TresSugar

Relationships and Religion

DearSugar — Mon, 01 Oct 2007 11:00:00 -0700

Religion can be a very sticky subject for a lot of couples that date inter-religiously.

I know many women who will only date Jewish men if they are Jewish, or Catholic men if they are Catholic, but personally, I think it's more important to date for love rather than religion. I have never been one to think that religion mattered much, as long as both people's values were respected and celebrated. Compromise is key when people come from different religious backgrounds, and as long as both people are open and communicate their needs in a sensitive way, I think it can totally work. It can actually be really amazing to mesh your two cultures, family values, and holidays.

So what do you think? Does the religion of your significant other matter much to you? Is it super important to your family to marry someone who shares the same religion? Or does religion never even cross your mind?

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Très Bizarre: Prisoner Wants Visit From Mom - Who Is a Cat

TresSugar — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 07:00:00 -0800

Five years may be a short prison sentence, but that's 36 years in cat time. Way too long for Peter Koenig, a German inmate who wants to see his mother while serving a five-year sentence for armed robbery. One small, furry problem, though. His deceased mother is reincarnated as a cat, or so he believes.
The (formerly) heat-packing Buddhist took his fight to court, demanding cat-visiting rights, but was turned down for being unable to "furnish proof that his deceased mother had been reborn in the cat.” In a misguided gesture the court suggested a compromise: he could always write her.

Funny as this story sounds, it seems to me that if you can have human visitors in prison, why not have furry, four-legged ones?

Source: Flickr User Law Keven

Cute Alert: Zen Doggie

GiggleSugar — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 00:02:00 -0700

This one-year-old Chihuahua, Conan (!), gets in touch with his inner Buddha during a meditation session in Japan. He saw a priest at the Zen Buddhist monastery praying at the altar and decided to follow suit. Call it the Tao of Pooch. Click here to read about my new favorite guru.

Slow Sex Movement Guru: On Romance and Sex

TresSugar — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 13:15:00 -0700

"I think that when you actually have raw intimacy, it isn’t sex, it isn’t romance, and it isn’t spirituality - it's just a pure connection."

This is the first in a four-part series of interviews I had with Nicole Daedone, who is emerging as the leader of the slow-sex movement and who founded the OneTaste urban retreat center in San Francisco. OneTaste invites men and women to learn about mindful sexuality by participating in workshops, yoga, and (for residents only) controversial "OMing" sessions in which men stroke women to orgasm during daily morning sessions. To read the first part of the interview and to see a Nightline segment on OneTaste, OMing sessions and Nicole, read more.

TrèsSugar: What is the goal of the OneTaste retreat center?
Nicole Daedone: I get apprehensive about using the word "revolutionize," but it's to revolutionize the way we look at sex. I think that we've gotten extremely distant from the actual "it" that it is and that it's gotten kind of pathological the further away we've gotten away from the source of it. That's why I like the idea of slow sex. You know, in the same way that we've industrialized food, we've industrialized sex. We've lost the meaning and the meaning really is simple: it's the most elemental energy that allows two people to come together and tune into their own body at the same time, which is a pretty profound thing. I think that we've lost track of that.

TS: In the age of the Internet and easily accessible fast food sex, I could see why slow sex would be important. But I was really struck by a comment on your website when you say that romance and all the expectations around it can also get in the way. I think a lot of heterosexual women feel, "I try to have sex to connect with this person, and sometimes the man is using sex to disconnect from me." So I was curious how you think that women's ideas about romance might actually create a problem, too.
ND: My experience is that romance is, to put it in Buddhist terms, the "near friend." It's when it's so close but it's not the "it" that you're looking for - but it's enough to keep yourself comfortable. And that if you go to the deeper, value-neutral sexuality, you can have romance as a byproduct. But if you go to romance, you aren’t going all the way and you don’t get the value-neutral energy that you can use the sexuality for. And so what I’m interested in is having people go to the raw, rich, nutrient place of sexuality and then learn how to use it for a deeper purpose.

TS: So you would say that the romance part is a delusion in a way?
ND: I don’t know that it's a delusion, but I think that it can be an obstacle in that it can be misused as a means of actually decreasing intimacy. So if I have this idea about who you are and I just keep trying to stuff you into that idea, and not actually discover who you are or have curiosity, that's the biggest danger of romance, that I have an idea of what I want and I keep trying to fit you into it. I don’t relate to the parts of you that don't correspond with the idea.

TS: We're so used to pathologizing male sexuality ("all they’re looking for is sex" or something like that) that I think there is a way in which we don't think about how, for some women, "all they’re looking for is romance" and that, too, may rob them of a true experience with the person.
ND: Exactly. I think that when you actually have raw intimacy, it isn't sex, it isn't romance, and it isn't spirituality - it's just a pure connection.

The Slow-Sex Movement: An Introduction

TresSugar — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 11:15:00 -0700

You may have heard of the slow-food movement that started in Italy to counteract the rise of fast food, promote locally grown produce, and encourage meals made and eaten with care. A similar movement is taking hold in the sexual arena: the slow-sex movement. It borrows ideas from many Eastern practices like Tantra and Buddhist mindfulness but with a modern twist.

No, the slow-sex movement doesn't advocate having sex very, very slowly (although that could be one method of engaging in it!). Rather, it seeks to remind people in a pornified world, where the pressure for an ideal body or the "right way" to have sex, has taken them away from the foundation of sex: connection (with your partner and your own body), intimacy, and pleasure. (Based on some of your responses to our recent posts on orgasms - sexual pleasure can be particularly difficult for women.)

I recently had the opportunity to sit down and talk to one of the most vibrant (and controversial) voices of the slow-sex movement - Nicole Daedone, who runs OneTaste, an urban retreat center in San Francisco. (There's also a branch in New York City.) At OneTaste, women and men can learn about mindful sexuality through classes, lectures, or living at the center. The New York Times describes it as a "co-ed live-in commune dedicated to the female orgasm." Residents engage in morning "OMing" sessions in which women - naked from the waist down - lie in curtained rooms while fully clothed men stroke them to orgasm.

These mindful sex "research partners" and their practices could be easily laughed at or dismissed, but put your preconceptions aside and read the series of interviews with Nicole I will post in the next few days. I can't wait to hear what you think of it all!

Ask a Buddhist: Can I "Find Myself" While With Someone?

TresSugar — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 09:00:00 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. Today, a person who believes in Buddhist teachings will offer her common sense advice to a 24-year-old looking to find herself. You can submit questions here.

Today's Question:

Is it possible to figure out what you want out of your life while in a committed relationship? My boyfriend and I started dating when we were 16, when we were still young and impressionable. Now, we're both 24 years old, and while we are very much in love with one another, we're both feeling as though we do not know ourselves as individuals. And while we want to figure ourselves out while being together, we have tried - though not very successfully - and it hasn't quite worked so far. So, is it possible to figure yourself out while in a relationship? Or is it best to just cut ties despite the love you feel for another and take time out for yourself, alone?

- In Love but Confused

To find out what the Buddhist has to say, read more.

Dear In Love and Confused,

Wow. Your question really hits home, and I'll try to answer it with the wisdom of my experiences and those of my friends.

I, too, asked this question when I was 24 after having been with my boyfriend, my first love, since I was 18. (Not quite as long you.) I had the 20-something equivalent of the seven-year-itch. I'd never been with another person, I'd moved in with the boyfriend at a young age, and although we had different things going on (he was older and had a career that he loved and I was in college), I felt that there was a big world out there I wasn't exploring so we could be together.

In my case, ultimately, the decision was easier because my restlessness had to do with wanting to having other sexual experiences with people. I loved him, but knew that if I stayed with him, my curiosity would get the better of me. Although it was one of the toughest decisions I had to make, and there were many doubts and tears, I didn't regret my decision to break up with him and move on.

Having said that, I also know people who have remained with the people they fell in love with as teens who are leading happy and fulfilled lives in which the experiences they have separately add to the relationship they have together. The relationship, for each of them, is a place where they not only share experiences that expand their sense of self (they travel together, volunteer together, have similar hobbies), but where, after they do their own thing separately (with their own set of friends, their own travel adventures, etc.) they can come back to the relationship without the other person feeling left out or intimidated by their partner's separateness.

This is where it can get tricky. What experiences contribute to that feeling of "individuality" as you refer to it? There are things you might not be able to discover while in a committed relationship - in my case, it was experiences with other people. Or let's say you want to travel abroad. Unless your boyfriend can do that with you, you might have to spend some time apart. Will you both be OK with being apart and being monogamous? Would you be able to take a break from your relationship, and the monogamy, with an agreement to be back together and see how it goes? Maybe counseling could help you figure out what it is exactly that feels missing, so you could experiment before you "cut ties" with this person you sound like you're really in love with. (I'm curious about what it was you tried and wasn't successful.)

Whether you met when you were 16 or 25 (or 35, 45 or 55!), the challenge of maintaining your individuality in a couple will remain. I know some people who met at ripe old ages who are in stifling relationships that end up being excuses for not exploring who they really are. You definitely have a challenge, but one that's not insurmountable. The question is, how creative can you be, how honest can you be, how flexible can you be? Try out everything you can, and if at the end of the day, you decide that the only way you can find yourselves is to be apart, maybe you can make a pact to meet up again at a certain age and see if it works?

Not losing yourself in a relationship is something everyone - of all ages - experiences. I have a feeling you two can be honest with each other to try everything out to see what works best for you. If you were meant to be together, it will all work out in the end. Good luck, stay present with what you're feeling, and be honest with yourself and your boyfriend.

- A Buddhist

Book Bag: The Largest Book in the World

TresSugar — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 11:00:00 -0700

Do you have bad eyesight and a fascination with the Buddhist kingdom of Bhutan? Then you're in luck!

Friendly Planet and MIT teamed up and took more than 60,000 photographs of ancient architecture, panoramas of the Great Himalayan Range, and life-size or bigger portraits of the inhabitants of this grand Himalayan kingdom for their book Bhutan: A Visual Odyssey Across the Last Himalayan Kingdom. Guinness World Records cites this ginormous book as "the largest published book in the world - about one of the world's smallest countries." It's over five-by-seven feet and 133 pounds. Nifty, but only if you have an even bigger coffee table on which to display it.

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Mindfulness: It's Not Just For Spiritual Woo-Woo Types

TresSugar — Tue, 02 Jun 2009 08:30:00 -0700

Imagine taking a morsel of food, say, an almond, and savoring it very carefully, giving it your full attention. If someone told you that doing everything you can with that kind of attention would help reduce your stress level at work, relieve bodily symptoms like back pain, and keep you from bad habits like smoking, you might think they were nuts.

Yet that’s exactly what the practice of mindfulness does say practitioners like Buddhists, and increasingly, there’s clinical research to back it up.

What is mindfulness? It’s the act of being aware of the moment - of what you’re thinking and feeling, both emotionally and physically, from one moment to the next. There can be a spiritual component, but anyone, regardless of their religion, can benefit.

Awareness of the moment is supposed to move us away from both regret for the past and anxiety about the future. And in addition to those thoughts that often cloud our mind, throw in a job full of emails, ringing phones and irritating co-workers and the modern person’s stress levels are sky high. To hear about a study proving its effectiveness in reducing stress, read more

When stressed-out historian and former professor Lillian Waugh at West Virginia University was invited to participate in a study on mindfulness, she was part of the group that was taught techniques to cultivate it - yoga poses, breathing methods and stretches. Waugh's group improved in ways that the other group, who were only handed informational pamphlets on stress, did not. Her group had significantly fewer daily hassles, psychological distress and significantly fewer medical symptoms as a result.

"We taught them how to recognize sources of stress, how stress impacts them, and then what they could do to come out of the vicious cycle of stress reactivity," says lead researcher Kimberly Williams.

I’ve practiced meditation pretty regularly for about year, and although I can still be a stress case, thanks to that simple idea - just to pay attention to the moment without panic - I can get myself out of almost any overwhelming moment if I remember what to do. Just because something is simple, however, doesn’t mean it’s easy. But if practicing mindfulness techniques can relieve all those stress symptoms, it’s definitely better than lighting up, drinking or freaking out.

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Oh Snap! South Korea (En)lights Up For Buddha's Birthday

TresSugar — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 11:30:00 -0700

Buddhists march in the streets of Seoul, South Korea yesterday to prepare for Buddha's 2,553 birthday. The streets glowed with lotus lanterns, symbolizing Buddha's enlightenment.

View 5 Photos ›

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Sharon Stone Apologizes for "Karma" Remark. But What Is It?

CitizenSugar — Thu, 29 May 2008 08:00:18 -0700

Sharon Stone has become a bit of a Karma Chameleon, and apologized for her statement that the earthquake was China's Karma coming back to haunt them.

She said, "Due to my inappropriate words and acts during the interview, I feel deeply sorry and sad about hurting Chinese people." She's been removed from Dior ads in China following the incident.

Karma is an important concept for Buddhists, Hindus and Sikhs - but what is it exactly? The word translated simply means "action". The doctrine of karma developed and taugh by the Buddha, a spiritual teacher thought to have lived about 2,500 years ago. It simply means, whatever comes into existence does so in response to the conditions at the time, and in turn affects what comes after it. How was Sharon Stone wrong? To find out, read more.

One teacher at the London Buddhist Centre, says that Stone's take on karma is misguidedly common. Her statement was incorrect, pegging an outcome the result of something done in the past, or a past life. The law of karma says the motive behind one's actions actually affects the outcome of that particular act. According to the teacher:

So an intentionally ethical action - for example to promote kindness, generosity, contentment - is more likely to have positive, beneficial consequences. An intentionally unethical one - to promote self-aggrandizement or greed - will be more likely to have unhelpful, even harmful consequences. Unhelpful, that is, for the positive well-being of either the doer or the recipient or both.

Stone might have been ignoring the other factors that Buddhists believe cause events - biological factors like viruses, psychological factors like stress, and environmental factors like the weather.

The Buddhist teacher concludes, "The earthquake in China or the cyclone in Burma have much to do with environmental factors," says Dhammadassin. "To invoke karma is more to do with our desire to nail things down and find someone to blame. But that's not ours to do."

Was her apology enough? Do people in the spotlight have a greater responsibility to understand concepts they speak about publicly?

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