TresSugar

No Grandmas Allowed!

GiggleSugar — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 08:00:00 -0700

Grandma was always the optimistic type. I never understood why.

Headline of the Day

GiggleSugar — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 11:17:29 -0700

Hero in Underpants Tackles 'Roo

It's not news that kangaroos are feisty and often nasty little mofos just rarin' for a fist fight. But this story from Down Under is the stuff of nightmares. One fine night while Beat Ettlin and his wife Verity Beman and children were hanging out in their respective beds, a kangaroo smashed through the bedroom window and jumped on their bed. His first thought, still half asleep? "It's a lunatic ninja coming through the window." Which, in a way, it was! It bounced into their young son's room, and that's when Beat, in his underwear, had to wrestle with the crazed beast who at 5'9" was exactly his height. He put it in a headlock and dragged it out the door where it wandered away, but not before gouged holes in the furniture and smeared blood everywhere. Holy crap. I guess I won't complain about the occasional house fly anymore! Click here to read more.

Favorite Weird News Story of 2008: Mom Steals Kid's ID to Become Cheerleader

CitizenSugar — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 14:30:45 -0800

The Nebraska butt bandit proved unsuccessful in leaving his Vaseline-enhanced butt mark as CitizenSugar readers' favorite weird news story, instead losing to the mom who stole her daughter's ID to become a high-school cheerleader.

The 33-year-old Wisconsin mom faced felony identity-theft charges this year for taking her daughter's ID and enrolling in high school - just so she could be a cheerleader. She even attended cheer practices before school started and went to a pool party at the coach's house! It wasn't until the $130 check for her uniform bounced, and she only attended one day of classes, that people began to suspect.

I'm sure more weird news awaits us in the coming year - until then check out the Best of 2008.

Source

Rah-Rah-Wrong? Mom Steals Kid's ID to Become Cheerleader

CitizenSugar — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 03:00:17 -0700

Maybe because they've been showing Bring it On all weekend, but I can't believe how this story takes "spirit fingers" and makes it pretty tragic. A 33-year-old mom in Wisconsin, Wendy Brown, is facing felony identity theft charges for taking her daughter's ID and enrolling in high school - just so she could be a cheerleader. Her daughter, incidentally, lives with her grandmother.

I suppose it's pretty impressive that she was able to pass for a high-schooler - she even attended cheer practices before school started and went to a pool party at the coach's house. It wasn't until the $130 check for her uniform bounced, and she only attended one day of classes that people began to suspect.

To see why she did it, read more.

One official said of her ability to don her alleged daughter's skirt, "It's not all that suspicious if you have someone register from out of state and provide all the necessary documents when enrolling in school. I don't know how long she could have continued to play the game, but she was successful at what she was doing."

Brown has a history of identity theft, according to her mother, but the reason given for the Freaky Friday switcheroo is pretty sad: the charges say Brown hadn't had a happy childhood and was looking to relive a part of her life that she had missed. Given that her daughter is 15, she was definitely heading right back to that time of her life.

Source

Ask E. Jean For DearSugar: What Have I Done?

E Jean Carroll — Thu, 29 May 2008 10:00:00 -0700

Dear E. Jean,
I haven’t dated in a while and have put on a little weight. I’ve tried everything to take it off - nothing works. So to get myself motivated, I decided to look on Match.com just to see what was out there. When I signed up, my roommates (and their digital camera) were out of town. I did not have any pictures of the slightly larger, current me, so I used older, slimmer pictures. (I know, it’s a lame excuse, and I can say nothing in my own defense.)

To my horror, guys are in a race to get my number and talk to me! I have four guys very interested! Help! Do I tell them the pictures are not current? Or do I meet them anyway and hold my breath? And finally, do you have any secret to losing weight? - Dateless in Manhattan

To see E. Jean's answer read more

Dateless, You Doofbrain: Oh please. Tell the lads you’re as “plump as a porpoise” and meet them for coffee. Who knows, they may find you twice as alluring. Or you can say you’ll meet them next month and lose the weight.

Either way, stop plaguing yourself.

Who cares what men you’ve never met think of you? (Well, OK, OK, you do care, but you don’t desperately care.) The moment you start actually paying attention to what the buggers think - if they like you curvy or slim, smart or supersmart, white or black, young or younger, blonde or brunette - you’re doomed. It’s when you don’t give a big flying figdoodle what they think - that’s when they can’t get enough of you.

P.S. Balls. Trust me. Giant Balls. Balls you sit on. Get rid of your chair at work and sit on a big ball. It’s terrific for your back and posture And you burn tons more calories per hour because you are bouncing and rolling. Hell, just trying to sit on the damn things - and not fall on your rump - will work your core.

Auntie Eeee sits on a big (blue) ball to watch TV and another ball (also big and blue) to work at my desk. Yes. I have blue balls all over my house. This is my secret to losing weight.

To see more advice from E. Jean visit Elle magazine and AskEJean.com

GiggleSugar Reader of the Week: Francoisehardly

GiggleSugar — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 15:00:00 -0700

See that little tot there? She grew up to be funny, smart, and have awesome musical tastes! Francoise Hardy is one of my favorite of the French yé-yé singers from the '60s, so I was pleased to see a reader was paying homage to the French goddess with her screen name. This lady's too cool for school. With musical tastes ranging from The Velvet Underground to Television to Joanna Newsom, I had to find out more about this mysterious GiggleSugar fan! To find out about Francoisehardly, read more.

GS: What’s your motto?
FH: "All I can do is be me. Whoever that is." I stole that phrase from Bob Dylan since I think it makes sense for me and I don't already have a motto but I would probably make that one one of mine.

GS: Where are you from?
FH:The New York City suburbs. It's boring here.

GS: What do you do? I'm currently trying to transfer yet again to finally finish school and work in graphic design. Even though if school wasn't necessary and I could do many things at once, it would be awesome if I could also be a movie director and a cinematographer and maybe a nutritional anthropologist. I don't know where someone works when doing that but it seems interesting.

GS: How would you describe your sense of humor?
FH: I'm not quite sure what I would call my sense of humor. According to my sister, it's dry at least when it comes to how she considers me funny. I like shows like Arrested Development, both versions of The Office, Fawlty Towers, and Pushing Daisies. I don't know what that says about my sense of humor.

GS: What’s your favorite GiggleSugar post?
FH: Things that involve animals, cute kids, Demetri Martin, and the 1980s.

GS: Who’s the cutest (best-looking) funny man and funny woman?
FH: Demetri Martin because his sense of humor suits me? I don't actually really think about which funny people I think are cute. For females, Amy Poehler? I like her hair.

GS: Who are your favorite male and female comedians?
FH: For male, I'll have the give the same answer along with Bill Murray and Jon Stewart. For female, maybe Tina Fey or Gilda Radner when she plays the hyperactive girl who pretends to have her own show in her room.

GS: What’s your favorite comedy of all time?
FH: It's a little hard to pick one because some of the movies I like have funny parts but aren't necessarily comedies. Maybe Rushmore or Harold and Maude. Maybe Elf for Christmas movies. If humans raised by Christmas elves actually existed they would need to be my best friends. We could decorate the whole house super fast and make Christmas sweets, especially sweets that involve chocolate and gingerbread houses.

GS: If your life were a comedy, what would it be?
FH: Probably The Royal Tenenbaums meets Harold and Maude meets Amelie meets A Hard Day's Night and it would be shot like a Michel Gondry movie mashed up with Truffaut with the cinematography of a Sofia Coppola movie. (GS: Whew!) And it would also have elements of Arrested Development. I have absolutely no idea how that would work, but I get to be Margot with the fur and cigarettes replaced with chic beige trench coats and some records and be Margot when she had dark hair.

GS: Do you look like someone famous?
FH: I can tell you who I wish I looked like but no, I don't. I was happy to get people like Audrey Tautou, Ingrid Bergman, Katherine Hepburn, and Mia Farrow on the My Heritage site, but I don't think I look like any of them.

Francoisehardly free-for-all: I wasn't quite sure what to post here, so I'll just say this. If you're in a bad mood, watch Goldfrapp's video for the song "Happiness," and I'm not just saying that since I listed the song as a Spring playlist choice for BuzzSugar. It features a really happy man in a white suit bouncing all over town, it's an adorable video and hopefully it'll put anyone who watches it in a better mood.

View 7 Photos ›

(Francoise as a little tot, Amy Poehler, Bill Murray, Demetri Martin, Gilda Radner, Jon Stewart, Tina Fey)

Source

Come Story Telling with me!!! The Completed Story

DearSugar — Sun, 16 Sep 2007 14:56:51 -0700

I hope you all enjoyed this new feature as much as I did! Your wild imaginations made for a great story line! To read the completed tale you all helped create, read more

"I am going to bring the salad so will you bring the dessert?" Do we really have to go to this thing? "Yes, we do," I replied. "And," I said pointedly, "we even have to pretend to enjoy ourselves." Mel sighed loudly on the other end of the line, paused, and then said, "Alright fine, I'll pick you up at 6." "Make it 5:30," I said firmly, knowing full well that my little sister Melanie was never, ever on time. Melanie looked at the wall, ignoring my every word, like usual. It was impossible to win any sort of argument with Mel, I thought to myself, as I studied her avoidance. Then I snapped out of my day dream as I realized that I could not see Mel's face since I was talking to her over the phone. I smiled because I knew exactly the look she would have on her face just from the tone of her voice.

"Fine, see you then." she said and I heard her hang up the phone. I sighed as I closed my cell phone. What was I going to do with that girl? Lately, she just hasn't been interested in the things that we have always done together. She doesn't enjoy shopping, she doesn't want to go to the dinner parties, and even working together isn't as fun as it used to be. The hardest part was that I couldn't figure out why. I mean, I know that she's been feeling really self-conscious about her body since her operation, but the doctors assured her that the scars would fully heal. Besides, I couldn't see why she wanted to have her nose shrunk. We both have the cutest button noses and she thought she looked like Toucan Sam. In the back of my mind I think she regrets the whole thing since changing her nose has made her look like a completely different person. She'd never admit to it out loud, though. I could almost swear that even the portrait of mom in my study had to take a second glance to be sure it was Melanie when she came over the other night.

Before the operation, I asked her why and her reply was, "I'm not happy with the way I look. I feel like when I enter a room, my nose is the first thing people see. I work in the fashion industry where EVERYONE is perfect and I want to feel confident."

I knew that a girl named Eva, Mel's frenemy from high school had just landed a job at the same magazine Mel worked for, and had been flirting up a storm with Mel's crush, a drop dead gorgeous Gabriel Aubry look-alike. This is it, I thought, really want my sister to be happy, and I'm not going to let this girl steal her man. Now all I needed was a plan to bring Mel and her crush together without Eva being able to interfere Well, that is for another time.

Right now I have to make a salad. It then occurred to me that I had no idea of what kind of salad to make. Salad nicoise? Potato salad? Caesar salad? Getting up and walking to the fridge, I looked inside of it and debated my choices.

I logged on to YumSugar to find a spectacular salad recipe to take to the dinner party our friends were throwing after but then decided, screw it. I'll order one up from the catering place a few blocks over and just pass it off as my own. Those upper crust socialites won't know the difference because they do the same thing. A knock on the back door jilted me from my food debate.

"Who is it?"
"It's John. I need a cup of sugar neighbor."

I knew full well what he meant by a "cup of sugar" Unfortunately, he meant a cup of sugar and that's it. I'd been lusting after John since he moved in last month, but he seemed more interested in Melanie. "So, how's your sister doing?" he said as I opened up the door. "She has a telephone, and a number; both work surprisingly well what with technology and all," I said. "Bad day or what Kim? Please, if it's hard to be neighborly, keep the cup of sugar and the comments," John said.
"No, no, I just, yes, bad day, long day. Whatever you want to call it," a little sigh escaping my mouth. "Please just take the sugar and accept my apology."

He took the sugar from me and as he started looking away I spoke without thinking as I always do, "What's the sugar for, SUGAR?". What was I thinking I just called a grown man SUGAR! I leaned againts the wall trying to recover, arms crossed. With that, John flashed his 1000-watt smile and took the cup.

"Thanks for the sugar, sugar" he laughed, walking out the door. I couldn’t help but smile; I abhor cutesy pet name but I’d be his sugar anytime. “SALAD, Kim” I reminded myself. I decided to call Café Dulce up the street.

“Yes, I’d like to order a fruit and walnut salad” I started, “ohh, and a dozen mini Lindsor Tortes” I continued. Mel might forget to bring dessert, but those trust fund babies weren’t going to be looking down their sculpted noses at the DeMaui sisters. Yikes, I’ll have to wean myself off the nose job humor, I thought, thinking of Mel. Just then the phone rang, I couldn’t believe it - it was John, he said, "thanks again for the sugar, but I'm gay so please stop hitting on me - it's pathetic." I was so shocked by the phone call that I simply said "Get over yourself" and dropped the receiver.

I was too busy to deal with such rudeness. I had just enough time to get to the store and back before 5:30 so I grabbed my car keys and headed out. On the way I ran into Mario. And I have to tell you that after that phone call, Mario was looking like the fresh drink of water that I needed. So I asked him if he might like to join me for dinner? What was I thinking dinner? After totally embarrassing myself with John, and here I am asking this tall drink of water to dinner. Oh my God please tell me I didn't just ask him! Please God, Please God! Mario had been a student in the ESL class I taught, and I had a crush on him that had been hard to hide. I'd seen him out for a walk several times since but chickened out and gone the other way before we got to speaking distance. And no wonder, I sounded like a total idiot; Mario quirked an eyebrow, and I could tell he was trying to hide a smile because his adorable dimple creased his cheek. "Bella Mia do you realize yourself? You are speaking strange things out aloud. I do not understand your drink of water. You are...it is....giornata stressante, no?" He shook his head. stressful day. That was putting it gently. "And your shoes --" he gestured. I looked down -- one sandal and one sneaker. Both left footed. Now I looked like a total idiot. "I just..." I broke off helplessly, flinging up my hands up in a gesture of humiliated resignation. I could feel a blush rise to my cheeks.

He caught one of my hands and stepped in close before I could pull away. "Yes, I would like dinner with you, anywhere, anytime." he murmured. "Tonight?" "Yes," I squeaked in spite of myself as his warm fingers traced my knuckles and trailed down to trace my fingertips. I could feel my pulse fluttering like a caught sparrow. If he did anything else I would melt right here on the sidewalk. How was I going to manage having dinner with him? Oh my god, I had invited him to my dinner party tonight. The one I was hosting for my ex-best friend and my ex-fiance.

My thoughts veered away from old memories, as I realized how close Mario was standing to me, his breath warm on my face. "Tonight, when?" he prompted gently. "6:00. My place and I'll drive you over." My mouth said, smiling, as my brain frantically screamed: zip your lips, girl, shut your mouth, call it off, call it off, get a rain check, you can't handle this tonight, you'll wreck any chances with him if you drag him into this, call it off, wow, he smells good and his hands are so warm....ohhhh....

"Not at your house, then?" he sounded faintly disappointed, then his dimple quirked again. "I will drive. It is a new Ferrari 612 Scaglietti - you will love it." He leaned in close, brushed a straying lock of hair off my face and kissed each cheek -- a European farewell. I could still feel the softness and warmth of his mouth long after he turned the corner and disappeared down Tobein avenue.

I floated home, despite the two left shoes, trying to figure out what to do next. What did I have that looked good that didn't ride up indecently in a Ferrari? How could I stand to be in the same room with ex-best-friend Beth or ex-fiance Sean again? Frack me, I had forgotten the salad, I realized as I changed for the tenth time. So long as I didn't put on two left shoes again, the rest would fix itself, I told myself determinedly, digging through my closet and changing again. I wasn't going to let anything screw up tonight with Mario. Especially given the circumstances of this dinner party I had to endure. I put on my sexiest red dress and did my makeup just right before finally deciding to delve into the salad once and for all. Finally my day is now over.

I had the salad, my outfit was way too sexy for Mario, and I knew I could face the rest. As I was thinking of changing the bed sheets for maybe a little surprise for Mario, I heard the door open and Mel say "hey Tracy, I'm here with the desert," I flung the duvet over my rumpled unmade bed, grabbed the salad out of the fridge, and checked my makeup one last time in the upstairs hall mirror. As hurried down the stairs to the front door entry, I heard a cacophony of noise -- car doors slamming, raised voices, running footsteps, and startled exclamations. I slipped on the steps and almost fell -- all the noise and chaos made the tiny foyer into Grand Central Station. I could see Mel holding the cake platter overhead with two hands, shrieking, trying to stay out of the way of a tangle of arguing men. I heard fragments of conversation "--only kissed her hello--" "--NOT gay!" "--stop fighting, my cake--" "--friend Eva was lying--" "--not GAY, I want her--" "--how they say hello in where I come from--" My neighbor John spurted free of the fracas and careened into me, grabbing my arm for balance the salad bowl spun out of my grasp. I fell with John still in his death grip and yelling in my ear

"--said I was gay to get you to leave me alone, you thick-skulled twit!" And we landed with in a heap, knocking into the crowd on the floor. A confetti of field greens and pear tomatoes rained down us. Wedged between John's shoulder and Mario's knee, I had a perfect view of Mel tilted against Gabe's chest (her crush!), the upraised cake wobbling precariously. I pinched my eyes shut, wincing. All I needed was Eva's frenemy Eva to show up to make this a total disaster. I felt salad dressing drip on my cheek and a tomato bounce into my cleavage.
Mario reached down and hauled me to my feet, and his laughing voice in my ear made me shiver. "Cara Mia, you invite disasters, my Armani is ruined, and yet I have I crave nothing but to taste your tomatoes."

Musical Interlude Time!

GiggleSugar — Thu, 23 Aug 2007 11:30:00 -0700

If this doesn't make your day, then I don't know what will. It all starts with some creepster-looking guy glaring at you through a pair of Coke bottle glasses while "showing off" on an outdated keyboard. A few seconds of this awkwardness pass and the camera cuts to a minimally dressed man who looks like he's singing from the inside of a bounce house, but he's actually on-stage performing none other than the Finnish "YMCA." And that's not all folks, there are back-up dancers too. Fabulously bad back-up dancers.

Clown Ruins Birthday Party

GiggleSugar — Fri, 03 Aug 2007 01:00:00 -0700

I've always considered clowns very sad, if not scary, creatures. So I'm not surprised these kids had this reaction when the "life of the party" invited herself and her gang of balloons into their bounce house. Who hired this rag doll anyway? (Pay extra close attention at 1:01. Some kid's escape didn't go as planned.)