seems to be attracted to or scoping you). And try as much as possible to avoid thinking of this person as a potential DATE, but rather, as a potential COMPANION (we'll leave it ambiguous for now).

Next, see if you can start to modulate your contact with this potential COMPANION. Maybe you invite him to some other group activity that you participate in. Maybe a party, or a BBQ, or whatever. Seth Rogen's character in Superbad might suggest inviting him to a pumpkin patch, but you get the idea.

You're ramping up towards an outing that we might typically call a DATE, but while you're at it, you're gathering all sorts of intel about this fellow, his likes, his dislikes, if he listens to cool music or butt rock like Nickelback and Hinder, whether he's more country or more rock and roll, if he's funny without trying to be (DATES are a notoriously embarrassing forum for us guys to try too hard to be funny, and enduring a DATE can often feel like watching some stand-up also-ran on Comedy Central).

Finally, if you are still interested in this COMPANION-cum-DATE, you'll identify an opportunity for just you and he to go do something together. If you can find something in the context of your initial meeting (say you are in that hiking club, then you suggest heading out to somewhere cool for a walk). You are making that DATE move, but in that context, it may feel a little less DATEY.

Significantly, you have already been around this person enough that, if he is interested, you don't need to use the awkward format of the DATE to find out stuff about the guy. You already found out all that stuff at the pumpkin patch. And if he has come along on the hike and made it through the preliminaries, one assumes, you may just find yourself a little more in sync, and less wary of one another. Because a DATE automatically has low expectations.

An ambiguous outing that feels less like a DATE and more like two people who are starting to enjoy spending time together? It's a space that you're likely to be much more comfortable with, and, just maybe, is less likely to generate that weird "catch me if you can" vibe that seems so endemic to DATING.

Best of luck in any case,
A lawyer

Click here to find out more about Conventional Wisdom and here to submit a question.

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Conventional Wisdom: Ask a Feminist

TresSugar — Mon, 04 May 2009 04:00:00 -0700

I have a problem. I don't know what's going on, but the past three guys I dated after a while just stopped returning my phone calls and texts. They just left me in the dust! I usually blame myself. Was it something I did or said? Did we spend too much time together? But I can't even talk about it with them because the guy disappears! This hurts so much. Please help me figure out what I should do to prevent this from happening in the future.

- Sick of Being Ditched

To see how a feminist responds, read more

Dear Sick of Being Ditched,

I want to say first off - hang in there. It does feel painful to put yourself out there in the dating world and to feel rejected. We all go through it, and most of us weather it until we find the person who is right for us. I'm not going to tell you that a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle, but I do know that before you can put yourself out there, you need to know who you are. I suspect there are larger issues that need to be addressed.

I would need to have more information to truly give you the proper advice. First off, I wonder how old you are, how long you dated these men, or if you slept with them or not? Even without knowing that information, I am concerned that you are blaming yourself and wondering if it was something you did or said.

Dating is not just about being accepted or liked by the person you're dating, it's also about finding out if you really like the person. You don't say anything about how you felt about them; you seem only to focus on the fact that they didn't call you back. Sometimes, if we feel insecure and seek others to accept us, we may project neediness, and people back off. I'm not saying that's what happened in these cases - perhaps they were jerks, or there wasn't chemistry - but it's something to think about.

I suggest you focus on yourself before you date again. What are your talents, your interests? What is it about you that your family and real friends love? Most importantly, what is it about you that you love? Cultivate that, respect that, and the next person you meet who sees that and appreciates who you really are will be the right one for you. When you do that, and someone isn't interested in you, your ego may feel stung, but you'll know they were probably not right for you anyway.

If you try all that and still find yourself sad and bereft because someone didn't call you back, it may be time to talk to a therapist about what underlying issues are making you seek outside validation at the expense of your own sense of self-worth.

Good luck and be strong,

A feminist

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