TresSugar

Where Do You Stand? Sharing the Family Dirt With Friends

DearSugar — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 07:00:00 -0700

It seems like along the way, every family manages to gain a few secrets or drama-filled issues. And often the family gossip can have a serious effect on your day-to-day life. As with all personal strife, it’s natural to want to talk it out with friends, but sometimes spilling family news can feel a bit disloyal. So where do you stand on sharing your family drama with friends? What about your significant other?

Source

This or That: Misinterpretation or Mixed Signals?

DearSugar — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 14:00:00 -0700

You and your best guy friend have known each other for over ten years and you’ve never been anything more than friends. You’ve both watched each other go through difficult times and failed relationships, but now things have become complicated. He’s finally settled down with a girlfriend, and you’ve found yourself pining away for his closest male friend. Would it be worse if . . .

This: After a night out alone with your best friend, his girlfriend suddenly finds your friendship uncomfortable? Apparently she feels like there’s more to it than meets the eye, and she’s demanded that he put up some serious boundaries.

Or . . .

That: When you go to put the moves on your crush, he humiliates you by turning you down mid-kiss? Apparently he likes you, but doesn’t want to do anything that could damage his friendship with your mutual best friend, but now things will be awkward no matter what.

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You Asked: He Doesn't Have Boundaries

DearSugar — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend of three years supervises around 25 women. About eight months ago, we were out of town and he received a text message, which I picked up since he wasn't around. It was a very sexual joke from one of his employees, whom I already have issues with since she's constantly telling my boyfriend how she wants to leave her husband, which I find totally inappropriate.

I didn't say anything, but I checked his phone bills later and found that for the past year, he's been texting her 20 to 30 times a month! I confronted him and he assured me that they were all work related - even though some were in the middle of the night. I knew he was lying so I kept pressing him and went so far as to tell him that I had requested the transcripts from our provider. He went nuts, but admitted they were sexual jokes and comments. I was devastated. She's married; he's her supervisor and he was deleting them from his phone so that I wouldn't see them.

I told him to stop or I was leaving him. He told her that she could only contact him via cell if it were work related - there are office and lab phones and he has voicemail so there's no need to use the cell at all. She stopped contact for eight months, until finally she started up again. My boyfriend won't say anything else to her; she is very manipulative. I'm concerned they're going to fall back into the same pattern. We've talked about getting married, but honestly I don't think I want to continue with this man if he won't put up boundaries that make me feel safe. Am I wrong to feel this way?

- In Need of Boundaries Beth

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear In Need of Boundaries Beth,

Your boyfriend has been exchanging sexual innuendos with a married employee, so I think it's quite normal to feel uncomfortable by the situation. Although it's easy to mark this other woman as manipulative, keep in mind that your boyfriend is a grown man, and perfectly capable of putting an end to these texts. Needless to say, there are some deep trust issues in your relationship, and until your boyfriend can acknowledge your concerns, I doubt that they can be fixed.

Don't let him make you think that your concerns are irrational; you have every right to feel the way that you do. But likewise, don't allow yourself to continue your paranoid snooping. If you feel yourself wanting to check his phone bills again then, to me, that's a signal that your relationship isn't healthy. Since you know that you can't maintain a relationship without appropriate boundaries, then if this continues, I think you know what you need to do.

Source

This or That: A Violation of Your Privacy or of Your Relationship?

DearSugar — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 07:00:00 -0700

After losing your practically perfect roommate of a year - she moved away for grad school - you were stuck looking for someone to sublet the extra room in your apartment. Perhaps out of desperation you made a choice too quickly, and now you're stuck with your current roommate who gets on your nerves. What's worse, she has zero boundaries, which you realize when you come home early from work and catch her in the midst of some unacceptable behavior. Would it be worse if . . .

This: She's in the middle of your bedroom casually browsing through your journal and box of personal items? When you confront her she has the gall to get testy about some of the things you wrote about her.

Or . . .

That: You walk into the living room only to see your boyfriend averting his eyes on the couch while she traipses around completely topless? When you ask her to put on some clothes, she makes a big issue of how she should be allowed to be comfortable in her own home.

Source

A Case of Too Much Information

DearSugar — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 15:00:00 -0800

Do you have a friend, or worse, a coworker who just doesn’t know when to stop sharing information about her personal life? When people end up leaving everyone around them slightly uncomfortable, they've divulged TMI, or too much information. Things that fall under that category might be your mom’s sex life, your boss’s bathroom habits, your neighbor’s foot fetish, or even your own personal fantasies. It’s not that you’re judging what they're saying per se, but you just don’t want to know; we all have our limits! So tell me: Are you one to stop people from giving TMI, or are you a TMI offender?

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Dear Poll: How Are Your Boundaries?

DearSugar — Mon, 12 Mar 2007 08:31:00 -0700

Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries. We use the word a lot; we know having boundaries is good and healthy; and we usually feel pretty guilty or conflicted when asserting or protecting our boundaries. If we're honest, we also can feel pretty darn conflicted when somebody communicates their own boundary needs to us.

I found a great quiz that offers a snapshot of your boundary intelligence. After your score is tallied, a brief summary of your 'level' appears, along with some helpful hints.

To read an excellent, brief article about one woman's experiment changing her boundaries with a friend after learning how women “tend to confuse the absence of boundaries with real intimacy”, click here.

Go here for the test, and hurry back to submit your score! Conversations and opinions encouraged, as ever.

Source

You Asked: Can He Quit His Crush and Be a Friend?

DearSugar — Thu, 08 Mar 2007 12:30:00 -0800

DearSugar --

I have a male friend who I have been friends with for awhile now. About six years ago, I wasn't dating anyone and messed around with this friend. It was a bad idea and I wished it had never happened because I knew he had strong feelings for me. Almost five years ago I started dating my current boyfriend who I love and adore. My guy friend and I stopped talking for almost a year because he was having issues with my boyfriend and taking them out on me.

A couple of months ago we saw each other at a mutual friend's birthday party and talked and decided that we should be friends again and were ready to move on. Well last weekend a large group of us went out and my boyfriend was tired and decided to stay home. We were drinking and having a good time UNTIL my friend kept trying to dance with me and it made me uncomfortable. I brushed him off and he got upset because he said i wasn't being myself. I disagreed and distanced myself.

Later that night he grabbed me and asked me to kiss him! I was appalled and pulled myself away telling him no and reminding him I had a boyfriend. I could tell he was embarrassed and kept away from me. Later that night he called me very drunk telling me he needed to tell me something but when he called and I answered he changed his mind. He called several times after that and I just didn't answer and he didn't leave a message.

I want to have a friendship with him BUT he needs to move on and respect my
boundaries, but I am not sure that he can. He gets so easily offended and he isn't okay with someone being bluntly honest with him. I care for him and don't want to just stop talking again. I don't know what to do! Please help me! ~Confused Karen

To see DEARSUGAR's answer read more

Dear Confused Karen --

I'm not sure he can move on and respect your boundaries, either. Not yet, at least. Maybe he thought he could, when the two of you talked a few months ago, and maybe he just wanted to be near you again and was willing to let you believe he could resume a friendship. Though something about your note leads to me wonder if your friend ever felt deep feelings of friendship for you, Karen; I'm inclined to think he fell in love with you and didn't develop that particular ethic and bond of friendship that you seem to feel. If this is true, I suspect it will be very difficult for him to act as a friend, since his primary motivation toward you has been -- and still seems to be -- romantic.

By all means, show him your boundaries. His sensitivities are his own, and he must learn to manage and live with them; that is not your responsibility. Anyway, that kind of care must be mutual and reciprocal for a friendship to thrive, and his behavior at the bar, and his subsequent calls, don't indicate a reciprocal kind of care for your comfort. He blamed you, in fact, for your unease about his behavior while dancing. Think carefully about your own expectations for a friendship, Karen, and make sure he meets them.

Six years is a long time to carry an unrequited torch for someone. I think you must be firm and clear with him about the conditions under which you two can be friends, talk, and socialize. Though you don't want to, you might have to take a break again if he can't really show up, in a clean way, during that conversation. I hope he does, though, Karen. You've known each other a long time, and I can tell that he matters to you. And still, I hope you'll insist, for yourself, that he treat you as a friend really would.

Source

You Asked: I Don't Know How to Talk Dirty

DearSugar — Wed, 14 Feb 2007 17:00:00 -0800

DearSugar --

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 months, and he is always trying to get me to have phone sex with him. I always try to avoid the conversation as much as possible. The problem is, I don't know how to. Can you help me? -- Shy Sharon

To see DEARSUGAR's answer read more

Dear Shy Sharon --

I wish I had a little bit more information from you, but I'm just going to have run with my gut instincts here. In general, I like the practice of couples discussing the introduction of a new (or unusual) kind of play before initiating it. I think it's respectful and loving, and symbolizes the whole notion of shared adventuring.

You say he's "always trying" to get you to have phone sex, and I'm going to presume you aren't using the word "always" loosely. You'll want to pay close attention in any relationship if your partner is always doing anything.

My advice? Be honest with him. If you're uncomfortable, tell him. I really encourage you, Shy Sharon, to be and say who you are in any relationship. He should be sensitive to your feelings, and if he's not, that's another thing about which you can pay closer attention.

If you're only nervous about the phone sex because you're inexperienced, I like this website for its very practical, very detailed tips for the novice dirty talker, which you can easily modify for phone sex. I'd like your boyfriend to think about phone foreplay, too. Ask him to be a little sweet and romantic before the sex part begins.

As you discover more about expressing your sexuality, Shy Sharon, I hope you'll continue to confidently explore and communicate your boundaries.

Source

Have You Ever Dated a Mama's Boy?

TresSugar — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 15:00:00 -0800

In a way, that's a trick question.

Although "mama's boy" has negative connotations (he was smothered or spoiled by mom), a man who was raised with love and affection by a mother with boundaries often grows up to be what the author of Raising Boys Without Men calls a "head and heart" person.

This positive version of a mama's boy, says Peggy Drexler, is in touch with his and others' emotions and knows how to communicate. (This is assuming the mother herself is connected to her emotions and is a good communicator - a big assumption.)

Have you ever dated a man who was close to his mother? Was he spoiled, expecting you to do everything dear ol' mom did? Was he smothered, one wig and a rocking chair away from being Norman Bates? Or did it help him to respect women and teach him to be connected to his feelings?

Awkward! My Married Friends Have No Boundaries

TresSugar — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 07:00:00 -0700

My friend just vented to me about her married friends who like to divulge details about their sex lives without realizing that they're sharing way too much! (Sound familiar?) Here she described her dilemma:

"My good friend just sent me an email telling me that she and her husband are 'trying' for baby number two. She went on to tell me that they've been 'working on it' for a month now, and she assured me that she will keep me updated. Why do all my married friends think that it's suddenly not awkward to talk about their sex lives when there's baby-making involved! Not OK!"

Do you have any advice for my grossed-out friend? Do you think she's overreaching, or is she justified to feel like this is TMI? (And if you have some awkward tales of your own, join our Awkward! group to share etiquette questions and stories with other readers.)